I think he must be evil.

[morningcuppa]

My son is the one who punched the wall in last week.
Today at tea time he immediatly started picking on his younger brother who was already upset over a bust up with girlfriend. Moaned that he was stealing his image.

He seems to enjoy hurting people. When I had a go at him he gave a really evil smile. He creeps me out!
I phoned his doctor and they want to see him but he won't ring them.

I'm tired of all this upset. I wish he would just go.

 

[goldenguru]

cuppa~

Has your son ever been to a psychiatrist for his 'aggressiveness'?

Has his personality always been so confrontational?

I don't know your son ... but by the descriptions you offer he sounds like he has more issues than ADHD ... in my humble opinion.

 

[rejectedmom]

He is 22 start the eviction process. Not sure where you live but there are legal ways to get an uncompliant "of age" child out of your home. You have given your difficult child an ultimatun which he is ignoring. Sounds like it is time to stop wishing and start acting.

Sorry that it has come to this but yor main concern now should be your minor child. -RM

 

[morningcuppa]

goldenguru

Here in the UK it is very difficult to get any help for this kind of problem as it tends to be all blamed on poor parenting etc.
One psychiatrist said it was adhd and gave ritalin. He was better on it but only took it for 2 years.
He is insanely jealous of his younger brother who used to look up to him but not any more!

Yes he has always been confrontational. But he thinks its always someones elses fault.

rejectedmom. I'm sick of him. I know I need to get him out.

 

[goldenguru]

What does hubby think?

I think so many women parent from the time that their kids leave the womb, that we forget that our husbands are parents too.

My husband was such a source of strength and resolve when our daughter was so out of control. He was much better at making intellectual decisions ... mine were more emotionally driven. When the tough love decisions had to be made and enforced it was dear husband who had the spine. I was just an hysterical, sobbing spineless jellyfish.

Would hubby advocate him leaving? Would he step up to the plate and tell your son?

 

[morningcuppa]

difficult child is runing our lives at the moment so yes hubby would be pleased to give him his marching orders. difficult child will blame us though threaten suicide and I'll cave in again a quivering wreck.

Hubby is abroad at present. He's coming home soon thank goodness.

I still think difficult child is suffering some sort of paranoia. Is it normal to be soooo jealous because you think your brother is trying to steal your image?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Know why he threatens suicide?

Because it makes you a quivering wreck. It is his way of controlling and manipulating you.

Throw him out. You and your son deserve to live in a stress free house.

 

[meowbunny]

I don't think the UK is much different than the US in regards to suicide threats. If you kick him out and he threatens suicide, call for an ambulance to take him to the ER. Let them handle that part.

Do you think you and your easy child will be able to maintain until your husband returns? If not, is there anyone your eldest can stay with until then?

Kicking a child out is hard. It is painful. It is frightening. You feel guilt, fear, shame, anger, pain. It is not something for the faint hearted. At the same time, there are times when it can be the greatest gift we can give our children. Learning to be an adult is no fun but it is something all but the most disabled should learn. There will come a time when there is no mom and dad to lean on.

You summed your son up best when you called him a bully. He is. A bully thrives on the fear in others -- it gives the bully a sense of worth. As to being jealous of his younger brother, it makes sense. A truly strong person is complimented when another tries to emulate him. A bully, who is anything but strong, would see any emulation as a threat of someone stealing his "self" from him. A bully cannot share.

You are suffering from classic signs of PTSD and need help for this ASAP. I'm sure your easy child is suffering as well. If you think you can hold out until your husband comes home, then try to do it. If not, do what you need to do for your easy child and yourself.

HUGS

 

[morningcuppa]

Thank you, you are all so kind. I know many of you have walked this route before and knowing that makes it a bit easier.

He needs to go. Hubby is home soon.

 

[Sunlight]

be brave. get angry. sometimes anger really helped me not be a victim when my son was at his worst.
when your hubby gets home, together tell your son he has to move out. give him a date. tell him it is time to leave the nest. he will be angry and threaten everything he can. truth is you will be making him start the growing up process. your younger boy can be badly influenced by all this. he will either figure he too can get away with bad behavior or he will become depressed because his parents are not acting as authority in the house.

 

[morningcuppa]

Thank you. I really would like him to the the psychologist as they have offered to see him next week. I think talking to someone else would put his slewed feelings into perspective.
But if he won't go I can't make him. After all it's everyone else's fault right.

I might try to get an dr's appointment today for myself as I've hardly slept and my heart is racing. Last nights confrontation was nothing compared to last weeks wall bashing though.
At the moment I'm not angry...just sad that it's come to this with the sons I love.

 

[Suz]

Hi MC-

If your son won't go to the psychologist appointment, then YOU go. Not only do you need a professional sounding board for your frustrations, but the psychologist could probably give you some good advice on how to kick out (or live with) your son.

Suz

 

[morningcuppa]

Thank you Suz. I just couldn't go to work today. Started crying while driving there and had to turn back. I have just come back from the dr's.(My own gp). She was really sweet and concerned. She gave me some propranolol for the anxiety. I feel a bit better telling her.
I'm still hoping he will keep the psychologist appointment as it was him who wanted to go in the first place. I dare not mention it though as if he thinks I want him to do something he'll do the opposite. Maybe I should tell him "on no account keep that psychologist appointment". He'd be sure to go then!

Has anyone else tried propranolol?

 

[KFld]

No, you can't make him go to the appointment, but you may try telling him that he has to go for help if he wants to continue living home. Sometimes it's just finding a way to get them there in the first place, then you have to hope he gets something out of it.
When is your husband coming home? If it's really soon, then maybe you should wait and then ask difficult child to leave once you have the security of your husband standing behind you. If he's that much of a bully, you may not want to handle this on your own.

 

[goldenguru]

I would go to that appointment. if your son won't. I agree that she could give you some really great perspective on your son's behaviors. It will also show your son that YOU are serious about making changes even if he is not.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Sending some strength and good juju your way. You can do this. warrior mom. I agree, if husband is home soon, wait for him.

And definitely go to the appointment. You are getting some sound advice.

 

[morningcuppa]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Sending some strength and good juju your way. You can do this. warrior mom.
</div></div>

Thank you I need it.
I spoke to him about the appointment. He said he'd go but "didn't have time" to call her. I asked what to say if the psychologist rang home and I answered. He said he could go if it was around 3pm next week. She rang and the dear lady said she would see him then. I still think it would have been better if he made the call as he's not really taking responsibility. Oh well I just hope he turns up for the appointment and they can help.

I'm wondering if he is depressed as he has been in the past. His room is painted black and is a real hovel, not just untidy but a health hazzard! You can't see the floor.

 

[Sondar]

No matter what happens at the psychologist, you and husband need to make priority #1 getting your 22 yr old son to live elsewhere. There's no excuse for an angry young man who doesn't think he has a problem to be running his parents' household. It makes you miserable and it isn't helping him.

I'm so sorry it has come to this, but they force us to change everything we thought a parent should be. Leaving home and starting a new life should be a joyous occasion, but a difficult child changes all the milestones in life.

Turning around and going home from work in tears -- been there done that. {H U G S }

 

[morningcuppa]

difficult child has said he will keep the appointment. We'll see.

I've told him to stay with friends this weekend as younger son has girlfriend over and I don't want him messing things up. I would not have had the courage to say that to him without the suport of you all. (I was pretending you were all standing next to me shaking your fists!). Amazingly he did not object.
I also told him he needs to rebuild the relationship with his younger brother fast.
I've always done too much for difficult child in the past and have stopped doing lots of these things. It's taken me a long time to wake up!
Eyes open now!
Husband home soon. Goody!

 

[goldenguru]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I also told him he needs to rebuild the relationship with his younger brother fast. </div></div>

While you are responsible to set reasonable limits in terms of respect in your home ... and enforce consequences if difficult child is rude to easy child ... you can not force him to have a relationship with his brother. Their relationship (or lack thereof) is their responsibility.

I just wanted to point out what took me several years to figure out. Being the 'fix it' people that we are ... I think our tendency is to right all wrongs in ALL of the relationships in our immediate sphere. Not our job. Ya know?

Good for you for standing your ground. Feels kinda good doesn't it?? Woo-Hoo for cuppa! :warrior: