I threw him out.

[sadandfrustrated]

I'm cautiously optimistic. I came back to this thread to see what date I started it on. It hasn't been that long so I am a little leery. I feel very removed from it all too and I can't explain why.

Regardless of whether he's clean or not, he's not allowed to come home anyway. Too much has gone on and while I made it a point to forgive him because I didn't want guilt to stand in the way of his recovery and told him so, I still can't forget. He didn't ask to come back either. He didn't ask for anything. He did bring a female friend with him and introduced me to her. She was well dressed, clear eyed, well spoken and looked me in the eyes as we chatted which was nice and a huge departure from his former friends who just kind of skulked around and hid.

He say's he's working and he called me today as he was walking to the bus stop because he wanted to test out the earpiece that he just bought for his phone. That's something that the old G would do. He was chatty and like he used to be, but I still have my guard up. I like the new and improved G and I hope it's real and continues, but I'm not ready to welcome him back with open arms any time soon.

Time will tell.. I'll keep you guys updated.

 

[New Leaf]

Just be careful dear, guard your heart and take a seat in the back row for a while.....
My Rain has brought some decent looking, smart ones over, book don't match the cover types.
Stay firm and strong.

Leafy

 

[sadandfrustrated]

Just be careful dear, guard your heart and take a seat in the back row for a while.....

I am doing just that Leafy.. the sad thing is it's not even a conscious decision on my part. It's the way I feel. I'm definitely not ready to trust him again. Right now I feel emotionally detached from him in a way.. like he's not even mine.

 

[New Leaf]

I am doing just that Leafy.. the sad thing is it's not even a conscious decision on my part. It's the way I feel. I'm definitely not ready to trust him again. Right now I feel emotionally detached from him in a way.. like he's not even mine.

Awww Sad, I think we all go through different phases. It all just gets so exhausting. I am glad you will keep your guard up and not allow him back in your home.

I have been there, done that, many times.....

Looking back at all the cumulative stuff I put up with, I am talking to myself like "What was wrong with you woman? Were you in a coma?
Like walking pneumonia, a walking, wakeful coma?"

It's a stupification curse, thats what it is Sad, I fell under a spell, or some addict voodoo magic that just blind-sided me to what was going on.

I knew something was going on, just couldn't quite figure it. Then things just started not adding up, things went missing, geez I thought I was going bonkers misplacing jewelry, cash.
I was feeling a little demented, if you know what I mean.

Then all of a sudden KABAM! The big AH HA! Then Oh My God! My kid?

There it was, the truth. Then all the other stuff added up, 2+2 was 4 again, and I was like, you got to be kidding me? Dazed and confused.

The excuses, the lies and deceit, it is an unbelievable ride that I never bargained for.
I became plain old madder than a hornet. Sad, mad, guilt ridden, grieving, numb hits and it hits hard.
We go through this grieving process, but our d cs are still here on this earth, they are gone to their drug of choice, on this unfathomable path.

Then showing up again, in my face.
What is a mother to do?
I know PTSD is a terrible thing, but we need our own acronym for this.
It is so insidiously on-going.
The ups, the downs, the trying, the seeing that we just cannot fix this thing.
Numb is right.
I do believe this is the hardest thing known to man. There are not enough books, or plays, or songs or movies out there to describe this accurately to folks who have never been touched by the addiction monster.

Numb.
Like they are not even ours.
They are so very far from being what we had hoped and dreamed of.

The trick for me now, is to try to find a middle ground. Loving detachment. Huh.
Still reeling from the horror ride, and the realization of what this is.
Addiction.

So, one day at a time. Taking things real slow, and doing things on my timeline, that I am comfortable with.
The biggest reality, they will not be living here, I will not give them money.
They have taken my trust and ripped it to shreds.
It will take a lot for them to glue it back together.
The glue has to be their action, not their words.

I shall have to be on my toes Sad. Thinking and reflecting and building myself up, shaking off the addict voodoo magic and the stupefication curse.

I am thinking of an acronym....PTSD just doesn't cut it for me,
cause this thing is ongoing.
In fact, I don't want to have any "disorder".
I want some order.
Ordinary.
Normalcy, Peace.
I will be striving for this.

You are not alone Sad, I am right there with you.
Thanks for letting me vent,

SIGH.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

SeaGenie, do you pay the insurance for his car? Is the registration in your name? I'm concerned that if he had an accident, you would be the one to get sued..
hugs, L

Heck NO! His car, insurance, bank account, cell phone - it's all in his name only.

 

[sadandfrustrated]

Hey guys.. well, I've seen him a few times since his miraculous recovery and I'm not buying it. I think he cut down a lot but I doubt very much he's off the pills completely. I think he's taking enough just enough to function. He still looks better than before though, and he's still working so that's a plus. I can't even say I'm disappointed because I had my doubts that he had gotten off the pills anyway. At least he's doing something positive with his life.. maybe sobriety will follow. But, it's his life. I can't do an damn thing to change it anyway, so c'est la vie. It's his life to live as he chooses.

It's not numbness that I feel Leafy. I'm beyond that. Numbness implies caring too much and being overwhelmed and confused. Now I can honestly say I view my son with dispassion. Before when I'd see my son I'd see him as my baby boy who was on drugs.. Viewing him dispassionately isn't something that I consciously do, or have to make an effort to do or even made the choice to do. That's just the aftermath of having my family heirloom ring that meant oh so much to me... disappearing. It was like a switch had been thrown for me and suddenly I saw him not as my baby boy on drugs, but the drug addicted adult that he is.

 

[New Leaf]

But, it's his life. I can't do an damn thing to change it anyway, so c'est la vie. It's his life to live as he chooses.

Hi S&F, I think you have arrived at radical acceptance, a very good place to be. I am standing at the station, buying my ticket there, LOL. Takes a bit more time for me, I guess. I think I miss my grands more than anything.

It's not numbness that I feel Leafy. I'm beyond that. Numbness implies caring too much and being overwhelmed and confused. Now I can honestly say I view my son with dispassion.

Dispassion. I think that is a good place to be. One of the definitions of dispassion, is detachment, YAY you! Working at this too, just untangling from the web, woven. Don't want to be all tangled up, in the whole drama. Working at it. Good for you Sad.

That's just the aftermath of having my family heirloom ring that meant oh so much to me... disappearing. It was like a switch had been thrown for me and suddenly I saw him not as my baby boy on drugs, but the drug addicted adult that he is.

Yup, they are in there somewhere, deep inside, but not enough to have a lick of sense, or compassion towards family. Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing, you sound very strong. Keep up the good work, and Happy New Year! {{{HUGS}}} leafy

 

[TerryJ2]

Thinking of you.