If it’s not one kid, it’s the other.

[Elsi]

Ugh. Still waiting for word from C. But in the meantime Daughter S turned up after a couple months of silence. Wanting money of course. She needs to move this weekend, because the man she’s been sponging off of for the last year (not a boyfriend, a man older than me she swears is just a ‘super nice guy’) has finally had enough. Mind you, she hasn’t been paying rent, and she was working full time so theoretically should have had lots of time to save up enough for a place of her own, a car or whatever. But she’s mysteriously broke. I asked about the job and she finally fessed up that she quit a couple weeks ago. The boss had it in for her of course. Kept cutting her hours, hassling her about her attitude. Which is great by the way, nothing wrong with her attitude or work ethic, she’s a hard worker and has no idea why she butts heads with every boss she’s ever had. But she can always get another job, as soon as she gets her living situation settled. After all, she had like nine different jobs last year!

Sigh. This would not be my most introspective child.

No real question I guess - just venting to people who get it!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Elsi, oh boy, sounds like mine awhile back. They would take turns. After some time of me sticking to my boundaries, that stopped. They ended up pretty much no contact because I would not cave. Until of course Tornado ended up in jail. Flurry of phone calls after being MIA for one year. Now she is no contact again because I didn’t fulfill her request (demands) for bail, supervised release, money, letters, photos, chocolates, shampoo.
Sigh.
Nothing is ever her fault either.
I love them, but do not like them very much right now. Still pray for some kind of light bulb to go off, but am very leery because it’s always something when they do try to reach me.
What a weird reality we live in.
I get sad about the no contact, I really do miss them, but when they have come around, or called, it’s an odd encounter, makes me apprehensive and waiting for the next shoe to drop. It’s usually more of the same old same old. Am I jaded? Probably. I feel like more of an opportunity than their Mom. That’s a sad fact of the journey I am on.
I am sorry it is similar for you. Stick to your boundaries. They have to learn somehow. We will not be around forever to rescue them.
Do they think that money grows on trees for us?
Don’t they know that we are slaving away for our hard earned limited funds? Ugh. Saving for the future when we can no longer work?
It baffles me.

(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Elsi]

I knew you would understand, Leafy! I hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach when they call. Because they only call when they want something. I keep hoping someday they will get it, like N finally did. But I don’t let myself hope too hard anymore.

They do think money grows on trees, apparently. They look at my very modest house and little bit of land and think I’m rich. If my bank account isn’t completely empty, I must be able to afford to help. No concept of planning for the future, maintaining an emergency fund, saving for retirement. Only today exists for them, and the latest crisis it brings.

It baffles me, too. I don’t understand why anyone would let themselves live the way they live. From my perspective, it looks way more stressful than holding a job, paying bills, and performing basic acts of adulthood. What is it they have against stability?

 

[Tanya M]

It baffles me, too. I don’t understand why anyone would let themselves live the way they live. From my perspective, it looks way more stressful than holding a job, paying bills, and performing basic acts of adulthood. What is it they have against stability?

I'm right there with you on this. In my mind, I think it must take more effort to be homeless than it does to have a job and pay rent. I will never understand why my son chooses to live the way he does.

My son also thinks his dad and I are rolling in cash. Even if we were, it's none of his business. We live a very comfortable life but that's because we have worked hard for many, many years. I also will never understand my son's mindset that what is mine is his and that he's "entitled" to it.

Sorry you are dealing with your daughters drama. I hope she will find another job soon.

 

[Elsi]

I'm right there with you on this. In my mind, I think it must take more effort to be homeless than it does to have a job and pay rent. I will never understand why my son chooses to live the way he does.

My son also thinks his dad and I are rolling in cash. Even if we were, it's none of his business. We live a very comfortable life but that's because we have worked hard for many, many years. I also will never understand my son's mindset that what is mine is his and that he's "entitled" to it.

Isn't it amazing that they don't seem to connect the dots between working hard and actually being comfortable? It's like they think we have what we have because...magic, I guess. It just appeared. S in particular will make little jabs when she's up at the house - "Oooo, organic milk, must be nice to be so fancy!" "Oh, must be nice to have a fancy deck like this!" Well yes, it is. I can tell you exactly how much overtime partner and I put in to pay for the materials, and then we spent 8 consecutive weekends building it with our own hands. So yeah, it's nice to be able to sit out here and relax on it now!

And yes, if they would put in just a LITTLE BIT of effort into keeping a good job and taking care of their responsibilities, they would be pretty comfortable, too! S seems to think owning a house (nothing fancy, 3 bed 1960s ranch) and putting time and effort into taking care of it makes me some kind of la-di-da goody-two-shoes June Cleaver. She's jealous that we're living comfortably while she's struggling, but she mocks it at the same time. And puts no effort into getting herself into a more comfortable and stable situation.

 

[Tanya M]

She's jealous that we're living comfortably while she's struggling, but she mocks it at the same time.

My son is the same way!

I've learned over the years to not share with him when hubby and I go on vacation, or tell him about any purchases we have made.
My son was in jail at the time and he called me. I told him that I would not be available to talk to him the next week because dad and I are going on vacation.
He replied to me "must be nice to go on vacation while I sit here rotting in jail" At the time it rattled me, I felt guilty but those days are long gone. I refuse to feel guilty over living a good life that I have worked so hard for. I don't share with my son, that way I don't have to listen to his diatribe.

 

[Triedntrue]

A little off track but not getting connections. Son texted this am about taking him to clinic for mh. I called and he was nasty. Still said i would take him and started out. Got a text f it go away. I asked a question and got just go away. I said ok your decision and went home . texted him to remind to get ready for court in am. He tried to call i waited for text. Nasty to the extreme. He said you have ignored me for last time doesn't get dont want to talk when he is being nasty.told him was because of way he talked earlier. I said fine and blocked him.

 

[Elsi]

A little off track but not getting connections. Son texted this am about taking him to clinic for mh. I called and he was nasty. Still said i would take him and started out. Got a text f it go away. I asked a question and got just go away. I said ok your decision and went home . texted him to remind to get ready for court in am. He tried to call i waited for text. Nasty to the extreme. He said you have ignored me for last time doesn't get dont want to talk when he is being nasty.told him was because of way he talked earlier. I said fine and blocked him.

Mine have pulled the last minute bail out so many times. It’s infuriating, especially when it’s something I’m doing for them! I’ve driven into the city only to find them MIA when I arrive at whatever address they are crashing at at the moment. Phones off, no response. It’s a 30-40 minute drive for me, one way. No consideration at all. I’ve started just not inviting them to a lot of family events, because they don’t have their own transportation, and I know chances are better than half that they’ll change their mind and bail without notice while we’re on the way to pick them up. I’m half considering telling them we’re not having Thanksgiving this year, because trying to get them here just adds so much stress to the day.

The worst was trying to get these two ready for, and to, their sister’s wedding this spring. E wanted them there so badly and wanted S as her maid of honor. She didn’t expect any of the traditional maid of honor stuff (shower, bachelorette party), she just wanted her sister there to stand up with her. And I wasn’t sure right up to the rehearsal if it was going to happen. She kept bailing on dress fittings, and showed up once almost to drunk to stand up straight in her heels. At 10:00 in the morning. C bailed on me three times when I was trying to get him out to pick out a presentable outfit. I made them both stay with me for 48 hours prior to the wedding so I would be sure they would be both sober and present, without last minute panicked searches for them. By some miracle they pulled off the day, but good Lord what they put me through to try to make it happen.


Arrghhh. Venting, venting, venting.

I’m definitely cutting back on availability for any favors after all this. I’ve never gone so far as to block them, but you may be onto something there! At least mine are t usually nasty directly. They just pull the disappearing act when they decide they don’t want to deal with something.

 

[Triedntrue]

He has been told that if he is vulgar to me he will be blocked for up to a week. This afternoon i think he was trying for most nasty swearwords possible in a text. All directed at me. I let one nasty conversation go that morning. So....

 

[overcome mom]

I can't believe how much reading this site is a help. Elsi I laughed after I read your description of your daughter and her job. It is exactly what my son says. The longest he has kept a job is 6 weeks and he had 7 jobs last year. He never got fired once because of something he did. Well he might of made a little mistake but not enough to get fired.
Tanya - I have never told any of my friends this but we too don't tell my son when we have bought something and don't announce when we are on vacation if I can help it. We have had a travel trailer for a year now and he doesn't know. Never stays at the house long enough to see it and when I tell him we are camping he never ask for ANY details only wants to tell us why he needs money and what his most recent crisis is.
He says he is willing to work hard but things just happen to him. Still hasn't figured out it's him, his behavior. He says- I just don't get it. The fact that I was on my own at 18 and supported myself since then, through college, without anyone's or the government's help it still doesn't count. That's was a long time ago and things are more expensive now. What I don't get his addiction and lack of delayed gratification.
I have started to really stick to my guns about the money. He called a couple times a few days ago and I did not answer. He never left a message or text and hasn't called since. I hate to say it but I hope this last for a while, it really reduces my stress. I still tense up when my phone goes off . I have found some freedom realizing that I don't have to answer my phone. It is a good idea to have him text me instead of talking. He hates that as it is harder to manipulate me with a text. The other day I told him not to call if he needed money for a bunch of his usual excuses and he text back -Well that's cold. I thought about texting him back how cold it is to lie to me on a continual basis to get money, yell at me and take money when he doesn't work for it.

 

[Elsi]

Elsi I laughed after I read your description of your daughter and her job. It is exactly what my son says.

Sometimes you’ve gotta laugh! They don’t seem to realize how predictable all their excuses are.

He says he is willing to work hard but things just happen to him.

Funny how many things ‘just happen’ to them! The world is so unfair, everyone is against them. Nothing to do with their own attitude and behavior. And of course, we don’t get it, because we never had to put up with a bad boss or unpleasant tasks at work just to put food on the table or a roof over their heads. They think it was all roses for us, don’t they?

The fact that I was on my own at 18 and supported myself since then, through college, without anyone's or the government's help it still doesn't count.

Sometimes I want to shake S and say you know what I was doing at your age? Working full time and raising the four of you! I didn’t have the luxury of an extended adolescence to go find myself, or bailing on my responsibilities because I just didn’t feel like it anymore.

He never left a message or text and hasn't called since. I hate to say it but I hope this last for a while, it really reduces my stress. I still tense up when my phone goes off

I do, too, with my difficult ones. I’m glad I have two who now call me just to talk and say they love me. It hurts when they only call when they want something. I’ve also felt guilty for enjoying periods of silence from them. But when they call, they have a problem they are trying to make my problem.

The good news is she apparently did land a new job yesterday, and starts Tuesday. A bar. Sigh. I’m not thrilled about that given her issues with alcohol, but she did get a job as promised. I guess we’ll see what happens next. It’s like a bad soap opera I can’t stop watching.