"If Things Don't Get Better This Year, I Will Kill Myself"

[ChickPea]

The New Year's Resolution/Holiday optimism came crashing down this past week.

Over the holidays things were tolerable with my daughter. Not by any means uneventful, but she was getting money/gifts and spending time with family and optimistic that she would be in her own apartment soon and "not have to trade sexual favors with someone as old as my grandpa for living space anymore" - said she.

So the new year rolls around, she's still at the bar, liquor-carrying in her bag, snorting coke and smoking weed. She keeps telling us that she needs to start spending more time with her child because he's coming "home" with her in a few weeks when she gets her apartment (her and another friend who does not have her children and also has an eviction on record got someone to co-sign an apartment for them, I guess).

I explained to her that we would need to transition, and that it would not be a good idea to have the baby, who has lived with us since birth and is quite attached, suddenly staying over there, etc.

She blew off the handle. Threats were made against our lives, she (bleeping) hates us, and couldn't wait to get her (bleep) together so she could have him to herself.

Subsequently she did not go into work because she was hung over one day and congested another day. She outright said she did so much coke she blames that for her congestion (???).

"If things don't improve and I don't have my kid, I'm just going to kill myself," she says.

We received our check-in form from the state regarding guardianship (asks for living arrangements and updates), and my husband said we should file for full custody. I feel like that might open up a can of pain, but maybe that is what we should be doing. I just don't know. Our financial means aren't great, so I don't really want to reach out to our lawyer again, but I feel like I need to. Like we're just skating on time and I'm not sure why.

Raising a baby/child is one thing, but the constant abuse and mind-games from an adult child is... I'm just over it. I feel terrible to think of anything happening to her. I can't even go there in my head. But I also feel like I'm slowly being eaten alive. My health has been so much worse this past year.

 

[BusynMember1]

I am so sorry. You are not however in control of what your daughter does. It is so hard. We had to decide to choose our innocent grand over our adult daughter. Lawyers are being spoken to and my daughter is not yet aware, but she is in no condition to raise a child. She is homeless, jobless, hooked on pot and maybe more.

It is sad that we are put in these situations. We just want to love everyone, help our kids and have peace. We mean well. You mean well. My heart hurts for your pain.

In the end we have no say over our grown children. I think they often use our fear of them hurting themselves to get us to back off. My daughter has threatened to kill herself many times. If she was trying to scare us, it worked.

I wish you blessings from God, if He is in your life, and send you love and light.

 

[MissLulu]

Oh, ChickPea, I'm so sorry. I don't have grandchildren so I'm not in your position, but I imagine it must be incredibly hard.

I agree with Busy, we have no control over our adult kids. If I were you I would prioritise the baby over an adult child who continues to make poor decisions. It sounds to me like you are leaning heavily towards this.

Of course you don't want anything to happen to your daughter. My son has threatened suicide many times. I now see it as a form of manipulation on his part. Of course I can never be sure he's not serious, but I have learned not to panic every time this threat is made. I don't know your daughter and I have no idea whether she is serious or not, but it does seem to me that these difficult kids love to back us into a corner with these sorts of threats.

Sending you love and empathy.

L x

 

[New Leaf]

Oh boy. This is awful Chickpea. It’s doubly hard when finances are low. With my grands under foster care, I receive some help, would you be able to qualify for help in your state? There is a lot of reform under kinship guardianship.
I am sorry for the pain and worry you are going through. Please take good care of yourself.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Nandina]

Chickpea, if you have state approved guardianship of your grandchild, doesn’t your daughter have to show that she is capable of caring for him before she can get him back? For example, in some states she would have to complete a plan— job with enough money to support child, place to live, drug free, etc. I had to fill out those guardianship papers every year and I made sure to put down every detail such as birth mother has made no effort to contact the child, is on drugs, jobless, no support, etc. And I always stated that we wanted to adopt him in the future.

I can’t imagine it would be that easy for her to just waltz back into his life and regain custody without proving herself fit first and how likely is that with her admitted drug use?

In any event, I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make regarding your grandchild.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear ChickPea

I'm sorry this is so hard. The others have made good points.

Threats were made against our lives

This is serious. It can be a felony crime to make this kind of violent threat. I think that this can't be ignored or minimized.

Many of our kids threaten to kill themselves. While it could always happen, in my son's case, I see it as a kind of (very poor) coping strategy. This even more than manipulative. Because he knows now he will just get me very mad and I might even call the cops if he says it. I think when he feels trapped and powerless and doesn't know what to do, or doesn't want to do what he must, he thinks about exiting altogether. For my son, so far, it's momentary and not serious. For your daughter, who knows?

But the thing is, how can you operate from this fear? How do you control what she does or could do? How can you act from this place, when there is so much more at stake, over which you do have control?

we should file for full custody

From everything you've written since you've been on this forum, I hope very much you go ahead with filing for full custody.

I can understand your fear. But you may get your daughter's attention by acting decisively to protect her baby and yourself.. She may get a wake up call. Nothing else has reached her.

There is a reality here. She would be a horrible mother to her child, at this point, given who she is and how she lives. She toys with him. She is indifferent to his welfare. She is living in a fantasy land part time and a degraded drug-fueled haze, the other part. To play along with her any longer is to indulge her.

The reality is that she is incapable and unequipped to care for, even for an afternoon, her baby. She can't take care of herself. Or won't. This is the reality. She needs to see it. She needs to be faced with real world consequences. But she can't be the point. She needs to be her own point. You can't do it.

The baby has to be the point. Your point.

Your daughter can't be the basis of your decision. You can't protect her. She needs to learn to do that for herself. This begins with baby steps. Not with real babies.

I hope so much you file for complete, full, permanent custody of the baby. The baby needs to be protected. You need to be protected. I have no ambivalence whatsoever about this.

You put in bold type her own suicide threat. What about the threats against your lives? Why is that not in bold? People don't get to threaten lives. Even children to parents. You are the only ones holding this together. I don't know Chickpea. I think there needs to be full custody, and a restraining order needs to be considered. She's escalating.

I would go to the attorney ASAP.

 

[Blindsided]

Chickpea, my heart goes out to you. So many good points and resources in this thread. Copa is spot on. The suicide threats are always difficult. My Difficult Child had a plan and threatened, and she manipulated the police (she raged at me with a coat rack full of cloths and the hot line person called the police). The mental health person they sent let my Difficult Child manipulate her to. That's when I saw how woefully inadequate our mental health care is. I honestly think if they could have taken her in right then, she wouldn't be resisting mental health care now. Anyway, my point is, we have no control.

From what you have shared, I think a reasonable person would conclude your daughter is not fit to care for her child. She's demonstrated she is incapable of putting her childs need first.

Whatever you decide we are here to support your decision. Just dont take threats lightly, she is also impaired. My therapist told be to never be part of an intervention again.

In healing

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Chickpea, I'm so very sorry for what you are dealing with. What our adult children can put us through is so unfair.
If your daughter is still using drugs and drinking she, as you already know, is in no condition to care for her child. I will never understand the mindset of our adult kids who think they are better prepared to care for their children even though they cannot care for themselves.
I agree with the others that you need to consult a lawyer and file for custody.
As for your daughters threats of harming you or herself, I feel all threats should be taken seriously. If at all possible and she threatens you again, can you record her?
Also, if she threatens to harm herself, you can always call the police. They can pick her up and put her in a hospital for an evaluation. The reason I'm suggesting this is because if she is using this as a manipulation tactic you will send a clear message to her how you will respond.
Again, I'm just so very sorry for what you are going through.
Stay strong. This is one of those times you can draw on the strength of all of us here.

 

[JMom]

Chickpea,

I don't have anything to add but my friendly thoughts and prayers. I too, hope you get custody. The baby is lucky to have you and the hubs. You will undoubtedly change his life, for the better. So thankful that he will have a voice-through you.
Hugs,
Jmom

 

[ChickPea]

In the end we have no say over our grown children. I think they often use our fear of them hurting themselves to get us to back off. My daughter has threatened to kill herself many times. If she was trying to scare us, it worked.

I wish you blessings from God, if He is in your life, and send you love and light.

I'm sorry you have had to make similar decisions, but really thank you for your supportive and thoughtful words: They often use our fear of them hurting themselves to get us to back off. I think this is exactly what she is doing (at least in this instance). When she is feeling things sliding out of her grip, this is a card she can "play" so to speak. Thanks for putting that in words.

Chickpea, if you have state approved guardianship of your grandchild, doesn’t your daughter have to show that she is capable of caring for him before she can get him back? For example, in some states she would have to complete a plan— job with enough money to support child, place to live, drug free, etc. I had to fill out those guardianship papers every year and I made sure to put down every detail such as birth mother has made no effort to contact the child, is on drugs, jobless, no support, etc. And I always stated that we wanted to adopt him in the future.

I can’t imagine it would be that easy for her to just waltz back into his life and regain custody without proving herself fit first and how likely is that with her admitted drug use?

In any event, I wish you the very best in whatever decision you make regarding your grandchild.

I'm leaning this way. Stuck in my own goop, I can't get the perspective on this that I might if I were advising a friend, but part of me feels like now is the time. At the very least to say what you've said on the papers. I think I need to, at least to document and show a willingness to continue to support our grandchild. I'm a bit trapped in her web of "not telling anyone" but I want to be comfortable with how things are so that when our grandbaby is old enough to notice he doesn't feel like something is wrong with him.

Chickpea, my heart goes out to you. So many good points and resources in this thread. Copa is spot on. The suicide threats are always difficult. My Difficult Child had a plan and threatened, and she manipulated the police (she raged at me with a coat rack full of cloths and the hot line person called the police). The mental health person they sent let my Difficult Child manipulate her to. That's when I saw how woefully inadequate our mental health care is. I honestly think if they could have taken her in right then, she wouldn't be resisting mental health care now. Anyway, my point is, we have no control.

From what you have shared, I think a reasonable person would conclude your daughter is not fit to care for her child. She's demonstrated she is incapable of putting her childs need first.

Whatever you decide we are here to support your decision. Just dont take threats lightly, she is also impaired. My therapist told be to never be part of an intervention again.

In healing

Thank you, @Blindsided it was helpful to hear that. I believe I'm operating from a little fear from my daughter doing the same thing. She was/is a master manipulator and lied herself through 2 treatment facilities and 1 group home, plus had her P.O. wrapped around her finger to the point where we had to report him to his superiors! This was all when she was 17/18 years old.

@Copabanana interesting point about my focus on her suicide threats and not the threats she made to myself and my husband. She's threatened the same thing about the alleged father (harming him). I don't know that her sober brain would ever act on that, but who knows what her self-medicated brain would do. My husband and I have both confessed that we worry that we wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibility that she could "walk off a bridge" so to speak, with her and the baby. Romanticizing and end to them both and an eternity together. It's scary and sad to admit that we have both secretly fretted over it happening.