I'm heartbroken! She's PG

[meowbunny]

After staying here from 12/22 to 12/31, she finally went back to her apartment. I asked her a few times why she was staying here. The first time it was because the apartment was just too filthy. Then it was she just didn't know. I think I found out the truth yesterday and I'm heartsick.

She called me yesterday because she felt I'd be upset if she didn't. DUH!!! She's pregnant. Guess who the daddy is? Yup, her roommate that she claims is like a brother to her and has girl friends on a monthly basis.

I asked what she planned to do. "Love it a lot." I bit my tongue. The next comment was, "Others have done it. I can, too." The tears started flowing on my side.

I did lose it when she told me who the father was. He's a nice guy but no way is he prepared to be a father. He'd planned to go to Miami to live with his grandparents and work down there. Who knows what the plans will be now. If there's a wedding, I'm not going, but I doubt there will be.

If she really loved this baby, she'd give it up for adoption. It will have love but nothing else. No education, no future. Heck, she doesn't even have the ability to pay for an apartment, has no car, is a total slob. How can she possibly pay for the expenses of an infant? A baby deserves better.

If I had my way, she'd get an abortion but I know there is no chance of that happening, just like I know there's no way she will give the baby up willingly.

This is so wrong on so many levels. She's not emotionally ready to be a parent. She certainly isn't financially prepared and, quite honestly, even if I could help her, I wouldn't other than making sure she has a roof over her head. Of course, I'm in no shape to help her at all.

I was so hoping that when she moved back with me I could get her back to school, working to having a real future. Now, I'm looking at my daughter not having a chance in hell for anything but a very hard life. I'm looking at a baby being born into poverty and a clueless mother.

I know a lot of you will say that my attitude will change when the baby is born. I don't think so. Being a grandmother was never high on my list of life goals. As a matter of fact, it was never on my list although I knew that one day I would be because of who my daughter is. To me, this baby will be something that ruins my daughter's chances at having a decent life.

I'll help her as much as I can emotionally. I'll try to guide her through this and help her get the medical care she needs. Heck, I'll even be there when the baby is born if she asks me to but I'm not going to be happy about any of it.

I'm angry, terrified for my child, scared for a baby that will be loved but have nothing, disgusted with my daughter's choices. Of course, I can't stop crying about the whole mess.

 

[ctmom05]

I know your emotions are really tumbling right now and they will be for awhile. I am not saying you will or should change your mind about anything, your ideals are what make you who you are....but hopefully the dust will settle a little as this sinks in.

You said "To me, this baby will be something that ruins my daughter's chances at having a decent life." A baby can never do that, it's your daughter's choices that can do that, but they don't have to.

 

[DDD]

Sending understanding hugs your way. It is a painful experience as it confirms many dreams will never be and stifled fears may be valid.

Take your time. Vent here. Avoid making any statements about her future or your anticipated reaction to them. She is, unfortunately, in the drivers seat. The steering wheel is not in your hands.

Hugs. DDD

 

[Stella Johnson]

Oh boy. I wasn't expecting this when I read your post about her not going home.
I had my difficult child when I was 20. I was a bit of a wild child myself. I had no clue what I was doing but I learned. Believe it or not if she hadn't come along I'd probably be worse off. It forced me to grow up.
I'm still a single mom but I have a great job and I own my home.
Having difficult child really has helped me even with all her issues.

Maybe this will help your difficult child too. Only time will tell.

steph

 

[Hound dog]

mb

I know the situation looks bleak right now. Your post reminded me of how I felt when I saw Nichole's preg test result even though I'd suspected it for some time.

She was in such a bad place then. So completely unstable, only 15 for Godsakes, and a controling boyfriend on top of it all. I was terrified for her, the baby, and just couldn't see anything good coming out of it. I was angry that she nor boyfriend had used bc. And that although she was pregant, it was all falling on husband and I. She was so very immature then, couldn't even consistantly care for a pet, let alone a baby.

But once Aubrey was in her arms.....That was when the change in Nichole began. It was bumpy at first, with alot of false starts and back sliding. But Aubrey motivated her like nothing else ever could. And I forced myself to stay in the background and just be Nana no matter how tempted I was to step in and take over. And I watched with amazement as Nichole stepped into the mother role and did what she'd learned from example. I watched as she began to mature and realize what was important to both her and Aubrey.

The change has been dramatic. And it continues.

Instead of being a total disaster, she's made me proud.

I know it doesn't always work out that way. But many times it does.

Nichole tells me that Aubrey is the one who makes her brave enough to keep pushing forward. That Aubrey had saved her from the worst in herself. And she also tells me that it most likely wouldn't have happened that way if I'd swooped in and taken over. I forced her to face the responsibility head on.

If someone had told me right after reading that pregnancy test that it would've worked out for Nichole the way it has.......I'd have never believed it. At 15 she was horribly immature, and emotional mess, and even suicidal.

Miracles do happen. And sometimes a wee little baby can bring out the best in a person. I pray that will happen for your difficult child.

(((hugs)))

 

[Jena]

oh man. breath i can hear your upsetment and your frustration. i'd feel the same way don't worry about being harsh we aren't here to judge we're here for you. this is a rough one, by far. wow.

All I can say at this point is what id' do i think if it were easy child, anger without a doubt, confusion sheer disgust at her lack of judgement.

your emotions are all over the board right now, rightfully so. yet you will calm, get some major distance from her no calls right now or visits or anything. Just take some you time to help her get thru this, because at the end of the day tha'Tourette's Syndrome what your going to do to some extent.

It is sad, yet there is a flip side to all of this. This pregnancy and soon to be baby may just create a huge need obviously and a huge wake up call to her that if she isnt' responsible she's going to hurt more than herself here.

Yes it would be a whole lot better if this hadnt' happened, but it did and now you need to find your place with it somehow. This will get better. I know it's not what you wanted for her, or what you had hoped for. yet I speak from experience and pls. hear me on this one sometimes the biggest surprises can actually turn out to be the best ones. She's 20, not 13 or 15. She's becoming an adult, not the way youd' like her to granted but she's an adult now. This is her child and her life now. There may be a wedding who knows what theyll decide to do.

ok i'm sharing and hopefully this will help somewhat. easy child isn't from my marriage. i became pregnant with her at 22 years old. I had just moved out on my own, similar situation having hard time with bills i did have a job though yet at the end of the day i was no where near mom material or ready. I chose to do it on my own, my parents disowned me for this for the first 6 mos. of my pregnancy it hurt me greatly.

At the end of the day easy child made me grow up and get a grip. yes I know i had a job, yet maybe you and easy child can figure out what it is she can do to earn money now, health benefits, etc. or see what the state has to offer. here in new york we have a childcare benefits program for ppl who do not make that much, i'm not sure what your state offers.

Point i'm trying to make is my parents got over their carp by the time I needed them to, which was great. I had a difficult pregnancy and was bed ridden for the last 3 mos of it, yes the whole thing was dramatic my mom was disgusted with me, etc. yet i managed, when push came to shove i managed. easy child taught me how to love unconditionally hence my huge huge attachment to that kid. i learned how to be a mom real quick, how to hire nanny's, make money to feed her, take good care of her, etc. i made my mistakes along the way as your easy child did, yet when she sees that child hopefully it'll all turn around. Try to have faith in that.

I'm sorry you are in this, it's one of my largest fears besides difficult child to be honest. I'm always afraid that easy child will pull a hey i'm prego in senior year and i'll wind up raising my grandchild. yet life is what it is.

I'm sending you hugs, if you ever wanna pm pls feel free to do so. i just wanted to share my tale in hopes it would help you somehow see that sometimes it can turn out good.

(((((Hugs))))) takea hot bubble bath and relax. so you can calm.

 

[everywoman]

MB, I so know your frustration and concern. Unfortunately, having a baby can't make you grow up, no matter how much love you have for the child. I am the product of that fact. I am sorry for your pain. You are right, you will support her, and love her, but your don't have to be happy about her choices! And remember, they are her choices. They will, however, also affect your life because as you know, you may be the one who ends up supporting and caring for this child. I'm sorry. Have you looked into one of the places for unwed mothers? That may be a choice right now. They would help her get on the right track, find a vocation, make choices she needs to make on her own without you having to step in.

 

[meowbunny]

Honestly, I could have handled this much better two years ago. I expected something this stupid back then. Two years ago I agree that it might have helped her grow and mature. But today, no. She was getting her life together, actually seeing that she needed an education, needed to make changes. The way things were going, I could see her getting her GED after she moved back in, taking classes at the local CC to get a degree to become a vet tech. Now, all I see is another single mother with no hopes and no chances.

It's not fair to the baby. It's not fair to the young woman she was becoming. I won't reject her or the baby. I'll be there as much as I can before the baby is born. I'm not sure how much I'll be there for either of them after the baby is born. The idea of her getting financial aid, let alone welfare, nauseates me. That's not how she was raised and obviously not something I believe in. It is morally wrong to me so long as you are capable of working. You. Don't. Take. Charity. You. Don't. Ask. Others. To. Pay. Your. Way. You give of yourself as much as possible. You help others. You don't ask others to help you. Heck, asking my mother for help almost killed me.

Sadly, I can see her future. She'll take her tips from her "friends." That means she will get all the financial aid she can muster. She'll take the easy way out. She will love her baby and take care of it to the best of her ability. She won't see where she is cheating her child. She'll see that there is financial aid for a low-income female with a child and take every dime she can get. Basically, she'll be like her biomom minus the alcoholism and drug abuse.

I don't think I have it in me to love this baby. It is her choices, but her choices will be limited by being a parent. My heart is invested in my child, not some baby she will have that will destroy any chances she has for the life she deserves.

 

[Jena]

hi

i know it's a rough one, i cannot even imagine. I really can't. I know thinking of her on welfare or receiving financial assistance to finish school isn't the way youd like to see this go. Yet at this point it is what it is. I too was just getting my stuff together when i became pregnant. Yet i took grants, loans, etc. for colllege i even enrolled easy child in a program at my college i took day classes with her and i actually wound up running the daycare it was oversaw by parents a teaching college. i won an award for overcoming personal obstacles earning my degree and raising my baby and also making the daycare a better place. so things do turn out ok, really they do. that was me i know she's different yet have some faith here a little.

as far as this baby is concerned its' not the unborn babies fault, i know your anger has to go somewhere it's easy child's fault. so she's the one stopping herself to some extent. i know you know this already. i did the same thing, i could of been a lawyer like i wanted yet i chose to have her. I agree that having a baby can't make "everyone' grow up. Yet it does for some, and I am living proof of that. I'm sure there are stories on both sides of the fence as with most things. just hope that she has some of you in her, and i think she does. you, the person you are, the things you have taught her will shine through.

So, i hope you get thru this ok, i know you'll be there for her. my parents took the opposite approach their very dramatic, hmm wonder where i get my drama from? LOL

Your going to be ok, easy child is going to get thru this and the day will come where you really will look back and say wow i remember when?? Believe me i put my parents thru hell also. Yet now they look at easy child even with her ridiculous carp as of lately and she still beams and seems to have this way about her that just pulls in everyone in her circle. you just can't help but love her.

alright i've said enough lol. i'm just sending you more hugs. you need time with this.

 

[DammitJanet]

MB....I know you are ticked off...I was too. I can see both sides because I was a difficult child and having kids saved my life but I was terrified when Cory had a kid. I honestly wish he hadnt but I am glad I did...lol. I got all my schooling after I had kids. Did it with a 4.0 GPA too. My kids watched me walk and they were all right proud of me. Never say that a kid will ruin your daughters life. It could turn it around and the child could grow up to be someone who turns this world around.

Ok...enough soap box....lol. Where do I send all the baby clothes?

 

[KTMom91]

I don't know what to say, MB. Offering hugs, strength, and support.

 

[bran155]

Oh, I am so, so sorry. I can only imagine all of the emotions you are going through. I can totally understand your fear and frustration. I am waiting for a similar call from my daughter one of these days. And I think I would feel exactly the way you do. These young girls today do not realize the impact a baby will have on their lives, nor do they think about the baby's future. Add mental illness to the mix and it only makes for more problems. On the other hand as Janet has said it could improve her life. I know that is very hard for you to wrap your brain around as it would be for me also.

Take deep breaths and realize that this is her choice and unfortunately it is out of your hands. If she chooses to have this baby you will do what ever you are emotionally capable of doing. And that's okay. Try not to drive yourself crazy, you have been a great mother and this is not in any way a reflection on you.

You are in my thoughts. Hang in there and God bless.

{{{HUGS}}}
Shawna

 

[Suz]

I understand your fear. I am so sorry.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[1905]

((((HUGS)))) I know many women who changed their ways after becoming pregnant. It forces them to put the baby first and look towards the future. Hopefully, the same thing will happen in your daughters situation. It's hard, but definately do-able. I had difficult child when I was 20. There were a few years where things were really hard, this is embarrassing, but I was on welfare and medical assistance for a year and a half. I turned my life around and have a normal life. I didn't have parents to help me, or be supportive in any way, and I made a life for myself. And your daughter will too.(((HUGS)))-Alyssa

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry.

No "you'll feel different later"s from me. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. You are entitled to your feelings as they are right now.

So, so sorry. Many hugs, and of course prayers that the right thing happens.

 

[Wiped Out]

Many hugs and prayers being sent your way. I can totally understand your feelings.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{MB}}} You are expressing the EXACT feelings I would have if my difficult child came home PG.

It's a lot to take in all at once and you know her better than anyone. And my biggest fear would be that I would step in to take care of the baby because I know she couldn't!

Perhaps one of the tips she receives from one of her friends will be that she should abort or put out for adoption. You just never know.

In the meantime, sending lots of hugs and support.

 

[jbrain]

Hi MB,
so sorry to hear this news but am hoping it turns out better than you think it will. I do understand, my difficult child and the boyfriend are living off welfare in the state of Washington. They seem to feel no qualms about accepting financial help--if it was helping them to "get on their feet" it would be one thing but I don't think that is what they are doing (although difficult child is working).

My difficult child does seem to finally have something to live for though--she really seems to love her baby and feels she has a purpose now. I hope that will happen for your difficult child.

I also did not really have any "grandmotherly" feelings for this baby til he was born. I do love him now. I am very glad though that I am on the opposite side of the country from them. I can't possibly jump in and help and I don't have to watch the day-to-day goings on. People are always asking me when I am going to go visit--well, I don't know, I may never go. Right now it is okay to just receive pictures and talk on the phone. I am not going to be raising this child, he is difficult child's responsibility.

So, many hugs going out to you, I am sorry this is how 2009 is starting out for you.

Take care,
Jane

 

[PonyGirl]

So sorry, MB. Big (((hugs)))

Peace

 

[maril]

You certainly are entitled to your feelings; this is a huge surprise. My wishes for a positive outcome to this situation. Hugs to you and your daughter, too. I also am of the mindset that I would not be thrilled about having to raise a grandchild at this point in my life; I understand that you would feel that way. Take care.