RiverWitch102
New Member
Well, I found this forum by googling the phrase, "I don't want to raise my grandchildren." Hello and thank you for existing. It's humbling, in a way, to admit that *I need to talk to someone.* My problem is complicated.
Hubby and I have been together for 4-1/2 years, and have been happily married since summer 2012. Hubby and his ex have three children together. The ex just moved to another state, which was exactly what she needed to do, and we are on friendly terms these days. The boys are 23 and 19, and doing well for themselves.
The ongoing problems I (and my hubby) are experiencing center on our "Difficult Child": my 21 y/o stepdaughter, who was diagnosed bipolar (type 2) in her early teens. Her mom is also bipolar (type 1/manic), and the home in which these children were reared was quite dysfunctional, in very large part due to the ex's illness--everyone involved admits that. The boys apparently "patterned" on their dad, but my stepdaughter patterned on her mother, and it is causing us no end of trouble right now. My SDr and I came into each others' lives in a significant way when SDr was a couple months short of her 17th birthday. My husband had physical custody of his daughter (though legally it was "joint custody" with the ex). SDr graduated high school a year early. Now, you may ask, what were her plans after she graduated? Was she going to college? Was she going to work? Apparently, none of the above. Apparently her "plan" was to do exactly what was modeled by her mother--to get married, have children, and have a man take care of her for the rest of her life. To say that things are not going exactly as she planned is the understatement of the year.
I will leave out for now most of the "trail of tears" that leads to where I am today, to try and focus on the present and very recent past. Back in May, my SDr took my SGS to the emergency room for a headache, and when the child was examined, they apparently found some bruises on him that seemed suspicious. My SDr was arrested and physical custody of SGS was given to the child's biological father. SDr's husband was out of the loop at the time--SDr was planning to divorce him, though they were still living together out of financial necessity... and the authorities decreed that the child could no longer stay overnight under the same roof his mother was under.
On the day of the arrest, husband and SS23 went and bailed SDr out of jail. SDr has never been in any legal trouble before (though she's well known to be erratic... she has been suicidal before, and was also a cutter during her teen years). Over the summer, CPS did an investigation and we learned two weeks ago that CPS filed a Class 1 Founded Disposition against my SDr. Criminal charges have also been pending against my SDr since the day of the arrest. At first it was one charge, "cruelty to a child," but "malicious wounding" was also added at some point.
We honestly don't believe my SDr did this. She was, at the time, trying to spend as much time away from the house as possible to avoid her husband, who while flawed as we all are, is a really good, honorable guy. SDr had also cheated on her husband several times during the marriage... they seem to go from drama to drama. At the time of the arrest, SDr was spending a lot of time with a particular female friend of hers, who is married and has a 5-year old boy and an infant girl. The friend was also babysitting my SGS during the short time this spring that my SDr had a job and was at work. My SGS is a very physically active boy and what we speculate is that any bruising that was on the child happened as a result of roughhousing between SGS and the 5-year old while playing. (SGS was two months short of his third birthday when the alleged crime occurred.) That said, I do question the quality of supervision, and in addition, I'm aware that the friend's husband is a felon (drug charges) on probation and is known to have physically roughed up his wife in the past, which would perhaps constitute neglect, at least, on SDr's part for leaving a child in that environment.
SDr also has a bad habit of running to the ER for every little thing... the drama, you know... she clearly enjoys the attention. It used to drive husband and me crazy. We chided and warned her many times to stop the behavior, to no avail. When she turned 18, and before she married her husband, we had drop her from our insurance out of self-preservation--because she was driving us to the poorhouse with this behavior. My SSIL also had her removed from his insurance when she asked him for the divorce at the end of last year, and when he saw that SDr was bringing the biodad back into the picture, he had SGS removed from it as well. I think he did the right thing, because SDr was doing the same thing to her hubby as she did to us... running up doctor and hospital bills for piddly things, with no thought as to how said bills were going to get paid. So since the beginning of this year, SDr and SGS are both on Medicaid.
At any rate, SGS did not receive any official "treatment" for any condition while at the hospital. He was simply kept overnight for observation and released into the biodad's custody the next day. The bruises, we are given to understand, were projected to be a week old at the time. The headache was deemed to be nothing serious. The arrest happened because a suspicious nurse called the sheriff, who questioned my SGS... apparently he said that "mommy did it." My SDr was then interviewed, and it appears she incriminated herself during that conversation, and was at that point arrested. I think she is just a naive young woman who was taught to trust authority to help her when she was in trouble, and I believe she also thought, "I have nothing to hide." My belief is that she was coerced and railroaded into a specious "confession"... nonetheless, I acknowledge that SDr been dodging karma bullets for years now, and one of them finally "got" her.
SDr also became pregnant again in February, and is due in early December. Her husband is definitely not the father of this child, though the bio dad *may* be [*headdesk*]. Nonetheless, SDr and her husband they decided after the arrest to reconcile, though there was a lot of discussion about her giving this new child up for adoption--even without the legal situation, they really can't afford another child. She had already spoken to an adoption counselor at DSS and we thought everything was decided. About three weeks ago, they were here at my house and I overheard them telling SGS that he was going to have a new baby brother, and wasn't it exciting? In my head I said (again), WTF???, but said nothing to them at the time. After they left, I told husband and he, also went WTF??? They have apparently decided to keep the baby, even though SDr may be going to jail!! SSIL is putting his name on the birth certificate, even though he knows the child is not his (in my state, the legal father of a child is presumed to be the man a woman is married to, unless/until proven otherwise).
husband and I are at our wit's end. We do not have the energy or the funds to raise one grandchild, much less two. husband is on the hook for alimony for the next eight years (his ex stayed at home to raise kids... not that she ever had much luck holding a job the few times she tried to have one). We feel angry and put-upon by my SD, and to an extent to our SSIL too, as it feels like they are trying to "force our hand" by deciding to keep the new baby before we even know if SDr is going to have to do any jail time. We have told them we have no intention of being involved with the care and raising of the new child. We would take the 3-year old in an emergency situation if we had to, because foster care would be a bottomless pit of wrong for anyone older than an infant, but it looks like there is no way we are going to get out of providing *some* level of financial support for this ill-advised family unit.
They lived with us for over two years, when SDr was pregnant with the 3-year old. They paid no rent, helped with no bills. I asked SSIL one time for $20 to help with groceries, and he told me flat out, "no." They managed to save *not one penny* of SSIL's salary while they were living with us. SSIL has a decent job making over $15/hr., and is full-time. We booted them out, using an emergent tax matter as a plausible excuse (and it was the truth, though far more easily resolved than we let on at the time). They promptly moved in with husband's ex, even though we exhorted them to get their own place. They looked at one place they could afford, and SDr complained, "it's too small." husband's response was, "it's bigger than your car." (Good for him.)
So, with this court case still pending, and us having overnight custody of SGS, husband and I are also troubled about what we are seeing are the little ways that we "enable" these kids in the unsustainable life they have constructed for themselves. Such as, last night, SSIL phoning and saying, "can you come pick SGS up, I don't have enough gas," and husband agreed to do it. Well, SSIL has a credit card (thanks to my pushing him to improve his financial situation; he has no collections, just a "thin" credit file). I really suspect they just didn't want to come out on a rainy, chilly night.
Advice, strategies, experiences shared, would be most appreciated.
Hubby and I have been together for 4-1/2 years, and have been happily married since summer 2012. Hubby and his ex have three children together. The ex just moved to another state, which was exactly what she needed to do, and we are on friendly terms these days. The boys are 23 and 19, and doing well for themselves.
The ongoing problems I (and my hubby) are experiencing center on our "Difficult Child": my 21 y/o stepdaughter, who was diagnosed bipolar (type 2) in her early teens. Her mom is also bipolar (type 1/manic), and the home in which these children were reared was quite dysfunctional, in very large part due to the ex's illness--everyone involved admits that. The boys apparently "patterned" on their dad, but my stepdaughter patterned on her mother, and it is causing us no end of trouble right now. My SDr and I came into each others' lives in a significant way when SDr was a couple months short of her 17th birthday. My husband had physical custody of his daughter (though legally it was "joint custody" with the ex). SDr graduated high school a year early. Now, you may ask, what were her plans after she graduated? Was she going to college? Was she going to work? Apparently, none of the above. Apparently her "plan" was to do exactly what was modeled by her mother--to get married, have children, and have a man take care of her for the rest of her life. To say that things are not going exactly as she planned is the understatement of the year.
I will leave out for now most of the "trail of tears" that leads to where I am today, to try and focus on the present and very recent past. Back in May, my SDr took my SGS to the emergency room for a headache, and when the child was examined, they apparently found some bruises on him that seemed suspicious. My SDr was arrested and physical custody of SGS was given to the child's biological father. SDr's husband was out of the loop at the time--SDr was planning to divorce him, though they were still living together out of financial necessity... and the authorities decreed that the child could no longer stay overnight under the same roof his mother was under.
On the day of the arrest, husband and SS23 went and bailed SDr out of jail. SDr has never been in any legal trouble before (though she's well known to be erratic... she has been suicidal before, and was also a cutter during her teen years). Over the summer, CPS did an investigation and we learned two weeks ago that CPS filed a Class 1 Founded Disposition against my SDr. Criminal charges have also been pending against my SDr since the day of the arrest. At first it was one charge, "cruelty to a child," but "malicious wounding" was also added at some point.
We honestly don't believe my SDr did this. She was, at the time, trying to spend as much time away from the house as possible to avoid her husband, who while flawed as we all are, is a really good, honorable guy. SDr had also cheated on her husband several times during the marriage... they seem to go from drama to drama. At the time of the arrest, SDr was spending a lot of time with a particular female friend of hers, who is married and has a 5-year old boy and an infant girl. The friend was also babysitting my SGS during the short time this spring that my SDr had a job and was at work. My SGS is a very physically active boy and what we speculate is that any bruising that was on the child happened as a result of roughhousing between SGS and the 5-year old while playing. (SGS was two months short of his third birthday when the alleged crime occurred.) That said, I do question the quality of supervision, and in addition, I'm aware that the friend's husband is a felon (drug charges) on probation and is known to have physically roughed up his wife in the past, which would perhaps constitute neglect, at least, on SDr's part for leaving a child in that environment.
SDr also has a bad habit of running to the ER for every little thing... the drama, you know... she clearly enjoys the attention. It used to drive husband and me crazy. We chided and warned her many times to stop the behavior, to no avail. When she turned 18, and before she married her husband, we had drop her from our insurance out of self-preservation--because she was driving us to the poorhouse with this behavior. My SSIL also had her removed from his insurance when she asked him for the divorce at the end of last year, and when he saw that SDr was bringing the biodad back into the picture, he had SGS removed from it as well. I think he did the right thing, because SDr was doing the same thing to her hubby as she did to us... running up doctor and hospital bills for piddly things, with no thought as to how said bills were going to get paid. So since the beginning of this year, SDr and SGS are both on Medicaid.
At any rate, SGS did not receive any official "treatment" for any condition while at the hospital. He was simply kept overnight for observation and released into the biodad's custody the next day. The bruises, we are given to understand, were projected to be a week old at the time. The headache was deemed to be nothing serious. The arrest happened because a suspicious nurse called the sheriff, who questioned my SGS... apparently he said that "mommy did it." My SDr was then interviewed, and it appears she incriminated herself during that conversation, and was at that point arrested. I think she is just a naive young woman who was taught to trust authority to help her when she was in trouble, and I believe she also thought, "I have nothing to hide." My belief is that she was coerced and railroaded into a specious "confession"... nonetheless, I acknowledge that SDr been dodging karma bullets for years now, and one of them finally "got" her.
SDr also became pregnant again in February, and is due in early December. Her husband is definitely not the father of this child, though the bio dad *may* be [*headdesk*]. Nonetheless, SDr and her husband they decided after the arrest to reconcile, though there was a lot of discussion about her giving this new child up for adoption--even without the legal situation, they really can't afford another child. She had already spoken to an adoption counselor at DSS and we thought everything was decided. About three weeks ago, they were here at my house and I overheard them telling SGS that he was going to have a new baby brother, and wasn't it exciting? In my head I said (again), WTF???, but said nothing to them at the time. After they left, I told husband and he, also went WTF??? They have apparently decided to keep the baby, even though SDr may be going to jail!! SSIL is putting his name on the birth certificate, even though he knows the child is not his (in my state, the legal father of a child is presumed to be the man a woman is married to, unless/until proven otherwise).
husband and I are at our wit's end. We do not have the energy or the funds to raise one grandchild, much less two. husband is on the hook for alimony for the next eight years (his ex stayed at home to raise kids... not that she ever had much luck holding a job the few times she tried to have one). We feel angry and put-upon by my SD, and to an extent to our SSIL too, as it feels like they are trying to "force our hand" by deciding to keep the new baby before we even know if SDr is going to have to do any jail time. We have told them we have no intention of being involved with the care and raising of the new child. We would take the 3-year old in an emergency situation if we had to, because foster care would be a bottomless pit of wrong for anyone older than an infant, but it looks like there is no way we are going to get out of providing *some* level of financial support for this ill-advised family unit.
They lived with us for over two years, when SDr was pregnant with the 3-year old. They paid no rent, helped with no bills. I asked SSIL one time for $20 to help with groceries, and he told me flat out, "no." They managed to save *not one penny* of SSIL's salary while they were living with us. SSIL has a decent job making over $15/hr., and is full-time. We booted them out, using an emergent tax matter as a plausible excuse (and it was the truth, though far more easily resolved than we let on at the time). They promptly moved in with husband's ex, even though we exhorted them to get their own place. They looked at one place they could afford, and SDr complained, "it's too small." husband's response was, "it's bigger than your car." (Good for him.)
So, with this court case still pending, and us having overnight custody of SGS, husband and I are also troubled about what we are seeing are the little ways that we "enable" these kids in the unsustainable life they have constructed for themselves. Such as, last night, SSIL phoning and saying, "can you come pick SGS up, I don't have enough gas," and husband agreed to do it. Well, SSIL has a credit card (thanks to my pushing him to improve his financial situation; he has no collections, just a "thin" credit file). I really suspect they just didn't want to come out on a rainy, chilly night.
Advice, strategies, experiences shared, would be most appreciated.
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(Hubby and I have no relationship with the biodad, and have made it clear to him that we do not want one.)
