Introducing Myself

[Hopeless]

I am 45 years old, married 16 years. We have two children. Oldest daughter (19) is my biological child and husband adopted her after marriage. We have a younger daughter together.

I found this site the other day when I was looking up some information on ODD (difficult child was disagnosed with ODD and depression 3 years ago). I have read some of the posts my heart goes out to all of you. I thought my life was the only ONE like this.

I started to type up all that has happened with difficult child in the past 5 years and I got overwhelmed trying to type it all out.

 

[NOLA]

Hi Hopeless,

Glad you found the site - it's not the magic pill but it does help. I'm sorry you needed it but believe me you have lots of company.

I know what you mean about writing that stuff down, it's very difficult to see it in B&W but believe me it helps to write it down and get it out - and for some insane reason to throw it out there to 'strangers' works better for me than discussing with-friends, etc.

Take Care,

 

[Hopeless]

Thanks Nola for the welcome.

I really am dreading the Holidays because I never know if difficult child is going to be in a good mood or a horrible ugly mood. It is like a light switch off and on with her. husband and her do not see eye to eye on things and I try to keep everyone happy when she does come over to our house. Which she has not been to our house in about 3 months.

Sometimes I wish I could just say to her: "I am through with you and your choices. Please do not contact me anymore when you are in trouble." But then the guilt sets in that maybe I did something wrong with her and it is my fault that she makes the choices she does.

I never, ever thought she would end up in her life as she has. She lives with a boyfriend (another difficult child) and they blame all of their problems on everyone else. When she needs money or a car ride somewhere, she calls us. If I do not drop what I am doing at that exact moment to come to her rescure then I am a "horrible mother and she cannot stand me" her words are much more colorful and I get more depressed everytime I hear from her.

My mother has taking difficult child's side and when difficult child gets into legal trouble or has an issue, my mother then calls us to get us to help out. I just want to wash my hands of the entire situation and I guess bury my head in the sand. My difficult child is 19 and I feel what choices she makes, she should have to deal with the concequences. That took many years of trying to please everyone in my family before I relealized during the past 6 months, that I cannot make them all happy.

I want to enjoy my life, without having to worry about when the phone rings what problems have now happened to her.

As you can tell by my rambling, I think with my heart and head at different times.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the board!

My difficult child is 19 and I feel what choices she makes, she should have to deal with the consequences.

Sounds to me like you've already begun Detachment 101 all on your own. Good for you!!!

You're not longer alone. Most of us here are dealing with the same or similar issues with our kids. It helps to be able to talk to other parents who actually know what you're talking about because they've also been there done that. (instead of them looking at you like you're the one who've lost your mind. lol)

(((hugs)))

 

[Scent of Cedar II]

But then the guilt sets in that maybe I did something wrong with her and it is my fault that she makes the choices she does.

they blame all of their problems on everyone else.

my mother then calls us to get us to help out.

My difficult child is 19 and I feel what choices she makes, she should have to deal with the concequences.

Welcome!

Know what?

I think we can help you with that....



Barbara

 

[jbrain]

Welcome, we all understand! I think you will get lots of good advice here and the support you need.

My 19 yr old dtr also lives with a difficult child boyfriend. The difference is I have gotten over the guilt and in a process that took about a year after she moved out I removed all financial help and basically told her she was on her own, don't come to me anymore for anything. Guess what? She got the message and now she and the boyfriend somehow support themselves and she feels much better about herself. She is confident and really nice to be around. She is not verbally abusive to me anymore, in fact just the opposite. I had accepted the fact that she would probably hate me and never talk to me again once I kicked her out of the house and then quit helping her. Well, that didn't happen--I think it made her respect me that she couldn't just walk all over me anymore. When you stand up to your difficult child I think it will make a big difference--you cannot allow the guilt you feel to make you into a doormat. As you know, if you give an inch she will take a mile and will not treat you nicely for it either.

Let us know what you need, we are here for you!
Jane

 

[goldenguru]

1)I never know if difficult child is going to be in a good mood or a horrible ugly mood.

2)I try to keep everyone happy when she does come over to our house.

3)"I am through with you and your choices. Please do not contact me anymore when you are in trouble."

4)They blame all of their problems on everyone else.

5)I just want to wash my hands of the entire situation.

6)My difficult child is 19 and I feel what choices she makes, she should have to deal with the consequences.

7)I cannot make them all happy.

8)I want to enjoy my life.

Welcome aboard.
1)Her moods are her responsibility. If she's in a bad mood - remove yourself.

2)Not your job to keep everyone happy. Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

3)I think that's a perfectly reasonable response. Try it out on her.

4)Just like every person is responsible for their own happiness - everyone is responsible for their own problems.

5)Washing your hands of her lousy choices sounds like a reasonable response. Try it out on her.

6)Absolutely the truth.

7)Absolutely the truth - not only can you NOT make them all happy - it's NOT YOUR JOB to make them all happy.

8)Enjoying your own life will begin when you can begin to really understand the thinking behind number 1 -7.

A great book I would recommend. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Again welcome aboard. Glad ya found us.

 

[Hopeless]

Thank you all!!!

I will checkout the book mentioned above and also the website. Sometimes I just feel alone and it is really nice to know others have silimar issues. I will definitely be on the boards reading and posting.

 

[DDD]

GG's response can not be topped! Get the book..lol. DDD

 

[everywoman]

GG said everything I thought of saying. Please note though that deatchment takes time---and it is not an easy task---but once achieved---you can learn to not live in the guilt! All of us here have been there done that. These ladies have taught me much! Listen, learn, and apply what you can when you can. Hugs----

 

[Suz]

Welcome Hopeless. I found the site in 1999 the very same way you did- by typing in ODD in a search engine. It's been a godsend for me.

Read our posts and our archives. You are not alone.

Suz

 

[mary9461]

Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us. It helps so much when you can talk to someone that really knows where you are coming from and doesn't judge you. What I have found here is that sometimes we could all be talking about the same difficult child. They all have so much in common. Keep posting and we will keep listening!

Hugs,
Marybeth