Is anyone happily married

[Marguerite]

I'm often wondering if our current partners would have married us had they known what they were getting into.

However, husband & I have been married for 29 years, together a few years before that. He's had to put up with a lot, with my health problems and disability. AND he's probably an Aspie, as well, although I think that could be why he stays - he's unbelievably loyal.

Having him lurk on this site has only strengthened what I thought was already perfect communication between us.

It's not perfect - it never is - but it comes close. But as someone else said, you have to never take your relationship for granted, you always have to make time for each other and work at things. Never try to change your partner, and if he has failings then just accept them and move on.

As for the kids - difficult child 1 looks set to follow in his father's footsteps, with a solid relationship that looks like it has been built ti last. Time will tell because there are always other factors and it's early days for them. But once again, it's the Aspie loyalty. His best mate is also an Aspie with a bipolar girlfriend - they have been solidly together for the last five years and are now living together.
difficult child 1 says he and his girlfriend will never have kids, they're scared of inflicting difficult child-ness on them genetically.
It's early days for easy child 2/difficult child 2. BF2 is a nice guy but very ADHD and unmedicated. They are pretty much living de facto, but under our roof. And now difficult child 1 is talking about girlfriend moving out of her parents home (she should - her mother is abusive) so we might get them, as well. Or mother in law might - it's a good thing she likes being around young people, and is broad-minded.

Marg

 

[flutterbee]

{{{{envisablepuppet}}}} I read your post and felt like you needed a hug.

 

[LovingAbbey]

I am not happily married...I have been married to husband for almost 1 year and I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with him. Maybe the honeymoon?!?!? I think I got married to him too quickly. I had blinders on, I totally ignored all the red flags. I feel so stupid. I was alone for soooo long. At any rate here we are now. I am married to a man who is a self-centered, adolescent, with middle child syndrome, who is nothing that difficult child or I need anymore. He will flip out over the smallest thing. Any conversation is instantly an "arguement" if I express a different view from him. He started hitting difficult child, I had to put some great effort in getting that to stop, dcyf was called because of difficult child reporting it to school. Now he screams in her face when he loses it. And then I get involved, and we fight all night. And then the next day he comes home from work like nothing ever happened and he is wonderful with difficult child, And I get the "are you going to be miserable all day?". We are going to family therapy and it's not helping. The best he can do is not scream, hold it all inside, give evil looks and be passive aggressive.

I am completely emotionally detached from him at this point. If I let myself feel anything for him at all, it would be hate from the way he has treated my difficult child. I don't want him to touch me or come near me or even talk to me. And I am soooo very lonely and sad. I can't talk to him, and he is almost always here so I can't talk to anyone else. Every second he is at difficult child alone, I worry that he might be screaming at her again. I am so very tired and stressed and unhappy. And I just don't know what to do anymore. And I do somewhere love him. There isn't an us anymore, there isn't any piece of our marriage that is him and I, everything is about the way he is treating difficult child. Every second of everyday is about monitoring the way he is interacting with difficult child.

 

[TerryJ2]

What a great thread. I've read things I never expected to see--or identify with--on both sides of the spectrum.
Thank you.

 

[wakeupcall]

I'm glad, once again, to not feel so alone. Thanks for starting this.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Michelle
Your post has me concerned. Is there a reason you don't leave this guy?

 

[BusynMember]

My first marriage was very unhappy, but lasted seventeen years! This second marriage is happy, in spite of dealing with daughter who used to abuse drugs and autistic son. It's a restful, comforting, peaceful marriage without the chaos of my first one.

 

[nlg319]

I think that marriages have their challenges, when you include raising difficult child's, it becomes way complicated and then, like in my case, add a stepdad to the mix. It is very difficult. I think that I've been duped by marriage and relationships with men in general. I want to meet my soulmate...yes, I do believe he exists. When I see a clear way out, I will go down a different path in my life, but for now, I just compartmentalize my unhappy marriage and focus on my children.

 

[Marguerite]

Michelle, you shouldn't put up with this level of unhappiness. This doesn't mean you have to leave him, but it does mean you should try to change things. Don't try to change him, but the way you all relate to each other. THAT can at least be attempted.

How is HE feeling? From what you say, he sounds frustrated and not in control of his own reactions. How would he react if you said to him, "This isn't working out - do you want to try to work to put things right the way we used to be, or do you just want to call it quits?"

If he's like a lot of blokes, he probably doesn't even realise that you are unhappy. He may need the wake-up call. But if he IS unhappy, you need to be prepared for him to not want to try, and accept that he may walk away. If he DOES just want to walk away given the opportunity then he wouldn't be with you for the long haul anyway, maybe it's better for him to leave sooner rather than later - here is where YOU have to be OK with this possibility before you approach him.

But if he is willing to work at things, the sooner you start the better, for all of you, including difficult child.

I would take the risk and talk to him, choose your moment well and pick a time when he's relaxed and you have uninterrupted time together to talk frankly and calmly. Give him the benefit of the doubt, that he will be prepared to work at improving the family relationships.

There are several possible outcomes from approaching him:

1) He will get angry and storm out, because HE isn't doing anything wrong, it's YOUR lax parenting that has led to a difficult child (in which case, you would never agree and the sooner you know, the sooner you can re-start your life)

2) He will listen, maybe feel he's being got at a bit, be unwilling to try counselling "because it's for wimps" but at least acknowledge that you and he are not on the same page (you have room for continuing negotiation, hope is not completely lost)

3) He will be relieved because he thought you were OK with how he does things but he feels uncomfortable and hates the screaming matches and is prepared to work with whoever and whatever it takes (best outcome)

4) He will readily agree that he isn't coping and use it as an excuse to walk away. Once again, the sooner you know he has feet of clay, the better.

You need to have yourself sorted out so you know how you would cope financially and emotionally if he DOES say he wants to leave, but at least this way you are giving him and your relationship every chance. If you give it all a chance and he still leaves, then it's not your fault, you did the right thing. If this fixes things (or puts the relationship on the gurney, at least, so someone else can help you fix things) then this also is a win situation.

But none of you should have to live with the current pain and emotional abuse. Being trapped because of financial need would complicate the picture, but thinking about it at least will help you make plans to be free of the pain, one way or another. You love this man, there has to be something about him that made you want to commit to him. The middle child thing - you should be able to live with this, if he can get that chip off his shoulder. The world is full of middle children, we all have to find ways to not let things like this rule our lives. We have to rise above it and do well in spite of our upbringing, sometimes. It's not set in concrete - we can change, but it has to be an individual choice. This can be influenced with counselling, but from outside the relationship.

Good luck. Don't forget that he chose to marry you, knowing you have a difficult child. There has to be something in that, too.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Interesting thread.....

I was happily married for a long time. We met in early 1979 and started dating in late 1979. We married in 1984 and were happily married/together for about 20 years. difficult child had nothing to do with the end of our marriage. Life and a midlife crisis on his part did.

I wouldn't wish it never happened. We built a lot together and had many wonderful times - the best of which resulted in our children.

As for the future, I am no where near ready to start dating although I am starting to gather with a 40's single group through a friend who divorced a year ago. Not for dating, but for the social experience of being with others who have lives run in the same path as mine.

So I have been, am not now, and not sure if I will be again.

Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Michelle}}}
I'm sorry the family therapy isn't working. My understanding is that being a step-parent to a difficult child is basically a no-win situation in most cases. He may feel at odds at being ineffective with Abby and acting poorly because of it. It's not excusable for him to hit, scream, or be belligerent with either of you. Is Abby afraid of him? Maybe he needs help knowing how he fits in with you two? No matter what, something needs to change. None of you deserve to live like this. Maybe you should push your therapist to help each of you formulate goals and how to work toward them. It really sounds as though bitterness has taken over your home. :crying:
As for husband & I, I'd have to say we're mostly happy. We've had our rough spots but continued to work at it. He's a great guy with a good heart. We'll be married ten years in October. :smile:

 

[LovingAbbey]

I guess I have stayed with him because I don't want to put Abbey through a divorce without having given my all to make the marriage work. Abbey is afraid of him and he thinks that is a good thing. UGHH!!

I wonder if he is making her worse. I don't really care about how I feel anymore. I'm mainly concerned about Abbey. We go to a nother session with the therapist tomorrow and I am going to call him out on everything he has said. ie the therapist is a quack!

MIchelle

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

(((Michelle)))

May God give you the strength you need to do what you need to do. Prayers and gentle hugs your way.

 

[sameold sameold]

I am very happily married. My husband and I have been married for 24 years. He is the man of my dreams. And having a difficult child has made us stronger. We have both always wanted the same thing. For our son to be happy. We may have been on different pages sometimes, but we always meet in the middle.

 

[TerryJ2]

I wonder if he is making her worse. I don't really care about how I feel anymore. I'm mainly concerned about Abbey. We go to a nother session with the therapist tomorrow and I am going to call him out on everything he has said. ie the therapist is a quack!
Michelle, you made me groan, wince and laugh all at the same time!
Good luck tomorrow.

 

[Hanging-On]

"I wonder if he is making her worse. I don't really care about how I feel anymore. I'm mainly concerned about Abbey."

This is one reason why we don't have their dad in our lives, in addition to the physical abuse, cheating and strong arming I had to deal with. I'd rather be alone, than back in that situation, and honestly I just don't think men are safe any more. If I had stayed with him, then my boys would be learning how to be just as awful. I chose my boys, over my man, because the kids come first. No man is worth it if they damage the children. Something has really happened to the males in our society, and it's not for the good. I now see men like a "male lion". When he enters a new pride of females, the first thing he does he kill all the young cubs sired from other males to make the females have his cubs. Then he makes them work for the food and home, while he sits back and does nothing. Sorry for the negative view, but that's what my life as taught me. This is why I'm very protective of my family now, and go out of my way to not draw any male attention. I've even kept the baby weight, just as an added defense mechanism (although I hate being this size).

 

[susiequte]

I'm still a newlywed. My husband and I met on-line in a chat room for people of our religion. I knew within 48 hours that I was going to marry him. We were engaged only 4 months when we got married. I had NO IDEA how bad "J" was until we got married and he was living with us. My husband and I occasionally disagree, but it's always about "J". We never argue about anything else. But "j" is almost 20 and not living with us at the moment. (He's on the streets). Life was touch and go while he was with us, but much better when he's not here. He has a long struggle ahead of him and my husband is learning to detatch. I know that husband puts me first at all times and "j" and his problems are second.

 

[witzend]

I have a wonderful husband of 21 years, and we have been happy most of them. It's easier to be less stressed now that the difficult child's are gone, but in all honesty, it was and has been difficult since they left. The urgency of dealing with the kids isn't there, and it's very easy to take each other for granted, I think.

I will say that I think that marriage is work for everyone. It's no small task to work with another person towards the same goals for life without losing track of your individuality, and at the same time remembering that you benefit together, if that makes sense.

 

[everywoman]

I believe that "happily ever after" is for fairytales. Marriage is hard work. I don't believe that any person can be happy in a marriage unless they are happy with him/herself. My husband and I have more than our share of struggles in the 20 years we have been married, but getting through them has strengthened each of use separately and our bond with each other. Do I like him all the time? No! But, marriage is a committment and to believe that it will be a honeymoon forever is foolish. Sometimes one person puts more work in than then other. We learn to recognize that the other is not perfect, and learn to "weed our own gardens" instead of looking at their "weeds." We learn self-respect and learn to expect to be treated with respect. We empower ourselves through living through our passions and not expecting someone else to provide the happiness that can come from within ourselves. Once you recognize that, you can live with or without someone and it makes marriage a lot easier to work through!

 

[slsh]

I think I would taken "contently" married over "happily" but it could just be my warped perspective. I was raised in a house where my parents despised each other for 20+ years before their divorce and made no secret of it. I learned from them how to do better, I think. Happiness is in my mind a fleeting thing. Content, to me, is more stable.

I'm occasionally happily married. Majority of the time contently married. Extremely rarely unhappily married.

Marriage is a whole lot more work than I ever imagined. Somehow I got suckered into that whole "happily ever after" ideal. Was a rude awakening when it turned out to be not that easy. Throw in the challenges of our first child passing and the next 2 with significant disabilities... nope, hasn't been an easy road all the time. on the other hand, it is a road we've traveled together, even when at times I'm sure we both were wishing to be anywhere but here LOL. I think for husband and me, being married is a conscious choice we make on a regular basis.