Is she a bully?

[JAW]

I have a 46 Y/O daughter and a 12 Y/O grandson. She lives in another state/city where prejudice is normal and being conservative is the norm.
NOT how I raised her. I am extremely liberal in my beliefs.
On several occassions we have disagreed on things, and that is OK.
One time a cousin wanted to get a hold of her because they were going to Vegas so I gave them her contact number. Not that I would care, but they asked if she knew anyone they could buy pot from. From that, she got so angry AT ME and said I was jeapordizing her job, her custody of her son, blah blah blah. And she said she would not stay with us for an up coming visit.
So recently, I posted on a political FB page just my opinion. Somehow, out of 1.3 million people she saw MY comment and copied and pasted it to her FB page. All her friends, of course, support her and have her political beliefs. I NEVER post on her FB page ANYTHING political. EVER.
I said nothing about this post, either, though I do not understand 1) how she saw it & 2) why would she post this to her page unless she wanted her friends to hate me?
So now, again, she is cancelling her up coming visit but will visit her father a few miles away.

She went onto say we do not get along and I do not call her for months at a time. I told her (as I have before) that I have to walk on egg shells around her. She disapproves of almost everything I do so I don't really share my life with her. Makes conversations short and rather boring. She is angry I don't call, and maybe I should more...but I have no idea what will set her off.

I just feel like maybe she is bullying me and holding our grandson hostage.....and her of course.

Do I define this as bullying? How do I work with this without caving into her? I feel like I should say, "This type of threat needs to be pulled off the table. Be mad at me, disagree with me, but quit threatening me." Which of course is an "or else" scenario....which of course I do not want.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder and, yes they tend to bully and abuse and have lifelong histories of not being able to get along with oth others, especially family. Some parents cut contact because of getting fed up with the irrational anger, cutoffs and abuse. Some borderlines cruelly cut off their parents and withhold grandchildren...because this how people with this personality disorder behave unless they get intensive help and most refuse to accept they have any problems. But they do and so does anyone else who deals with them. They do not do well with compromise or reasoning. It's like they can't.

Your daughter is beyond middle age. You can't change her, but you can finally refuse to let her control your life. I learned never to let anyone have more power over me than I have over myself. I know it is hard to apply that to even a middle age child, and there are consequences because they can't stand for us to stand up for ourselves. I felt it was worth it to finally insist on respect. YOU HAVE to Decide How YOU WANT To Handle this. You have to expect anger and punishment from them, but I liked the self respect I gained. Done walking on eggshells.

If she has always been this way, she will not change, even if you grovel. And, yes, along with her need to totally control probably everyone, she is a middle age bully in my opinion.

Time to put yourself first maybe. You are as important as she is and need to treat yourself with love.

Good luck.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Maybe not a bully, but very rigid in her beliefs. Just a question, but is religion somehow involved in this?

I have family member who belong to a very conservative religious sect and they are encouraged to distance themselves from people who do not think as they do.

 

[A dad]

No not a bully more like a person who is your opposite in many ways but with who you have no choice but to interract with. Both of you need well to tolerate each other. Just respect her views even if she does not yours.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Jaw and welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here.

In most families, there are different political views and most either agree to disagree and discuss it all up and down, or agree that some topics are off limits. In my family I grew up in, I'm the lone D and the rest are Rs, which is fine, and we just don't go there much.

What you are talking about is way beyond differing political views. Like you said, you are being punished for having a different world view. That signals a problem, I don't know what it is or if it's a diagnosis, but it sounds like she is making your differences a litmus test.

I'm sure there is more to your story---there always is---but I've also learned that after we try to talk with people in this situation and work out compromises, and none can be reached after multiple tries, then it's time to do something different. Unless there is a heart change in her, you will have to accept what is going on and the resulting boundaries she is created. It's not fair, and it's sad, and you both are missing out, but you can't reason with and find common ground with someone who isn't willing.

It doesn't matter what it's called, it's not working. I'm sorry. I know it hurts when people we love so much act like this. Please keep sharing here. We care.

 

[Night Owl Mama]

If you are friends on Facebook, she will see when you like or comment on another post. It will say (Your name) commented on this. If she clicks the bold, it will take her directly to your comment. So that is how she was able to find it.

I have a sister who used Facebook to bully me like that. Smiling politely at a family party when someone asked me about a certain parenting choice we had made, them posting a barrage of anti stuff on her Facebook page. It was very passive aggressive in my opinion and after it kept happening, I unfollowed her so I won't see what she posts anymore. Unfollowing just keeps her posts from showing up on my feed. It's not the same as unfriending or blocking. She doesn't know I have done it. Perhaps that might be a way for you to protect yourself a bit from her drama?

I had another family member that I had to actually unfriend after repeated harassment via Facebook but I did set a boundary first with the statement that she respect it or I would unfriend her and she went right ahead and did it again so yep, I did it. We need healthy boundaries in the cyber world too. Don't hesitate to create them for your own well being.