Is this how it usually goes??

[BusynMember]

I am talking to the forum, not to you in particular. And to myself. in my opinion you are too sensitive...take it easy or this forum may distress you. We often post to everybody. And, of c8ourse, we all take what we need and leave the rest.

Long before you came to this forum I have been very outspoken about helping our addicted children drive for any reason. If one person only stops helping an addict drive, to me it is worth it. This is the only aspect of enabling that I can not understand nor ever support. It is not about anyone in particular, but the behavior in general. It is enabling potential tragedy.

 

[pasajes4]

I believe SWOt was refering to something that the op had said in a prior reply.

 

[seek]

Ok . . .I misunderstood - I thought you had already made your case and your response came right after mine.

Anyway . . . just FYI, because it's kind of a big deal and others might be dealing with it - telling an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) that they are "too sensitive" is a put-down . . . and I am not taking it personally. It's fine if you judge me that way - you don't know me . . . there are many "Highly Sensitive People" (and empaths) and lots of alcoholics and addicts fit this description and it can be the reason they use . . . so if anyone wants to inform themselves about the subject, it could be useful . . . and if not, ". . . take what you like" too. Thanks

 

[BusynMember]

Im a HSP plus. I know what it is.

What i meant is that you assumed I was addressing you and I was not. How about this? For my own reasons, I will never address your posts again so you never have to think my posts are ever about yours. Perhaps it is best if you skip my posts too, but of course that is up to you. Good luck!

Done.

 

[seek]

I asked you who you were referring to.

Anyway, have a nice evening!

 

[pigless in VA]

ksm, I think you it was great that you left. Sometimes the most powerful message is when we choose not to be there. I hate to stick up for difficult child, but I think I would allow her to smoke cigarettes over using meth. All the people I know who smoke have told me that it is extremely difficult to get off cigarettes. If she is clean from meth that is more important that the cigarette issue. Just a thought.

 

[ksm]

Pigless, I agree with your statement about not making a huge deal about smoking. I hate it, it's not allowed in our home or on our property. I won't give her an allowance as it would be spent on cigs, and possibly on drugs, IF she doesn't stay clean.

As to driving, I am still open to it as a reward. That is, if she stays clean, does well in school, and has an attitude change. She will be in intensive outpatient rehab and be tested weekly by them. She can also be tested by the family preservation workers and her court services officer. In the past, I have called them up if I thought she should be tested. I also have test kits here at home.

By driving, I don't mean she has freedom to decide when and where she will drive. It will be restricted to school or work, not to see friends or go to the mall, etc.

I respect your opinions. I would not consider it if she is using.

Ksm

 

[pasajes4]

I hope that she comes home and wants to live a good life. It is so upsetting when our kids blame us for their horrible choices. You gave her a home, supported her, and loved her. You did not have to do any of that for her.

 

[RN0441]

KSM

Just caught up on your post. I never am on here on the weekends.

I agree your granddaughter has been through a lot, BUT that does not have anything to do with the rules you set in place when she comes home.

She has it so much better than so many. She has grandparents that love and adore her and will do anything to help her be successful. All of her needs are being met and will continue to be met. That isn't so bad is it?

I wish we had not worried about making our son mad and about trying to reward him for the littlest things. We saw that as encouragement but in reality giving them freedom is not really the best type of reward initially - i.e. car etc. I think it is normal in some ways, because you see them struggle and feel they are trying so you want to reward them to encourage good behavior. But I think the reward is better for now if it is verbal as in we are proud of you, we know how hard this is, we love you etc. To be encouraging and for her to know that you have her back should be enough for a while.

She should be trying to prove to you that she is doing better and wants to put into place what has been learned in rehab. This all takes time. It's not a quick fix. The seed has been planted but it may not "take" for a while. As you know we have been waiting six years and thus far have very tiny, delicate roots.

It's just a thought of another way to look at things. Don't worry right now about how you are going to reward her. Sit back and see what she does. Do not let her control the situation. If you do, it will not end well for any of you.

This is tough stuff and there is no perfect answer. Stay strong and take care of yourself and hubby too.

 

[AppleCori]

RNO,

My hubby did the reward/bribe thing, too, when we were dealing with his oldest son, and it didn't work.

For him, nothing his dad could have done would have worked, anyway, since the boy was determined to do what he wanted.

Dad spent a lot of time trying not to upset him/rock the boat, so to speak. It got to ridiculous levels, embarrassing levels, that we would not repeat ever again.

I think it only made him feel more entitled and probably made things worse, in the long run.

KSM,

I wouldn't entertain the thought of any new clothing, as long as she has an adequate amount already. And definitely nothing name-brand or expensive.

 

[Littleboylost]

KSM

I agree with all of the advice given to you and just wanted to add a hug today.

 

[Sam3]

I found this book helpful. It basically helped me understand that a rocky road is to be expected and to keep a more adult composure when he was using old tactics. Residential is kinda traumatic I think (how it can be any more so than their outrageous behavior, I don't know). But it can provide permanent tools even if they don't always use them. I didn't want to undo the gains with my own fear.

The Road Home: A Guide for Parents with Teens or Young Adults Returning from Treatment

 

[Sam3]

Also now that I'm looking at the collection of books I had hoped never to have to look at again, I found this one written by the founder of a Therapeutic Boarding School or maybe a wilderness program, to have such compelling insights

An Unchanged Mind: The Problem of Immaturity in Adolescence
4.9 out of 5 stars

Author McKinnon

 

[ksm]

I found this book helpful. It basically helped me understand that a rocky road is to be expected and to keep a more adult composure when he was using old tactics. Residential is kinda traumatic I think (how it can be any more so than their outrageous behavior, I don't know). But it can provide permanent tools even if they don't always use them. I didn't want to undo the gains with my own fear.

The Road Home: A Guide for Parents with Teens or Young Adults Returning from Treatment

Thank you, I will google it and see if I can find online. This is hard...