It is what it is..

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Gee, I remember myself living in the "Denial Bubble"...it was safe, secure..but it eventually pops...

I pray for your son....wish we could just bop on the head and shake some sense in them.....

You don't have to like him. Addicts aren't the easiest people in the world to like. We're insufferable, and poisonous. Only a fool would like getting caught in that storm. You do love, and support him. That is what is important. Your love is unconditional, but your favor and trust should be earned.

 

[mof]

Hello,

Thank you for asking after me.

Well...he back. We had a nice birthday dinner...I was guarded, but really no reason except own.

Sister: the main reason our son is home we felt it is the right thing...we could no longer afford a sober living home who gives no support...we felt therapy and a doctor to monitor things are things he needs. There are others..

So...we talked a lot...here's a statement...I know I'm messed up cause I'm 20 and had to move home with my parents, I can't take care of myself.....there it was.

We talked a bit about goals...but didn't get into anything heavy...trying to go slow. He has a list of things to complete today...he definitely does not have Tim ed management skills.

He mentioned an online group he talks to and supports others...I inwardly Laughed.

I am cautious...there was a tender moment where he helped one of his brothers with his geometry homework...I was shocked he knew it! Maybe there are. brain cells left after all.

I'm trying not to be a nagging, controlling, not to do things he can handle himself.

His counselor said under no terms should he ever tell us about his past...seriously scary and dark. Amazing...in months.

He is not the child I once raised...nor the man I imagined...it is what it is.

I'm trying...he is...we all are. His wish when he blew out his candle is he hopes he doesn't miss his parents off too much....gee, I love you too! Lol

I pray God keeps speaking to us through others!

I'm sure I will be posting regularly! Ugh

 

[RN0441]

Mof

Stay optimistic. Hopefully he really does want to make the big change.

Past not to be shared/scary? EEK Hate everything about that. UGH.

Baby steps.

Hugs and prayers.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Well like recovery says, it's "one day at a time." I think we really have to learn to let go of the outcome and just get through today, then tomorrow, and so on.

The past things may not be so scary or awful, but may just fall under the heading of "not relevant." Really what is the point of telling you things that happened that will only upset you but not change anything in the long run. By burdening you with these things it may ease his mind, but trouble yours. Some things will just need to be his cross to bear, so to speak.

 

[Albatross]

I think it sounds like good first steps, mof. It was sweet of him to help his little brother. The comment about his past was shaded in a way that sounded a little ominous. I agree with what SK said -- not necessarily scary, just not helpful to share.

 

[RN0441]

I really meant that about MY own son. I know he has done things that I don't want to know about and that I would not even believe.

I think it's better not to know. Agree.

 

[mof]

I agree too..the comment was made by his counselor.

Ugh....I already know too much

 

[RN0441]

I always think, well at least he didn't kill anybody.

Pretty bad when that is consoling.

 

[mof]

Ugh..and I think..well, he dealt, he may have contributed to someone's death..Ugh

On a brighter note...I rediscovered the punching bag at the gym....it is awesome being able to hit things...I favor the sledge hammer on the tire too....don't underestimate the therapy! Lol

 

[jetsam]

lol the punching bag sounds great! I could use that. i used to take martial arts for a long time that really helped with stress release and took my mind somewhere else which was good for me. Had to stop when I developed psoriatic arthritis got i miss it lol

 

[Sister's Keeper]

I meant the thing about not sharing the past as more of a comforting thing, really.

We know they are drug addicts, we know they have, very likely, done things of which we would not approve, but not all of these things may, necessarily be "scary" things, maybe just things of which we don't approve.

I kind of look at it like this. A husband has an affair and the wife finds out about it. It is enough pain to know about the affair, she doesn't need all the minute details of the affair piled on to increase the hurt.

It's kind of the same with our addicts. We know they have used, stolen, been homeless. We don't need all the little details of what they have done to survive. It doesn't change or help the situation any.

Those details and the shame of those details are things to share in AA/NA with people who won't be hurt or horrified by it. It's not for your mom to hear so she can continue to blame herself or wonder where she went wrong.

Not that I think mothers are to blame or went wrong anywhere, but I think that it is a natural, although misguided, response when our kids screw up.

 

[RN0441]

OR you could be like my brother's wife who had an affair with her highschool boyfriend for 2 years during their 28 year marriage. He is/was also married with five kids. They ran into each other at a hardware store and sparks flew.

They were finally exposed and she proceeded to tell my brother ALL the details (because I got them secondhand from him) as to the who, where and what was done. Blechhh. Let me add that they live in a very small town in Southern Illinois and my poor brother had to see all the places the couple "frequented" on his way to the work and even the grocery store. My brother got so skinny I thought he was going to disappear.

They moved to another town and are still together (this was about 10 years ago) but he's had to live with the details of that (and so have I). Of course when I see her I act like I don't know. To each his own!

Oh and she was a Sunday school teacher at the time this happened.

 

[mof]

Trust me when I say...Christians have the WORST reputations...and many of them ha e earned it..

How awful RN...I understand...our own vivid imaginations s are enough of a burden. Spent day shuffling man child around...has a lead on a job we return application to in am...they drug test....perfect.

I'm emotionally exhausted....and really want a glass of wine.sigh....

 

[ColleenB]

I hear your pain, all our pain. But I also see some sliver of hope in your post... The glimpse of helpfulness with his brother, his admission that he isn't where he should be in terms of taking care of himself. I think those are signs to hold onto some hope, and know you are moving ahead ... Even if it feels oh so slow.

I saw my so tonight, I saw his new appartment, and I wish i hadn't. It's filthy and he lives in such a terrible area, there were drug addicts in the downstairs appointment. ( and the upstairs if he is an addict...)

He seemed ok, saying he isn't drinking and is "only smoking some weed" ugh....

He still plans on school... I'm not paying so I'm trying to be somewhat supportive.

This is hard work.

 

[jetsam]

i agree being supportive IS hard work. son is looking for job AGAIN. I get so tired of feigning support and excitement at each attempt at jobs. oh he gets them alright He just doesn't keep them! Something always goes wrong...you know the deal.. they won't give me full time , they re messing with my pay, the owner is this, the chef is that, bla bla ba! its always someone else fault why he quit or gets let go. I find it so hard to not be cynical when i speak to him anymore , so i don't talk to him much at all.

 

[mof]

I feel all your points. Our son tried a new mtg out last night and liked the group, so that one is twice a week...said he met a man that if he sees him again he would consider his sponsor. Until it happens..

More job hunting today..and we see his new psychiatrist. He says he's dealing with cravings.....He does talk about this transition. His emotions though...can be up and down.

Dentist yesterday ...thank god we have insurance...Ugh

Colleen..I'm so sorry...He has to at some point want better...He doesn't have transportation..my son also lived in a trap house...He says he never wants to go back to that...time is the only thing at this point that can speak truth.

We move a a snails pace...it's excruciating slow....before you know it you grasp the words he speaks of hope..then you remember, your listening to a master manipulator.

Jetsam...I feel you...it's never what they did!!!!

I will keep the faith for all of us....for today...I'm the one moving slow at this point...need more coffee.

 

[mof]

I haven't updated..but I will make this short.

Our son is home...following rules, found a full time job, and is getting the help he needs. We are cautious.

We are working on us..mainly me. I am still resentful, maybe because of his honesty..it is hard to hear of his past. He is trying to work towards a future. His new medications are very good for him..feels much better.

Still feel we made the right decision....but are trying to live this new "normal".

It is one day at a time...it still is what it is..

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds very positive, mof.

Be good to yourself and give your mind time to recover.

 

[in a daze]

shuffling man child around.

"Man child"....I like that!

Because that's what they are, kids in a grown up's body.

 

[Albatross]

We are working on us..mainly me. I am still resentful, maybe because of his honesty..it is hard to hear of his past. He is trying to work towards a future. His new medications are very good for him..feels much better.

This is terrific, mof. I think honesty, though hard to hear now, is the best way to go. I think there really is something about that "rigorous honesty" they speak of in AA and NA. He is brave to bring all that out into the light of day, I think. Those secrets stay in dark places and fester, but they don't hold much power when they are brought out into the light. I agree with SWOT. Give yourself time to adjust.

"Man child"....I like that!

Because that's what they are, kids in a grown up's body.

Wait...my husband is a man-child too...