It's A New Week, Mikey...How's It Going?

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you can't report him and can't kick him out, get him into rehab NOW. He can kick and scream and it may do no good but at least then wife knows you two have tried everything possible.</div></div>

I think that's wife's plan. I don't think it will work, since many of McWeedy's text messages were to a few folks who are currently in IOP, on probation, or just out of rehab. Topic? Why, to go hit the bong, of course.

But you may be right. If wife can get McWeedy into rehab, it may be more for her benefit than his. Thanks for pointing this out.

Mikey

 

[meowbunny]

That's the point -- neither of you should say boo without consulting the other one first. (Boy, am I glad I'm a single parent and can make all decisions and mistakes on my own!)

Quit talking to McWeedy! I mean really quit. Good morning, bye, good night, please, thank you, you're welcome. Nothing more. Be civil but give up the talks and lectures. You know he's using, why bother confronting him and giving him a chance to deny and try to con you? Save your energy.

Talk to wife. You two find a page you both can live with. wife has mentioned rehab. So, maybe that is your only option at this time. You have two months to do anything. Most rehab beds are full so find out what's available NOW.

Taking all the blame is ridiculous. There is no innocent party between you, wife and McWeedy. You can beat yourself up but it will help no one. It is time to give up the past, change what you can and find some real, constructives things that can be done now.

Obviously, you can't just sit back and wait for him to self-destruct or let wife take over. It's just not in you, plus wife will take over until the next mini-crisis and then ask you to take over and then stop you from doing what you think is right.

Things you and wife are going to have to do from now on stink. You cannot have wallets and keys laying around. They will have to be on your body at all times (I used to sleep with a fanny pack and my kid wasn't even into drugs). Valuables, especially anything pawnable, need to be put in safe deposit boxes. If jewelry isn't being worn, lock it up! Change your locks and don't give McWeedy a key. He can come and go at the convenience of everyone else.

Mikey, you really do have to the things I said above and you have to get wife to understand they have to be done. I've seen what druggies do to their families. Sooner or later, the money runs out, the job is lost, more drugs are used than are being dealt. Stealing cars, credit cards, jewelry, antiques, guns -- whatever they could -- from family, friends, neighbors. It really bites when you wait too long because they haven't happened yet. If for no other reason, do it to protect McWeedy from himself. The less access he has to funds, the less he can use.

 

[Kjs]

Mikey. Truth can be scary. He could O.D. He could get shot in a bad drug deal. He could get a batch of bad drugs and someone else could die and he could be charged with homicide. (happened here)
That is the worst case senario. If you turned him in, could they trace the numbers? Would they consider a lighter sentence for the information?
Turning him in, could be saving his life. Your whole family can be in danger if he is dealing.

As bad as I would feel, the consequences I would have to face myself. i would have to do what I could before it is all hindsight. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must be tearing you up. For Mcweedy's safety, and that of your family I would have to put that first.

 

[Mikey]

MB, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Quit talking to McWeedy! I mean really quit. Good morning, bye, good night, please, thank you, you're welcome. Nothing more. Be civil but give up the talks and lectures. You know he's using, why bother confronting him and giving him a chance to deny and try to con you? Save your energy.</div></div>

You may not believe it, but I'm already there. Was there before the failed excursion to Orlando, made one last-ditch effort while there (got ditched in the process), and went back to the minimal conversations. I agree - what was the point? I knew before Orlando that things were getting worse, and that if his lips were moving then he was lying. After two weeks of that, and after being left alone with McWeedy and Sarge while wife and Dancer were gone, I decided to try one more time. No lectures, no threats, just get away and see if we could reconnect.

We couldn't reconnect. There's nothing there to connect with. So now I'm back to minimal communications, and the assumption with McWeedy is guilty until proven innocent, and he's lying unless proven otherwise. It stinks, and drives wife crazy, but at least I can lay the blame for that attitude squarely on McWeedy's shoulders - not mine.

Trying to talk to wife as well, but at the same time I'm not shielding her any more from the realities of McWeedy's life. I should never have done that in the first place. She's just now starting to grasp the full extent of McWeedy's troubles, and is just now starting to go through the assimilation process of how she feels, what to believe, and what to do. For that, I do take the blame.

But you're also right, the most important thing is to try and move forward from here. Hopefully, this "family session" tonight with wife and McWeedy will be a start. If not, I don't know where we'll go.

Mikey

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Kjs</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Mikey. Truth can be scary. He could O.D. He could get shot in a bad drug deal. He could get a batch of bad drugs and someone else could die and he could be charged with homicide. (happened here).....

Turning him in, could be saving his life. Your whole family can be in danger if he is dealing.</div></div>

Believe me, I brought that up. The lawyer yesterday brought that up. When confronting McWeedy with the latest batch of crud he's dumped in our laps, he gave me the same old story of "it's my life, if I suffer from my bad choices why do you care?" (or some such nonsense, I don't remember the exact quote).

I replied that he must think he's the only rock in the world that can be dropped in a pond and make absolutely no ripples. That in fact, whether or not he liked it, everything he does affects us, and could affect us very badly. Didn't sink in on McWeedy, but it was said. And it's the truth. Never thought of the potential homicide issue, though. I'll have to bring that up when next we talk.

Thanks,
Mike

 

[jbrain]

Mikey,
I am so sorry about how bad things have gotten and I hate to see you taking all the blame. You know what? I am really angry at your wife about now, wish you could muster up some anger too. This is not all your fault--you and wife had blinders on for a long time and now the blinders are off for you but hers are still on. Yes, you have made mistakes in handling this situation--all of us have, we never signed up for this and we have to learn as we go.

I think maybe the problem is you rushed in to fix things (like a good husband will want to do) but she didn't like any of the solutions once she got over being so angry about what McWeedy did. Now she is mad at you instead--you took her at her word that she wanted him out but she only said that in a fit of anger. I think your wife expects you to read her mind and know what she wants from minute to minute--she shouldn't have to actually tell you!

So, I have no advice really, but want to offer support and to say that I think it is good you can come here to "blog" if that is helpful.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[KFld]

Mr. McWeedy certainly is succeeding at splitting you and wife in different directions. He is the master manipulator. My husband and I were headed that way and thank god agreed to see someone together who was wonderful, and we were able to get together. We were actually talking divorce at one point because he was creating such havoc.

I think maybe Mr. McWeedy's needs need to be put on the back burner for a short time and you need to really sit down and talk to your wife and let her know that you don't want this to split you up and that you really think you need to go talk to someone together. Nothing is going to be resolved with your son until you and your wife can come into agreement on what needs to be done.

Does she come to this site? Would she listen or talk to us???

I would hate to see you two split up over this and your son to keep falling deeper and deeper into this blackhole because you couldn't come to an agreement on what needs to be done.

Try telling her you are afraid your son is killing himself and you can't live with that and you want to try and figure out together how to stop this from happening.

 

[meowbunny]

Mikey, here I go again, sorry. QUIT TALKING TO McWEEDY!!!!

You say you have and, in the same breath, bring up mentioning the same old crud and his response. You prove he's lying by mentioning his text messages. Sorry, but you're talking! It is hard to not talk. Believe me, I know. It took me three years of hard practice to get to the point I could tell my daughter, "No discussion, just do it." and mean it.

Talk in therapy, but not to McWeedy (unless the facilitator insists). Talk to the therapist. Talk to your wife. Talk to Sarge. Talk to Dancer. Talk to your co-workers, the man walking his dog down the street, the street lamp, the stop sign, your car, the radio .... Talk to whatever and whomever but QUIT TALKING TO McWEEDY!

 

[busywend]

Your son's life is on the line. You and wife should agree that your only mission and goal is to get difficult child inpatient rehab. At the very least it will relieve some stress in the house.

That is the only thing you need to agree on. Inpatient is the goal. Now, how to get there. Both of you can go off on your own to figure out several methods - as long as the goal is inpatient rehab.

HIS LIFE IS ON THE LINE. Wouldn't you get him chemotherapy if he had cancer?

 

[Mikey]

Sorry MB. You're right. But that conversation happened yesterday, right after I was summoned home to deal with the latest McWeedy dungbomb. Since then, I haven't said five words to him, other than what's necessary. I guess there will be words tonight, though, at the "family session".

Gee, I wish I knew what that meant. I'm hoping it's going to be some kind of mediation. But I get the feeling that we're going to be "taught how to communicate effectively with our kid". Sure hope I'm wrong - there are immediate issues that have to be addressed, regardless of any long-term stuff. If some things don't get addressed, there won't be any long-term to worry about. No sense in discussing elective surgery when cancer is eating away your lungs....

Mikey

 

[Genny]

Okay, I'm going to give my two cents here.

First of all, you can't force him into rehab. It's voluntary, and he can sign himself out. If he doesn't want to go to rehab, it's a waste of time and money. At his age - and I speak from experience - you cannot [/b]make[/b] him do anything! Ready or not, he's responsible for the consequences of his own actions. Detach.

Secondly, one thing my wise mother in law drilled into our heads through the years of difficult child hell was this: one day your children will be grown and gone and all you'll have left is each other (you and wife). Your marriage should be your #1 priority...don't lose sight of the big picture, and do NOT let McWeedy divide and conquer.

My husband and I went to a counselor for several years - specifically to talk about difficult child and how we should/would handle things. It was a tremendous help. difficult child didn't even know about it.

Just my random thoughts after reading the thread.
Best of luck, Mikey!!

Genny

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Mikey,

You are a recovering alcoholic. You have not attended a meeting or gotten a sponsor since your move. You are on a dry drunk.

Why should McWeedy get help when you aren't? And you are the responsible grown up!

 

[Mikey]

Thanks, Genny. I discovered that bit about rehab months ago. There's not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in a 4 state area that will take him against his will at his age.

I think the "forcing" others are discussing is giving McWeedy the option to go, stay, and complete a program, or face much worse consequences. Personally, I don't think it will work because he doesn't think there's anything wrong. But if it's that, or jail, or living out of dumpsters, he just may go.

Will he get anything out of it? Maybe, but probably not. But wife will, if for no other reason than it is the last thing we/she an do to "coerce" a change in McWeedy. I think it's a fruitless endeavor, but I think wife will have to see McWeedy fail after forced inpatient before she can move on.

I understand that position. For a long time, I too believed that there was nothing worse than "kicking your kid to the curb". Since then, specifically since Orlando, I've accepted that the person inhabiting my sons body is no longer the person I knew as my son. And that I'm not "kicking him to the curb", but allowing him to reap the rewards of his own actions. wife isn't there yet, so I may have to go along until she gets to the same point.

And even though I think it's doomed to fail, I would go along with it for exactly the reason you state - to preserve my relationship with my wife. I erred when I tried to deal with McWeedy on my own for nearly 8 months. When he finally spun so far out of control that I could no longer contain his damage to just me, she was suddenly drawn in to a situation she wasn't prepared for. My mistake, and it hurt both wife and McWeedy. Had I been honest with her from the start, if we had presented a united front from the start, who knows where we'd be now?

But that didn't happen, and we are where we are. So now, wife is starting 8 months behind me on the path. I'm nowhere near where I need to be, but she's even further back. If I have to slow down and wait for her - even if it means letting my near-adult child sink while I wait, then I'll have to do it. I'd prefer to move forward on both fronts, but thanks to McWeedy's manipulation and my own negligence, it may come to a "him or her" choice. I dread that moment, but know the outcome if forced to choose.

McWeedy will have his own life one day, apart from us. But my wife is my life; that's where I need to focus, regardless of the cost. And we still have a beautiful, minor daughter living with us who deserves much better than she's gotten from us because of McButthead's acting out. If I could get wife to go to counseling with me, I'd go. I've tried. But like McWeedy, she doesn't think there's anything wrong other than the fact that her son is acting out and her husband is a lunatic.

I think this is one time where the best choice is to drift with the tide for a bit and see what happens - at least with wife. As for McWeedy, that depends on how things go with her over the next few days.

Thanks so much for your kind post. I really appreciate it.
Mikey

 

[DDD]

I don't mean to be melodramatic but have you read the post from
tpcmom whose easy child was shot to death while with her difficult child. This s.a.
stuff is NOT child's play. It is important that both parents
force themselves to see the multi-faceted trickle down results that come from difficult child choices.

It is my opinion that the substance abuse begins as a teen bonding thing with no idea of where the path may lead. Sady, it
compounds the longer the use continues and before the difficult child even
recognizes it strangers are involved, either buying or selling.
The strangers are just that...the difficult child is no longer just hanging
out with a few buddies...bad dudes have entered the picture. Ants
Mom, Janet, has had violent strangers at her door. (She by the
way grew up as the daughter of a Judge, not in a ghetto either.)
We had two "strangers" break out the glass of our garage side
entry door in BROAD DAYLIGHT. Fortunately no one was home at the
time. (Oh yeah, I grew up attending debutante parties and never
even saw ghetto people.)

Horrible, permanent, things can happen. I pray they don't for any of the CD family...or other families. DDD

PS: My Dad made a point of reaching out to fellow AA members
when family stress escalated. Many of his friends fell off the
wagon because they trusted "they" could handle it alone.

 

[Mikey]

When it rains, it pours....

Just got a call from wife about Sarge. Evidently he's in China, had to go to a doctor. They gave him some kind of medications (who knows what), and he started having convulsions. Now they want to move him to a hospital in "Red China" 400 miles away. We don't know where he is, where they want to move him, or what medications they gave him.

wife was able to talk to him for a minute. He didn't make it sound as bad, but he said he was having whole body spasms. Could be a reaction to the drugs, but we can't get back in touch with anyone, so we're waiting for a call back.

Sheesh, is my karma really that bad? Needless to say, we won't be having our "family session" with McWeedy's docs tonight.

Mikey

 

[DDD]

I'll add Sarge to my prayers. It must be frightening having so
much space between you and a child in need. Really, I wonder why
so many of us were eager to reproduce! Hugs. DDD

 

[hearthope]

I am sorry about Sarge.

I am also sorry about wife.

Mikey if you don't listen to anything else that is said on this board, I hope this sinks in.

Your son is 17 ~ YOU are responsible for his actions.

The juvie system is crowded EVERYWHERE. You need to file a CHINS (children in need of supervision)

1 ~ if you are taken to court for damages he has caused, at least you sought help and it will show

2 ~ it will give him a probation officer to answer to, not you, not wife, but a court officer.

Mikey you can only do this NOW, after he is 18 he will be considered an adult.


You have allowed your son to rule your house. What is going on now is proof of that.

MOST all of us have been there. If polled I bet many of us have looked a divorce in the eye.

This is what happens when an addict runs amuck in a family, the family is destroyed and the addict moves on to destroy something else.

My strength came from my easy child, she deserved a safe and loving home.

Pull your bootstraps up and take a look at wife and easy child and take your family back.

Your son is an addict, he cannot stop or change his ways until he WANTS to. You can not change that you can only change your reactions to him.

I know you have read many harsh sounding posts. It is very frustrating for everyone to keep telling you something over and over and you make excuses for it all.

I am sorry for Sarge, but him being in China there is nothing any of you could do about that tonight. Your marriage and your son's life was resting on the family session tonight ~ I believe I would have kept my appointment.

You have got to see this for what it is.

If you think he is not bringing stuff in your house, you are mistaken. He doesn't care!!!

Your easy child is there, doesn't she deserve better?

My difficult child and easy child were as close as siblings could be, when he was high, he didn't care if his sister saw what he had.

An addict ONLY cares about getting high. not what or who he is hurting.

He is not hearing anything you are saying ~ he has it good and he just puts up with your mouth till the next trip

 

[everywoman]

Mikey, I don't respond much because I understand your need to blog and vent and I also understand the situation you are in---we've all been there before we got to where we are now---in the land of Detachment.

I do, however, want to reiterate the danger your family and difficult child will be in as long as he dabbles in the art of addiction.
Last October my difficult child met up with some guys with baseball bats and a knife. The sight of him sitting in that hosptial bed is one I'll never forget. He ended up with permanent injuries because of his choices. I ended up with threats against me because of his choices.

Even that didn't make him quit drugs---he has relasped twice since then. But, he doesn't drive a car with my name attached (actually he doesn't drive at all for the next 80 days because of a MIP charge). He is now a convicted felon at the ripe old age of 19 and can't find a job anywhere. He is stuck in a limbo---can't go back and change and can't go forward because his options are limited. He has done this to himself. But, he knows that it is his life.

I tried to control him---I did the same things you and wife are doing---I called, I begged, I pleaded. I sent him to rehab. I sent him to pysch hospitals. He had the best therapy money can buy. Nothing mattered but the drugs.

The only thing that has done anything to change him is his little stint in county for 23 days (he would have stayed longer but husband's father died and I couldn't do that to husband!). He has done more changing since April than he did in the five years of medications, therapy, and my trying to "save" him.

Sometimes you just have to let go and let God!

 

[gottaloveem]

Mikey,
Sorry your other son fell ill in CHINA! I can't imagine how you must feel. Hopefully an english speaking doctor will phone and let you know what is going on. I hope he gets well soon.


As far as McWeedy, count me in as one of the people who highly suspected a much bigger drug involvement than he was admitting to.
I'm sorry, I know how devastating this is for you and your wife and other children. My husband and I were at each others throats in dealing with Alex for a long time. I was like your wife for a long while. I was trying to fix and change him. My husband was practicing tough love much before I was.It was hard for me, but I read here and posted and all of the warrior moms helped me toughen up.

We thought Alex had bad behavior, we didn't realize it was being fueled by his addiction to heroin. He admitted to using for 6-9 months, we suspect longer, (when we look at his downward spiraling behavior.)

As you may know, Alex died of an overdose.(the heroin he took was mixed with deadly fentanyl) My husband found him at 3:15 am slumped over his computer)

McWeedy has crossed a very serious line doing harder drugs. Usually what they will admit to is only the tip of the iceberg.

Will your wife come here and read these posts? I know there isn't a lot you can do to change his behavior. I would be more than happy to talk to your wife. I am hardly an expert, but I did live with and lose, a drug abusing teen and if I can help her detach, I will gladly do so. Just PM me and I will give you my number.

HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE! He wont change until things get very bad for him.

Oh and I agree with locking up everything valuable. All game systems for your TV are a target, also, DVD'S.

Do nothing else for your son, eventually your wife will get sick of being walked on and will probably join your side.

And if you have time and your brain isn't fried from having one son who is ill in the hospital, and one drug abusing son. Read this article. It is about heroin abuse:

http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/99999999/news05/70621038/

By the way, did you know you now can snort heroin or smoke it, also, it is only $8 to get a hit?

So sorry things are bad.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

In addition to snorting and smoking, there is mainlining it (as well as coke and meth) which brings a whole other danger if needles are being shared. Like, hepatitis or AIDS.