Since I've been here. Between me learning how to detach and stop trying to be a helicopter mom to a 31-year-old bipolar meth addict and the fact that my son has, up until recently, been doing well with work and recovery, things have been pretty smooth sailing. He's been in a relationship with someone who seems to be a really good guy who truly cares about my son and has done more for him probably any other relationship he's ever been in. Oh I forgot to mention that he went back to Chicago in March, shortly after his birthday.
But I'm starting to see red flags when we talk. Up until the last couple of weeks he calls me several times a day, nearly every day, almost to the point of being annoying. But one thing I've learned is that I'm not a bad mother if I don't drop what I'm doing to answer the phone whenever he calls. If I'm in the middle of something where I can't stop right then I call him back as soon as I finish what I'm doing or get to a stopping point. But now the calls are fewer and farther between and the last few days when I call him I get "I can't talk right now, I'll call you back" and then doesn't. I haven't really talked to him in two or three days.
He's had what appeared to be a really good work-from-home job in a call center for a local credit union. I think he started in August or September. It's typical of him to start losing interest in whatever his current job is after 2 - 3 months, and this one seems to be no exception. He's started taking anywhere from a half day to 2 or 3 days PTO a week (not sure how he's accrued that much PTO in just a couple of months) He also said that he's been making mistakes more frequently but hasn't gotten any feedback on that from his supervisor. So I feel like his job may be in jeopardy but if it is, he's not sharing that with me.
He told me his doctor put him on some different anti-anxiety medications, and I'm not certain about that either. But I know when we talk on the phone he sounds like he's completely stoned, his words are slurred and he sounds like an old phonograph record played at an extremely slow speed. I questioned if he had relapsed on the meth or heroin and he got defensive. But like I told my husband, if I asked him if he was relapsing and he wasn't, he would feel insulted and get defensive. If he WAS relapsing he would ACT insulted and offensive, although would probably later admit that I was right. Anyway, I asked him once a couple of weeks ago, he said no, and I never mentioned it again even though my intuition tells me he probably is.
He's also mentioned issues in his relationship but as far as I know hasn't moved on or ended it as of yet. He never sent me his partner's phone number so if my son is in the process of going dark like he did the first time he was in Chicago I still have no one to reach out to. I do have his NA sponsor's phone number so at least there's that.
And my son tends to have "holiday meltdown" even when he was a kid. Back then it was temper tantrums and angry defiant outbursts, but as an adult it's drugs and god knows what else. So I think Christmas being around the corner could have a lot to do with what's going on as well.
But after all that, the good news for me is that I can't waste my time speculating about what might or might not be going on in my son's life. If he's doing stupid things and making stupid choices again, either he will tell me when he feels like it or I'll get "that call that no parent ever wants to get." But in the meantime, although I am concerned about him, "no news is good news." and I just have to maintain my distance and live my own life. So yeah, I think I have come a long way. Basically I can't let myself get too happy and proud when he does good because it won't last. But I also can't let myself get devastated when he's not doing well, because that won't last either (although it does seem like the bad lasts much longer than the good. Maybe because doing good requires more hard work than doing bad? And my son seems to have an aversion to hard work on an ongoing basis!)
Anyway I hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be hoped under your individual circumstances. I'm going to try and catch up on what's going on with you all, especially the ones I've interacted with in the past. Thanks for listening to another long drawn out chapter in the saga of my son's life story!
But I'm starting to see red flags when we talk. Up until the last couple of weeks he calls me several times a day, nearly every day, almost to the point of being annoying. But one thing I've learned is that I'm not a bad mother if I don't drop what I'm doing to answer the phone whenever he calls. If I'm in the middle of something where I can't stop right then I call him back as soon as I finish what I'm doing or get to a stopping point. But now the calls are fewer and farther between and the last few days when I call him I get "I can't talk right now, I'll call you back" and then doesn't. I haven't really talked to him in two or three days.
He's had what appeared to be a really good work-from-home job in a call center for a local credit union. I think he started in August or September. It's typical of him to start losing interest in whatever his current job is after 2 - 3 months, and this one seems to be no exception. He's started taking anywhere from a half day to 2 or 3 days PTO a week (not sure how he's accrued that much PTO in just a couple of months) He also said that he's been making mistakes more frequently but hasn't gotten any feedback on that from his supervisor. So I feel like his job may be in jeopardy but if it is, he's not sharing that with me.
He told me his doctor put him on some different anti-anxiety medications, and I'm not certain about that either. But I know when we talk on the phone he sounds like he's completely stoned, his words are slurred and he sounds like an old phonograph record played at an extremely slow speed. I questioned if he had relapsed on the meth or heroin and he got defensive. But like I told my husband, if I asked him if he was relapsing and he wasn't, he would feel insulted and get defensive. If he WAS relapsing he would ACT insulted and offensive, although would probably later admit that I was right. Anyway, I asked him once a couple of weeks ago, he said no, and I never mentioned it again even though my intuition tells me he probably is.
He's also mentioned issues in his relationship but as far as I know hasn't moved on or ended it as of yet. He never sent me his partner's phone number so if my son is in the process of going dark like he did the first time he was in Chicago I still have no one to reach out to. I do have his NA sponsor's phone number so at least there's that.
And my son tends to have "holiday meltdown" even when he was a kid. Back then it was temper tantrums and angry defiant outbursts, but as an adult it's drugs and god knows what else. So I think Christmas being around the corner could have a lot to do with what's going on as well.
But after all that, the good news for me is that I can't waste my time speculating about what might or might not be going on in my son's life. If he's doing stupid things and making stupid choices again, either he will tell me when he feels like it or I'll get "that call that no parent ever wants to get." But in the meantime, although I am concerned about him, "no news is good news." and I just have to maintain my distance and live my own life. So yeah, I think I have come a long way. Basically I can't let myself get too happy and proud when he does good because it won't last. But I also can't let myself get devastated when he's not doing well, because that won't last either (although it does seem like the bad lasts much longer than the good. Maybe because doing good requires more hard work than doing bad? And my son seems to have an aversion to hard work on an ongoing basis!)
Anyway I hope everyone is doing well or as well as can be hoped under your individual circumstances. I'm going to try and catch up on what's going on with you all, especially the ones I've interacted with in the past. Thanks for listening to another long drawn out chapter in the saga of my son's life story!
