mom_to_3
Active Member
Hi All, it's been awhile since I've been on this site. I have checked in from time to time. I see some familiar faces and quite a few new ones! I need the opinions of some seasoned, intelligent warrior moms and I knew this was the place to get good, practical advice.
Our difficult child was married and is now divorced, has a 3 yr. old son that she does see but his primary custody is with his father, as he does manage to somehow keep a job. Our difficult child has worked a couple of jobs and either quits or gets fired. Her favorite job was working part time for Block Buster because she could get 6 free movies a week, so she says as a benefit and she LOVES to watch movies. She moved away from that city and of course lost her job.
She has had no job for several months. I honestly don't know how she has managed to survive. She did tell me that she gets food stamps, but one also needs some cash. I guess she got desperate a couple of weeks ago and accepted a job "travelling and selling magazine subscriptions". This company was going to send her a bus ticket to Utah and she would travel all over the U.S. Her goal was to work long enough to earn enough money to be able to buy a car.
My husband and I have been doing an excellent job with detaching. We have done nothing to make her life easier. I call and talk to her every now and again. She will occasionally call, never to see how we are doing, but always to tell us about her life. This year, she ignored my husband on Father's Day and his birthday that was earlier this month. :mad:
She told me about a new job she got and she was supposed to leave last weekend, I did a bit of research. I found that these jobs were not legitimate and she would never make money. It very much sounds to be akin to a prostitute and a pimp, her doing the work, living in terrible conditions and not getting paid, and "them" collecting the money.
My husband and I couldn't stomach the thought. We've watched her for years now live in poverty and unsafe situations. We made a decision to offer her a "hand up", not a hand out. My husband talked to her and asked her if she had had enough, if she was ready to change her life and to do the work it took to make it happen. She said she wanted a better life, was tired of living the way she had. We made plans to go see her and lay out our expectations. My husband ended up getting sick, so I went alone.
I took her out to dinner and we talked. She was respectful. When we were almost finished eating I told her that we would allow her to come back home with conditions. She seemed relieved, until I laid out OUR expectations. I told her that she would need to get her GED FINALLY taken care of. I then told her that since she would have no other obligations that we expected her to work a full time AND a part time job. The reason for that is two fold.......... one, she desperately needs to work and save money for a car, insurance, etc. so that she can get and keep her life on track. Second, it would just be better for everyone if she was otherwise occupied. We offered her a home, a bed, food, and transportation to her jobs, have located services that will provide free medical and dental care and another option for furthering her education if she chooses. We would take care of her clothing and other needs within reason. I also reminded her that we had to be totally honest at all times, she replied, "I don't lie anymore MOTHER. Okay.
She actually had the nerve to ask me if she would have access to a computer because she really likes to play role playing games online at night. Then asked if she would have to go to bed at 10pm! Then she was concerned that she might get too tired or too stressed if she worked two jobs, couldn't she just start out with a part time job??? I tried to remain polite and explain that she is and has been behind the eight ball and really needed to do double time to catch up and get her life in order. I told her she would be on the "fast track". She really stuck to her guns about not wanting to work as I suggested, got self righteous and mouthy. She also insisted that I get over an incident with her ex husband, when I tell her I refuse to participate with people that are disrespectful to me, she became belligerent!
I've really taken on a new attitude with her, with everyone actually. Life does teach us things and I need peace in my life! I live by the principle the everyone is entitled to think and act as they chose. I chose if I want to participate in those particular behaviors or if I will allow others to disrespect me. I choose not to participate. I stood up, looked her in the eye and said, "this is not going to work out between us, the deal is off, get your things together, I am taking you home now." I proceeded to leave the restaurant quickly. She followed behind, crying. By the time we got outside, she found it in her heart to get over herself and changed her tune.
I told her that I was not going to argue with her nor would I beg her to come home. I did however tell her that we loved her and wanted to offer her a gift. It was hers if she was able to conform to our wishes. She said she could and would. A date was chosen that we would pick her and her belonging up.
I ended up picking her up one day to go around and drop off some applications as we had seen a couple of businesses looking for help. She filled out the apps. and went in to talk to the managers. One job was at a valero working 8-4 m-f and the other was at a Blockbuster and we hoped she could work like 5-9 m-f. That is a lot of hours but not unreasonable for a 22 yr. old mother that needs to be working and supporting herself and her son!
That was a week ago. I called my difficult child and asked if she had heard anything. NO! I asked if she had called them to follow up and express her extreme interest in the jobs. NO! We were supposed to move her to our home today. When I talked to her earlier in the week, she asked if we could change the day to Saturday because a friend's father had passed away and she wanted to attend the funeral. No problem with that, until I read her myspace where she specifically said that this man had died 2 weeks ago!!! I kid you not, this "friend" has a picture up of his father's casket IN THE GRAVE on his myspace page and people have expressed their condolences and someone even said RIP and the date was 1 MONTH ago! My difficult child has been messaging my oldest easy child and you would not believe the story she has concocted. I won't even go there. I know my difficult child is lying plain and simple. She probably has a dungeons and dragons game lined up for the weekend and that is why she "can't" come.
Again, I am so fed up with this nonsense. I know she is lying, it's not worth it to confront her, she'll only lie more and we'd get no where. Why oh why does she have to sabotage everything good in her life? When she told me she might be too stressed working two jobs, I asked her, aren't you plenty stressed wondering where you will live, how will you provide for your son, what happens when your food stamps run out? I'd rather be stressed working and getting my life in order and making something of myself.
My husband says we should rescind the offer. On one hand I agree, she's all talk and no action and we refuse to have her living here doing nothing but causing chaos in our peaceful home. On the other hand we did make the offer and I'd like to honor that because we are honorable people. I said honorable people, not foolish people (I hope). I had another idea last night and presented it to our difficult child today. I told her that her father and I had talked and decided it would be best that she not move back home UNTIL she already had a full time job lined up. That puts the ball in her court. She has to take action in order to receive our gift, of a hand up. She has to want this more than we do and take action to make it happen. We are going to pick her up tomorrow evening so that she can attend a job fair Sat. morning. She did not want to do this, stating that she has that family memorial to attend, you know. My husband was very gruff with her and would not listen to any of her nonsense. He said for her to come when he said or to forget it. Our difficult child actually sucked it up and said okay. I told my husband that he needs to tell her tomorrow that if she does get hired, that there needs to be an understanding that if she quits or gets fired, that she will need to leave our home immediately. If she wants to change jobs that's fine, just make sure you have another one lined up before you leave the first one. No excuses, she is the master of excuses.
So, if you've made it this far............. Are we missing anything? Any suggestions or other ways to protect ourselves, or help her to help herself without throwing money at her? We would both hate to do it and it would kill my heart, but we would toss her out immediately if she did not follow thru. There is too much at stake for our whole family.
Our difficult child was married and is now divorced, has a 3 yr. old son that she does see but his primary custody is with his father, as he does manage to somehow keep a job. Our difficult child has worked a couple of jobs and either quits or gets fired. Her favorite job was working part time for Block Buster because she could get 6 free movies a week, so she says as a benefit and she LOVES to watch movies. She moved away from that city and of course lost her job.
She has had no job for several months. I honestly don't know how she has managed to survive. She did tell me that she gets food stamps, but one also needs some cash. I guess she got desperate a couple of weeks ago and accepted a job "travelling and selling magazine subscriptions". This company was going to send her a bus ticket to Utah and she would travel all over the U.S. Her goal was to work long enough to earn enough money to be able to buy a car.
My husband and I have been doing an excellent job with detaching. We have done nothing to make her life easier. I call and talk to her every now and again. She will occasionally call, never to see how we are doing, but always to tell us about her life. This year, she ignored my husband on Father's Day and his birthday that was earlier this month. :mad:
She told me about a new job she got and she was supposed to leave last weekend, I did a bit of research. I found that these jobs were not legitimate and she would never make money. It very much sounds to be akin to a prostitute and a pimp, her doing the work, living in terrible conditions and not getting paid, and "them" collecting the money.
My husband and I couldn't stomach the thought. We've watched her for years now live in poverty and unsafe situations. We made a decision to offer her a "hand up", not a hand out. My husband talked to her and asked her if she had had enough, if she was ready to change her life and to do the work it took to make it happen. She said she wanted a better life, was tired of living the way she had. We made plans to go see her and lay out our expectations. My husband ended up getting sick, so I went alone.
I took her out to dinner and we talked. She was respectful. When we were almost finished eating I told her that we would allow her to come back home with conditions. She seemed relieved, until I laid out OUR expectations. I told her that she would need to get her GED FINALLY taken care of. I then told her that since she would have no other obligations that we expected her to work a full time AND a part time job. The reason for that is two fold.......... one, she desperately needs to work and save money for a car, insurance, etc. so that she can get and keep her life on track. Second, it would just be better for everyone if she was otherwise occupied. We offered her a home, a bed, food, and transportation to her jobs, have located services that will provide free medical and dental care and another option for furthering her education if she chooses. We would take care of her clothing and other needs within reason. I also reminded her that we had to be totally honest at all times, she replied, "I don't lie anymore MOTHER. Okay.
She actually had the nerve to ask me if she would have access to a computer because she really likes to play role playing games online at night. Then asked if she would have to go to bed at 10pm! Then she was concerned that she might get too tired or too stressed if she worked two jobs, couldn't she just start out with a part time job??? I tried to remain polite and explain that she is and has been behind the eight ball and really needed to do double time to catch up and get her life in order. I told her she would be on the "fast track". She really stuck to her guns about not wanting to work as I suggested, got self righteous and mouthy. She also insisted that I get over an incident with her ex husband, when I tell her I refuse to participate with people that are disrespectful to me, she became belligerent!
I've really taken on a new attitude with her, with everyone actually. Life does teach us things and I need peace in my life! I live by the principle the everyone is entitled to think and act as they chose. I chose if I want to participate in those particular behaviors or if I will allow others to disrespect me. I choose not to participate. I stood up, looked her in the eye and said, "this is not going to work out between us, the deal is off, get your things together, I am taking you home now." I proceeded to leave the restaurant quickly. She followed behind, crying. By the time we got outside, she found it in her heart to get over herself and changed her tune.
I told her that I was not going to argue with her nor would I beg her to come home. I did however tell her that we loved her and wanted to offer her a gift. It was hers if she was able to conform to our wishes. She said she could and would. A date was chosen that we would pick her and her belonging up.
I ended up picking her up one day to go around and drop off some applications as we had seen a couple of businesses looking for help. She filled out the apps. and went in to talk to the managers. One job was at a valero working 8-4 m-f and the other was at a Blockbuster and we hoped she could work like 5-9 m-f. That is a lot of hours but not unreasonable for a 22 yr. old mother that needs to be working and supporting herself and her son!
That was a week ago. I called my difficult child and asked if she had heard anything. NO! I asked if she had called them to follow up and express her extreme interest in the jobs. NO! We were supposed to move her to our home today. When I talked to her earlier in the week, she asked if we could change the day to Saturday because a friend's father had passed away and she wanted to attend the funeral. No problem with that, until I read her myspace where she specifically said that this man had died 2 weeks ago!!! I kid you not, this "friend" has a picture up of his father's casket IN THE GRAVE on his myspace page and people have expressed their condolences and someone even said RIP and the date was 1 MONTH ago! My difficult child has been messaging my oldest easy child and you would not believe the story she has concocted. I won't even go there. I know my difficult child is lying plain and simple. She probably has a dungeons and dragons game lined up for the weekend and that is why she "can't" come.
Again, I am so fed up with this nonsense. I know she is lying, it's not worth it to confront her, she'll only lie more and we'd get no where. Why oh why does she have to sabotage everything good in her life? When she told me she might be too stressed working two jobs, I asked her, aren't you plenty stressed wondering where you will live, how will you provide for your son, what happens when your food stamps run out? I'd rather be stressed working and getting my life in order and making something of myself.
My husband says we should rescind the offer. On one hand I agree, she's all talk and no action and we refuse to have her living here doing nothing but causing chaos in our peaceful home. On the other hand we did make the offer and I'd like to honor that because we are honorable people. I said honorable people, not foolish people (I hope). I had another idea last night and presented it to our difficult child today. I told her that her father and I had talked and decided it would be best that she not move back home UNTIL she already had a full time job lined up. That puts the ball in her court. She has to take action in order to receive our gift, of a hand up. She has to want this more than we do and take action to make it happen. We are going to pick her up tomorrow evening so that she can attend a job fair Sat. morning. She did not want to do this, stating that she has that family memorial to attend, you know. My husband was very gruff with her and would not listen to any of her nonsense. He said for her to come when he said or to forget it. Our difficult child actually sucked it up and said okay. I told my husband that he needs to tell her tomorrow that if she does get hired, that there needs to be an understanding that if she quits or gets fired, that she will need to leave our home immediately. If she wants to change jobs that's fine, just make sure you have another one lined up before you leave the first one. No excuses, she is the master of excuses.
So, if you've made it this far............. Are we missing anything? Any suggestions or other ways to protect ourselves, or help her to help herself without throwing money at her? We would both hate to do it and it would kill my heart, but we would toss her out immediately if she did not follow thru. There is too much at stake for our whole family.
