It's who I am

[recoveringenabler]

Sig, I understand your feelings. I just quickly googled the definition of acceptance for my own clarity, I don't think it's approval either. Perhaps this will make some difference....
"Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. The concept is close in meaning to 'acquiescence', derived from the Latin 'acquiēscere' (to find rest in).[SUP][1]

[/SUP]

 

[Signorina]

If that's the definition, I will never be at acceptance. Because so long as I draw breath, I will protest his drug use & immorality, I will exit myself from him, and protest against it. Just sayin'

Now, I won't picket his apartment or take out a newspaper ad!

But again, I think the crux is his age. Had he been self sufficient when this occurred (or a minor); I may have felt differently. And again, difficult child tried to bully us into accepting his choices and we made the mistake of thinking we could accept him at any price. But we paid the price.

So "not accepting" his lifestyle was empowering. I don't accept his choices but i acknowledge and accept that i dont get a vote in his lifestyle. I hope that makes sense.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I dont feel I get a vote either. I just accept. I was one of those "hell no, not under my roof" mom's. Your home, your decisions. Im smart enough to know I cant change anyone but me.

Now one that you said kinda hurt my feelings. You said it would have upset you if your son joined the military but you would have accepted it. That was our dream for my middle son. It was HIS dream from the time he was 8. We knew we would never have the money to get him a further education and if he was going to get out of this area and do better for himself other than hanging sheet rock for a living then the Marines were the way to go. When he went in, it was the proudest moment of all of our lives. I have Marines all over my family. We come from a long line and in fact, my son graduated from Parris Island 60 years apart to the month from when his grandfather did. His grandfather was there to see him. He was the first one to salute him. The military gave a whole lot to my son. Just as much as any college could have. But instead of ever thinking he would come home again, he knew from the very first time he came home on leave that he had passed a milestone. Home was a childhood memory and he was now a man who had responsibilities that had to be addressed. It never even occurred to him to want to come home again.

 

[toughlovin]

Janet - with several of your posts you seem to feel that those of us on this SA part of the board need to let go more than we already are. I am wondering what exactly you mean? It seems to me than many of us here are letting go an enormous amount, more than many parents of 18-22 year olds.

I cant speak for anyone else but really I don't see how I can let go anymore than I already am.... unless it is to the point of not worrying at all, not thinking about them at all, basically completely writing them out of my thoughts and minds and my life. And then somehow having it not matter to me that I have done that.

I have made a real shift in the last few months... with the help of my alanon group. I am going on with my life. I am able to focus on work, except when there is an immediate crisis at least. I go out with friends, I have fun with my easy child daughter, I go out with my husband. You may not see it all here because this is where I come with my fear and my worry.

I have definitely given up trying to control my son or what he is doing. Yes I am giving him options and yes I am willing to help him when he wants help. I am not giving him any money, I am not rescuing him from living on the street or from his drug addiction (if I could rescue him from that I would but I know I can't).

So really in what ways should I let go that I am not doing?

TL

 

[Signorina]

Janet, it was not my intent to hurt you. And yes, I did not want my son to join the military right out of HS. He was being heavily recruited by a HS military recruiter-one of his friends did sign up-and the recruiter encouraged that friend to get a group of his fellow football buddies (difficult child included) together to work out at the military center. Of course it was a recruitment ploy and my son & a few of the other boys got a little "star struck". The recruiter was slick, the boys naive. I was very concerned difficult child would sign away 6 years and that he would be stuck. This was after he had chosen a college and he was a great student.. We implored him to wait until he graduated college and go in as an officer. Regardless, if he had signed, I would have been worried but I would've accepted it.

I have nothing against military. My father in law was a marine and h was born at Camp Pendleton!

I was trying to make the distinction between a son making a life choice (career) that dismays a parent etc versus choosing to live in a downward spiral. (drugs)

 

[Signorina]

TL, I think you are doing great. And I understand what you are saying completely. And I agree with your post wholeheartedly. I will be there for my kids for the rest if their lives. I won't let them walk all over me, but I will always want the best for them and I will do my best to support healthy choices.

 

[Nancy]

So many good points and things to think about that I will have to go back and reread this many times to absorb it all.

I started out this thread by saying I finally understood why I am like I am and that I have been a fixer and a worrier all my life, so my difficult child did not invent that in me and trying to get me to detach from that mode of operation is like cutting off my right arm. So I finally was getting it that I am who I am and she is who she is and has been that way long before drugs and so I have to finally accept that fact.

I get what you are saying TL and I agree that I love my difficult child for the person she can be and for the person I have seen at times.

But RE I can't get past the not radiating disapproval at our difficult child's when they are using drugs. I love my difficult child, I have told her that a thousand times the past couple years. I have been there to support her recovery every step of the way. I know she felt my love. That is the one thing I am sure of. husband and I stood with her during these past two years and we did our part of the recovery work too. But we have also been honest through that process that we cannot and will not accept her drug/alcohol use and that will never change. And part of the line drawn in the sand is that she won't have a relationship with us if she is not in recovery because we are not going to let her think we agree with her choices and we are certainly not going to watch her kill herself. It's part of the consequences she is choosing when she chooses drugs. She is cutting herself off from her family. And yet we have also told her so many times that we will be there to support her if and when she goes back into recovery. But until them I am not going to invite her over for Sunday dinner and act like everything is ok.

I know my difficult child and what I have learned from years of snooping is that she thinks if we don't say anything we have forgotten about it or accepted it. Well we haven't. She would tell me all the time,"her parents don't care, they don't say anything", yadda.

And I agree with Sig that I accept that I have no control over difficult child's life. She is making many choices I wish she wouldn't but they are not illegal and so she is in control of her own life and also responsible for it. I don't want to be in control of her life anymore, but I can't accept her illegal and very dangerous behaviors that affect not only her life but so many lives around her. It goes against everything I have been raised with and the character that I have built my life around. It goes against my inner morals, those morals way down deep inside you that just can't be brushed away.

I love my difficult child unconditionally. No matter what she does I will always love her. The courts recognize this when they do not force spouses to testify against each other. I can't pull my love for her out of my heart because of what she is doing. It won't go away. And I too will be there to support her should she decide to get help.

I don't think I will ever reach the definition of acceptance that some have here and that is ok. I don't think I will ever be at rest with her decisions and I think it will always impact our relationship. I do accept that I have no control over her decisions and I also accept that she is going to do what she wants to do and that is the way she has always been. I get that....I accept that. I am not in denial nor do I think I have some superhuman power to make her change.

Janet there are some who feel differently than you do about the military. I absolutely do not want this thread to become political because it is too important to us for it to be closed down. But Sig was not trying to make you feel bad. She was trying to explain that she may not agree with some of her son's life choices but she would accept them because they are not immoral or illegal. (I hope I am explaining that correctly Sig). I agree with her on that issue because of my personal experiences with young people who are either in or have been in the military and also based on my personal feelings on what is going on in the world right now. But I applaud anyone else who thinks this is the right decision for them. It just is not for me and I would not want my difficult child or easy child to choose that path, although if they did I would accept it. I believe she was trying to show that although she may not like a path her kids would take she would accept it so long as it was not immoral or illegal.

If my daughter was 18 and took off for the west coast to find herself I may have no idea what she is doing. And ignorance is bliss. And we may never see each other again or have any kind of meaningful relationship. But so what does that mean? That I shouldn't worry that my difficult child is on opiates now and headed for life on the streets and will probably turn to prostitution before long just because she doesn't live clear across the country and I don't know what she does? It is true what we don't know can't hurt us but sadly here we all know what our difficult child' are doing it doesn't go away because we tell ourselves to stop worrying.

I do agree that we are being asked to let go in a far different way than most any other parent except maybe those whose children are in jail. Sometimes I get the idea that if they were in jail we would not be criticized for worrying, we would be expected to or at least it would be understood. I have let go. I have given up on watching her become a successful young woman doing something that she is passionate about, and meeting perhaps a young man or someone she could share her life with, or the family times together and vacations and shopping trips and talks on the phone and doing her laundry and listening to her talk about her day and watching her struggle to become the kind of person she is capable of becoming. I have given up so much and let go until my arms and heart feel empty.

I go about my day doing things that make me feel good about how I am living my life. I am not sitting around consumed with what she is doing. I too go out with my husband and easy child and my friends. Gosh I can go into the grocery store now and run into one of my neighbors and the subject of my difficult child doesn't even come up, there are no tears, I don't to unload. But like TL said if I let go anymore there would be no point in having a daughter, I would let her go into the world and forget about her, wipe her memory out of my mind completely. Nothing that she did would matter because she would not even be in my memory.

I have rambled and I'm not sure I made much sense or where this all leads me but I'm glad I took this journey with you all and like I started out I have so much to think about and try to process in my head.

Nancy

P.S. Sig our replies crossed but I wanted to mention that an army recruiter hooked onto my difficult child wheh she was a junior in high school and he came to the high school to "recruit". Of course he smelled out my difficult child along with many other difficult child's who where floundering and not on a stable life path. So for the next two years we got calls all day and night from him and some of them were not very nice and I finally told him that difficult child was on medication and had many serious issues that caused to act out in destructive ways, that she was an out-of-control kid and that she was defiant in every sense of the word and she was costing us a lot of money in medical and legal bills and if that is the kind of person they wanted in the service they could come and pick her up right now. My dad spent six years in the army overseas during WWII and he truly is a hero. There was no way my difficult child was going to "straighten out" by joining the service. But hey if they wanted to be responsible for her then more power to them. She of course decided there was no way she could take orders from anyone and wouldnot get up at dawn to make her bed....in spite of the fact that she thought she woud have a field day with all the guys around her.

 

[recoveringenabler]

A very provocative and thoughtful thread, I appreciate everyone's feelings. I think my main focus has been to be able to articulate my own feelings so I can understand, and also to try to assist others in not going down all the painful roads I've been walking on for the last 20 years. Perhaps, this painful process of letting go, detaching and accepting is so individual and unique to each of us that although we have common experiences, our paths through are quite diverse.

I was thinking about something Sig said, about how at a young age her son just went off the rails suddenly. I experienced that same thing with my difficult child when she was a senior in HS, an honor student, heading to college, lots of promise and a bright future, and 3 months prior to graduation, she packed her bags one weekend when I was away and left for L.A. with 3 friends. That was the first of many very poor choices which she still pays for in many ways. No substance abuse, just a broken brain. From then till now has been quite a ride.

I was thinking about all of this this morning and I thought, this process I've been in with my difficult child is a lot like the 4 stages of grief. Here's a link if you are interested in reading about them http://www.livestrong.com/article/127839-stages-grief/

Nancy, I know it's hard to get, for me too. I've only just landed here and the acceptance part was what really helped me to stop the extensive worrying ,....... the acceptance of simply what is, not of the bad choices and behavior, just what is. And, in taking that big deep let go breath, it was as if I could see my difficult child now, without the fog of my own judgments. Not to say my judgements were incorrect, they just prevented me from seeing her. So, in putting them aside, not condoning any behaviors at all, but separating her from the choices she's making, I could see her.

In spite of our individual paths though this difficult child landscape, I admire each and every one of you for your love, dedication and commitment to your kids, and whether you worry or not, detach or not, accept or not, the path is a devastating one filled with mine fields not one of us ever anticipated nor do we know how to sidestep them. I know everyone here on this board is doing the very best they know how to, every single day. My greatest prayer for all of us, is that we find peace.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Perhaps, this painful process of letting go, detaching and accepting is so individual and unique to each of us that although we have common experiences, our paths through are quite diverse.

Bingo. I think we all have to find our own way there. I needed this reminder today, for many reasons.. so thank you for putting it so eloquently.

 

[Signorina]

Sig said, about how at a young age her son just went off the rails suddenly. I experienced that same thing with my difficult childwhen she was a senior in HS, an honor student, heading to college, lots of promise and a bright future, and 3 months prior to graduation, she packed her bags one weekend when I was away and left for L.A. with 3 friends. That was the first of many very poor choices which she still pays for in many ways. No substance abuse, just a broken brain.

I really don't want to come across as splitting hairs. But my son started to falter in September, managed to stay enrolled in school thru December and didn't go "off the rails" until January. And his issue isn't a broken brain, it IS substance abuse...and it's been less than a year since the substance abuse began. As of March 2011, he was still testing clean.

So, I am posting from a very different perspective. And I am not ready to grieve for him yet. Nor am I ready to accept that he is a substance abuser for life. Or at least the near future. Because, he hasn't even attempted recovery once. And I am hoping he will reach a bottom that isn't too bad from which he will be willing to accept help and recovery. And I am not ready to let that hope go.

But your post is a good reminder. I hope if he doesn't change, that I am ready to move on from my hope long before he is 39, heck even before he is 24! But I am not ready now. Not when he is 20 and I am 44 and his good choices have more lineage than his active bad choices .

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Sig, I too hope your son changes and recovers and that if not, you are able to avoid my path and move on from hope. I did not mean to put myself in your shoes, I apologize.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sig I can understand why you dont think your son would be a good candidate for the Military though good doctors are sorely needed in there.

I dont know why I am coming across to you as saying to walk away and never look back. I just think that you cant do more of the work on their issues than they are. If you are staying up all night looking into placements, worrying about where they are, what they are doing, this and that...they arent. I realize most of you think I have no idea what I am talking about but I was your son or daughter. Actually I was probably more like Sigs son than any of them. Maybe a cross between Nancy and Sigs. I am not that person today. It took me waking up at about 21/22 and realizing I had responsibilities which were named babies. Now possibly if those hadnt come along it may have taken longer...I dont know. I tend to think that when that frontal cortex finished growing I would have gotten tired of that life and grew up anyway. It happened with all of my other friends.

Most of you have fairly good relationships with your kids starting out. At least in the beginning years. I had a horrible life and I still have made it this far. I have a boatload of diagnosis's to show for it. I should be stuck in some sort of sub abuse but Im not. I truly believe your kids will come back. That is what I have been trying to say from day one. That old saying about if you love something set it free.

This is the last time I am going to try to explain. Obviously I am not getting it through.

 

[Signorina]

Janet, I realize you are trying to be reassuring. But I think the crux is that you were not a substance abuser and you had a horrible upbringing.

My son is an addict who has 2 loving parents in a stable home and is an ADDICT nonetheless. And I have set him free. He isn't here. I could get him back and force him into rehab if I were really that inclined; but I haven't. I can afford it, I can arrange it, and frankly I have the resources to strong arm him into it if I chose. Even my brothers have offered to go get him if I say the word. I could even turn over his roommate's twitter feed to the local pd and both boys would likeley be arrested and charged with felony drug possession. Heck, my h's college best friend is a high level DEA agent, and I know he would be more than will to scare the daylights out of those boys if got h in touch. Yes, I stayed up googling treatment centers in the days I couldn't sleep after he left. And I feel better knowing I have a list should he ever ask for help. I did that for me not for him.

But I HAVE set him free. He isn't here. I redecorated his bedroom for crying out loud. He will never live in this house again. (unless he has been clean for 90 days and is committed to a program.) He will always be my son and I will always love him unconditionally but I will never accept his drug addiction. And I will never give up my love for him and will never accept this as his new normal. He is NOT disabled or suffering from a primary mental illness. HE IS AN ADDICT who will not admit he is powerless and who refuses help. And drugs are not ok with me. I am taking a moral stand and if that means he will never be a part of our day to day lives forever, so be it. And I hope to God he doesn't bring an innocent child into the mess he has made of his life.

 

[toughlovin]

Janet, thanks for clarifying your point of view. It was clearer to me this time anyways. I agree with you in principal and have followed that principal often with my difficult child... I should not be working harder than he is. LOL I remember when he was in Kindergarten, getting him to the bus was always a struggle and a fight and then i would have to drive him to school.... and I realized exactly this principal... so I calmed down and told him I would be charging him $2 for taxi service and then I stepped back. I have no idea what he had to do for the $2 but he started making the bus with no problem.

Yes I have stayed up worrying and looking at treatment options.... trying to find out whats out there when he actually asked me too and was not in a situation where he could do it. Yes I do want to find out his options when he is ready but it has to be when he is ready and he has to make the calls. I am not doing it for him or pushing him into it.

However I don't know how to stop the worry. I am definitely more worried about him than he is about himself. Part of that is the wisdom of experience and part of that is he is not here, I don't see him in person, he doesn't share much and so I just don't really know how he is doing. And I have to keep finding ways to keep the worry at bay or at least not let it interfere and take over my life. The worry has taken over my life before and I am overall doing a fairly good job of not letting that happen anymore.... but coming to this board is one way I do that.

I have really appreciated your stories about being a difficult child and some of your struggles and diagnoses. They have helped in the past and I really hope you are right that are difficult children will live through this and come back to us. That is my hope. However the reality of drug addiction, especially when you get to the point of being addicted to opiates is that people do overdose and die. I have known 3 families who have lost young adults to heroin addiction. It is a serious risk that cannot be ignored. So I think the drug addiction adds a whole other level of risk to gfgdom......so my hope is that my son survives long enough for his frontal lobe to develop.... and that his drug use doesn't fry his brain so much that it still can develop. That is where my worry comes from and my internal need to find him options.

Today i got a call from one of the better places he has been at looking for him. I told them to call his cell. Then I got a call from the insurance co looking for him. I called to tell him that. Sounds like he is planning on going to this place for detox on Sat or Sunday..... he said the other place did not detox him. I think the message to me is that he is using again, plans to party for a couple of days and then go back to detox. I mentioned that he should call the other program i found.... but left it at that. Meanwhile he was driving someones car so I think there is a new girl in the picture..... but who knows. I know there is nothing else i can do and I just hope when and if he goes into detox that he lets us know so I can have some good restful nights.

TL

 

[Nancy]

"Nancy, I know it's hard to get, for me too. I've only just landed here and the acceptance part was what really helped me to stop the extensive worrying ,....... the acceptance of simply what is, not of the bad choices and behavior, just what is"

RE this makes so much sense to me. I'm not where you are yet in being able to see her but I have accepted that it is what it is. I am not in denial nor do I think there is anything anyone can do to change it except her and I have let go a lot.

Nancy

 

[exhausted]

Thanks everyone-all good points to think about. My journey is not going to be the same as other's. I will need different pathways and timing. None of us will go the same way. My difficult child is a minor. I should as a parent still have some control. She should be living by our rules and following directions. She is by law under our care and roof. I could be made responsible for the damage she does. This is a double edged sword when I am having to also let go according to my FA meetings. I am doing what I can to find peace and to be responsible. Soon I will be walking in the shoes of those of you who have adult children. I am scared. I hope I can be as strong as you all have been.

Janet-thank you- as my daughter's biggest issue is the mental health. When I think of the grim realities of her dxs it is scary. I too hope she can come through as you have been able to rise and shine despite the horrors of your life. It was not our abuse that caused her issues, but the abuse of other's. I think these kids get in so many situations where they have these traumas and bad things happen because of their drug use. it just adds to their issues. I don't believe for a second a kid feels particularly good about prostituting or stealing to support their habit. They are sick with the addiction. Each thing they do to get drugs just adds to the trauma and the disease. Drug use compounds mental illness. I think it slows their recovery as well.

I don't think there is a "way" or right answer. But I really appreciate each point of view, path and stance. I am learning. God grant us all strength to keep learning.

 

[toughlovin]

Yes what you say about acceptance is so true... it really is just accepting the reality of the situation. It is what it is. And the truth that we cannot change it. To me the thing that helps me is just the serenity prayer...."accept the things you cannot change".... .when I say that to myself it does give me some peace.... because I think so often my angst is around what can I do.....and when I can accept there is nothing I can do then I have more peace.

TL

 

[dashcat]

Oh, Nancy, I know excactly where you are coming from. It's funny how things look clearer in the rearview mirror some tomes, isn't it? I remember a time when my daughter was caught sexting with a total stranger - a 28 year old man, no less (she was 17). I was scared to death and I told her so. I told her she didn't have to talk that way - to make those kind of promises - to capture a guy's interest. At one point, I said "Honey, this isn't how you were raised." Now if my mom had said that to me, I would have been very remorseful. My difficult child looked me straight in the eyes and said, as cold as ice, "But I'm choosing not to live as I've been raised."

Choosing.

In that one sentance and, especially the way in which it was delivered, she told me everything I needed to know about where she was going. Still, I railed against it, fought, cajoled, and prayed she'd "see the light". The truth is, she saw the light very clearly, she simply chose to walk away from it.

To accept that is beyond difficult. I'm a work in progress where that is concerned, as I am sure most of the warrior parents here will attest. But to NOT accept it is a to buy a one way ticket on the crazy train.

Whether you're dealing with chemical addiction, risky sexual behavior, stealing, whatever ... it is absolutely necessary to accept that the choices are kids are making are their own. Perhaps more important that that (and harder to accept) is to know that they don't think like we do, and are not likely ever to do so.

Dash