Just a minor vent

[CrazyinVA]

I'm trying not to project too far here... but Oldest's hours have been cut back at work, and she and her boyfriend have broken up, yet still living together.. she's trying to find another place to live. Her "friends" recently bailed on her 25th birthday celebration (yet she ran into them at a bar across the street, they basically just blew her off). She's feeling sorry for herself. I know that must hurt, but, it's a pattern... the inability to maintain relationships. Her lying and manipulation eventually push people away ... until the next group of "new friends" come along.

From my experience, this combination of events is a typically a setup for another crisis/pain pill binge/crazy borderline outburst. I'm bracing myself.

Does anyone else feel that tension start to build when the old patterns re-emerge yet again? I've been in a "blah" mood lately, so it seems harder than usual to push these feelings back and tell myself not to worry about things that haven't even happened yet.

 

[Suz]

The only people who know us from our date of conception are our parents. Who would know your daughter better than you? No one.

Yes, I used to be able to see/hear Rob in the "revving up" stage. Frightening.

Deep breaths. Detach. Cross your fingers she can de-escalate herself.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[everywoman]

I think sometimes that our lot in life is waiting for the shoe to drop....You know its in the air, but you're not sure how much of a grasp our difficult children have on it. It's tough. I hope one day all the drama and upheaval they cause will be a distant memory.

 

[Star*]

OH BOY have I been there -

And you sit back and think as the Mom - (((((could something I say this time MAKE a difference? Make her stop these self-destructive behaviors? Allow her to get off the pity wagon called Woe is me for good?)))))

I have debated in my own head about a bazillion times when Dude has made the same mistakes over, and over and over ad nauseum. My thoughts immediately now go to saying something to your daughter in the line of

"Well I suppose you'll be feeling sorry for yourself like you do every single time you screw up and you'll take the pills and you'll binge drink and you'll find me to bail you out of this and then once I do - you're on the road to recovery and I'm just left on the road under the bus of emotional jackknife." Then walk away and play hardball........and not speak to her. because I used to say
"Oh honey - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way what can I do to make you feel better?" and then every time get bit or hit or spit on by a child who would scream at me that I have NO IDEA what it feels like to be her.

Our therapist nailed Dude's persona pretty well - and once we (as parents) stopped the pity wagon and leveled the playing field and didn't acknowledge his obsessive behaviors and pity me state of mind and instead just pretended in our minds that we would say what we wanted to with tact, and whatever fallout there was? Was on him.

NOT allowing and NOT acknowledging our sons self-sabotaging and making himself out to be the victim each and every time was the best thing we did for him as an young man. INstead of feeling sorry or taking a breath waiting on him to self-destruct we took a different route and said "Ya know what I know? I can't change you, I can't fix you, I can't make you see what a wonderful kid I see in you. But, I can walk away from you when you want pity - because you messed things up once again, and if you whine and say 'I always mess things up' then get therapy or seek help because OBVIOUSLY there is something not right upstairs here and I can't fix it and not only can't I not fix it I dont' have any more time or patience TO fix things for you - I'm 44 years old, I'm tired, I'm cranky I have my OWN flipping problems and while I do love you I am so sick and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with you - that I'm just plucking that shoe right out of the sky today, throwing it away and you just go and do what you want to do because you will anyway - AND SO WILL I."

CRIPES - I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE OTHER THAN VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR MESSED UP WORLD - GET YOUR MESS TOGETHER AND START BEHAVING LIKE A 25 year old woman.

THEN exhale - growl ............and walk away.

Detachment 101 - second semester.......class graduate.

Hugs

 

[C.J.]

Star, I loved your speech. I'm going to learn it word for word and use it. N*'s pregnancy is like no other woman's has ever been on the face of the earth. She has back pain, she's had nausea, she has headaches, she's had a cold that won't go away, blah blah blah. Since she doesn't take great care of herself - She's supposed to have been on an antibiotic every day since 12-10-08. There are still four pills left in the original bottle of 30. Through today, she should have taken 41 pills. She's taken 26 - missing more than 2 weeks of antibiotics her doctor has prescribed.

I don't have any more empathy or sympathy left. I don't wish anything bad, I'm just sick of hearing how bad she feels when she's not doing what she needs to be doing to be healthier. Is she walking 30 minutes a day? No Is she taking her medications daily? No Is she taking her prenatal vitamin daily? No Does she get 7-8 hours of sleep every night? No - especially when she's out with a "friend". Does she get proper nutrition? No - despite the fact there are fresh fruits and vegetables in the house, along with a selection of whole grain cereals, juice, milk, yogurt, lean meat. She calls a "friend" who stops by with something fried from a fast food place. Why? Because then she doesn't have to fix something for herself to eat.

Thank you for sharing - I needed new dialogue.

 

[goldenguru]

Does anyone else feel that tension start to build when the old patterns re-emerge yet again?

Oh yeah. I think it's a low level of PTSD. We are conditioned to feel the tension - especially when there is an observable pattern to our kids behaviors. Honestly, up until about 2 years ago, I would literally freeze when the caller ID showed that it was my daughter on the other end. I always expected some level of bad news/drama.

These latest consequences are the results of your daughter's behaviors/choices. She's got to work through them. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully she begins to recognize the cycle that you see so clearly.

Hugs to you.

 

[rejectedmom]

I always know when my difficult child's are building up to something. I have learned that it doesn't matter what I do. What is gonna happen is gonna happen. I just follow my gut and get out of the way if possible or brace for impact. In the process I try hard to remain true to myself. It is all one can do. We cannot control them nor the outcomes of their chaous. -RM

 

[CrazyinVA]

Thank you, all. Star, your speech is great, and I've said something like it many times in my head! The good news is, I stopped "rescuing" long ago. I don't invite her to come home when she's being kicked out. That one is easy; the mere thought of her staying with me puts me into a panic ... plus, she has no car and there is no busline by me, she couldn't get to work from there, so it's illogical. I have given her money for rent on rare occasions, mainly when she missed worked due to a true physical illness and fell behind.

But, when I see her spending money on going out and drinking, or buying clothes, vs. saving to pay her court fines and reinstate her license and insurance, or paying her rent? No, there is no way I will give her money. I do occasionally buy groceries.

I'm not tempted to rescue, should things build to another crisis. Mainly, it's just the overwhelming sadness at her life, and her inability to admit her mental illness, and yes, the embarassment. It's the memories that pop up, the worrying how long she can live this way (literally), the feeling like a bad mom because I don't know how to respond to her when she calls me upset. Sometimes I think I've become so good at the detachment thing with her, that the walls I've built are too high, I find it difficult to comfort her or give her what she needs from me because I don't want to open that door. But her perception of what she needs is so skewed... it's hard to know how to resopnd appropriately. I tell her I love her, I tell her I'm sorry she's going through this, I don't lecture about her choices any more. It falls on deaf ears, and it only makes her feel worse. I do tell her that she needs to get help, and that perhaps she can avoid this happening again if she follows through on mental health help (and then of course I hear all the excuses as to why she "can't"). Then I just let it go.

Can one be "too" detached, I wonder? Am I internalizing all of this when I should be venting more? Maybe I'm just trying to figure out how I'm feeling .... waiting for the other shoe to drop, indeed, but ... I can't put it into words. Dread is a good one. Combined with sadness.

Just rambling thoughts and hypothetical questions, really. I don't know if any of that even made any sense.

 

[Star*]

PERFECT sense.......

It's been danged if you do, danged if you don't with us and Dude for years. I HATE IT. I abhore it with a ferverent passion, wtih all of my being. I hate that I have to choose. As a Mom it should just BE and that's the end of it. My child should just BE NORMAL.

Somedays I find solace and comfort in the encouraging words of Dollar Store plaques that have catchy verses on them about "too blessed to be stressed" or spelling out the word M-O-T-H-E-R....with meaningful and loving words of wisdom. M is for maturity and I rely on you so much for that Mom. Other days I see M-O-T-H-E-R and I think nope - I should get some masking tape out of my purse and rewrite this -
M- Mowed over like a green lawn on a hot summer day.
O- Otherwise unless I call you don't bug me, hassle me or talk to me.
T- Thanks for the cash again -sucka - fooled you good this time....haha
H- HELLO? Where is my folded laundry? Did you put minutes on my phone?
E- EVERYONE BOW TO THE CHILD
R- Really, you should consider getting a life - GET OUT OF MY LIFE MOM.

Then there's the bargaining I do in my head more passionately than a bi-partisan house. This is when I bust out into full blown SOCK PUPPET Mode (not to be confused with my loving nephew and his monkey puppet) - and the good sock puppet says "YOU are his MOTHER!! YOU SHOULD forgive him and take him that $7.00 for his lunch while you eat day old bread and questionable Hillshire farm thin sliced 2 week old lunch meat sandwhiches." and the other sock puppet interrupts and beats the toes out of the humble one and says "You know what? That kid has been a pain in your lunchbox since the day he was born. WHY IN THE BLUE DAWN would you ever get in your car, waste the gas, your time, and take him $7 for lunch...let him starve - it's not like he's going to pass out or anything and if he does? Hey - someone will call 911 and is that really YOUR problem? Noooooo let him hang like he lets you hang......detach......detach.....they're like cats these kids - once you feed them they never leave."

And so the pre-war emerges in my psyche and then I am interrupted by a young wanna be top notch salesman calling my name and pounding on the frame of the door to my office "STAR STAR????? Can you get me 100 copies of this by noon? Collated??" And I just want to scream.

So yeah - I think what you feel and experience is very normal. I'm more afraid of becoming completely detached and liking it now that I have ever been in my life. I keep asking myself - AND WHAT WOULD I LOOSE by not having this person around to bully me? Maybe a once a year piece of notebook paper folded in half with HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY written on it? And then humble sock puppet jumps up and says "SHAME ON YOU - you know you love anything that child makes you - you're lucky to HAVE a child, he's not Satan - he's not he's not."

And that is a glimpse - into my last 4 minutes - just thinking about your post.

YEAH - no wonder I'm nuts.

And you?

 

[katya02]

they're like cats these kids - once you feed them they never leave.

I am SO with you on this ...

 

[CrazyinVA]

Thank you, Star. You have no idea how much your post helped me. It's so hard these days, watching Youngest get her stuff together and change her life when really, she was in a more desparate place 3 years ago than Oldest ever has been. Oldest is more of a slow burn... with flash fires ... that just neer completely goes out, kind of like a pile of old tires.

I keep going back to what the psychiatrist said months ago, that I shared here and feel the need to share again, if not only to remind myself in writing (so forgive me for repeating). Paraphrased.. "You gave both of your girls the tools with which to make their lives work. Youngest eventually took those tools and used them. Oldest screams, "NO, I don't want THOSE TOOLS! Give me the ONES I WANT!"

It's a great analogy, and so true. She just doesn't want it any way but her way. Helping her wont help her, not really, not in the long term. Sometimes, not even in the short term.