just an update

[catwoman]

<span style='font-family: Arial Black'> </span> Well, it's been interesting since difficult child and I started e-mailing each other. At first he was very friendly and happy to hear from me, wanted to "reestablish a relationship" with me, missed me, yadda yadda yadda. Now I barely hear from him and when I do it's usually a sentence or two, one of them was one word. I'm not sure what he expected from me as far as a relationship. He had let me know he was still using, at least alcohol that I know of, and still making bad choices. I didn't really respond to that, he's an adult and I'm trying to keep this on a level I can handle. Sometimes I honestly don't know what to say to him. I'v been keeping my e-mails pretty general, asking about his job, what he enjoys doing, etc. Is he expecting me to get into the old stuff? Even though I should be used to this I'm just really confused right now. I don't want to get sucked back into the old way of trying to figure him out, that's pointless and painful. I'm happy to be hearing from him at any rate.

 

[rejectedmom]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: catwoman</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <span style='font-family: Arial Black'> </span> Sometimes I honestly don't know what to say to him.</div></div>

It sounds like he is having the same issue. -RM

 

[meowbunny]

Maybe the best would be to just leave things on a general, friendly level for now. Let him know about your day or week, ask about his. Swallow hard when he mentions his drinking and try to not comment on it.

I know the first time my daughter moved out, most of our chats were about the pets. I did let her know I loved her and I was here if she needed me. I did not say she should come home nor comment on what she was doing unless she specifically asked for advice. This was incredibly hard for me. I so wanted to shake her out of her stupidity but I knew that would just end all communication. So, for now, I'd say try to keep it general.

 

[Scent of Cedar I]

This happens to me everytime too, catwoman.

husband told me to use the mantra "I don't have an issue with that." to myself, whenever I began to feel those old, hopeless feelings about difficult child.

It worked, for me.

The thing is that, if you are anything like me, you may fixate on that desperate need to help, to supply information if nothing else, to "be there" for your son, just in case his world falls apart.

Which, if your son is anything like mine, it probably will.

So, for moms like you and me, the only way we can really maintain relationships with our sons is to have a mantra like that one my husband came up with for me.

I am still, somewhere deep inside, hurt so deeply by what has happened that I do not see either my son or my own role in his life rationally.

That mantra is how I take care of myself.

I hope it helps you too, catwoman.

There are times I cannot believe how painful all this still is.

Barbara

.

 

[WhymeMom?]

<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>catwoman, if you are like me you still hold out hope that something you say will finally sink in and CHANGE his behavior. But the change will not happen with just a few well chosen words... What he is doing is checking the waters...."will she still email me if she knows I'm drinking?" I would not try to be preachy, but keep telling him you love him and think about how he is doing....

No easy feat, but say it long enough and loud enough until it gets thru....

Thinking of you and your family....</span>

:frown:

 

[Suz]

When my relationship with Rob is/was this tenuous, I found it best to have very short contact. Rob and I have had 5 minute phone calls and we've had longer conversations when we were both up to it. Either way, we always hang up after telling each other "I love you."

I think you are right to be happy for the contact, no matter how brief or chatty it is. Reconstructing relationships takes time and a ton of patience.

Suz

 

[KFld]

I would keep it simple. Don't email to often, but just enough to let him know you are still there. Like I said keep it simple, how's work? etc. Ignore anything negative he tells you that you don't really care to hear about, like drinking, just don't give any response. I think I would always end with,Nice to hear from you, I love you, talk to you soon.

I know you feel better hearing from him, but I'm sure it's not helping your heart heal any faster. Sorry!!!!

 

[catwoman]

Thanks everyone for the input. I've basically been doing what you have said, keeping it very general and simple. I haven't commented at all on his drinking except to say I was glad he wasn't hurt when he totaled his truck. I know by now that nothing I say or do is ever going to make a difference so I don't try. I just want to hear from him now and then. I guess I'm just so afraid of saying the wrong think or not saying the right thing and losing contact with him again.

 

[Sunlight]

there is no right or wrong thing. he may be incapable of ever being as close as you would like. I never mention the drinking with ant much anymore at all. he knows what he has to do.

concentrate instead on just being his friend. send him a joke email now and then. just maybe a once a week "hi" sort of thing.