Just so hurt. Am I blind?

[Waking]

Thank you, I think I came off wrong. I was thinking that DS3 was more like DS1 in the gifted area. And I never even had a spectrum disorder cross my mind. Probably because I don't have any experience with it. But this all makes sense now if I look at history. What you said about quirky but normal, is exactly what I always thought about DS3.
We will definitely investigate this more. I feel like I've learned so much in the last couple of days. There is so much more to learn. I certainly appreciate finding this community!

 

[BusynMember]

Your husband, who you say is similar, may be on the spectrum. It runs in families

 

[Copabanana]

Might I ask, what kind of services are offered to a high-functioning well-behaved child?

From the school district's point of view, as few as possible. From the parent's, whatever you fight for.

You can google this: autism spectrum IEP services, and see what comes up.

Having an IEP offers another protection to children and their parents. If there should be a behavior issue, the school cannot easily discipline, suspend, expel the student with an IEP, if the behavior is substantially related to the qualifying condition.

With this coach, you got a taste of what many parents and children have to go through. He got intimidated and backed off, who knows why. You mentioned your husband is his superior. Many times teachers do not back off. They scapegoat and can torment their students. The IEP means that if the child cannot learn in a regular setting, the school district must provide an alternative placement and pay whatever it costs to transport and educate the child.

My son received non public school placement, and was taken 45 minutes each way in a taxi cab. School district paid. I had to fight them every step of the way. But I won for a time. I pulled him out of the district when eventually the school district prevailed. In our case we had to get services as my son was being bullied by his peers and by the teachers! He was being racially bullied as well. I had no choice. You do.

You say your child is well-behaved and high-functioning and he certainly seems adorable. The likelihood is your son will not encounter serious problems. But you will remember, that you and he have important protections available to you, should you need them. If it were me I would have him evaluated and diagnosed, but I would not necessarily involve the school unless I had to. As long as things go well and he is treated with care. But I would be ready.

Any Children's hospital in a Metro area will have a Child Development Department. This is a team and your child would be evaluated by a neuropsychologist, child psychiatrist, possibly a speech and language therapist, child neurologist and social worker. This is where I took my own son. Alternatively, you could contact your insurance, and they should have names. All you should need is a referral from your primary care physician or pediatrician. I would tell this doctor about what happened, and go from there.

 

[Elsi]

I think an evaluation would be a good idea. Just make sure he’s on board. Go into it with a spirit of self discovery, not with the idea that there is something ‘wrong’ with him. You don’t want to put that into his head at this delicate age. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is a difference, not necessarily a disability. It brings challenges but also gifts. It does not sound like he has cognitive challenges or severe sensory issues, so there may not be much that he, you or the school need to do in the way of accommodations, except be aware of and respect his differences. And perhaps spend more time explicitly explaining and practicing social skills. (In the other thread here No One Understands My Child I talk about a wonderful boss who took the time to do this for me.)

It does run in families. My dad was considered extremely eccentric in our small community and looking back I see all the signs. He’s not here anymore to talk about this with, but I feel sure he would have qualified for a diagnosis if we had known about such things back then.

Perhaps just start exploring the idea together with your son and husband. Read some things. Visit the Wrong Planet website. See what resonates. See how he reacts. Aspergers is no longer considered a separate diagnosis, but there is still a large community of ‘Aspies’ who identify more with this label than the broader Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. You might also check out the Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Autism Speaks has some great resources , but be aware that there has been a lot of controversy over their approach and they have had a lot of backlash from people who actually are on the spectrum. (It is more geared towards parents, and probably more towards parents of lower functioning individuals.)

Good luck!

 

[Waking]

Your husband, who you say is similar, may be on the spectrum. It runs in families

I have spent the length our marriage discovering quirks and trying to help him deal with them. From the "not answering the waitress" to seemingly lack of empathy, his dominant know it all "this is the gospel truth" type explanations....it has been exhausting. I had NO IDEA this is what I was dealing with. Yet..yes, we are happily married and love each other but I wonder if it works because I am fiercely independent? Or I have constantly told him.."do this...say it this way instead..."

I just dropped DS3 off at school. We had a good conversation in the car about how we need to take responsibility for our own behavior and, as was said on this forum, "meet the world halfway". We had a chat about DS1 who is gifted, but was on ADHD medications from 2nd to 6th grade until he learned skills to function. He didn't have any other issues other than he just couldn't control his body. DS1 taught himself to fidgit quietly and not disruptively...took himself off medications because he "believed in his own power to control it" (I know its not always the case) and is now top of his AP classes, sucessful athlete...model kid. But I explained to DS3, that we never told DS1 that ADHD is an excuse to not try. We are very much a family of, you are responsible for yourself. I have to believe that's why my kids are successful so far.
DS3 said that he totally understood he is responsible for his behavior and he is also responsible for learning how he comes off to people. He did say that there is one boy in his school who has Tourette's. The boy openly tells kids that because of this diagnosis sometimes he just says whatever he wants because he can. DS3 said , well that is just stupid.
It is kids like this that really irritate him because he feels they are breaking a rule & purposely not trying to make themselves better. I told him only to worry about himself.

He got out of the car, told me he loved me and he would see me later then he walked away.

I burst into tears before I left the parking lot.

I suddenly feel like I have failed him. Could I have made his life any better or easier..any SOONER? How has he been coping and dealing with this on his own? What kind of a mother would chalk his quirks up to "just being DS3" "That's the way he is..." all because he is really smart and never gets into trouble! This feeling has to be "normal" for parents just coming into this discovery, right?

 

[Elsi]

Waking - don't beat yourself up, and don't panic! You don't even have a diagnosis yet. None of us here can diagnose your son over the internet, and we could be wrong. Being smart, successful in school and never getting into trouble are excellent reasons to not have ever felt the need to delve into this before.

This is something to explore and consider, not panic and feel bad over.

Recent research actually has suggested that ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) may be connected genetically, so its common to see both in families. But again, this is just a data point, a clue, not a diagnosis.

Your son may just have a few "Aspie traits" to be aware of that don't cause him any real trouble. Or he may be someone who would benefit from some interventions on the social skills side. There is a widely used quote "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." There is a WIDE range of possible behaviors and traits, not all shared by every individual. Some only have one or two traits, some have a whole bucket full. And there is wide variation in the degree to which they may impair someone, from "quite a bit" to "not at all". Getting a formal diagnosis may be helpful for your son, as it was for me, or he may resist the label or just feel it's not necessary.

You have not failed him. You have advocated for him repeatedly. You have helped him be self-aware and given him important tools for self-reliance and success. This is not failure, at all! A diagnosis, if you choose to pursue it, is just another frame to look at things through. It is not definitive. Your son is an individual, and overall he is doing great.

And remember that the very traits that make him different from his peers are also the traits that make him special, and are possibly the key to his greatest gifts. Aspies often think differently and excel in areas where neurotypical people often struggle.

Just as with ANY kid, your job is to help him discover his gifts and be the best he can be. It sounds like you're doing that. I think you're doing great.

 

[BusynMember]

He sounds like he has a mild case as does husband. The lack of empathy is probsbly not true. People with no empathy are psychopaths. Autistics tend to have stoic expresdions and do not know how to show emotions. Many dont know how. That is different than not feeling them. My autistic son is very empathetic and he can show his kindness. Every autistic is different.

I am suspecting that the poor kid with Tourettes cant control his out bursts and just said he.is doing it on purpose to make your son and others think that he has control over his tics but really does not. I had severe learning disabilities and if people asked me why I did poorly in school I lied and said "I just dont try." It wasnt the reason but I felt it was better that kids thought I didnt try than that I couldnt do the work. Back in the day, there was no help for kids like me.

We treated our autistoc son like his siblings but he was not as high fumctionong as your son and when he needed help, we got him help. Or we helped and showed him what to do. Period. We never told him he could do somethomg he didnt understand. He is doing great as an adult but he still needs some help.

For mamy autistics unless tjey are very high functioning just telling them they can do it does NOT work. I can not speak fof your child. You said you knew he was different. His coach was an a&& but he knows he is different. So it does show somewhat.

Unless he is a behavior problem, schools dont care. You have to decide if he could use therapy or social skills classes to teach him more "normal" ways of behaving. We had to. Our son was behind in these areas and too shy around people. He had panic attacks in crowds and could not handle loud noise. He still likes to be alone and thats okay but we gave him all we felt he needed. Consequently you must make that decision too. Or not.
You know your kid best.

Just dont berate your husband or son for being different. They are different but not in a bad way.

My son had no reaction to being told he was autistic. A neuropsychologist explained it well. To this day he is very cheerful, kind and comfortable in his skin. It doesnt bother him to be different. He is both my angel and my hero.

Again your son may do fine just being a little different and not social. So what? You have a fine young boy doing well and you should not be angry at yourself. The main thing is that HE feels good about himself and can shrug off his differences without inner pain. If you notice he struggles with people, in crowds with noise or textures or certain foods or feels badly about himself then you can make choices for possible interventions. Or not. Nothing you do will probably make him love a lotlof people at once or crowds. He will make friends, if a few that he picks carefully. My son can now handle most things. Your son in my opinion will.do.well and learn some adjustments. Help him where he needs it. Treat him like a normal person who has a few quirks. I personally think quirks are cool

Love and light to a great parent!

 

[Elsi]

This might be an interesting place to start: google ‘Aspie Quiz’ (for some reason it will not let me post here)

This is NOT a formal diagnosis - consider it for "edutainment" and exploration purposes only. But it IS research-based. (Ignore the poor design of the page - this is a self-built page by students and researchers, not a slick professional site.) You take the quiz (it takes a bit of time) and you get a visual that shows you how "Aspie" vs. "Neurotypical" you are on several scales, including perception, communication, relationships, cognition and social skills. Your visual will look a little like a spider web. And then it breaks down your scores in each area, showing whether you are more "Aspie-like" or more neurotypical. It might be fun to take this WITH your son and compare your scores - again, not in the sense that you're looking for something "wrong" with him, but in the spirit of hey-people-are-all-different-and-isnt-that-interesting.

People on the spectrum may have a great deal of empathy and simply not know how to show it appropriately. They can also appear unempathetic at times because they simply don't value the same things or think the same way as other people. I don't like small talk and don't see the point in it. I can be very transactional - I like to get to the point in things. It would not bother me at all to have someone walk past me and fail to say hello, for example - I would simply assume they have nothing specific to say to me in that moment, not that they are shunning me. But I've learned that social pleasantries are important to OTHER people, so I've learned to do them. I had to shift my perception (if there isn't anything specific to say right now why bother saying anything) to a neurotypical perception (people use these little transactions to demonstrate caring and build relationships, so they are important). I think I present fairly normal most of the time now! But I am sure there have been a lot of times I have been perceived as cold and uninterested when I am perceiving myself of being respectful of other people's space (by not interrupting them with a pointless greeting when they are doing something) or time (by skipping small talk and getting right to the point.)

 

[BusynMember]

Elsi you hit a nerve with me.

I have always had neurological differences that could not be labeled. I do have some spectrum trais such as face blindness (look it up maybe), social skills deficits (which is what my sister didnt understand about me) and trouble with loud noise, smells, etc. I was also very klutzy....many Aspies are. I also struggled in school with a verbal IQ of Superior. I can get confused and distracted easily

Elsi i never quite fit in to autism but I have a lot in common with it.

And I hate and dont understand and cant do small talk. Its Iike my tongue gets tied! I hate sitting at parties having to talk about trite things. I dont get it. I too have learned specific social niceties more for others than for me. But sometimes I forget to say them then later I am horrified that I messed up.

If someone didnt say hi to me I probably wouldnt notice. I can be very oblivious as I spend so much time in my own mind rather than the world around me. Dont know if you can relate to THAT. I am a very deep thinker and can miss things if I am, well, thinking lol. I have slways been different and very introspective.

Ok this is just a vent. But when somebody mentions small talk....I have enough trouble explaining myself while talking with NOT small talk!

It is frustrating. I do better in writing.

 

[Elsi]

Elsi you hit a nerve with me.

I have always had neurological differences that could not be labeled. I do have some spectrum trais such as face blindness (look it up maybe), social skills deficits (which is what my sister didnt understand about me) and trouble with loud noise, smells, etc. I was also very klutzy....many Aspies are. I also struggled in school with a verbal IQ of Superior.

Elsi i never quite fit in to autism but I have a lot in common with it.

And I hate and dont understand and cant do small talk. Its Iike my tongue gets tied! I hate sitting at parties having to talk about trite things. I dont get it.

Ok this is just a vent. But when somebody mentions small talk....I have enough trouble explaing myself while talking with NOT small talk!

It is frustrating. I do better in writing.

SWOT we have a lot in common! I share pretty much all of these traits with you, including the face blindness. (I have a lot of problems with movies and TV because of this - I have a terrible time telling people apart if they have similar coloring and haircuts! And forget it if people shave their beard or cut their hair or put on a mask halfway through. I'm always asking "hey, is that the same guy who did x two scenes ago? Also, I owe a lot of apologies to people I know who I failed to recognize in the grocery store or on the street. If you're out of context, and not family, I probably won't recognize you! Sorry!)

As you yourself have mentioned, there is no definitive blood test or scientific diagnostic for these things - it's all about provider perceptions. They are starting to find some brain differences for some things, but that science is still too young for definitive diagnostics, and how many of us have gotten an FMRI? E has what I consider Aspie TRAITS but did not qualify for a formal diagnosis, though she was diagnosed with ADHD. Spectrum disorders, by definition, don't have a clear cutoff, so providers use a "preponderance of evidence" model that looks at the overall picture and how many areas you fit the model in. Then they decide which side of the line they think you belong in. But in reality, there is no line - just a smooth curve. You might enjoy the Aspie quiz, too! You can explore where you fit on different metrics. Try taking it once with honest answers for where you are NOW, and once with your best guess based on your childhood self. And compare the two. It can be interesting.

My diagnosis was based on a lot of childhood stuff, much of which I have outgrown. If I walked in off the street with my current presentation, without the childhood context, I may not still qualify for diagnosis now, especially since they did away with Asperger's as a separate diagnosis. (I was placed as Asperger's, not Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), at the time because I had no language deficits or cognitive delays). As a kid, I was a toe-walker, a spinner, a hand-flapper. I did not engage with other children, though I did well talking to adults who indulged my interests. I had (still have) a lot of problems with motor coordination which I have since learned is a problem with knowing where your body parts are in space (proprioception). I was hopeless at sports, never learned to ride a bike or catch a ball. I still can't catch! This is an ongoing joke with my kids. I had (still have) a lot of sensory issues. I spent a few years basically dressing in muumuus (they were not a trend then) whenever I could get away with it because I couldn't stand the feel of anything tight against my skin. I would have preferred to be nude if it was socially acceptable. Now I wear pretty much all identical, loose-fitting flowey clothes that are thankfully much more acceptable now than they used to be - a summer wardrobe and a winter wardrobe. I still have problems with sensory overload with lots of visual stimulus or bright lights - I shut down in big stores. That's another reason I don't like movies - it's hard for me to process visual and auditory stimulus at the same time. I love books, podcasts, music and art, but not moving, talking pictures! It's too much. But I've largely either outgrown or learned to accommodate my social deficits. I'll never be a socialite but I don't think most people think of me as weird anymore, just perhaps a bit eccentric and set in my ways. I like my routine and don't leave the house a whole lot. But I've built a successful business and interact well with my clients and partners. They seem to like me OK. And I'm good with my work.

I don't know if I need the diagnosis now, so much as I needed it to make sense of my past. And become comfortable with who I am.

 

[BusynMember]

Elsi, wow. I never met anyone else with face blindness. Ever. It can be so embarassing. If sone ody changes a hair style, and the person is a close friend, I wont recognize the person! This actually happened!

Some of what you said is very like me. Some isnt. I love soft clothes but dont want to go nekkid...lol.

I used to get picked last for sports and have a real problem with directions, even right and left. I could never drive an Uber lol.

I am still uncomfortable around crowds of people who consider themselves sophisticated, less do with down home people. But if I am with people for more thsn a few hours I need a long break.

Like solitary pursuits.

I think I will take the test.

 

[Elsi]

I love soft clothes but dont want to go nekkid...lol.

Ha! I don't much anymore - but please call before stopping by!

I used to get picked last for sports and have a real problem with directions, even right and left

Yep. I used to hear "If we have to take her, we get to pick one extra player!" And I've always been famously bad with directions. My ex husband used to give directions to me not as east and west, or even left and right, but as "easy turn/hard turn" - as in "take an easy turn at the next street." E is like this, too - she was a band kid, and was always the one turning the wrong direction in those practice drills where they say "everyone turn to the right!" I'd look out at the field and think yep, that's my kid...

Martial arts actually did wonders for my physical coordination and directional awareness. The girls and I took classes for several years together. E got really into it and is a 4th degree blackbelt now. I finally did manage to pass my blackbelt test - I am the world's klutziest blackbelt. I would say all that practice brought me up to about average in my coordination and directional skills. It's been a few years and I probably can't do any of it anymore. But mother-daughter sword fights in the teen years are highly therapeutic. I recommend it.

But if I am with people for more thsn a few hours I need a long break.

3 hours is about my outer limit, even with family and people I really like. Being social is physically exhausting. I don't know how to separate Aspie-ness from plain old introversion here, though.

Waking, sorry to hijack your thread! I hope it's been informative, or at least somewhat entertaining.

 

[Waking]

Waking, sorry to hijack your thread! I hope it's been informative, or at least somewhat entertaining.[/QUOTE]

Oh my gosh, absolutely don't be sorry I am learning it and reading and smiling and nodding my head. I love this interaction. DS3 has a very flat affect. He can never spend more than 2 hours in any social situation. The one time he has ever been asked to spend the night at a friend's house, he asked me "do I have to?" I said no, but I thought he might be afraid of getting home sick. So we did a playdate and he actually told me, only a couple of hours okay? Like HE was accomodating ME.
He's grossly involved in his computer, he is teaching himself coding currently and does very well socially on his headset while playing his games. So, we didn't think he had any issues, just didn't like people in person. If that makes any sense.

My husband is very uncomfortable in social situations with people who consider themselves sophisticated as well.

In regards to sports, all of my boys are good athletes. But they always hyper-focus I guess. I have not mentioned DS2 who do I find the most unlike my other three children. If I have to label, he would be the most "normal." (Im not trying to be offensive and apologize if my wording is incorrect) He's the most like me. I guess you would call it neurotypical? DD1 is my youngest. She is social, smart, well behaved...but seems years older than her age. Jury still out there.

My husband was a semi-pro athlete who many people disliked because he is extremely excellent at the sport and very introverted and quiet so he comes off like a jerk who possibly is arrogant . But he is so not arrogant oh, I would call it socially awkward instead. He hyper focused so much on the sport that he excelled at it. He says for him this is where he felt comfortable. Not with the other kids or people, just with his own skill and belief in himself. He said every time he made a mistake he would analyze it and try to figure out something else to do so he wouldn't make that same mistake again. Very strong competitive drive. He was a handshake away from being a pro athlete. And he never told me about this(All b4 we met) but when I found out and asked why, his response was "because I didn't go pro so I didn't feel like it was a big deal to tell you." (I thought...thats strange, if it was such a huge part of your life)

So now we are at a time where his children are in the same sport. He was put in a position of power in the association because people DO know his history of his skill. People think he comes off like a know-it-all. he has said, " I'm not trying to seem like a know-it-all I'm just trying to share what I know." In actuality everybody recognizes that he is the best person for the job with the most knowledge and skill. I have heard the phrase, "He is a dick, but he knows what he is talking about." so I spend my time trying to help him to be more gentle....maybe this is why?

 

[BusynMember]

Elsie, in typical ME style I took the test and erased it lol. But I will try again.

After taking it the questions alone have convinced me I am an Aspie. I would fool the neuropsychs because I am friendly even though I tend to babble and not always make sense. But I come across as friendly, if a bit strange sometimes. Also long ago I learned to make eye contact although I hate it but I do it. Sometimes I deliberately blur my vision so that I cant see the eye contact as clear.

You know, my strange Aspieness, which can cause meltdowns, is probably why my family didnt like me. But I like me!!!!

I am sure I am an Aspie now. Dang! Now I have an excuse for being weird. Yààaaaaaaaay!

Weird rules! Being different never bothered me except when the kids teased me or my ex family called me "bad." But that was long ago. In general, this life has been a riot

 

[Elsi]

long ago I learned to make eye contact although I hate it but I do it. Sometimes I deliberately blur my vision so that I cant see the eye contact as clear.

I use the look-at-the-eyebrows method. People don’t notice.

Did you find the quiz that gives you the spiderweb graphic? For some reason the site won’t let me post it here - I think it doesn’t like it because it has a php ending to the url (I think it is built is Apache or something). So i get a huge ‘you have been blocked’ warming when I try to post. There are about 200 questions I think. And I think you agree to let them use your answers for research purposes. I took it for the first time about 10 years ago and again last year to see how I’m changing over time.

People think he comes off like a know-it-all. he has said, " I'm not trying to seem like a know-it-all I'm just trying to share what I know." In actuality everybody recognizes that he is the best person for the job with the most knowledge and skill. I have heard the phrase, "He is a dick, but he knows what he is talking about." so I spend my time trying to help him to be more gentle....maybe this is why?

This is an area where men and women tend to have different outcomes, from what I’ve read. Women seem to be more likely to ‘outgrow’ (or learn to mask) social deficits. That’s been my experience personally. It’s not clear if it is a brain difference or a socialization difference. Or even just a perception difference. In general, girls seem to come off more on the shy/timid side and boys seem to come off more on the arrogant/a**hole side.

My guess is you are surrounded by Aspies!

 

[BusynMember]

Do you have another link? Yay I got the Spider.

 

[BusynMember]

I did not outgrow the social aspect. Im not really shy but can be very tongue tied sbout what to say. So I say too much or nothing at all. At one time we were planning a forum get together and it was my idea but I was worried about going. But the idea fizxled out when it came time to make plans for real. So it didnt happen.

I have to think very hard when first meeting most.people. And I talk too much and too fast sometimes. At the same time I can listen well if someone is hurtong and have overwhelming empathy. I am so strange!

I think I have a bad case of it but dang it I am myself and I accept me and its fun to have an umusual but funny sense of humor and wild imagination. And if I had to live alone, I could. I dont need people so much.

 

[Elsi]

I did not outgrow the social aspect. Im not really shy but can be very tongue tied sbout what to say. So I say too much or nothing at all. At one time we were planning a forum get together and it was my idea but I was worried about going. But the idea fizxled out when it came time to make plans for real. So it didnt happen.

I have to think very hard when first meeting most.people. And I talk too much and too fast sometimes. At the same time I can listen well if someone is hurtong and have overwhelming empathy. I am so strange!

I think I have a bad case of it but dang it I am myself and I accept me and its fun to have an umusual but funny sense of humor and wild imagination. And if I had to live alone, I could. I dont need people so much.

When I say I've outgrown social issues, I don't necessarily mean I like or need to be around people more - only that I fit in better when I am around people. I've pretty well mastered the skills, I think. But I could be perfectly happy living alone, and even within my great relationship, I need a lot of alone time (she does too, so it works). I work from home, and often go a whole week or more without actually leaving my property or seeing anyone except R. I'm not lonely. I will certainly never be a party animal! (But if you're having an animal party, I'm down for that...I relate a whole lot better to animals than people!)

As far as being tongue tied goes, one of the things my wonderful boss made me do was join Toastmasters. I hated it. It was excruciating. But it worked. In addition to formal speaking, they do something called table topics, where you are given a random topic and then just told to riff on it for three minutes. Or debate it. I never enjoyed the process, but I DID get better. Just like my abysmal motor skills got better doing martial arts. We can all get better at anything we practice, even if it's not something that comes naturally. We may not ever be GREAT at things that go against our core wiring, but we can get better!

I've also learned it's a whole lot easier to ask people questions about themselves than worry about what to say. Most people love talking about themselves, so if you do that, they don't really notice you're not talking!

Now I have an excuse for being weird. Yààaaaaaaaay!

I hereby give you permission to be as weird as you want to be, with or without a label! I've come to the conclusion that we're pretty much ALL weird in some ways. Some of us just more noticeably than others.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Sounds a lot like my older son when he was that age. We never got a diagnosis but after having my second child and watching him develop and how he interacts with his peers there is not a doubt in my mind. My son never played sports after tball in kindergarten because he could not figure out how to be a part of team. The interaction with other kids in the competetitive arena was just wayyyy too confusing for him. He would mistake cheering him on with yelling at him. He did do martial arts for a couple of years and that was very much the same.

 

[ahhjeez]

SWOT my son has prosopagnosia. He would identify my mom by her hair. When he was little we couldn't understand why he would get so upset when she changed her hair. Both my husband and son are on the spectrum. Both appear to show very little empathy, but feel intensely. There seems to be a disconnect between what they are feeling and what appears on their face/expressions. My son not as bad as his dad. I on the other hand, have an extremely difficult time keeping my feelings off my face. LOL.

Waking, your husband sounds so much like mine. I am also pretty independent and have a tendency towards needing to control everything. Which fortunately seems to have worked out in my little family. My husband and son have much difficulty in social situations and are very, very uncomfortable so they are quite happy when I am the "face/voice" of the family when we are out. My son also had a ton of sensory issues and he has an incredibly sensitive sense of smell and hearing. Both get overwhelmed by trying to do more than one thing at once so we have made many accomodations for both.

Please don't feel like you have failed your son. You absolutely haven't. You've been his advocate. You seem like a wonderful, caring mom. ♥