Just venting....

[RN0441]

I think a lot of us here (me! me!) would be fine with a little weed IF they were living a normal life otherwise. I wish that was the only problem.

After what I've been through I wouldn't let him do it in the house either but maybe in the garage.

It doesn't really matter because it's not an option for us.

I agree, you must follow through on your threats so you must be careful what you threaten so you CAN!

 

[susiestar]

I agree that calm makes a much bigger impact. Our kids expect us to yell and order and threaten and bluster in loud voices. They don't expect us to be calm and to tell them how it is going to be. Or to disengage when they start lying to us or becoming abusive.

When we stay calm, or we disengage from abuse, it is changing the existing patterns of behavior. This upsets people greatly. Expect him to ramp up his bad behavior for a while in an attempt to get you to revert to your previous excitable behavior. Don't give in. Stay calm. Stick to whatever you have decided to do for consequences and just don't give him that excitable reaction.

You mentioned having not identified what you were feeling as anger. I completely know what you meant. I spent many years being unable to identify anger when I felt it unless it was an absolute out of control rage. One book helped me understand some of the reasons for that. You might find it interesting: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph. D. Another book helped me control my anger more than this did, but this was great in helping me understand a lot of the why's behind why I couldn't identify my own anger. I need to know the why's before I consider a problem fully solved.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

I think a lot of us here (me! me!) would be fine with a little weed IF they were living a normal life otherwise. I wish that was the only problem.

After what I've been through I wouldn't let him do it in the house either but maybe in the garage.

It doesn't really matter because it's not an option for us.

I agree, you must follow through on your threats so you must be careful what you threaten so you CAN!

He quit his job so the last couple days when he could have been actively looking for work he was screwing around getting stoned he did do his laundry and cleaned his room but that is about it. Now the weather is going to be bad for a couple of days so he won’t be doing much job hunting in this mess. If he make other things his top priority I may not have so much of a problem with it but clearly it is getting in the way.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

I agree that calm makes a much bigger impact. Our kids expect us to yell and order and threaten and bluster in loud voices. They don't expect us to be calm and to tell them how it is going to be. Or to disengage when they start lying to us or becoming abusive.

When we stay calm, or we disengage from abuse, it is changing the existing patterns of behavior. This upsets people greatly. Expect him to ramp up his bad behavior for a while in an attempt to get you to revert to your previous excitable behavior. Don't give in. Stay calm. Stick to whatever you have decided to do for consequences and just don't give him that excitable reaction.

You mentioned having not identified what you were feeling as anger. I completely know what you meant. I spent many years being unable to identify anger when I felt it unless it was an absolute out of control rage. One book helped me understand some of the reasons for that. You might find it interesting: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph. D. Another book helped me control my anger more than this did, but this was great in helping me understand a lot of the why's behind why I couldn't identify my own anger. I need to know the why's before I consider a problem fully solved.[/QUOTE
Ill have to check out that book.

 

[RN0441]

I think we feel a lot of resentment as well.

Why wouldn't we? We want so much for them and we give them chance after chance and they go back on their word time and time again and lie right to our face.

They are addicts.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

I think we feel a lot of resentment as well.

Why wouldn't we? We want so much for them and we give them chance after chance and they go back on their word time and time again and lie right to our face.

They are addicts.

Oh resentment is eating me alive right now. It’s festering in my gut I can feel it. I know it isn’t good for me and I feel like things are getting ready to come to a head so to speak. Even before he ever started messing with pot he was difficult, tantrums and arguing with me from the time he could talk and I’m just ready for this part of my life to be over. If you know so much then why don’t you get the hell out of here and put it to good use, you know? It’s like I have had a rotten teenager since he was 3, that is a lonnnng time.

 

[Enmeshedmom]

I just realized how mean I sound when I say rotten teenager. He has a lot of good qualities too.