I told middle daughter that's fine. But if she wants back in my life she will have to make an effort.
Welcome back!
I don't think anybody can help you with this decision. Why? Because we are all of us different and so are our children. I remember you well. I remember you married a nice man and I went back to your first post, and I was reminded of how much you loved and worried about your baby grandson, the youngest child of the daughter in question. I can't speak to that, because I am not a grandmother. I think that has to be the hardest of things, to be so vulnerable to the actions of an irresponsible daughter, who may not be an adequate parent, let alone that she does not treat you well.
Like you I have an adult child who is mentally ill.
I will tell you what is happening for me. Let me stress again, that my situation is very different than yours. But, I have felt for years exactly the same as you. I could not bear interacting with my son. The police had been here so many times. Once or twice he pushed in my door and I was traumatized. Still I won't let him come over here to my house unless he is accompanied by my ex.
So. I decided to be the one to change. I began to call my son everyday. I don't ask for anything. There are no conditions. It's only talking. I end each call with "I love you." Now he is ending calls that way too. I am finding that several things are happening. One he is seeing that change has to come from HIM. It's baby steps. The other thing is that he is acting way more stable and balanced. He is not being a drama queen. He is no longer acting so weird. My unconditional presence (by phone) seems stabilizing to him. And it is stabilizing for me, too.
He has asked to come to my house. I say no. I may soon think about meeting him in a public place, but I am afraid. Not of what he will do but that it will trigger me.
Make of what I write, as you will. Others will have entirely different takes. I'm not suggesting that mine has any merit or that it will continue to be healing, but for now it is greatly healing for me. I want my son in my life.
