Kicked my 23 yr. old son out - was I wrong?

[SeaGenieTx]

I swear you guys have literally saved my life. I have read and -re-read ALL your responses and cannot thank you all for taking the time to share your comments and stories. Huge hug to all of you. I have had the hardest time just realizing that kicking him out - he is gone. I havent had a chance to get a locksmith to come to my home yet so I set booby traps. Sure enough my son came home while I was at work, picked up some clothes and left. He has zero remorse, seems to be having a good time and could care less if I am dead or alive. My only son..doing this to me. Its the worst pain and betrayal I have ever felt. I woke up last night having a panic attack thinking he will end up dead, wondering what he is doing for food (he has no money or job) and is he sleeping in a drug den or couch hopping... I got desperate and texted his ex girlfriend who broke up with him 2 weeks ago. She said she could see in SnapChat that he was with this friend of his (Ashley the enabler 25 yr old girl) and they drove to San Antonio. We live in Houston. So at least I knew where he went. She texts me "I think it messed him up when I broke up with him but I couldnt handle his verbal abuse anymore". I cant blame her.

Here is what Im battling in my mind... how is he managing when he has NO money? The girl he is living with has no money or job and does drugs. I have no clue where she lives but his exgirlfriend at least gave me this girls cell phone #.

I can see him on Instagram and Facebook but hes private on both. I made a fake Instagram but he declined my follow. No way he can tell its me I set it up and connected to a bunch of his friends so maybe they will post clues every now and then.

My son has been my life for the past 23 years. He is all Ive got and now that he is gone Im lost. I wanted him to move out and launch but on good terms - not this. This has literally devistated me. My only child turned on me and could care less. I fear the worst but I cannot give in. I cry wanting to talk to him to see if he is ok but that will just show him I am weak and he will continue to manipulate me. I am having the locks changed - waiting on locksmith to set a time.

My heart is broken and I feel like someone has ripped my guts out. I have lost everyone and always thought my son and I would always remain strong but he has betrayed me and Im heartbroken. I just cant get over how he could care less about me and his beloved cat. He worshipped his cat (who is 15 yrs old and wont be around much longer)...now he doesnt even miss his cat.

I want to start clearing things out of his pig stye room but its like I death - I just cant deal with that right now - too emotional. Ive got to get my locks changed.

Im so sad - I kid you not its like a death. I go from being angry to panic of wanting to call him to telling myself NO - stick to my guns, then I dream & pray that he will come around and straighten up, want to repair our relationship....

I am one sad mom - its so hard to put on a smile at work and pretend this isnt happening. Im crushed. All I did for my son, all the other loss Ive endured (husband and entire family)... and this is what I get.

 

[Tanya M]

Hugs to you SeaGenie!!

My son is also my one and only. He's 33 and I do not have a relationship of any value with him. The only time he contacts me is when he wants something. I understand the emotions you are going through, I've been there. You will get through this!!!

I would suggest you limit how much you are trying to "track" him. You are expending precious energy that will gain you nothing. I know how hard it is to not know but sometimes knowing is worse. Trust me on this.

Have you ever lost a loved one? There is a greiving process that follows. The same is true when our difficult adult children walk out of our lives. There is a process of letting go of detaching. Cleaning out his room will be painful but it will help you to let go. It doesn't mean that you have to throw away all of his things, it simply means you are closing this chapter in your life, a very painful chapter.
You will not be successful with this unless you dial back your contact and "tracking" him. Gone is the little boy who you had hopes and dreams for. He is an adult, forging his own path, making his own choices whether good or bad.

These difficult children of ours are very resourceful, they always manage to find food to eat and a place to sleep.

You have done all you can. It's time to take YOUR life back. Do not define your existence of being his mom for the past 23 years. You are more than that!! Consuming yourself with worry about him will only keep you stuck. Don't allow him to hold your emotions hostage. Each day do something just for yourself. Dig deep within yourself, find the new you. What hobbies have you always wanted to do? Volunteer somewhere. Find other ways to fill your time and occupy your mind. Close this chapter and start writing a new one.

While it is extremely difficult to go through what we all have it does not have to devistate us unless we allow it to.

There are many here who have been exactly where you are now. We survived the pain!! We have gone onto living a new life that is filled with love and joy. It takes time and work but it is possible.

Hang in there, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Tanya M - THANK YOU!!!! I am so sorry you and I are in the same "my only son" club. You are right. I need to accept this and detach. Its so hard but I have to take care of myself. I am 52, working at a job I cant stand with a boss who treats me like a child... maybe this is my chance to change my life and do what makes ME happy. Im only responsible for myself now. Thank you - this forum is literally saving me from falling apart. Ive buried a husband,bith parents and my two older brothers and have survived that grief. At least my son is not dead so Im thankful for that. All I can do is hope for better days and pray for his safety. Never felt so alone in my life but thank God for you and everyone else on here - this forum is my lifeline right now. God bless you all and THANK YOU so much.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

How do I fight the urge to get ahold of him to see if he is ok???I keep getting these panic attacks like I will never seen him again - ever?. Help!

 

[BusynMember]

He's alive or you'd have heard something. If you ask is he all right, well, maybe it helps to remember that you know EXACTLY how he is.As long as he is using drugs, even if he sits across from you, you are not seeing the real person he is. He is somebody else. As for his well being...except for the drugs...

He's eating. Even homeless people have many places that feed them and there is a big community of homeless, most who have worn everyone--family and friends out--and are kind of like one big dysfunctional functional family...they help each other know where/when the meals are served, for example. Salvation Army offers clothing too. On the other hand, your son has things. He obviously is not totally broke. He has a smart phone and the internet. I'm sure his squeeze has blankets. He isn't going to get hurt from anything other than drugs and that is out of your control. He isn't going to tell you he's not all right. So why bother to ask?

You did what I did and made your child your entire life. You breathed with him. I did this with my kids. Then one of the kids we adopted at an older age decided to leave our family and never speak to us again. Nothing big even happened. It was a little thing that most people get over in less than a week. It's been eight years. When that happened I realized that my kids, all of them, are seperate from me and they can't be my life because they are not me. And I figured I'd better change my attitude or I'd be miserable forever if they moved away or got angry or anything else. And I also realized that they were more apt to be burdened by me, rather than see me as somebody fun to be with, if I intruded into their lives all the time, which I'd done when they were very young. So some good came from the bad and it can be that way for you too.

You will grieve.

After that, you will finally accept whatever place you are at with your son and whatever place HE has put himself in. YOU are within your control. Your son is not within your control. It's a wonderful time to start doing things for yourself and your loved ones who treat you right...a vacation? A new hobby? A night out with the girls? Your life will never be happy if it is all about other people. Nobody else can make you happy b ut you. I had to learn the hard way. I also learned that nobody can make me sad but myself too. We don't have to flog ourselves with non-stop, everlasting angst over anything. If we do, it does not help the person we are upset about and it hurts us and our loved ones who want to see us laughing again.

 

[2much2recover]

"How do I fight the urge to get a hold of him to see if he is OK???I keep getting these panic attacks like I will never seen him again - ever?. Help"
Sorry quote not working: You get through it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. AND keep posting, we will get you through this!


Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...on-out-was-i-wrong.59672/page-2#ixzz3RTkk9vND

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you - I will post here before I try contacting him. You guys are right!

 

[Tanya M]

How do I fight the urge to get ahold of him to see if he is ok???I keep getting these panic attacks like I will never seen him again - ever?. Help

It takes time. It's easier for me because I have been dealing with this for years. I will occasionally look at his FB page and I never learn anything new, it's always just more of the same. You will never stop "worrying" about him but you will get to a point that it does not consume your thoughts. You will get to a place of acceptance but to get there you have to detach. You just have to keep reminding yourself that he's an adult, you have no control over him.
When you feel a panic attack coming on close your eyes and focus on your breathing, slow deep breaths, it really does help.
You will hear from him again I have no doubt but prepare yourself as it most likely will not be a phone call to say "Hi Mom, I've been thinking about you and want to know how you're doing" more like "Hi Mom, I'm in trouble and need money"
I only hear from my son when he wants something. I don't remember the last time he expressed any concern for me or my husband.

maybe this is my chance to change my life and do what makes ME happy. Im only responsible for myself now.

Yes, it is your time now. You have every right to focus on your life.

 

[BusynMember]

You know, when my son who left our family first did it, I thought of going for grief counseling. It felt very much like a death. And it's weird, but I did go through all the stages, including acceptance. Maybe some professional help or a group, like Al-Anon, would help you a lot. I felt funny going to an actual grief group...for some reason, there are no groups like that for those who are not grieving the death of somebody. The loss of a relationship is just as bad or worse, in my opinion.

Hoping you can stay strong!!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

I know its like a sudden death which Ive experienced when my husband died two months after my son was born. And lost all of my family too. But my son, this is excruciating pain because he does not care. He just posted a new picture on Facebook and he is holding a beer and he is high as a kite or just wasted. He is smiling. So while Im dying he is getting wasted. Ive lost everyone and if I get the call he was found dead - I will not survive. Im already beaten down from losing a husband, my parents and oldest brother (to cancer) and my other brother to alcoholism. He is all Ive got and now Ive lost him. Im not in a good place - Im alone, lonely & distraught. I cant tell people I work with anything and my two friends dont offer support.

 

[BusynMember]

SeeGenieTx, YES! We are dying inside and they don't even care. But that's the way it is. Did they EVER care? I don't think my ex-son, as I call him sarcastically, ever cared. We adopted him at six and he just did not attach to us the way the other kids did, although I loved him as if I'd given birth again. It's not fair, is it?

I hardly have any DNA family and those who exist are so awful I don't even talk to them so my support system is simply my husband and my other children and the people on this board. I don't talk about my son to others anyway. Well, my therapist...that's it. I'd rather not have rumors start to fly.

I forgot to suggest you forget looking at his FB. See, it didn't tell you anything you don't already know about him and often our little honeys love to put nasty stuff on FB just for us, usually about how terrible we are as human beings. Sometimes they will post "I'm starving and have no money, but my *^&% mom doesn't care." It's not true. None of them are hungry. Hunger isn't a big problem even on the streets, as there are many ways to eat and sources of food. And trust me somehow the homeless population, which he isn't a part of yet, find the money to fund their cigarette habits and their dope. Even if they do t illegally, they get money. Some beg. Some steal. Some con. There are things you just don't ever need to know, Know what I mean?? I suggest be careful about reading and answering texts from him and try not to look at FB. Again, if anything fatal happens to him, you are his mother and will be notified. You don't need FB to verify that he is screwing up, but that he is alive..

Hugs and more hugs for your poor hurting heart. I know how it feels, but we have a life to live anyway and we have to go on and learn to be happy. And we can!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Ok I deleted Facebook and Instagram - wont stalk him anymore - promise! Doesnt help just makes it worse. I think he did that just to show me. Ok Im going to grieve and get it out of my system, pick myself up and plan my future. Im going to join a gym so I have a place to go to after work to relieve stress, Im going to lose weight and get out and meet new people. I have to survive this crap and enjoy the rest of my life. Thank you for the hugs. xoxo

 

[2much2recover]

Sea genie, you are panicking and guess what? You are going to survive it. It sounds like you have far more than your fair share of grief- so I don't blame you one bit for freaking when you don't know where your son is. You have experienced a lot of trauma through unfortunate loss of beloved family member's and it must be really scary to be on your own. Perhaps this is why the separation between you and your son is hitting you so hard. You, for one, no how much it hurts to truly lose someone. I'm going to hit you with something funny: these troubled kids are like cockroaches, it is really hard to get rid of them! [emoji12]. Do begin your new life because sure as rain ( or snow LOL) falls, your son is going to be right back to annoying you - the moment he gets " bored" or out of money [emoji16]
Hope you feel better soon!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

LOL thank u 2much2recover - troubled kids = cockroaches - so true. What you said is right - it would be easier if I had someone close to lean on but I dont and that has made me realize - boy do I need to make some new friends and start dating. Being alone -I usually enjoy it but this has been a wake up call to get out there and get a life! Im 52 and.not getting younger. I need at least one person to rely on when Im old. I dont want to be a LifeAlert lady. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, that does it!

You are now a member of Match.com....KIDDING!!!! haha. But it's not a bad idea!

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Or MidwestMom - what is the one ...Single Farmers.com? LOL! A man with some land sounds good!

 

[2much2recover]

Try: www.meetup.com They offer all types of group activities and get togethers with people who have the same hobbies and social life. (Not a dating site) Most are very low cost or no cost.

 

[Tanya M]

Quote:
"Ok Im going to grieve and get it out of my system, pick myself up and plan my future. Im going to join a gym so I have a place to go to after work to relieve stress, Im going to lose weight and get out and meet new people. I have to survive this crap and enjoy the rest of my life."

SeaGenie, What you said is spot on!! Hold onto these thoughts. Write them down and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Also, put some positive affirmations on your bathroom mirror.
"I am worth it" "I am a survivor" "I matter" "My life will have joy in it"
Part of changing our lives has to do with changing our thought process. If we go around saying things like "my life sucks" all the time then it will but if we change that to "my life has endless possibilites" it opens up opportunities.

You have survived an enormous amount of pain. Death of loved ones is really hard. When my mom died I experienced such a deep pain that cut me to my soul. I learned an important lesson, to embrace the pain as it was a testimony of the love I will always have for her. There is a difference between embracing the pain and letting it consume you. When you "embrace" something you are in control, you are the one holding it. When you let something "consume" you it's like a fire that destroys.
I have also lost other loved ones. I carry their love in my heart, I cherish their memory and am grateful for having been blessed to have them in my life.

You are doing GREAT!!!!

((HUGS)) to you..........

 

[Second Time Around]

Sea Genie, It is like grieving when someone dies and that's a really rough process to go through. But you've made it through before and you can do this. My first husband died from cancer 20 years ago. He got the diagnosis that he had late stage cancer that was all over his body. In a month he was gone. Our son was 4 1/2. It was really tough. There were times when I felt like I was in the bottom of a deep, dark well - that I was totally alone in the universe. I barely managed to function in my job for the first 3-4 months. My brain was in a fog and I could hardly think. But through it all, I kept telling myself over and over that it would get better and I would be ok again. It's so important not to give up. I kept going and tried to do things that I thought I would enjoy and that kept me busy. I saw a therapist regularly. One day I laughed and realized that I was enjoying myself momentarily. Gradually there were more and more of those times until I felt like myself again on a consistent basis. It's been 20 years, but I still occasionally have moments when something strikes me a certain way and I feel that pang of grief. But then I'm ok again. You can do this. You're a survivor. Don't forget that.

It's really important to keep telling yourself you can make it and to pick yourself back up when you fall into the grief. It's part of the process and it's normal. Keep doing things that make you feel good - exercise is good, watch a funny movie, join a book club or a cooking club or whatever interests you. And post here as often as you need to. I've only recently started posting, but I've been reading this forum for 5 years to help me cope with my step-son's issues and it's been so helpful.

We're all joking about dating sites, but my advice is not to look for a partner when you're feeling lonely. Get yourself in a good place so you feel whole and happy and then you'll be able to find a partner who's a good fit for you. If you try to do that when you're desperately unhappy, you're likely to attract someone who will make your life more unhappy in the long run.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you so much Second Time Around. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I started today, doing something for myself.

My entire life I have bought purses from Sears, WalMart or Target. Cheap and plain ones. Well today I bought my dream purse - a real leather Michael Kors shoulder bag. I tried on every purse in Macys before I settled on the perfect one. I now own a nice purse. I got it home and almost didnt unwrap it and thought of taking it back because it was expensive. Then I said "Oh hell no" and ripped off the tissue inside and outside, emptied out my old purse and put everything into the new one, looked at it and told myself "Happy Valentines Day to ME". I felt bad putting my old purse in the trash - but it was in sad shape. I thought - thats the old me, worn, tired, falling apart... My new purse represents the new me - strong, solid, confident and Im worth it. And every day I will carry my new purse with me and look at knowing all I did for everyone else all these years - I finally did something nice for myself. Finally! Me and this purse are gonna grow old together. I cant splurge like this all the time so me and Michael Kors are going to bond and be together for a long time. Cheers to me. #Fancy! Lol.