Kinda big news here...

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
It looks to me like you've done everything possible to assist your difficult child in a positive way, but difficult child has major issues which take precedence in her life right now. Her boyfriend issue, drugs, attitude, mental state ---all of those things taken into consideration will prevent her from functioning like a normal adult right now.
You can offer help in the form of treatment, etc., but if she refuses, you can do nothing else but take care of yourself and the rest of your family. That is your primary responsibility at the moment. It makes no sense to a sensible person why someone would willfully destroy themselves, and as a parent, it's pitiful to watch and do nothing. However, you must acknowledge, for your own well being, that you've done EVERYTHING, and she must step up, or let the chips fall where they may. Oppositional people don't like to be asked or encouraged, or God forbid TOLD to do something - they think that freedom means they have the right to do what they want, whenever they want. As someone previously said in another post, it's easier to detach when they're being so horrible. I'm so sorry for your trouble.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh PG I am sorry it did not work out. I am not really surprised because your difficult child sounds a lot like mine and that is what they do. Yes it is time for you to detach.... I am in that process as well. I think detaching is a process and you don't have to do it all at once. I don't think it is an all or nothing thing. I think the biggest step is to make a committment to yourself that you will somehow move on with your life and stop obsessing about your difficult child. I know all too well how hard this is. So find some things that are GOOD for you. Are you going to some kind of parents support group? I think you are but I can't remember... if not find one asap. My alanon meeting has been a huge gift to me.

Repeat the serenity prayer over and over in your mind... especially the part about "Grant me to accept the things I cannot change". You can't change your difficult child... it has to come from her. You have done everything, there is nothing more you can do.

I know for me I do not want to cut all contact with my difficult child... so I do answer his calls... but lol I am at the point where I am relieved not to get any because when he calls he wants something so it is good to not hear from him. But for me detaching is going on and enjoying life no matter what he is doing. I am making progress in this. I am again focused at work. I get obsessed here and there when something happens but now the obsession lasts a couple of hours instead of for days or weeks. I check phone records here and there to make sure he is alive but instead of several times a day it is every couple of days.

So as they say in AA Progress not perfection.... you don't have to be completely detached all at once but takes steps in that direction.

Hugs - this is such a hard journey for us parents!

TL

 

[Signorina]

It is not good for my job since I cannot focus and concentrate and it is not good for my husband because I just sit there and worry about difficult child all of the time. UGH. How do you take that step of removing yourself from them completely?

You do it like you eat an elephant-1 bite (step) at a time. Just keep say no or say nothing at all when she asks . When she rages or pushes your buttons, do not engage--walk away, hang up the phone. Practice our list of phrases to detach. I have them on my phone--just in case-for easy reference. You can't change her, you have to change your reaction. YES-IT HOOVERS.

Sometimes -I have to remember that the choice I want (a decent relationship w a decent son) is NOT available. Simply not on the table. And I cant make one happen by will. Trust me, I've tried everything and it's an exercise in futility. And the more we dance for them, the more they use us and the worse WE feel. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. And you have a delightful son watching -whom you have to finish raising too. When you detach, you empower
yourself and you let your easy child know he doesn't have to put up with this either. I am finally starting to see my pcs relax and have fun more freely. Thats been the best reward. {{{hugs}}}

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My friend just called and we had a long talk. She doesn't want to throw difficult child out, yet. She wants to give her a chance. She also finally told me the truth about her past usage. She used every weekend for a year with a boyfriend. I had no idea she used that much - she told me she only tried it a few times but could see how someone could get addicted. Ugh. Makes sense how she lost SO much weight. So she said next week was "go" time and she was going to work difficult child like a dog at work. She then got a call when we were on the phone, said OMG can I call you back and I haven't heard back from her. I thought maybe it was difficult child calling...either way, difficult child is an adult and needs to work out her own problems...

And difficult child said again to her yesterday that I chose my husband over her. That burns me. I have told her over and over that I didn't make any choice - she chose a life of drugs and crime.

Oh and another lovely tidbit - difficult child told my friend how she steals cars - even told her how to do it. I think I am going to be sick. My friend says if difficult child stays on this path, she will end up in jail. And I can silently only hope for that...

I love my friend for trying to help her, but calling me and giving me every detail is definitely not helping me.

 

[Nancy]

PG I know it's hard but you have to pull back. You have to let her fall on her own and not be there for every crisis she goes through. You are right that your friend is not helping by giving you all the details. As long as you are there for difficult child to yell at she thinks she has you to fall back on. She has to stand or fall on her own. I honestly would stop answering the phone when she calls. Let her leave a message and that will give you time to decide what to do.

I'm so sorry she is spiraling out of control. I know how helpless you feel but I have leanrned finally that I can't catch her anymore and every time I help her it keeps her from helping herself.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Nancy, I know you are SO right. It is an ossession in every sense of the word. I hate it.

Friend called last night and told me that she and difficult child pressed the reset button. She told difficult child that the apartment was her home until she decided it wasn't anymore or got her own place (I do not agree that she should have said that to her AT ALL). Anyway, they are planning on sitting down and having a talk about how to be a roommate. difficult child has been living with drug addicts, thiefs and losers. I don't think she knows roommate etiquette. She also told difficult child that she was going to work her so much next week that she is going to be way too tired to take her happy little butt anywhere.

The positive and good news is that difficult child showed up for work yesterday morning and this morning - early even. So, hopefully, she will get into the routine of going to work every day and then coming home too tired to do anything else...hopefully once she earns a paycheck, she will get addicted to earning that paycheck!

But, you are right, I need to bow out and let things fall as they may.

 

[exhausted]

Hang in there PG. This is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy when you had her home and it won't be easy for your friend. I think work is a good thing and she needs all the positives she can get. Boredom is a killer. I hope she will be responsive to rules in he new home.