H2H, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. I reread a bit of your posts from February and see that you have given your son an opportunity to get on his feet and abide by your rules, to which he is not.
He probably doesn’t feel he has a problem to begin with. That’s how my two were.
The good thing for your son is that he is working, so he should be able to find a place. Paying more rent and bills will definitely affect his pot funds. He is telling you by his actions that he will live life his way, and you are giving him his wings to fly on his own and be responsible for his choices.
I don’t look at this as kicking him out, your house, your rules. He won’t abide by them. Our homes are not some cheap motel where our adult kids just come and go as they please, without conversation, lacking a “family” environment. That’s a young adult feeling entitled to do whatever they please without regard and respect for parents. In this day and age, many families double up, but I believe that it needs to be a respectful, reciprocal arrangement.
It was the same for us, and my two. Your sons avoidance of you is classic. My two were the same. It is a silent declaration, that they will do as they please. They don’t want to listen to what we have to say. Like we are “nagging” at them. Rules are rules, my two did not want to hear them, or abide by them, so they were conveniently not available. That’s passive aggressive. For us, it went from that, to darn right moodiness, refusal to help around the house, constant partying, lying and eventually stealing from us. We were like deer in the headlights, gave chance after chance. It was a nightmare.
Sadly, we fully expect him to reject this last chance. He is in full denial that his life is a mess. I am bracing myself for the inevitable eviction day....I hope we won't need to involve the police. I don't feel like this is "tough love" ....just complete love. I can no longer support or be a witness to his spiraling life choices.
You are doing the right thing. Have you looked into your States eviction laws? In some areas, even though these are our adult children, there is a process to go through. I am sorry it has come to this, but I agree with your thought that this is complete love, not only for your son, but for you, your husband and your home. At 21, he is legally an adult, though maybe not
emotionally one. Some people mature faster than others. I feel that drug use impedes growth, my two seem to be stuck at 15.
They know everything.
How the heck is anyone going to tell a 21 year old who’s bent on living their lives
their way, what to do?
Some adult kids respond to leaving the nest and change, many will tell you their kids got better on their own, having to be more responsible and learning from the consequences of their choices. I hope this is the case for your son.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t for my two. They stumbled and floundered and our home had this “revolving” door, they would come back, more of the same old same old, we would push them out. That cycled on for a few years before I realized that they were looking for a roof and three squares so they could continue as is.
Rinse, repeat.
With this in mind, it is really, really important that you take time to focus on you, on rebuilding yourself. Looking back, I didn’t realize the toll all of this took on me. It is a hard road to travel when our kids go off the rails.
My focus was so intent on finding solutions for my two, I had whittled self care down to almost nil. I was numb to what the stress was doing to me. It wasn’t evident to me at the time, but I think it is almost a given when parents are faced with this. Build your toolbox in the way of seeking counseling for yourself, reading and attending Al Anon, if needed.
I am hoping that liberating your son from your household will help him learn from the consequences of his choices.
In the meantime, switch focus to what you can control. That is your reaction to your sons choices and your spiritual, emotional and all around well being.
Self care is what we wish for our adult children, modeling that is important for our own health and is an example for our beloveds.
I am sorry for the heartache you are enduring.
You are not alone.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
You matter, the sanctity of your home, matters.
Take care.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
