Learning all about Goneboy years later

[BusynMember]

Wow. I did not know this son. If I had, what he did would not have surprised me so much when he took off...it is helpful to get more closure even at this late date.

After Princess disclosed the marriage proposal, I talked to Bart. He was shocked by the story but laughed. Then he said robot describes Goneboy perfecyly and proceded to tell me how Goneboy used to climb on the roof out his window into Barts room and steal from him. Bart would tell me and his dad, then Goneboy would turn it around in his calm way and say it was the other way around.

Bart was loud and often rude. Goneboy acted like a perfect little gentleman. Both his father and I shamefully almost always believed Goneboy.

No wonder Bart was such an angry teen. And young man. But he actually never brings it up and has totally forgiven both of us.

Goneboy was a fooler. Never once did he get in trouble at school. He was brilliant in school. He never drank or took drugs and still does not. He doesnt even cuss or let anyone cuss in his home. He is a millionaire with his own business and a workaholic.He is a strict Christian, very involved in the church.

He is also an extreme control freak and lacking in emotion. I am sure he only still talks to ex, on his terms only, because he wants the nice inheritance he will get by being in his life. But he doesnt help ex like Princess does. He was bonechilling coldhearted when he agreed to meet me in his church the one time I saw him in the past fifteen years. He was calm, demeaning and frozen and lied to weeping wife about me. Attachment disordered people tend to be great actors and play up to those who can benefit them.

I hope he loves his wife and kids. For the forst time, I see why he left. I had no money to offer him. Thats really the gist of it. I shamed him. Money is status, achievement and worth to him. He has money but wants more. He has always loved money and expensive toys since very young. He looked up to his rich friends and made it clear he wished we had more. At that time, ex was not yet rich.

I am proud he acheived, not so proud of his heart...oh well.

 

[pigless in VA]

I feel sorry for people who don't understand the value of love. The Cactus Queen is like that. She values money and status above everything and everyone else.

I went to stay with her daughter, my step-sister, once after she had surgery. I was happy to help, because we have a good, solid friendship. CQ paid me for it. She simply did not understand why I would want to help anyone out of only caring deeply for them.

I think when you value money and items over relationships, that you miss the biggest joys life has to offer.

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks. Me too. But again I think this was due to being given up by his birthnother in a country that deeply values your name, your lineage, your DNA. This is Asia where people dont adopt because they are afraid the children will have tainted blood. I feel for him in this. I could see early on that he needed to be special, the brightest (he always was), the handsomest (he was always a doll), the most popular (he was), etc. He figured he would get status by American standards...the most money, the best job.

We were a poor fit for him...middle class, down to earth, just a regular family. We shared all we had, especially our hearts, but he was not impressed. He would have been happier as a doctors child, one who was well known and gave him the monetary perks we could not. His own kids go to special private schools and he owns a huge home with an inground pool. This is the childood he wanted, the family he had wanted. Sadly, he got us. Our other kids fit in well, but he didnt. That is not his fault. Social servies should in my opinion have taken his personality into account before they placed him with us. I truly believe that. He was NOT an infant BUT a lot of families tried to adopt him. Im sure there was a good match.

This was not a bad person. He was damaged by the orphanage, but had so many assets. It was not his fault nor ours. We trusted social services here and abroad to find is a child who was compatible with us. Instead, we got Einstein and we were not particularly intellectual...just average folks.

Through the years his friends were other young Einsteins who had doctors, lawyers and ceo's for parents and he hung out at their homes and with their fathers, in particular. He wasnt impressed with their mothers, even successful ones. He comes from a culture that values men oer women and came with those values at age six.

At 18 he turned down a Scholarship. "I am going to start six years ahead of my friends and be far more successful than any of them."

He did. He is. He had a million by thirty. He is very respected in the business community. He has traveled all over. He is an American success story, although in his original country he would still be considered an orphan.

He lived his dream but left us behind. We embarass him maybe.

Anyhow...i am so grateful for my loved ones. Just because you raise kids, it doesnt mean they love you in the right way. I am sure Goneboy would have dumped ex too had he not inherited so much money. Love is when kids love you even if you have very little or nothing. Just as we love them, regardless.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Unfortunately GB sounds like a sociopath/narcissist. Maybe reactive attachment disorder looks like narcissism. But the emphasis on appearances above all else, on money and material things, the lack of empathy, the cold callousness....is all heartbreakingly familiar to me.

I know you gave him a loving home. It sounds like you already know this, and you understand his deficits to be something that he brought with him when you adopted him.

I hope that you are able to let go of him a little more now, knowing what you know.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you. Attachment disorder is a lot like sociopathy.

Long ago, we as a society discovered that babies who were not hugged or held had failure to thrive syndrome...babies deprived of touch didnt grow as they should, often developed late, got sick etc. We have stopped using that term, yet kids who are not loved in early life still tend not to thrive emotionally (and often physically). Foolish parents like me thought I could love older kids soooo much that they would be able to overturn these early issues. We would never have adopted Goneboy if we hadnt believed we could have helped; been the parents he needed. Ah, young and foolish. Goneboy came when I was in my late 20s. I am smarter now. Much.

I havent seen him, except for one disasterous time, in fifteen years. I grieved and am over him. When Princess told me all about his sincere plan to marry her, it brought back his oddness regarding family. Then talking to Bart amplified it.

So I vented here, but I am really okay. Thanks again for caring.

 

[A dad]

Lets not overact here I blamed my brothers for what I did an lot and did not admitted when I did something bad my children blamed each other also stole from each other I stole from my brother they stole from me.
Granted my mother said that she does not care we are an family and have to share. We did not had an lot so any complain of stealing from each other fell on deaf years.
The same with my kids I really did not care when they had an argument with each other took no sides and never fixed their problem I let them fix it.

I do not think is such an issue. Its normal if siblings do not have arguments there is something abnormal.

 

[BusynMember]

They always hated each other. It wasnt normal. They never got along...ever. i had to put them in different schools. I had siblings. I know normal sibling rivalry from this. There was no connection, no love/hate...nothing.

Bart was an only child until six. He was very friendly then so when Goneboy was offered to us and he was the same age as Bart, the mom in her 20s said,"That will be great. Bart cant amuse himself well and this supposedly friendly little boy can be his brother and bff."

What a mistake. Goneboy was charming, cute, brilliant and full of charisma and the two of them started competing from day one. Goneboy started stealing all of Barts friends and easily outdid him in sports and could keep up with him in school, and Bart was in a gifted student program. Only two kids in his grade were in the gifted program, but Goneboy kept up with Bart although he missed qualifying for the program by a hair.

It never improved. Eventually the school district allowed Goneboy to go to another school to alleviate the palpable bad blood and over the top competition. Bart would come home crying every day. I often second guessed having pushed for this adoption. I loved Goneboy, but he had a very negative impat on Bart mostly because they were the same age. It was very hard. Bart was in therapy.

Goneboy got along well with Princess, until....the marriage proposal. Bart got along ok with Princess until he hit high school.

My youngest two were so so young. Goneboy was out of the house when they came and Bart was close to Sonic until he had his son.

Princess, Jumper and Sonic have always been close. The older two were very hostile to one another. No fist fighting, but no friendly interaction and Bart getting blamed for what Goneboy did. Princess was there. She knows what Goneboy pulled. Not that Bart was innocent.

I am glad those times are passed and I am glad that Bart is not bitter about those days. Even at his worst, that never comes up. If asked about it he will say it doesnt matter anymore. I kow he iz glad Goneboy is gone though.