Letting go of the need to know why

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hope2hope, Apr 14, 2018.

  1. hope2hope

    hope2hope New Member

    My soon to be 21 year old will be moving out of the house in June or so. That is a good thing for the family and probably for him. He is very messed up and refuses to get help. There is drug use, depression, disrespect, avoidance....many things. The only positive is he is holding down a restaurant job and working 40 to 45 hours per week.

    He basically will not talk to us (his parents) about his inner thoughts or problems. He also will not get help. I just want to know what has gone so wrong for him. Is it addiction? Mental illness? Should we seek help for ourselves in Nar-Anon family group or NAMI?

    In my heart, I KNOW we have done everything possible for him and need to send him out to figure it out on his own. He has rebuffed all help extended to him. I am working on giving up my vision for his future based on his childhood and his intelligence, and I am learning to "accept" the path he is choosing to tread on now.

    It is difficult to get a diagnosis or answer to the "why" if he won't get help nor be honest with his own pitiful predicament.
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You will never probably get an answer. He may not know the answer.

    I think acceptance is good. I am practicing it myself.
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  3. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Member

    I can so relate to this. I started attending al anon in January and am finding it quite helpful. Acceptance of what is is my biggest hurdle. I’m reaching the end of my rope with his constant abrasive attitude towards me and I’m considering giving him 90 days to find someplace else to live. Seeking some help for yourself is never a bad idea. Good luck to you.
  4. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard New Member

    Many times having adult children living at home is difficult. It is a good thing that he can hold down a full time job. Who knows, sometimes they appreciate you more after they move out. I wish both of you all the best.
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  5. Jay80

    Jay80 New Member

    I terrible sorry you are going through this.
    Has he been drug tested while living with you? What kind of drugs does he use?
    Is he physically or emotionally abusive to the family?
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
  6. Dory

    Dory Member

    Such is life!
    Yes it totally sucks!
    The world is crazy!
    YOU are not at fault!

    Start to live your LIFE!
    Look after hubby!

    I am sorry and feel you. Take care
  7. hope2hope

    hope2hope New Member

    I haven't had time to put down my thoughts especially since I am out of questions and have no idea what can be done for my son. We never see him! He sleeps in until he needs to leave for work about 10 am; works lunch and dinner in restaurant; often "hangouts" after work and gets home from midnight to 2 am. (See my prior post for more history on. Him)

    On the rare occasion when paths cross he is angry/cranky. Last 10 minute conversation he claimed once again he has no time to get help. I think he is exhibiting early signs of mental illness with bi-polar or schizophrenia most likely. This is all complicated by drug use...marijuana, ecstasy, even caught him with Percocet (only once).

    Is it drug problem or mental illness? I have no idea except he has made it 110% clear that he is not going to get professional help AND he doesn't want to listen to us. So now he will be given his independence when we force him to move out this summer.
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  8. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    There is not a lot you can do if he refuses treatment. He needs to realize that he needs help and want it. Hopefully when he is on his own he will come to that conclusion. Sorry for your troubles and welcome.
  9. Beta

    Beta New Member

    "In my heart, I KNOW we have done everything possible for him and need to send him out to figure it out on his own. He has rebuffed all help extended to him. I am working on giving up my vision for his future based on his childhood and his intelligence, and I am learning to "accept" the path he is choosing to tread on now."

    That is where I am right now with our 28 YO son. I KNOW in MY head we've done everything (and probably more than we should) but it's still hard to let go. I too am working on giving up my dreams and vision for what I thought his life would be like based on what he was like as a child. He had so much potential. It just tears my heart up to see his life wasted right now and our relationship down the tube. The grief hits in waves.
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  10. HappyAnywayMom

    HappyAnywayMom New Member

    This is my first post. I am so sorry. We just asked my son to leave and gave him 4 weeks. When we did he cut himself out of family photos and destroyed sime things by punching holes and whacking them with hammers. At that point we said he had to leave right away. I hope your son doesn't do this, I would have a 3rd party there for your own protection. I was literally scared for my life and made my husband change all our locks. This was one month ago today.

    I think if you feel you need help, get it! However, I have learned that most people don't get help until they realize they have a problem. We always had a strained relationship with our son, but he suddenly just started to refuse to even talk to us, pay rent, accept help or anything. He said we didn't support him though he lived here free with all the benefits of laundry, shower, Wi-Fi, etc. for free the entire time he was in school full time. I suspect he might suffer from some sort of mental illness. I have given him over to God and my life goes on. I have other children who love me and I know I'm not the best parent, but I don't deserve this. I'm sure if you're on here, you're a good parent, too. Sometimes people just make bad choices and they don't get help/get better until they acknowledge that themselves. I pray it goes well with you and your son.
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  11. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    There are many of us who have had to do this hard of thing of asking our difficult children to leave and/or not allowing them home again.

    I told my 17 year old he had to leave 15 years ago because of his violence, substance abuse, and refusal to honor boundaries in our home. He's 32 now and was just released from jail this week.

    I made it clear he cannot live with us because although he is clean right now, he still blames me and thinks I am a mean person for setting boundaries. For my sanity and health I have to keep home as my sanctuary. It breaks my heart because I do love him and know it is hard out there, but I will not allow anyone in my home who does not treat me with kindness and respect.

    Like most of us, I believe you have done everything you can. It is up to him to live his own life on his dime, on his time, and in his own space, not yours.
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  12. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I am still struggling with putting my daughter out of my home it's been since April 4th . I have not talked to her or my grandkids. Since then I have cried and beat myself up but in the end I had to make her accountable for her actions. I heard she moved in with her children father and his uncle. I pray my grandkids will be safe but I had to let go of the bad situation. I wish you the best. I know it's hard but something must shake up thrrt living pattern so they can rebuild there lives. Hugs!
  13. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Your son sounds a lot like my oldest stepson - the exception being that my stepson is 17. Everything else though sounds identical.

    You are in a good place for yourself, it seems. I am so sorry to hear it but I agree that your son needs to experience life on life's terms. And YOU deserve peace and happiness.