Limbo

[Littleboylost]

The waiting game is a nightmare to be sure. I hope at some point you can carve out some time for you and husband to go out and relax for an hour or two.

We went to the movies last evening. We saw the Glass Castle. It was a good movie and I am so amazed that two broken people could have four wonderful and normal children. There is no rhym or reason to this craziness.

I am just in a post chaotic event phase. This too shall pass.

I find it so hard when he is sweet and. Kemal at times and then off the rails again. It make me so conflicted.

 

[Albatross]

I find it so hard when he is sweet and. Kemal at times and then off the rails again. It make me so conflicted.

I know what you mean, LBL. I am the same way. In a lot of ways it would be so much easier to be done with them than to have the back and forth. You and hubs are doing a wonderfully selfless thing for him, LBL, to give him this chance when he's seemingly so undeserving.

I know it's hard, but try to remember that's not him, that's the addict. The mood swings are due to the drugs he is still using, or maybe even due to his NOT using as much as he was, because of the limits and the expectations you are providing.

Either way, until he gets them out of his system, I don't think you'll be having any consistent conversations.

I hope things are expedited for son so that he can get his head clear. I am glad you and hubs were able to get a few hours away.

 

[ColleenB]

I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. When my son was living with us and using at his worst he would often get upset about things that made no sense to me. That is the biggest change we notice in our son, he no longer gets angry with us, at all. It may be due to him not living with us but he actually comes to visit almost daily and contacts us also. It makes me hopeful he is trying to be clean.

I think my son has mental health issues that have led to drug abuse. But when they are using it's hard to see beyond the drug use and anger. I do think it's the addiction that makes them angry.

We are away this weekend and trying to enjoy each other's company without talking too much about son.

You talk about the movie Glass Castle, and how these two broken people raised good kids... that is something I really struggle with. That I somehow failed somewhere in my parenting. Even my boys both dropping out of university track and choosing college instead. I am actually very happy and hopeful for both of their chosen paths ( older son in art school with younger son in forestry school) but to others I know they view both as "less than" university. I no longer do that... both as my experience the last few years in high school guidance and as my own life experience. But.... I know the judgements are still there and every once in a while I feel some sadness or shame?

I think I have changed so much in this journey into the hell of addiction.....and not all the changes are negative

 

[Littleboylost]

I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. When my son was living with us and using at his worst he would often get upset about things that made no sense to me. That is the biggest change we notice in our son, he no longer gets angry with us, at all. It may be due to him not living with us but he actually comes to visit almost daily and contacts us also. It makes me hopeful he is trying to be clean.

I think my son has mental health issues that have led to drug abuse. But when they are using it's hard to see beyond the drug use and anger. I do think it's the addiction that makes them angry.

We are away this weekend and trying to enjoy each other's company without talking too much about son.

You talk about the movie Glass Castle, and how these two broken people raised good kids... that is something I really struggle with. That I somehow failed somewhere in my parenting. Even my boys both dropping out of university track and choosing college instead. I am actually very happy and hopeful for both of their chosen paths ( older son in art school with younger son in forestry school) but to others I know they view both as "less than" university. I no longer do that... both as my experience the last few years in high school guidance and as my own life experience. But.... I know the judgements are still there and every once in a while I feel some sadness or shame?

I think I have changed so much in this journey into the hell of addiction.....and not all the changes are negative

Hi CB
The movie is really worth going to see. We were stuck in guilt mode especially my husband and our therapist recommended it. It makes me realize that even the small slips as good parents could not have possibly caused the atrocity of addiction.

I had a sad day. A bit of a pitty party as I saw all my friends kids FB photos returning to school and carrying on with their wonderful lives. I have to let go of the dreams I had for my son. It was never my life to have expectations for. I have to come to terms with that.

Shame is a tough one, we know we are not to blame but how can we not feel shame? I am trying to tap into Naranon to work this through.
We had a blow out of crazy emotions on Thursday and some quiet due to a sleeping boy for all of
Friday into Saturday. Some peace and normalicy for Saturday we took our son out (trying to reward sober behaviour). They are tough to be around without any therapeutic processing in place.
Today we were back to chaos. No drugs as he has no money and no job.

He hasn't been trying to steal things or money (doest have a chance for that). Which does make me wonder if the mental health issue is the driver to the drug use. Regardless the discipline of Portage I do hope will help with both issue.
It is like he is very stalled out in his mental functions. His behaviour and rationale are all based on manipulation and ultimatums. Highly self serving and irrational.

I am holding it togeather by a thread. I have explained to his bail coordinator and his OP rehab counsellor that him being at home is not sustainable. It is sad to say my my stress levels are 10 fold when he is here.

He has not ventured into heroin or meth as of yet but I do fear if he stays on this path he is on it won't be long. He has done everything else he has had exposure to.

Today is not a day of comfort. But it goes how it goes. I just find this is sucking the life out of me and I have of continue to find a way to turn that around.
He pushes every single boundary we out in place and he does not do what he is asked. It is exhausting!

My son didn't even make it through high school! I try to practice the understanding that what other people think of me is none of my business.

I just wish to God we had a system like Alberts where they can and will mandate rehab by court order and the patient can not sign themselves out.

I know when my son goes to rehab when the going gets tough he is going to want to sign out and leave.

They will have to secure housing for him, because he can not come home.

He is enrolled in school he was to start and alternative apprenticeship program. It would be a waste of time. He would not be able to transfer any credits with him to rehab. So I have told him to take 2 courses. He still can not wake himself up. It is something for him to focus on. And also not too overwhelming.

I say prayers to the universe that he snaps out of this and really puts effort into rehab. For his mind and his substance abuse.

I gave him life and the operative work is gave. We nurtured him and truly the rest of the decisions about his life are out of our hands.

 

[BusynMember]

Our kids are born with a personality. Babies lying in a hospital nursery, just born, are different from one another from the get go. We cant control the set of genes they were dealt.

We are also not their only influence. Everyone they meet influences them. As they become teens they are less and less influened by us and more influeced by their peers. What we taught them does not always stick. How they become as adults is not our faults. It took me a while to get it, but I am sure of it now.
You did nothing but love and guide your son. That he chose to disregard your wise lessons is a muddle of his personality, ALL the people he has ever known and things that happened to him, most not under your control.

We give ourselves way too much credit in the formation of our childrens lives, positive and negative.

Be good to yourself and let go of your sons outcome for now. You have no control over his story's ending. Nurture yourself. That will help both of you the most. You deserve kindness. So be kind to yourself.

 

[RN0441]

Agree LBL

I think we all tend to go back and forth regarding drug use/mental illness.

Is the tail wagging the dog??

In our son's case I definitely feel it's the drug use causing the problems. Anxiety and depression can be managed but not when illegal drugs are thrown into the mix. The chemicals screw up their brains and their thinking is so far off....

It's easier to numb yourself with drugs than deal with life for some.

We all know that addiction is truly an illness so that is what you are seeing. The illness of addiction.

Stay on course. You guys are doing great.

This too shall pass.

 

[ColleenB]

Hang in there. I know how hard it is.

We are in a honeymoon period right now with older son starting art school and younger one starting forestry school. I don't feel as hopeful as I should.... I am actually quite pessimistic but it's because of the history of the boys and school. Both started out strong two years ago in great programs ( older one in a prestigious leadership degree and younger in a computer science degree) and it all came crashing down on both of them. Older son due to drug use and younger son seemed to fall into his own depression that winter. It was a hard fall for the whole family. It's taken two years to crawl out. And I still don't feel confident even though they both seem happier and maybe better suited to their new programs.

I wonder if I will ever feel safe being hopeful?

 

[Littleboylost]

Hang in there. I know how hard it is.

We are in a honeymoon period right now with older son starting art school and younger one starting forestry school. I don't feel as hopeful as I should.... I am actually quite pessimistic but it's because of the history of the boys and school. Both started out strong two years ago in great programs ( older one in a prestigious leadership degree and younger in a computer science degree) and it all came crashing down on both of them. Older son due to drug use and younger son seemed to fall into his own depression that winter. It was a hard fall for the whole family. It's taken two years to crawl out. And I still don't feel confident even though they both seem happier and maybe better suited to their new programs.

I wonder if I will ever feel safe being hopeful?

CB I am so there my mind spins. Does he live in ny suspicion and negative psyche, are my thoughts willing him to get worse....on and on my mind races and dispairs.
I find he strength to stay the course and hold my poop in a group in from of my adult child.
Pushing forward hoping for the best expecting nothing. It is what it will be.
Sons first day of repeat highschool and he suggests he should take English on line. Umm self directed positive inertia is not really his strong suit. SMH!!
I managed to divert him from this though.
Sigh.

 

[Littleboylost]

I haven't posted much this week on my own situation. I am just very mad mad mad. I don't know how to get over anger. I am striking out at those who don't deserve my anger.

Son has been Late for school every day this week. But he doses go.

We completed his long term rehab application and now he will be doing his GAIN assessment this coming Tuesday (the system was down when he went). This is the medical assessment needed prior to admittance.

He was not nasty with me yesterday or today, which is rare. He sleeps a lot. He is very sick chest and sinus infection most likely. He refused to go to the doctors until today. She will kick his but, she always does.

He was late every day for school and unwell, yet could go out every night with girl friend. It is sooo annoying.

It has been a turbulent week and I am in pissed off mode big time

I went to Naranon meeting and was hoping for help and support. Not this week a more pressing matter requireing the groups suppost (a suiscide of a loved AS. A members son not mine).

I was still angry after the meeting. I am just angry angry angry. I avoid engagement with my AS at all costs. I just want to smack him upside the head.

He is arrogant and ungrateful. He is lazy, brash and rude. If he was my fathers child he would be shown the door and told don't cone back until you find your manners. Not that that helped with any of my parents Difficult Child. But does anything we do really make a difference? Who knows.

Still waiting for a rehab bed and the stupid computers being down at his OP rehab didn't help the process any.

Have a great weekend all!

 

[Littleboylost]

Well my weekend just went to in a 5 min period. Difficult Child is off the rails with inappropriate inmature behaviour. just conned me into taking him to a persons house saying he forgot something there. He now will not leave girlfriend is there. Apparently they are fighting again!! These people are threatening to call the police on Him. He refused to get in the car with me. He is going to get arrested again. I left. But now I am a so stressed out. It is simply never ending.

 

[StillStanding]

Ugh. So sorry LBL. It never seems to get easier. I hope you have some peace this weekend.

 

[Littleboylost]

Ugh. So sorry LBL. It never seems to get easier. I hope you have some peace this weekend.

Candles lit watching a movie phone is off. My time to focus on me.

 

[Albatross]

Hi LBL, I have been wondering how you are doing in this impossible situation.

This is just my very humble and totally uninformed opinion. I don't know you, but I recognize myself in your situation. Please take this with a very large grain of salt, BUT...

I think it is very, very hard not to get sucked into their drama when they are living with us.

What is your objective in letting son stay under your roof? It seemed to me like it was initially a roof over his head until a bed opened up. Now the lines have blurred (and believe me, I AM NOT CRITICIZING, because I am the queen of blurred lines), but you find yourself ferrying him on an "I forgot" errand, which turns out to be horseshit, and there it is...with him facing impending arrest that he never would have faced if you hadn't given him a ride.

It's life in the rabbit hole.

And again, I mean this as no criticism whatsoever. I only point it out because of the many, many times I have been in the hole myself.

What springs immediately to mind is the time I ran out and bought my son a pint of vodka and sat at the kitchen table watching him drink it, so he would be drunk enough to get a bed at detox. He gets ugly when he drinks and he needed rehab. Plus, I wanted him out of my house because I was tired of the ugliness..but he didn't have any money to get drunk "enough"...so I stepped in.

The Mother of the Year trophy is sitting proudly on my mantel.

I look back on that now with amazement and shame, but the truth is, if he were living with me again I know I would do something similar.

You and Hubs are absolute saints for allowing him to stay with you until a bed opens up, but I think you need to focus on that objective alone.

If he forgets something, too bad. He has his bed, he has his guaranteed meals, that's all you offered. If he wants anything else, too bad.

Your son is an addict. Until he starts to think differently, every word that comes out of his mouth will be a lie.

Edited to add: You are absolutely awesome for leaving him there.

 

[Copabanana]

My son called from a psychiatric hospital today. He was about to be discharged. All confirmed.

He says he was robbed at gunpoint last night, felt suicidal, and was discharged he says because he refused strong medications. He said he had no money (this on top of homeless.)

He said. Oh by the way. I had been thinking of visiting.

I replied. You know where we stand. We are here to support you when you want to work on change. Treatment. No drugs. The goal of productivity. We will not accept you here on drugs.

Mom. I was held up at gunpoint.

J. Yes. Things do happen sometimes due to blind fate. As much or more they happen due to our own lifestyle choices.

Around midnight last night m received two calls from the area he is homeless. An unknown number. I called it after speaking with my son. It is an all night mini mart. He might have gone there to buy drugs. Or maybe it was a coincidence.

I am terrified he may be into harder drugs.

It boils down to this: I tried everything I could think of to do while he was here. He did not want what I wanted for him. My wanting does nothing. We all know that.

I know why you are trying so hard. You are using your body as a bridge. In the chance this may give him a shot. You are like a human shield. This is why it hurts so much. I do not believe right now you have real expectations of him. It is more that it hurts so bad to ask of yourself and endure what you have chosen to do.

Albatross is a real friend. To the extent you can protect yourself by limiting where you are exposed, the better.

I am with you. Miles and miles away.

 

[Sam3]

LBL. I've just come up for air enough to realize we've been in a parallel process at least for the last few days. Bless you for taking the time to respond to me in the midst of your own trials. The wisdom from the veterans on this thread is so valuable.

 

[Sam3]

Hi LBL, I have been wondering how you are doing in this impossible situation.

This is just my very humble and totally uninformed opinion. I don't know you, but I recognize myself in your situation. Please take this with a very large grain of salt, BUT...

I think it is very, very hard not to get sucked into their drama when they are living with us.

What is your objective in letting son stay under your roof? It seemed to me like it was initially a roof over his head until a bed opened up. Now the lines have blurred (and believe me, I AM NOT CRITICIZING, because I am the queen of blurred lines), but you find yourself ferrying him on an "I forgot" errand, which turns out to be horseshit, and there it is...with him facing impending arrest that he never would have faced if you hadn't given him a ride.

It's life in the rabbit hole.

And again, I mean this as no criticism whatsoever. I only point it out because of the many, many times I have been in the hole myself.

What springs immediately to mind is the time I ran out and bought my son a pint of vodka and sat at the kitchen table watching him drink it, so he would be drunk enough to get a bed at detox. He gets ugly when he drinks and he needed rehab. Plus, I wanted him out of my house because I was tired of the ugliness..but he didn't have any money to get drunk "enough"...so I stepped in.

The Mother of the Year trophy is sitting proudly on my mantel.

I look back on that now with amazement and shame, but the truth is, if he were living with me again I know I would do something similar.

You and Hubs are absolute saints for allowing him to stay with you until a bed opens up, but I think you need to focus on that objective alone.

If he forgets something, too bad. He has his bed, he has his guaranteed meals, that's all you offered. If he wants anything else, too bad.

Your son is an addict. Until he starts to think differently, every word that comes out of his mouth will be a lie.

Edited to add: You are absolutely awesome for leaving him there.

This speaks to me. My husband recently had a conversation with a colleague which surprisingly turned to DCs. The colleague had contemplated so many times asking his own DCs "how much would it take for you to leave?" Paying for peace of mind isn't an insane thought. A bottle of vodka for a brief respite is a bargain!

I've also sent mixed messages in that place. But it's so minuscule in comparison to the moral teaching, support, tough love, that led up to that moment

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi LBL, I have been wondering how you are doing in this impossible situation.

This is just my very humble and totally uninformed opinion. I don't know you, but I recognize myself in your situation. Please take this with a very large grain of salt, BUT...

I think it is very, very hard not to get sucked into their drama when they are living with us.

What is your objective in letting son stay under your roof? It seemed to me like it was initially a roof over his head until a bed opened up. Now the lines have blurred (and believe me, I AM NOT CRITICIZING, because I am the queen of blurred lines), but you find yourself ferrying him on an "I forgot" errand, which turns out to be horseshit, and there it is...with him facing impending arrest that he never would have faced if you hadn't given him a ride.

It's life in the rabbit hole.

And again, I mean this as no criticism whatsoever. I only point it out because of the many, many times I have been in the hole myself.

What springs immediately to mind is the time I ran out and bought my son a pint of vodka and sat at the kitchen table watching him drink it, so he would be drunk enough to get a bed at detox. He gets ugly when he drinks and he needed rehab. Plus, I wanted him out of my house because I was tired of the ugliness..but he didn't have any money to get drunk "enough"...so I stepped in.

The Mother of the Year trophy is sitting proudly on my mantel.

I look back on that now with amazement and shame, but the truth is, if he were living with me again I know I would do something similar.

You and Hubs are absolute saints for allowing him to stay with you until a bed opens up, but I think you need to focus on that objective alone.

If he forgets something, too bad. He has his bed, he has his guaranteed meals, that's all you offered. If he wants anything else, too bad.

Your son is an addict. Until he starts to think differently, every word that comes out of his mouth will be a lie.

Edited to add: You are absolutely awesome for leaving him there.

I am so in the Rabbit Hole and you know it! Can't we all feel it and smell it?

I hate my situation right now. I am being dragged into the mire and I can't stand it.

I have messaged his OP rehab coordinator as she is aiding in obtaining his bed. Of course she does not work weekends! He is to have an assessment by her on Tuesday. I want off this Bull Ride!

Processing on Wednesday and court again on the 21st. His mental health is deteriorating but he is doing nothing to help it.

Stayed out all night for only one purpose. I just don't want him at home anymore. I regret his whole process.

I am once again an emotional train wreck.

No answers today just trying to get through today.

 

[pasajes4]

I am just going to throw this out there. He is making your life a living hell. I know that you are providing him a place to live until a bed becomes available. Does the bed have to be under your roof? Could you pay for a cheap less desirable place to lay his head. He would be doing the same bs he is doing now, but you would not have to witness it on a daily basis. It would also be harder for him to manipulate you into doing what he wants. It is just a thought.

 

[Littleboylost]

100% it is going around in my head. Thoughts upon thoughts with no decisions just paralysis by analysis. Need to evolve and make some changes. I am speaking with his op counsellor on Monday.

 

[Copabanana]

It could be argued HE acts out worse because we are there watchiing, hovering, suffering. I believe they want us to suffer with them. So it is to share the agony. Angry we cannot take it away.

Make it go away mommy.

You see this illness that afflicts me? I see the logic of separation. But my heart cannot survive it.

I actually do believe on some level that putting myself forth as sacrifice offers some respite. To me. Not him.

Because I always feel I could have done more. Should.

Of course I see logically that my more makes his less. But I cannot get myself on the same page as my brain. My heart is a wild wild thing. It wants to find him and bring him home.