Limbo

[Littleboylost]

Little, I remeber the paralizing inertia. It was physically painful. I am having a hard time with FOG today. My son has shown up on my doorstep begging for food. He was filthy. He is obviosly not doing anything to change his circumstances. He has lost 2 living situations due to his behavior and lack of motivation. I so wanted to tell him to come home and let me make it better. I didn't. I know I can't. I feel like a horrible person.

I have been emotionally exhausted and still in a waiting pattern. I feel like a plane circling an airport trying to make it to the landing strip. So close and yet so far.
I get it feeling horrible. My stomach is always in knots. I do not engage. We practice ingnoring the drug using behavior and rewarding the clean behavior. I am further along in detaching than my husband is. It is interesting to note that my son is far less challenging to me than he is to my husband.
When we do what is right and not enable, it makes us feel so terrible. It is so very very painful.

 

[Littleboylost]

An update.

Life has been hellish for two reasons. The managing of my mother's estate (which I will place in a separate post). And still being stuck in limbo with DAS.

We are seeing our son deteriorate before our very eyes. We continue to allow him a roof over his head and food, while we wait for long term rehab.

He has successfully skirted the last psychological evaluation several times. I spoke with his OPC she apologized and said she can not force him to show up. She is correct. I spoke with him, told him I know he has missed 3 appointments to complete this assessment and that he had one last shot to complete it. He knows this is a criteria that must be completed in order for him to be accepted into a rehab bed when once becomes available. I had a hard and firm talk and said if rehab isn't what you want then say so. He indicated he srill wanted o go to rehab. Let's hope.

He is sullen and low and depressed most of the time. He still gets into his psychotic moments.

I have detached from policing him, from chaufering him, bar to court who is out of town, from addressing any addiction concerns with him. He continues to get high. It's heart wrenching to see. It is like he is trying to keep a foot in both camps and is failing miserably at both. Half assing school attendance and half hanging and drugging.

He try's to push boundaries and I say no means no and he backs off. He is sullen and chippy about it but he backs down.

If he is out late we lock up and go to bed. He now comes home on time. He does not have a key and will not have a key to our home ever again. He came home one night and was pleading and begging to be let in. My husband caved and let him in. It's a process, we are not perfect.

He was finger printed and processed for his new charges this week. My husband took him for this booking. The charges were not increased so they remain as posesion of stolen propert. Lucky once again as they could have been increased to breaking and entering had the police investigation produced any further evidence against him. His court date is on Thursday next week for these charges. His public defender attended court for him this week. She was just requesting a conference with the Crown (DA), so he did not need to attend.

I see his life in his view. He is depressed at what he is facing in his life. He set it up this way. He has to face the consequences. He puts effort into his alternative program. He likes it. He just doest have the capability to dedicate himself to it 100%. I had suggested he reduce his course load to 2 credit courses, and drop the apprenticeship program. He could pick up the apprentiship program after rehab. I think he was trying to prove he could do the full program. He is in week 2 and has 1 full day of attendance. If this is what it takes for him to see the severity of his problem and the choices he is making, so be it.

This week when he bailed on his psychiatric assessment (GAIN PRO 3). I called him and asked him what the F he thought he was playing at. He tried to blame the rescheduling on his counselor. I. Called BS and said don't lie to me. I reiterated again to him that the ONLY reason he was home was to wait for a Rehab bed for long term rehab. I said if he had not interested then to stop playing about and wasting everyone's time. He was desperate and rode his bike all the way to outpatient rehab. By that time his appointment had been taken by someone else.

He is scheduled for Monday. I will keep all you posted. This is the last piece in a very long admission process.

I also got a request for a cross service meeting between his youth program (John Howard Society), and his out patient rehab program. I do not know what he focus of the meeting is. I expressed that I felt my son was becoming more mentally unstable. His OPR counselor agrees. My biggest fear is that they indicste he is too unstable for rehab. They treat mixed disorders but indicate stable MHD. I am dreading Mondays meeting and fear the worst. His counselor said she is arranging a psychiatric consultation for him. I wished her luck as we all know they have to be clean before a diagnosis can be made. Also I have attempted to have him out on hospital for MH Numerous times. They always let him go saying he has capacity to discharge or refuse care.

The other night he came home declaring we were smoking pot and that he could smell it. He demanded we drug test. Well for S--- and giggles I complied. And he accused me of faking my pee sample....I then lost the humor in the situation and began my rant. We are not addicted, our house our rules, we don't smoke pot and even if we did we are productive working adults..... I am sure you get the picture. That was the end of that nonesense.

We are all pretty certain he is back to smoking pot poppers. Cheapest way to get really high. His physical health is deteriorarting. He hacks and coughs all the time, his mental health is deteriorating. He is compliant and does not bring the drugs home. We ignore the drug behavior and reward the clean behavior.

We do not wake him for school. He requested an alarm clock. I obliged with a Wall Mart special. He wakes some days and some days not. My husband has a hard time not nagging him to get up for school and is getting better at not doing this. It is hard to see your son sliding down the great toilet bowl of life. No one is gong to shake and wake him through life. We can not enable him. We need to continue detaching from him.

Faith, hope and strength are what I am focusing on to replace FOG.

One day at a time. Naranon is helping.

 

[pasajes4]

The self sabatog is hard to watch. The youth program that I went out of my way to get my son involved with contacted me because they have not heard from him. They can help him with housing, rehab, and a job. He qualifies up to age 24 due to his disabilities...he refuses. I don't get it. He still wants me to be mommy and allow him to live at home while he continues to do drugs and hang out doing whatever he damn well feels like.

I feel your pain. They say the male brain does not jell unil around 26. I hope he lives that long and has a few brain cells left by that time.

 

[Littleboylost]

The self sabatog is hard to watch. The youth program that I went out of my way to get my son involved with contacted me because they have not heard from him. They can help him with housing, rehab, and a job. He qualifies up to age 24 due to his disabilities...he refuses. I don't get it. He still wants me to be mommy and allow him to live at home while he continues to do drugs and hang out doing whatever he damn well feels like.

I feel your pain. They say the male brain does not jell unil around 26. I hope he lives that long and has a few brain cells left by that time.

I don't think the brain ever continues to develop and mature while they drug. There is also some research to say that permanent damage can prevent maturity in long term drug users from occurig at at. I am at risk of having a permanent 14 year old brain to contend with. Teenage years are tough and we face them in constant teen menstelity and addiction and MH issues. Tough tough, tough.

 

[pasajes4]

Little, That is very true and my biggest fear. My sons early drug use coupled with his early onset mental illness seems to have him stuck at age 12. Maybe by 26 he will achieve a mental age of 16. He was always behind others his age by at least 4 years pre drug use. I had always thought that he would have to live at home past the time most individuals strike out on their own. His drug use and violent behavior when he does not get his way makes that impossible. My self preservation will not allow that.

 

[Sam3]

Asking you to pee in a cup. That's rich!

That you did it reminds me of the lengths this madness pushes us to. Like, if we start playing their game, and it is extreme and out of our parental character, they will finally shout uncle.

Heres a crazy piece of brinksmanship I tried, to debunk a laughable lie.

I found my sons homemade gatorade bottle bong. He denied what it was as if I was raised in a convent and wouldn't know any better. So, I proceeded to finish the bong by making a bowl out of foil, dropping it in the cutout he made for it, and poking holes in the bottom. He still denied it, so I loaded it up with a clump of dried grass and held the lighter over the top. He still denied it. I said if it's not a bong, then this shouldn't work right? He begged me not to do it. But of course, it was happening if he would let his mom smoke yard clippings before he would out himself.

So, I smoked "grass" out of my sons Gatorade non-bong, while he watched in horror.

It's a funny story now but kind of an example of the hurricane principal. I thought desperate times, desperate measures. Whatever it takes to save my son, etc. Like some kind of insane first responder.

As much as the general insanity made his plight seem less insane to him, it also deprived him of the steady presence kids need in parents.

But I understand the cup of pee scenario completely! You should have come out with the cup and said "I'm pregnant"

 

[pasajes4]

Oh Sam...I should totally not be laughing right now. The I am pregnant response is priceless. People who do not walk in our shoes would not understand the lengths that we will go to trying to reach our kids. You should start a thread titled..."What is the most outrageous thing you have done to try to get through to your kid?"

 

[Littleboylost]

Asking you to pee in a cup. That's rich!

That you did it reminds me of the lengths this madness pushes us to. Like, if we start playing their game, and it is extreme and out of our parental character, they will finally shout uncle.

Heres a crazy piece of brinksmanship I tried, to debunk a laughable lie.

I found my sons homemade gatorade bottle bong. He denied what it was as if I was raised in a convent and wouldn't know any better. So, I proceeded to finish the bong by making a bowl out of foil, dropping it in the cutout he made for it, and poking holes in the bottom. He still denied it, so I loaded it up with a clump of dried grass and held the lighter over the top. He still denied it. I said if it's not a bong, then this shouldn't work right? He begged me not to do it. But of course, it was happening if he would let his mom smoke yard clippings before he would out himself.

So, I smoked "grass" out of my sons Gatorade non-bong, while he watched in horror.

It's a funny story now but kind of an example of the hurricane principal. I thought desperate times, desperate measures. Whatever it takes to save my son, etc. Like some kind of insane first responder.

As much as the general insanity made his plight seem less insane to him, it also deprived him of the steady presence kids need in parents.

But I understand the cup of pee scenario completely! You should have come out with the cup and said "I'm pregnant"

Sam no where but here could you tell that story and make us all laugh. Could you imagine telling that one at a PTA meeting!! I needed a good laugh. And yes the extremes in the hurricane, don't we know it.

 

[ColleenB]

Hang in there LBL.....

I know we only waited a few days for detox when my son asked to go this summer and watching him actively seek out what was killing him almost killed me... and that was only a few days. My heart aches for you.

As far as funny stories .... we all have them. They are only funny to us.... they would be horrifying to those who have never lived with and an addict. I remember the first (not only) time I put weed through my dryer and my entire upstairs smelled like a hotbox... and I cried when I realized it was venting outside through the dryer vent and now my (rcmp police) neighbors would think I smoked dope!

The bong on our back patio may have been a clue also

 

[Littleboylost]

CB
That is hysterical. And I have done the same darn thing. The dogs were rather odd in behavior for the rest of the day as well....what is it with neighbours being police...ours at the time was a lovely retired police office.

 

[RN0441]

LBL so sorry and I feel your pain and you are all doing amazing!

Sam love that you smoked your weed and the pregnant comment.

I did not think anything could make me laugh today but that did and I thank you!

 

[Sam3]

Sam love that you smoked your weed

my weeds

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

You are doing a great job LBL and in such a short time have come such a long way.

I will keep my fingers crossed that you will find peace and serenity regardless of what your son chooses for himself.

I will also keep my fingers crossed that eventually your son turns his life around. Many do and there's no reason he won't be one of them.