living with a difficult child ~ rollercoaster

[hearthope]

I was so proud of difficult child yesterday. I had booked light at the shop just in case he decided to do the right thing so I could leave to drive him around.

He called after lunch to see if I could come get him.

I picked him up, took him to the bank to cash his check.
we went to PO's office to pay his fine(yea!)
Then we took his dog to the vet and he paid most of the bill.

I was having a very good day. not only did he spend all but 20 dollars, but he chose to take care of his responsibilties. He even cared enough about something other than himself enough to spend what little money he had left to take the dog to the vet :smile:

He had his first boxing match last night, it was not what I expected. I was wondering if they were paying to see this guy kill my son. He was a pro and my son is so unexperienced.
He held his own and it was determined that the other guy was the winner. I did not enjoy being there. I felt sorry for him because it seemed like they were taking advantage of him and exploiting him for monetary gain. In his eyes he was tough enough to fight a pro, but I think they looked at him like another sucker bringing in money for the show. (10 dollars a head and there were at least 250 people there)He was banged up pretty good, his nose was bleeding and his eye was very swollen and turning black.
After the match all the trainers including the one he fought said he did awesome, they made a huge fuss over him lasting so long with so little experience. My son took it all in and was on cloud nine. They made plans to start increasing his training time starting monday.
I would like to have made sure he was okay, but he didn't come home last night.
I just love it on this ride, it is teaching me to just sit back and wait. You never know what a difficult child will do next

 

[Sunlight]

I could never ever witness my son being in a boxing match. sigh.

that hurts.

I have to say ant is still learning to manage his money. he gets paid very well and never misses work so he makes more than I do !!

however...he pays his fines and rent and then he blows the entire rest and is broke on tuesdays again. then he limps thru til friday payday. he still treats everyone to everything and spends too much out to dinner etc. he is not buying drugs, but he has always been a clothes shopper and loves to take beautiful women to dinner.

each week I remind him he needs to save money and learn to make it thru. I never give him a cent. I never ride him anywhere. he must find his own ways. I do go get his money orders at the post office for his fines and mail them with the money he gives me.

it is one step at a time. for now, I guess I am watching him at least care enough to pay his fines and rent. I am glad he is complaint with the law and that he sleeps, eats and is not a worry. I have majorly lowered my expectations for him and know he is an addict. one day he may return to his former lifestyle.

I do not sit back and wait for him to fall. I go on with my life, making my emotional seperation from him continue to protect me for when/if he disappears once more. he can roller coaster but I remain the same as much as I can. safer there.

 

[hearthope]

I understand you competely.

I changed my schedule on fri because of him getting paid. I wanted to "help" if he was chosing to do the right thing.
I have witnessed so many disappearing acts on payday, for him to show up broke and not taken care of any resposibilty.

During the week he has to fend for himself. I haven't changed our schedule for him.

I too realize that I am dealing with an addict.

Even the boxing has taken on an "addicting aire" I told husband last night that hopefully the rush of the match could take the place of the rush he craves with drugs.

It was all very hard to stomach, I just reminded myself that is was friday night and he was not off with his buddies getting high.

Everyone needs something positive and for some reason he is not finding that satisfaction in any other area of life right now.

After surverying the crowd, I questioned if drug use was going on. There was a no alcohol sign posted, yet most were entering with large cups of alcohol. My son is a drinker as well and it left me wondering who he hooked up when he did not to come home.

This is his first no show since we let him come back home this last time.

Just sitting back and waiting to see

One day at a time

 

[Sunlight]

I do not stay home on weekends so I do not know if ant is out all night or night. I do not want to be his warden. if he gets in trouble it will show up soon enough. unfortunately you live there on weekends as well and know his coming and going. you have decide if you care if he comes home at night. do you?

for me I do not care because it is his life. he has a key to my house now again. I have to say he is home when I am there and never misses work. he gets himself up in the morning for work with no trouble. I am trying to wean him from me by not being there as much.

my goal for him is to help him learn to live independently at my house...then independently at his own. within the year I expect ant to move to his own place and totally fend for himself. if he stays out all night, if he ends up passed out in the snow..and whatever happens it is his choice.

so far he has complied and I know he does it because he wants to be warm fed and have a home. he likes the money he makes and loves his son. will that be enough to keep him on the straight and narrow>>I do not know.

I do know I will never visit him in jail again, and if he goes down, he goes alone. he is getting too old and so am I...lol

 

[AliceLee]

Yes, hearthope, it is a roller coaster. I've been hanging on tight for a while, but right now, I want OFF!

I understand your mixed emotions about the boxing. Not the most positive environment, and potentially dangerous. But, still, better than drugging. I guess our difficult child's have a need for excitement, trauma, drama...whatever. They are definitely not boring!

 

[catwoman]

I don't know if I could watch it either, but if it makes him feel good about himself in a positive way I guess I would do just what you're doing; "sit back and wait to see."

 

[hearthope]

It was different at my house yesterday...

husband started a conversation with difficult child. difficult child also started conversations with us all.

Looking back, I can't remember the last time that has happened.

I also realized that this is the first positive thing that difficult child has done in a long time.
Every time we were all sitting in the family room in the past yrs was to address some problem that was going on with difficult child.

It was a wonderful night, my husband and my 2 children in the same room and no argueing!

I am not expecting anything ~ just thankful that my ride is going uphill instead of plunging to the bottom at this time.

Ant's mom we have not gotten anywhere with the "living on your own" topic. Each time he talks to me about breeding his dog and having puppies, I say that's great, but you'll have to wait till you get your own place. You can not raise puppies here. He nevers says a word back

 

[ScentofCedar]

I am glad things are getting better for your difficult child, hearthope.

Are you taking care of yourself, too?

Barbara

 

[hearthope]

I just posted this morning about how great it was being on the uphill part of the ride....Well, I guess I should have seen difficult child before I posted.

I left the computer to go wake up difficult child and easy child for church. There is a speaker that they both wanted to here this morning.

difficult child said he hurt his hand and he is not going, he said he would show me later. I go wake easy child and she asks if her brother is going, so I go back in his room and ask to see his hand.

I think it is broken and he needs stiches on his knuckle, I asked what happened and he said he hit a truck. I have learned not to dig, so I say we have to go to the emergency room NOW!

easy child goes in to see and shuts the door, he spills the whole storey to her.(yes, I am behind the door listening)

Very long story short ~ He got into a fight with a drunk MAN and swung at him and missed and hit a truck.
He said he left with the man knocked out ~easy child said what if he was hurt? and he said he was defending himself, the man jumped on him.
Yes, he said the police were called, so I guess we will have some company later.
I am taking difficult child to the hospital, he is no longer on our insurance and was given a medicad card at the rehab. He can't find the card but hopefully we can be seen anyway.

I enjoyed that short ride up hill, glad I was prepared for the downward hill! Nothing surprises me with difficult child. Like we said before, just sit back and wait.

 

[Sunlight]

I hope his hand being broken keeps him out of fights for a while.

I never ask ant to move out, he is the one who brings it up. reason being he would like to have lady friends overnight. that may be the carrot that makes him move out one day...wanting his privacy.

adult kids should not live with their parents. ant is here just to get re-established in the work world and get a routine. we figured it would take 6 months. that time is up march 6th. My guess-timate is that he will find a roommate by then.

 

[AliceLee]

Wow, how quickly it can go from good to bad. You sound like you're in a good place emotionally. :smile: I'll be thinking of you today...let us know how it all turns out.

 

[hearthope]

His hand wasn't broken, but did require 5 sutures.

I have to take him back tomorrow for them to undress it and check the wound. It is in the worse place to hold the sutures.

No work tomorrow for sure. He called his boss to see if there was something he could do at the site and he said to call him back tomorrow evening.
It is his right hand, the one he holds a hammer in all day.

Maybe, just maybe he will learn that he needs to think before he acts!?!

He hated the sutures, the big tough boxer refused the sutures until the doctor convinced him it was all they could do. He wanted the cute little butterfly tape sutures, not the ones put in with a needle!

I did make the suggestion to remember all of this the next time he is confronted by someone, his mother taught him to walk away.

And when his paycheck is short from not working, maybe it will sink in.

~~our gifts from God do the dumbest things sometimes~~

 

[Sunlight]

you are doing a wonderful job with a challenging situation. you are an inspiration!

 

[hearthope]

Thank you! I needed that today!