looking for feedback on new situation

[emotionally_drained]

I was a single mom for a long time until I remarried, I worked 3 jobs at one point but always at least 2 because I never received child support from my younger 2 children's father, he is an addict and cant hold down a job. My 2 younger ones left home once they graduated (they were already 18) so they didn't have to follow rules and so on... So my son thought living with his dad was great no rules. Well he still has yet to find a job and doesn't ask me for much until recently. See his father actually got a job and the state I live in is now garnishing his check for back pay on child support. Needless to say he isn't happy with this and now my kids feel it is there right for me to just give them money when they want. Am I wrong? I worked and raised them the best I could, this is "BACKPAY" I don't mind helping sometimes but I am afraid they will get into the habit of expecting it, and to make it worse their dad is encouraging it hoping to get me to send it back to him. I am wore out from these people!!! When will I finally find peace??

 

[KTMom91]

Stand your ground and just say no! You are owed that child support...he could have paid all along and chose not to for whatever reason. It's easy for our difficult children to take one instance of help and expect it all the time.

The only reason I got my child support on time is because Useless Boy's mother paid it. I wouldn't have seen a dime otherwise. Hugs. You deserve to find some peace.

 

[BusynMember]

Child support is for you, to take care of your children, but also to keep the household running. It is almost never used exclusively for the children.

Well, he didn't come through for you and you had a very hard life. And, in my opinion, It is not backpay to be given to your kids...it is for you. I wouldn't give your ex a dime and I'd stop listening to the kids, who moved out because they hate rules. Sounds like they are taking after Dad, not a good thing. Don't help those tendencies along by giving them free $$$. If they want money, well, there are jobs. You worked your tail off to support them growing up and in my opinion it is your turn to catch a break.

Their dad sounds like a piece of work, but you already know that. If it all gets to be too much for you to listen to, go easy on communicating with any of them until they understand that the money is yours and will stay with you. Don't let them bully you. In fact, I will share what has been very successful for me and my son, who lives a few states away. If he is mean to me, calls me any name, or asks for anything, I gently hang up. I told him I would do this and I stuck to it. If you do that, then you'll only hear from them when they want to talk to you about issues beyond what money and toys you "owe" them. I find it very helpful to set boundaries like this. You need a peaceful life. More, you DESERVE one. You have gone over-the-top in your courageous effort to make sure your children never were hungry and probably had all they needed. Why should they have the money you are owed?

Stand up for yourself without guilt and stop listening. Hugs!!!!!

 

[GuideMe]

That is in no way, shape or form your kids money. How dare they even think that. Wow, I can't believe how selfish difficult child can be sometimes. Can't they just say "hey mom, enjoy it. You deserve it and more after all you did for us" ?

Please do not give them one red cent and do not cave into the pressure of all three of them. Put yourself first for once in your life. I am so utterly happy someone is actually getting their back pay in child support. Take advantage of it.

 

[2much2recover]

I'll be simple - it is your money and with each attempt to get some of it from you, you are being bullied. Step outside the situation and ask yourself if any other person demanded your money what would you say? IT IS YOUR money - you already paid it out when you worked to provide for your kids with no child support. Now your EX is being FORCED to re-pay YOU for what you already paid out. Don't let guilt/bulling pressure you - go spend some of that money on the one person in the whole situation who deserves it - YOU!

 

[emotionally_drained]

i am just going to go on a rant and vent for a minute so bear with me.... I try to tell them that, it is like talking to a wall, my ex and his mother harass me about it all the time, and my kids say they know it is rightfully mine but still think its ok to ask for it, I am on the verge of changing my phone number and telling my children to only contact me via fb, and as for my husband, I love him but I am not sure how much longer he is going to stick around with the way my kids have done me over the few years we have been together, he stays out of it and doesn't stick up for me against them, so I feel like I am in this battle alone with no back up, and then everyone wonders why I am always on edge!!! ok my rant is over just had to say that, I have a lot more but I think ill cool down first. thanks again

 

[recoveringenabler]

You have every right to rant, so rant away, we're here. It's YOUR money. Do not allow other people to bully you or make you feel guilty, you deserve what you have, go spend it on YOU.

That feeling of being all alone sucks, it's easy to think we're crazy when everyone around us is singing the same song. But every one around you has a vested interest in you wavering or giving in so that they can gain something........don't allow it. You are in the right. It may be a lonely place, but it is the right place. You didn't do anything wrong, the others in your scenario are trying to manipulate you. Learn to say, "thanks for sharing" and go buy yourself something nice. What they think of you is none of your business. Go enjoy yourself with your money!

 

[DammitJanet]

Go silent, tell them to write actual letters if they want to contact you. Bet they dont.

Do you remember that old "talk to the hand" thing? I would do that every single time one of the kids asks for money. You dont have it. Make something up. You have invested it in penny stocks, bought a race car, now own an island in the south pacific and are planning on retiring there. Heck...tell them you lost it all gambling and stuffing it down the front of male dancers! Now you need money from them..can they spare a dime for ole mom? LOL

 

[GuideMe]

Do you have a reason to talk to the ex? You said all children are grown correct? So why are you even speaking to him??? Unless I missed something, which is totally possible , lol.

 

[emotionally_drained]

actually no I make no contact with him, and I recently had to set boundaries with my son concerning his father. His father recently made contact with me because he was upset about the child support and then his mother did also, and ever since its calls and comments about me getting the money through text. I do not respond so they have resorted to putting my children up to asking for money.

 

[2much2recover]

A technique I have used in dealing with my difficult child is when figure out where she is heading in manipulation I find a way to change the direction of the conversation.
First understand that when people have decided to manipulate you they have invited you into the "game". Now it is up to you to play the game so you win. Most"good" people don't lie but I propose that if people are going to "play" us we shouldn't feel so guilty about telling them what ever we need to win the "game" So in this scenario - difficult child asks for money: you: I am sorry I had some unexpected things I had to pay for this month and the money is already gone. (unexpected manicure anyone?)
Next there is the straddle the line technique: You are listening to a conversation with difficult child where you start to see that the conversation is headed to them asking for money. You 'straddle the line by going around what you know the point they are taking you to and direct the conversation to something else - something, anything, that deflects the conversation away, in this case, from money. This technique throws them off because they are so use to manipulating and getting their way - wearing you down, guilting, shaming or manipulating you etc. - that they will not realize that you are manipulating the conversation in a way that is beneficial to you. And before they even notice that you are "winning" this round of the game - end the conversation with some reason why you have to leave the conversation before they can re-direct it back to the money question.

When we are dealing with master manipulators - THEY always call the game - and unless you are armed with a little battle gear you will go right on losing the game.

If this situation is causing problems with your husband just stop talking to him about it. My husband and I have beat the horse dead, only to see it continuously raise it's ugly head again and again. It's one of the reasons I joined here and started posting her AND made a therapy appointment. Talking about something over and over with no solutions just keeps things raw. Maybe you want to decide to end the "monthly debate" by depositing this extra money into a savings account of your own and no more discussions of how this money will be spent except between you and your husband. If so try some of the techniques above or just tell kids that money is going into savings for retirement to make up the shortages you lost spending all your money on raising them.

 

[emotionally_drained]

thank you, the reason I joined this group was that me and my hubby seem to only talk about this issue and his issues, I feel like if I can eliminate at least mine we can start to work on his, I have opened up a separate account in my name only for the money to go into and have already made a plan to save it for MY future and well being, and I really love what you said there at the end about putting it into retirement to make up for shortages, I do believe I will use that line.

 

[emotionally_drained]

also can I ask you I have see difficult child used I am not really sure what it stand for, I am assuming children?

 

[2much2recover]

I believe difficult child= Gift From God

 

[nlj]

I agree with everything MWM says. What a piece of **** to leave you to bring up the children alone for years and not pay a thing towards their upbringing.

I would cut off all contact with your ex, not answer calls, ignore letters, etc.
It is good that this money is being collected by the state and paid to you, so there is no direct contact regarding payment of the money owed. There is no need for you to take any notice of this 'man' or his family. Just ignore it and get on with your life. You worked your socks off for years to support your children in difficult circumstances. If they are now trying to bleed you for more and do not appreciate what you have done throughout their childhood, then to speak frankly I would also ignore their current demands. What a *** nerve!

In answer to your question, you will finally find peace by finding the strength to stop being wrung dry and exploited and when you stand up for yourself and your right to a peaceful life.

 

[rebelmommy]

I agree with everyone who said that is not your kids money! Girl you worked so hard, so long you provided everything for your kids and now you are being blessed with something and people want to take away your blessings? No, no and no. Don't even entertain them.