Losing it

[Lolag]

Lolag. I am sorry.
We have had this happen. Son pushing his way in, cops called, and them saying he has tenants rights and why aren't we letting him in when he paid rent. (What rent? He wasn't even living here.)

My son does the same thing. Acts reasonable and articulate. And we look berserk.
This is very concerning. I think the restraining order and eviction are a good thing. If he does not pay rent I do not see necessarily that he would have tenants' rights but state law differs.

It is a good thing for him that he did not take the car because I do not see how that would not have been auto theft. But the thing is, to pick up an axe in your home is to threaten you, let alone your home.

The diagnosis alone would not have necessarily convinced me; but the way he composed himself, cool, calm and collected in front of the cops, after raging and threatening you? No.

I can understand your rage at him, but better to calm down, and follow through with the restraining order, eviction, alarm, big dog and anything else you need to keep him out. I worry that when you are no longer angry you will not feel as clear as you do now, that he needs to be away. Keeping him away is the right thing.

 

[Elsi]

unless there are some small cameras I can hide.

There are. Look for nanny cams.

I've also thought of going to the police station and speaking with the officer or his superior about his behavior. Possibly a letter

I think you should! It’s outrageous that he didn’t offer you any support or protection.

I also think it’s outrageous that you’re not allowed to get him out of your house immediately after an incident like this. Tenants rights should not apply when someone is an immediate threat to your safety or property! I hope the lawyer or DV agency are able to offer some help here. Formal eviction proceedings will undoubtedly make him angry, and he’s clearly dangerous when he’s angry. Personally I’d still think about getting him out anyway. I’d rather have him sue me in court than face someone that volatile in my house over a 30 or 60 day eviction period.

This is the 4th time they been called. The first he destroyed my picture frames in the house. The second he smashed all my kitchen windows out, tore my thermostat out of my wall and punched holes in the walls.

You’ve got plenty here documented to get some help. This has to count for something for a restraining order or faster eviction processs. Crossing my fingers that you’ll get some help quickly. No one deserves to live in fear in their own home.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with Elsi. This is outrageous.

This is the 4th time they been called. The first he destroyed my picture frames in the house. The second he smashed all my kitchen windows out, tore my thermostat out of my wall and punched holes in the walls

I think you have a lawsuit against the police. Honestly.

I do have pics of my destroyed home.

Is this not evidence and evidence of prior acts? He is escalating.

In my town there is an attorney you can see for free at the courthouse. He or she is there every morning at 8 am. There should be something similar where you live. In my town it is the Superior Court. I was told about it when I went to get papers to file. The attorneys are there to assist people filing papers but you can ask them about anything related. In my town this is where the District Attorney is too, I think. I would ask at the District Attorney's office and I would ask at the courthouse. At the police department I would go to a higher authority, like a Lieutenant. Not a Sergeant. *That way you can go above their head to the Captain and Chief if need be. I am going to google now what agency to go to for police misconduct. I think there is an ombudsman. What they are doing (not doing) is wrong. I remember when I was dealing with school district(s) I went to the Superintendent. LOL.

I think the nanny cams are a great idea. But I think the pictures of the prior destruction are evidence enough if you called the police that time.

I looked online and it seems that the ACLU has a project about domestic violence and sexual abuse of women because often it is NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY by police. But I could not find a number to call. I think the Domestic Violence Center will know what to do.

 

[Copabanana]

Here is a link about nanny cams which talks about the legality. 10 Best Nanny Cams of 2018 | SafeWise Buyer's Guide I did not read it all but what I did read is this: they are legal in 50 states but need to be video only or the evidence they present is deemed to be illegally obtained. Also you cannot put them in private spaces such as bedrooms or the bathroom. I would check out the article and see what the law is for your state. (Maybe you can ask the attorney at the Superior Court (see above).

I did not know this but the nanny cams can be either concealed or visible. The concealed ones are disguised in various household objects like clocks, etc.

 

[Smithmom]

Nanny cam is great. In the meantime an audio recording will be enough. Easy to hide. Use your phone if you can. For $20 or less get a small cassette recorder or better yet record on your computer to a distant file server. Buy a bunch of tapes so you can store them and put in new ones. Keep in your pocket so you can turn on as needed. Lots of ways to record.

Major point here is documentation. Forget the specific cop. If you can, get a copy of the diagnosis and records of prior destruction going back years. Records of outbursts, hospital visits, school problems, etc. Take it all to court. But also make a copy and leave it with chief of police in a pre-arranged mtg telling him/ her that you want it all in a file as you feel threatened and unprotected by the police. You are concerned for your safety.

I had the cops at my door a hundred times at least over the years. Mine conned them a couple of times. But mine does not have a personality disorder. So only a couple of times. Cops aren't generally knowledgeable enough to even know what a personality disorder is. So, yes, the first few times they will be conned. Forgive them, they don't know better.

 

[BusynMember]

I was going to suggest a phone myself except that you cant hide your phone and if he saw you recording him he may seriously not just destroy the phone but hurt you.

They use cameras that record people being attacked in gas stations and Walmart parking lots. Video cam is used all the time. They are called nanny cams because they are used to record nannies.

I persinally would not take on the police department unless you have tons of $$ and are prepared to lose. You would literally be taking on the city vs. you. Cops indeed are not psycholigists. They follow the law. The psychologists are another area and they get fooled too. Ive seen it. This is for another thread but the mental health community is easily fooled by those with all disorders...they may not be any more accurate than cops without the proper information from the client. But i digress...

Old pictures of house destruction with no indication of who did it and your word are not enough evidence. The police officer was a jerk to you but there was no evidence that your son did anything wrong. You need evidence or else I could get mad at Neighbor B, a very nice woman, and say she threatened to kill me and destroy my house and Neighbor B would have to be arrested based on those false accusations. Or it could be any of us. For this readon, cops need evidence. Domestic violence is the #1 call in many areas. It is here I know.

Fortunately and unfortunately when it really is serious our country doesnt arrest anyone without evidence. Doesnt matter how high you climb to complain. The police cant arrest anyone just based on our words and in general that in my opinion is good. Thus the new use of cell phone videos and nanny cams. Proof. The police have to listen to the son as much as her. How did they know she was the one telling the truth?

Accusatory words dont get anyone arrested without evidence no matter who you complain to. That is why clever nasty stalkers roam free. You have to show evidence. In this case there was none so I would work with people who can actually help this young man get caught and arrested...DV probably has ideas. Now if the words of this man had been recorded this could have probably been used for an order of protection. Or even jail. Cameras need to roll inside and outside the house. We have cameras in both places. Its legal. Well, its legal here.

I know California has many extremely cool services other states usually don't have. If you want to go to court here or where I lived in Illinois there was the Clerk of Courts to help you only, no attorney. in my opinion I would focus more on staying safe and gathering evidence than suing everyone. in my opinion (could be wrong) trying to enforce your words without evidence wont work even if you get to speak to the POTUS.

I know this is not a popular response but its how our legal system works. If a wife calls saying her husband beat her and a cop comes out and sees no bruises and the husband says she hit him first with a chair and there is no evidence of either, they no longer assume the woman is the victum. They may try to get one of them to leave for the night but they won't arrest anyone. Women and men have become equally possible victims.It is no longer assumed that the woman is the victim.

If this were me Id make dang sure my house was full of cameras, I would try for a protective order even with no evidence and I would start eviction. You need it even if somebody pays no rent because if they live there you cant just put them out. I found out this scary fact when a my friend took in a homeless nineteen year old, she stole from her, and she did not pay rent. She had to be evicted. Fortunately she left on her own. This was in Illinois. Check your state laws.

The first time Son opens his mouth, record it somehow and take it to the cops. You need the police in your situation. They cant think you are the crazy lady who tried to sue them for not arresting this son with no evidence. At least I wouldnt want that reputation. This young man is a serious problem but yelling about it with no evidence in most states will not work. Get a lawyer and find productive, legal ways to get him out without agitating people you need and without expecting an arrest with no evidence. I believe you can get help, but in my opinion the focus in my opinion needs to be on sane, legal ways to do it. I would call an attorney and DV today. But dont expect different treatment due to being a woman. That no longer is the law. I am not sure you DO think this way but many womem still do. They still assume in a divorce women will get major custody of the kids. Nope. They still think in an altercation without proof the man will be blamed. Not anymore.

I fear for your safety and hope you can get productive, proper help. And buy those cameras. Take care of yourself. Get in that ohone and call an attorney and DV.

Love and light!

 

[Smithmom]

Just out of curiosity I checked a very lg retailer site. I am out of date as usual. They only sell digital recorders now. You can also install an app on your phone to record. But interestingly lots of recorders in interesting shapes. Check out the term "lecture recorder", pen shape, memory stick shape, key ring, guess recorders not allowed in lectures. Some voice activated, some record for 12 hours at a time. I also recalled a friend whose ex tried to give their son a speaker. It allowed the Dad to listen and record everything in mom's house, from his house. All kinds of things out there now.

 

[Lolag]

I have lots of work to do!! Thank you all again for your kind words, suggestions and research. It is greatly appreciated. I've made an appointment with a counselor for myself on Monday, I certainly do need the guidance!!

 

[Despairing Mom]

I hope your visit with the counselor was helpful.

 

[Lolag]

Thank you. It was. I feel so stagnant. I know what I need to do, eviction, but I haven't called a lawyer yet. Tomorrow!!!