Lost

[stormyweather]

First time posting here but so worried and anxious had to put this down somewhere.
I'll have to start at the beginning and I'll try to make this short. My son since he was 14 has gotten in trouble and has smoked pot and spice. He had gotten expelled from school twice, spent time in juvie and jail, and can't keep a job. When he was 18 we found out he was selling pot and spice from our home. We have 4 other younger kids and told him that if he continued selling he would have to leave. So of course he kept it up and we sent him to live with my brother. Things went bad there and he went and got an apartment and somewhat kept a job. It looked like he was moving up, getting clean and keeping a steady job. He moved into a better apartment and had a decent job with lots of overtime.
Then he lost that job and it's been downhill from there. He moved to a small town with a couple of other guys where there are no jobs. He has no license and car and can't even keep an id for long without losing it. Last week I finally talk him into moving back home, he is now 20. I tell him that he has to still follow rules and he is not to get into my beer or cigarettes. The day after he moves back in I have to leave for the day for work, I have my 15 yr old watching the younger boys. I'm not leaving the 20 yr old responsible for anyone at this point. While I'm gone he gets angry over little things, steals his sister's 8 dollars in quarters (I know it's not a lot but she earned it), and then to top it off he put a knife to her throat and asked her if she was scared yet. He left that day, I have not heard from him. He has not logged onto facebook at all and I have no clue what is happening with him... I can't help but worry. He has threatened suicide numerous times to me the past couple years but I'm scared he actually went through with it. I'm at my breaking point but still worried as a mom would be.
Yes we have taken him to counseling and he wants nothing to do with the hospital, pills, or AA/NA. I just don't know what to do anymore except sit here and think about him. He isn't welcome back because his siblings cannot feel uncomfortable in their own home but to just know where he is at and alive would help

 

[A dad]

I am sorry for what you are going trough. My first question is what did your brother did that put him on the right track?
Second why did he lost his job? Was it because of his behaviour or because of something not related to him like banckrupcy?
Is there any way for him to go back in that small town he lived before?
You should really not have convinced himto move back with you adult children and younger children do not get along more so dificult adult children.

 

[stormyweather]

My brother did nothing except take all his money and then kick him out. He stayed with a friend for a short time until he raised the funds for an apartment.
He always loses his jobs because he can't show up to work on time or misses too many days. But it's never his fault, he tells me that all the time.
And now I know I shouldn't have talked him into moving back in, he was seriously depressed and being mom I wanted to help him get a fresh start. For all I know he went back to the small town he was in. Most of his stuff was still there. Now I'm petrified of going to sleep in case he tries to get in, I knew he was unstable but after scaring his sister like that I didn't realize how unstable he was.
We really think he left because he realized what he did and how messed up it was. He knew his dad and I wouldn't tolerate it

 

[RN0441]

Hi Stormy!

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you need it but glad we're here for you.

You'll get great advice here from parents who get it and are going through similar journeys with their adult children.

First of all, you really need to not let him in your home any longer. You deserve peace and safety. Especially when younger children are involved.

It sounds like he is using drugs if this is how he is acting. Drugs change people. I have a son like that as well but thankfully he has never shown violence. We sent him 1500 miles away in March to a treatment center after many years of enduring bouts of drug use. When he was sober he still did nothing with his life. Now he has to sink or swim so to speak. I seriously doubt he'll ever live with us again and I can tell you for sure that if he held a knife on anyone in my home that he would most certainly not be allowed back. Bad things can happen. The thought of even seeing him makes me extremely anxious.

If he does not want help there is nothing you can do. Anything we, as loving parents, try to do to fix things ends up being enabling them and that is not what you want to be doing. It won't help you and it definitely won't help him. I have learned how to be stronger and not enable due to this site and seeing a therapist. It's very hard because is goes against our motherly instinct. You cannot mother an addict like you do your other children. It does not work.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and try to detach from him as much as possible. It doesn't mean you don't love him but it means that you are stepping back and letting him have consequences for his actions. If we absorb the consequences they never learn.

Stay strong and others that have way more knowledge than I do I'm sure will post soon! I'm still learning too!

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Stormy. My heart goes out to you. Try hard to concentrate on yourself, your husband, your other children.

Now I'm petrified of going to sleep in case he tries to get in, I knew he was unstable but after scaring his sister like that I didn't realize how unstable he was.

Take small steps to secure a peaceful home, whatever that is to you. You all deserve that. We changed the locks (twice) at current home and put in security system at previous home. You shouldn't have to live in fear of any adult, especially your son.

We really think he left because he realized what he did and how messed up it was. He knew his dad and I wouldn't tolerate it

This is good, if he got it. Truth is, you could have pressed charges and you didn't. Your son is a man now, even if he doesn't act it. He will need to come to the point of wanting to clean up on his own. It's really out of your hands. I know it's not out of your heart-that's a whole different thing. I know you are worried about something horrible happening, but they always seem to contact us sooner or later. This is a good time to solidify with your husband what future involvement might look like, specifically your assistance to him. If you can set rules for yourself now, it will be easier to keep them at a later date. (note, these are rules for you, not what he needs to do). Read the "article on detachment" at the top of parent emeritus site.
We also let our son come home to live a couple of times, never again, sadly to say. Sadly for me, because I still so want to "fix it". There is freedom in acknowledging that I finally can't.
So, we go on with our lives, ever hopeful that he finds his way. We don't love him any less (probably more in fact), but we love us too. Prayers.

 

[stormyweather]

He is lucky he didn't come back, we were ready to press charges. Actually my husband and I discussed it and we were going to give him 3 choices. 1- leave and never come back until he has gotten help 2- go admit himself to a hospital 3- get upset about leaving he would still leave and press charges against him.
The thought just keeps going through my head what I could've come home to.
We are typically a peaceful home and we try not to let the little ones get involved so they can continue to be kids. Putting a security system actually crossed my mind last night and I was going to run it by my husband when he got home. This is coming from someone that has never had to lock the doors because I never worried. And it being my son makes it worse. I at least need a dog so I can hear if someone comes over at any time. I just have to let go, like I've almost accomplished many times but he keeps coming back

 

[RN0441]

Stormy:

Have you considered going to AA or therapy for yourself? I know that I had to to help me deal with my son's issues and how to keep firm boundaries.

I don't want to be doing this with him ten years from now. Luckily my husband is very strong and I finally starting listening to him!! I had been thinking with my heart instead of my head. It's SO SO very hard to go through this.

I saw pictures of a family vacation we all took seven years ago on Timehop yesterday. It made me so sad because if I had known then what I know now...wow. I am not that woman anymore sadly.

 

[stormyweather]

I have thought about therapy, never thought I'd need it but seriously considering it now. My husband is very supportive but also very quiet and doesn't speak his thoughts very often. He is also very passive so it helps me but he doesn't seem to get as upset as I do. Even though he probably is. I about cried with your comment about the vacation, I almost always tear up when I see past vacation posts of mine.
I will be strong through this and become a stronger person. The other kids are observant and are determined to not follow in his footsteps. I think that is why he is so against his sister because she is taking a completely different route because she saw what he put us through. I just never thought he was so jealous

 

[RN0441]

Stormy:

I went to therapy when my son first started acting out for a few months. Then after he overdosed on Father's Day while in Florida after four months of doing very well. It just devastated me. I couldn't stop replaying it in my head over and over.

She told me I'm in mourning for him. I believe her.

 

[mof]

I get the mourning! The darn vacation photos.

Stormy, I pray he gets help. All you can do is let him know where help is. He is too unstable to be with his family...y our u love him but cannot help him.

I assume he is on drugs still and may have a mental illness....hoping he gets help.

Peace to your family.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Welcome and sorry.

How is your daughter holding up? That sounds like a very traumatic even to me. Honestly, I would go to the police and seek a protective order on her behalf. That way, if he does return to the home you have some recourse.

The police will also need a head's up regarding his potentially violent behavior.

I would also seek family counseling. There is, clearly, something very wrong with your son. Whether it is drugs or mental illness or a combination of the 2 no one really knows.

I 2nd the security system.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Stormy, we're glad you're here. My son was addicted to substances for several years, and I think it began with sneaking beer in middle school, progressing to opiates and pot and who knows what else.

I had to kick him out and completely let go of him before he began to change a little more than 2 years ago.

He had many chances. One of the final straws was him stealing from me when he lived with me. You can't live in a house with someone who is stealing from you. You can't rest, not knowing if everything you own is going to be snatched away and sold for drug money. My son stole from many people.

My son is now 27. I know you are his mother and you love him, but believe me, you can't fix this, and if he's a drug addict or alcoholic, having him in your home just won't work.

Like RN said, you can't parent an addict like you parent your other children.

I would work to emotionally let go of him right now. That doesn't mean forever. Who knows when he will decide that this way of life isn't for him? That is going to be on his timeline and his decision---not yours. It took me a long time to see that.

In the meantime, let me suggest the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and the book CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Please consider going to an Al-Anon meeting (go to 6 before you decide if Al-Anon is for you or not). Al-Anon saved my life. It is a wonderful program.

And please keep posting here. We get it and we care. Warm hugs.