Lunch

[newstart]

We met our daughter for lunch yesterday. She came to my house and gave me a genuine hug. I hugged her back. My daughter looks different, she tells me she does not dye her hair yet it is obviously dyed. I let that go. Then she tells me her schedule, bits and pieces in there that maybe true, I just listen and did not question. The boyfriend is not to be mentioned. She wants to live two complete separate lives. He is living in his deceased mothers home, his sister is paying the rent until Dec and then I have no idea where he will end up. Months ago she asked me to get the app on my phone, 'find my friends' she wanted to see where I was going, I can see the places she goes too. I think she thinks I do not check it but I do. Because of that app I can bust her right and left with lies, again I just let that go and just listen to the tone.
My daughter was glad that I talked to her. She knows I had to end my relationships with her bipolar relatives for my own health. She knows her dad had to do the same thing. She does not know how close she comes to me cutting all contact. She said she was sorry for the cruel things she said. She maybe sorry for this go around but that does not count for the next. If I just keep everything superficial and don't ask questions we can at least sit together. This is extremely hard for me to keep up with because in reality it is not a relationship it is a couple of people making statements to each other.
I could not do this with my in laws. There was no sense in working that hard for such crap. I have always had to do the heavy lifting with all of them. It is truly too much work. So here I am with my daughter.

Years ago I promised myself that I will not tolerate that type of behavior and here I am again, same type of abuse but this time it is my daughter. Somewhere in all that static noise in her head I think while not manic she does love me.

I have to lower my expectations, I know this. It is just that I know she is capable of so much more. I know I will be at more peace if I just don't expect anything and just watch things unfold... I think I will just look at her when she lies and just listen to tone. At this point I do not think she can stop lying. Her words are rumbling noise that come out like a chatter that has no direction. Thank you all that have contributed to my SOS calls. Sometimes I feel so weighted down, like 10 elephants are sitting on me at the same time.

 

[Crayola13]

I think some people actually believe the lies they tell. I have an aunt like that.

It was nice that you both were able to make the effort to have a decent lunch. Maybe not a great lunch, but it sounds like it was civil.

 

[newstart]

Thank you Crayola13, We did have a civil lunch, at least my daughter and I did. My daughter was not wanting to wear a mask when we went places and it sent my husband to the moon, she is very rebellious about wearing one. The reason businesses are running is because people are wearing masks so we do it out or respect for their business and fellow man. Last Nov when I got what I believe was the COVID after being out of the country on a cruise, I wore a mask out of courtesy because I knew if someone was not healthy this stuff would kill them. I instinctively wore one. My daughter also got sick ended up in the E.R. twice, she went on the cruise with me. I asked her to wear a mask so no one weak would die. I bought several masks, this was before I knew anything about COVID. Also my daughter's boyfriends mother died last Dec from the flu. They did not test her for COVID. We think it was COVID. So there is all that and she still will not wear a mask. My husband was so put out with her that he watched TV while eating out. He knows I do not like when he does that but he just did not want to talk with our daughter. All and all it went fairly well or civil.

 

[Beta]

Newstart, the sadness really comes through your post, and I'm sorry. The "what might have been" feeling we all live with is so easily recognizable. I am glad that you and she were able to at least spend time together. It's hard not to take the lying personally, I know. We don't know if Josh is really working as he claims or not, and he still skirts around giving us his mailing address in Phoenix.

 

[BusynMember1]

New start hi. I am glad you can have some sort of way to relate to your daughter. May I ask why you want an app on your phone to know where she is? That sounds extreme for her age. It doesn't help either of you to catch her in lies. That will just make you and her angry. Even my nice kids would not allow that. That in my opinion is for minor kids.

We want to hang on. I wish I could. But for me and Kay knowing less is better. I can't change her and it just hurts more to know where she goes.

Hugs and prayers.

 

[newstart]

BusynMember, The find my friends app was all my daughter's idea. On top of everything else my daughter is paranoid. She was able to see where I was at all times but turned me off so I could not see where she was, she told me it was not working. I busted her in that lie and told her I would take her completely off of mine, then she decided she better put me back on hers.. My daughter and I took years of self defense classes and one of things we learned was that someone needs to know where you are all the time. It gives her comfort to know where I am. It also lets me know the truth to where she is. When we were not talking, it gave me comfort to know that she was still alive.

Since she lies so much to her boyfriend and does not want us to talk to him, she wants to know that we are not meeting him somewhere to discuss her. We would not do that but she is that paranoid. At this point I think having the app is a good thing since she lives such a scattered lifestyle.
I know there is a way to rig the app to make it say you are somewhere that you are not. I think she is where the app says she is.
With Covid there are not that many places that you can be.

My daughter was trying to tell her dad that I was over at her house everyday starting at 7 A.M. When he was out of town. We have a fabulous ring system at our home so my husband looked at the history and no way was I over there that early or that much.
My daughter was doing the same thing as my bipolar mother in law did. She would get overly angry over something small and then make up some story to justify her being so deeply angry. My daughter was trying to tell her dad I was at her house 24/7 while he was gone, to justify her anger. My husband told her he looked at the ring and that was not what it showed. Also I could/would not spend that much time with her anyway.

We are suppose to have dinner together tomorrow. I just pray it goes well.

 

[TerriH]

My bipolar daughter lied constantly as a teen.

Now that she is in her mid-20's the lies have become rare. She still has a quick temper but she only gets angry about nothing when she is cycling: it is as though she feels angry and assumes she is angry because of xyz, but in reality she is angry when she is manic.

I know she is manic when her speech becomes rushed and then I take a step back until the mania has passed.

She is now a housewife in another state. We do talk on the phone and we see her every few months. She and her husband are building a life for themselves, and I am proud of her. I do not know how old your daughter is, but with hard work and counseling even folks with bipolar can function most of the time. A person in a manic state can be exhausting but I am no longer her main support system, and so we talk on the phone when she needs to chatter and this is actually working

 

[newstart]

Hi TeriH I am glad to hear you daughter has stopped the lying. My daughter is 38 and while manic the lies are out in full force. I am glad things are working out for you and that your daughter has settled with her husband. I am happy that your daughter has found someone that is accepting of her condition and sounds like willing to work with it.

 

[TerriH]

Newstart I think that many people with bipolar hold themselves to standards that they can never meet. No matter how hard they try they WILL have periods of mood swings, and it is no use thinking that they are bad people because they had a tantrum out of something insignificant. I suspect that is one reason for the lying, though I am guessing. I suspect they are trying to write a better reality. When my daughter was a teen if she said the sun was shining I would reach for an umbrella

My son in law has his issues and she has her's, and together they lean on each other. Fortunately they are NOT! both bipolar: 2 bipolars under one roof will feed off of each others symptoms and spiral out of control. At least that is what happened with my daughter and her younger brother, and again with my daughter and a young man who also had bipolar that she dated for all of 2-3 days. 2 people who are manic at the same time can be rather explosive. Today my daughter and this young man are still friends, but when they dated as teenagers they had a flaming row and did not speak to each other for months.

 

[TerriH]

Oh, yes. It is the boy she dated she broke up with, not the young man she married. She has been married for 3 years, now