Madness

[Copabanana]

Sam. That was a beautiful post. My only thing to say is stubborn and stupid. I know better.

But all I want is that my boy be OK. Be safe. I know he is almost 29. I know. I want my baby to be safe. And I cannot save him. And he is getting worse.

 

[Copabanana]

Lol. (Sorry. auto corrected lbl to lol. Trust me. no laughing.)

You know I know a lot of how you feel.

But.

You are very very strong. Thank you for being here with me you guys.

 

[Sam3]

Sam. That was a beautiful post. My only thing to say is stubborn and stupid. I know better.

But all I want is that my boy be OK. Be safe. I know he is almost 29. I know. I want my baby to be safe. And I cannot save him. And he is getting worse.

I am so sorry this is where things are. I dont want to keep posting about silver linings if there's some different perspective that would bring you some relief.

 

[Copabanana]

Sam. I acknowledge my commitment to him. I am grateful for any wisdom gained. I am gratified to go through this with others who understand and whose suffering can be illuminated through my own. There is nothing better or different that you or anybody could say or write that would lighten my pain. My fear. Except this. A dream. A fantasy.

Your boy will be okay. This will pass. It is not your fault. He will be okay. Your love is making him okay.

I do not want to be a grown up right now. I want wishes to come true.

Sorry.

PS I loved your post.

 

[Sam3]

Sam. I acknowledge my commitment to him. I am grateful for any wisdom gained. I am gratified to go through this with others who understand and whose suffering can be illuminated through my own. There is nothing better or different that you or anybody could say or write that would lighten my pain. My fear. Except this. A dream. A fantasy.

Your boy will be okay. This will pass. It is not your fault. He will be okay. Your love is making him okay.

I do not want to be a grown up right now. I want wishes to come true.

Sorry.

PS I loved your post.

Hugs.

 

[Sam3]

He tiraded me again after letting him stay his birthday weekend. Dozens of little gems I wish I could erase from my memories -- none of which would
win awards for originality on this board, but including accusing me of turning him to harder drugs that would clear more quickly, by testing him; that I flat out parented him wrong; and am a terrible parent to my other children which will bear out with time.

Topped off with the least original of all, the "FYou"s and "you're an Fing B".

I later received a call from a mom who says she has been housing him for the summer, and judging me for letting that happen and not reaching out to her. And also informing me that his girlfriend's family housed him for a couple months before that.

I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I didn't know he was living with that friend and his mom for the summer.

He preyed on our emotions by talking about how hard it was to be homeless. not knowing where he was going to sleep from night to night, and sometimes sleeping outside.

I know none of these things are unprecedented here.

But it feels like something has shifted inside me.

Have any of you experienced a point of no return, where you know that you will never forget the lines they crossed even if things can improve somewhat?

Like you have been manipulated past the point where you could respect them?

Like the sum total of behaviors makes it not just behaviors anymore? That you don't like the person?

 

[Shelley]

I spoke too soon. After being told hours earlier that whatever was going on he can not be here altered or holding, he came home both last night with siblings still awake on a school night. I'm heartbroken this boundary has been breached.

His tone went from the usual to somewhat remorseful (especially when he realized how obvious he was and how much the other two have already been through) But he is still spinning it as some kind of " family" management issue rather than his substance use issue. Notwithstanding all my prep for a relapse and a detached response, the first time this reared its ugly head in my face again after two years I was blind with emotion. I succeeded only somewhat in tamping down the "WTFs?"

But we did hold firm that we will find him a room with meals if he cannot stay with friends. I had done a lot of soul searching about whether more damage was being done from not being home for a few months. Though at the time we got him a sober living bed (which he promptly left) the problem was only publicly a failure to launch. I know most people believe in the rock bottom being hastened by homelessness but I've read too that some had mixed feelings because their kids languished in homelessness. He was never a homebody or "family man" but I do believe he needs a home to keep a vision of a positive future in mind. In true ODD fashion, he has never ever been motivated by punishment.

That said we will have to give him the sense of family and grounding to work back toward somehow.

In the throes in the last 48 hours

Yesterday after saying no to a request for the car around lunchtime he launched into a full throated come to Jesus monologue about how mistaken and damaging we have been as parents, complete with hating and cursing.

This morning he apologized for being too harsh and we had a long calm conversation where we gave and listened. It felt sincere and I'm very stingy about awarding that conclusion.

An hour later the same raging after I refused another request this time for more weekly money with name calling, suggestions he could just deal some more etc

He seemed more clear but aggressive yesterday, clear and tired this morning, and seemed off for the last one. I guess it's possible he got altered in his room.

Its the first time I've experienced this rapid whiplash. I know drugging and withdrawal cause rage but this rapid cycling is a new thing.

I'm keeping a distance but wanted some of your reflections

 

[Shelley]

The rapid cycle from drugs sounds to me like Meth. All drugs cause mood swings that make them seem manic when they come down. I don't know your son's age but if he is over 18 and not in recovery he should not be in your home. If they are moving freight trains on drugs step out of the way and let them learn from the crash. It is also very important for their self worth that they do take care of their problems. My son is 40, he is dual diagnosis but he was also enabled for many years. I even rented apartments for him and I had to pay big time for the homeless he invited in, the drugs he used and cigarettes he smoked in his apartment. I paid for 3 private very expensive rehabs and used 3 County Rehabs....no difference so save your money. He does want to stay clean but not enough to stay clean. It is very difficult to quit not just the drugs but the lifestyle they become accustom to, addicts accept each other without much qualifications

 

[Copabanana]

ok. i have reached that point of no return. say. 897 times.

my son did the same thing. betrayal. for years. he gossiped about me to neighbors and so called friends. i was as much called a bad mother. a so called friend who owns a motel on a ritzy beach took him in no strings for over 2 years asking nothing. then over time they turned their back and spurned and dumped him.

all of it broke my heart. and kept breaking it.

you are the one who wrote something like this.

you know you can love somebody with all your heart and soul. unconditionally. not everybody does.

what to do? he is being mean and cruel. don't take it. none of what he says is true. your stance as a parent now is to not let him hurt you. that is what is best for him. that is what i think.

i am sorry.

 

[Copabanana]

shelley. hi. welcome.

i bought and remodeled a home for my sob! (uh oh. that was supposed to be son. who actually can be a very nice person.) in the week before he left our town he put holes through walls and 100 year old cabinets. we had spent a year and thousands of dollars lovingly remodeling.

and still when he told me he had been robbed at gunpoint i lasted only 3 days before i told him to come back!

he did not. i came to my senses.

 

[Shelley]

shelley. hi. welcome.

i bought and remodeled a home for my sob! (uh oh. that was supposed to be son. who actually can be a very nice person.) in the week before he left our town he put holes through walls and 100 year old cabinets. we had spent a year and thousands of dollars lovingly remodeling.

and still when he told me he had been robbed at gunpoint i lasted only 3 days before i told him to come back!

he did not. i came to my senses.

LOL!!! Maybe sob was a Freudian slip! We sob for our son's who also act like s.o.b.'s! I remember holes in the walls, my son put posters over them, one day I was dusting like Cinderella and the wall behind the poster felt hollow......surprise surprise HOLES!

 

[Littleboylost]

win awards for originality on this board, but including accusing me of turning him to harder drugs that would clear more quickly, by testing him; that I flat out parented him wrong; and am a terrible parent to my other children which will bear out with time.

Sam my son is turning 18 in October. I can't stand the sight of him. Having him in my home gives me PTSD.
He is inredictable and lies contributes nothing to the household and o have heard the exact same gas lighting as you have.
I love my son and how I raised him proves that. He may well have a mixed disorder and we have done everything in our power to support and love him.

He is here while he waits for a long term rehab bed. It is clear that he is trying to sabotage this effort.

We are stuck in a system that declares he is not capable of being in his own that he may well have and underlying mental health issue; but he has the capacity to refuse care.

Well sorry no more monkey in the middle and being the brunt of his abusive drugging life style. If he can chose to drug and party he can chose help and therapy.

We have made it very clear if he refuses long term therapy he can't stay here. We will not docmore then seek a room for him to rent to get him started on his own. To do anything else would be to enable him and ruin three lives instead of one.

You are not alone Sam. Gas lighting can really take its toll.

 

[RN0441]

Sam

Yes I have been there and back MANY times. Husband and I said we'd rather see him dead than live as an addict. Yes I said that. The heartbreak is too difficult and we know he is not happy doing this life but as you said Shelley he wants to be sober but not enough to be sober.

But then as long as they are alive there is hope. I agree that if they are over 18 and using they should not be in your home. That doesn't mean that you won't go through many rehabs and sobriety and relapse and etc. etc. It's horrible to be a ride along in our addict's journey.

Our son is entering a faith based long term program in a few weeks and he seems to be embracing it. We have tried everything else and again I am feeling some hope. Scared to though!

 

[Copabanana]

m has observed the give an inch syndrome. or as i prefer to describe it--give them a hand and they eat your arm.

you gave him a beautiful birthday party. in his mind he turned into george clooney. adoration. paparazzi. fame. millions. he deserves it all. in his mind. in his dreams!

this is a pattern. there is no good day that they do not try to turn into entitlement.

this is one reason for strong boundaries. they cannot bear our boundaries to slip because they have none.

i do not think my son intended to hurt us when he punched holes in the house. i think it is more he sees no need to guard us from himself. even though it amounts to the same thing.

 

[Littleboylost]

give them a hand and they eat your arm.

Best quote ever!

 

[Sam3]

Mine just came home to pack up another bag after he walked right in to another steaming pile.

My husband rented a short term apartment so he would have a place to sleep and eat. The rules were simple. No substances, no visitors. My husband had the only key and would let him in, sleep there many times himself and do unannounced checks when he couldn't. A huge and maybe ridiculous sacrafice to keep a roof over his head after he messed up the experiment to let him back home.

So my husband found an empty bottle in his backpack yesterday morning, confronted him with it and told him he would talk to him later about what's next. He walked in there last night to a group of 6-7 smoking pot and drinking. Oh, and he says he lost his phone.

I had nothing for him except. "Do you see the pattern here? "

We will support detox, rehab, sober living, therapy and/or finishing high school.

I am without words.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh FFS enough is enough. I just only have so much compassion before I loose my crap.

Mine has a new great plan. 3 guys 1 girl all on social assistance omen worh disability for MH are all good to rent a house togearher. Can you say instant show? But hey its far better than recognizing the pattern of a problem and getting help right?

Sigh I gotta go to bed.

 

[Sam3]

God I hope my son isn't reading this forum. Or he would think that government funded flop house idea was pure f'ing genius.

When he was very little he said he and our good friends' three boys would all live together someday and his own little brother would be the worker!