Message I sent to my Difficult Child today...

[ksm]

After a rough morning...

Jxxxxx, I am tired of you playing the adult card then playing the I need help I am a child card. You don't get to enjoy the perks of both. You can't say "I am an adult, it's my money, you can't tell me what to do" then ask for money because you didn't plan ahead. You can't expect for someone to let you drive their car, then be unable to pay for gas., or act unappreciative. You can't live in someone's home, then trash it. You can't say you were getting up when you weren't. You can't expect to get to work or school on time when you aren't prepared. You can't complain that I dropped the ball about prom, then complain that I micro manage you when you need to do things on your own. You were told before spring break that I expected your room and bathroom needed to be cleaned up, but it is worse now than before. You treat the one person who wants the best for you, the worst. So, I either keep my mouth shut, keep my car, keep my money, and keep my advice to myself. Or, if you are willing to take, take, take, then that is going to include guidance, with out staring blankly at a wall, or rolling your eyes, or saying "I am done!" Because adults realize that life is a long series of compromises. Not a long series of expecting others to give you what you want. The real world doesn't work that way.

....and I did get an "I'm sorry". But it isn't near enough. I am ready for her to move out, even though there is two more months of high school. I am just tired of this disrespect. ksm

 

[Lil]

Yep. So is the Difficult Child life. Even in his current situation, we may get the expressions of gratitude for the things we are doing, but we get major attitude if we dare suggest guidance. He got mad at me yesterday for "starting in about money" when I mentioned they needed to be really looking for work.

Hang in there.

 

[ksm]

If I am giving someone my money, then they can expect some advice, and better take the advice or it is the last time. Even if it is only $2 for a hamburger at McDonalds.

Her older brother is coming for a visit in 2 days, I had planned for Difficult Child to stay in younger sis's room and let brother have hers. I wouldn't het anyone in that room but her. Plus the bathroom is bad, too. Guess we are giving up our room, or putting him in the family room... Both girls have the largest bedrooms in the house, I am talking huge, with walk in closets, and share a bath and have the upstairs to themselves. husband and I have the smallest...on the main floor maybe 10x10 sq ft with a queen bed. And about a 3 ft closet. We don't feel comfortable putting one of the girls on the main floor, as they would sneak out or sneak someone in. And if they share a room, there would be 24/7 drama. I would feel sorry for younger sis, as I couldn't share a room with Difficult Child either! Sharing a house with her is driving me crazy. KSM

 

[BusynMember]

When I wrote letters to goneboy, and they were loving and apologetic (although I was never sure what I did wrong...I have a bad habit of taking all the blame.) Or I used to.

I digress. He belittled them with his wife, archived them in his computer to laugh at in the future, and it made me think hard about committing to paper.

Do they read our words or do they twist our words in their heads? Do they use our loving words against us later? Do they even read them?

My conclusion, which could be right or wrong, is that letters are mostly for us, so that our kids read our words and the letter is a turning point of some sort.

From what I've read here for do many years, it doesn't change anything. The letter made us feel better, but I've never read about good results.

Myself, i stopped communicating with goneboy years ago. I won't ever write a "from the heart" letter again. Nothing on paper. I do like respect and the letters gave him more reasons to hang onto his anger and disrespect.

Ksm, at least she apologized. Hugs!!

 

[ksm]

SWOT, I understand your point. But i can't talk to her without both of us getting frustrated. Since she is still living in our home, some communication has to happen. For her, she can read it with out getting attitude right back, which would happen if I said that to her face. Then, I can cool down before she comes home (12 hours later today, as she works after school...YEA!). With her, it seems to help for a day or two. KSM

 

[BusynMember]

Thats good, ksm. As long as she wont use it against you, sounds like it works well for you.

Have a good day!!!

 

[Lookingforthelight]

I love this KSM. I think I'm going to copy and paste should my daughter ever reach out and ask to come home.

 

[New Leaf]

Love this KSM, I hope you kept a copy for yourself. It a a good reminder of all you have gone through and all you have done for this child.
I think the kids need to know where we are coming from and you put it on paper for her to see.
Good.
She needs that.
I hope she will take it to heart
and be more respectful.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Childofmine]

Ksm, I think sometimes we just have to put it all down in writing and give it to them. It helps us even if nothing changes significantly. I would write letters periodically to Difficult Child to get it all out of my head and in front of him without interruption. It did help me.

Also I agree with the others who suggest that you print this out and keep it handy. Then you can whip it out in a weak moment and read it to yourself before you make the next decision.

Hang in there. She's 17 and about to reach maturity. You're tired of it all. That is completely understandable and I hope she does move out soon, and then...you get the big bedroom!!! Yay! Better days are ahead!

Warm hugs tonight.

 

[ksm]

Childofmine, she turned 18 over a week ago. Now she thinks she is an adult...but still acting 13... Ksm