Messages from my son........

[MommaTried24]

Yesterday I received these text messages from my 28 year old epileptic alcoholic son:

I'm so sorry for all the stress I put you through, especially when I was drinking at my heaviest living alone. You would come to go out to eat together not knowing if I would even be alive when you got to my apartment. I can't imagine how stressful that was for you. (This was 8 years ago when he had his first apartment I got him.)

I moved out of Wesley's to help me on my path to sobriety. I just couldn't be around the drinking all day every day. I'm working part-time at a restaurant washing dishes and staying temporarily with a friend who is a full-time cook at the same restaurant. I'm also working on getting my own place in the apartment complex that she lives in.

I got this on my own like I told my dad the other day. I got myself into addiction on my own and I can get myself out and once I do, you and I both can proudly say that I was able to do this 100% on my own.

It all sounds so great right? I find myself immediately wanting to jump in and help him. It's the most honest and sincere he's ever sounded but I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I tried to stay neutral yet encouraging and proud. I just don't know when it's ok to help and when it's not? Every time I've helped him, a few months later he drinks. I've just become numb at this point.

 

[Nandina]

MommaTried24, it sounds like your son doesn’t need your help right now. If he wants to do it on his own, I would let him. After all, he is 28 and old enough to make his own decisions and in fact, sounds proud to do so. I would praise, encourage, and provide moral support and not expect any outcome but let him find his way. It sounds like he is trying and I think that’s great news!

Best wishes to you and your son as he learns to become independent and maintain his sobriety.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi MommaT,
Wow. That is quite the message.

It all sounds so great right? I find myself immediately wanting to jump in and help him. It's the most honest and sincere he's ever sounded but I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I tried to stay neutral yet encouraging and proud. I just don't know when it's ok to help and when it's not? Every time I've helped him, a few months later he drinks. I've just become numb at this point.

How I relate to the “jump in and help” reaction. I will tell you what happened to me when Tornado did her first rehab stint. I jumped in. She would make requests for clothes, toiletries, cigarettes. I would visit. I didn’t see that I got right back on the attachment, enabling train and she took full advantage of that. It’s a learning curve. Relapse is common. When she abruptly left rehab, I broke down and sobbed. Now, after several attempts and relapses, I try to sit with those feelings of rescue mode and over involvement, and am resolved to be cautiously optimistic, rather than going all in with my heart. Turns out, if she wants to work at sobriety there are many agencies that will help her. I hope the same is true where your son is at and he will avail himself of the help there is. I think exercising detachment is crucial for us and our wayward adult children. It doesn’t mean we ignore them, just that we are not so vested in an outcome that if it doesn’t happen, we are back to square one. ( Note to self)
My daughter has never fully apologized for the harm done due to her drug use. She has not reached that stage. I thought that it would be the first step, but reviewing the 12 steps, apologies and making amends is step 5, 8 and 9. I can see now that it is crucial for people with addiction, alcoholism to strengthen themselves before reviewing the road they have traveled. I pray your son is successful in his seeking sobriety. Like Nandina wrote, it seems he is determined to work this on his own.

I would praise, encourage, and provide moral support and not expect any outcome but let him find his way. It sounds like he is trying and I think that’s great news!

I agree.
My challenge this time around that Tornado is in jail and headed towards another stint in rehab, is to try my best to remain detached from whatever the outcome may be. I have a propensity to ruminate and dive right in. (Ouch).
Stay strong MT24. Keep working on yourself for a healthy response to this latest news and whatever the future holds. I’m going to do that too. Hopeful, but realistic. Loving without “rescuing”.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[MommaTried24]

You're so right Nandina. I need to let him do this on his own. I just can't help but want to reward for coming to this realization I guess? Thank you!

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you New Leaf! I know so many on this forum are like us in wanting to jump in and help at the first sign of hope. The messages from him were almost shocking this time yet long overdue. Wow is right and it's exactly what I said. LOL!

I'm very mentally unhealthy in this world of alcoholism combined with the epilepsy and always unsure of how I am responding. I question my every move as his mother because I feel like I've failed so miserably. I've tried so hard in the past and still wanting to do everything just right. We think FINALLY they are getting it and there is hope only to be let down time and time again. Like you, I've helped and helped (whether it's in rehab or straight out of jail) only to feel used, disappointed and heartbroken all over again. Unfortunately, I know you know how this feels.

So many times in life as a grown adult, I've needed my mother and she was always there for me. However, I was never addicted to anything. I was the good, considerate, hardworking kid. It's learned behavior to want to do for him what my mom was able to do for me. Nandina is right though, he's 28 years old and seems to want to do this one his own. If I intervene again, maybe it will make him feel like I don't think he can do it on his own? I think he can, I just know how hard life is for normal people to make it, much less an epileptic who has alcoholism. I am going to stay the course and let go and let God. All I can do is keep praying God will send him the right people to help him through. Time has proven that that person isn't me. I've made it clear that he has access to help. He is disabled and on Medicare so he could enter back into rehab if he's really serious and ends up with no place to go.

Thanks again to both New Leaf and Nandina for your responses. I went to an Alanon meeting today so feeling a little better about it.

 

[Nandina]

MT24 you are doing great! I think having a child with a disability makes you more apt to jump in and help out but he is at the age where a lot of young men naturally begin to mature, usually in their late 20s. The fact that he wants to do it on his own and expresses it so adamantly tells me that there is hope. And, as New Leaf said, relapses can be discouraging but it sounds to me like your son, in spite of his challenges, wants very much to work on himself. At least the intent is there and that is more than many parents of wayward kids have.

I know this might not ease your mind much as you have been on the roller coaster of getting hopes up only to be let down time and time again. But it sounds like you have done your job. Let him grow up, encourage him and if he stumbles, be there to support and love him no matter what. That is all any of us can do.

Please continue to post here. We are here to support you in times of joy or sorrow so please stay in touch.

 

[MommaTried24]

Nandina, thank you so much. Those are the exact words I needed to read this morning. I am alone so I really don't have anyone to lean on through all of this. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me. I will definitely be staying on here posting and keeping in touch. I'm so grateful to have you all.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with the rest. These are grown adult people. Why create the fantasy that parents of adults can make it all better? It doesn't work for them or for us. Let him find the life he can create and wants to create for himself. I backed off. It was the best thing I did.

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you Copabanana! That's what I'm doing so I'm glad to know it was the best thing you did too.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi MommaTried…

It sounds to me like your son is taking a look outside himself regarding your feelings. This shows a lot of growth in my opinion. I can’t even get middle aged family members to look outside themselves and take my feelings into consideration.

I’m glad your son is trying so hard. I pray he succeeds this time with sobriety and taking care of himself.

With God all things are possible.
Love
LMS

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you LMS. It does feel like he's gained some growth and I so get what you're saying about a lot of people who can't look outside themselves when it comes to others. All I can do is keep praying. My son has had it extremely hard and he certainly deserves a break and some good things to happen to him for a change.

Thanks again and I hope you have a good day!