Missing Daughter....wondering what to do? Does it get easier???

[ISPEAKWHALE2]

My daughter is 21 years old, In High school she tried to hurt herself in her senior year. She tried this in class, was handcuffed sent to a hospital and then to hospital two hours away for three days. She came back and we have seen three psychologists and tried numerous drugs. She was diagnosed with a identity disorder and depression with psychotic tendencies ( she was hearing things and seeing things too). She wanted to go away for school, so she did, that lasted about 6 weeks and her counselor called and stated she needed to come home (severe depression). She did found a job working at a grocery store. She started college here and each semester has been one excuse and lie after another as to why her grades are not good. She has had three accidents with our car and did not even pay to fix the last one. Had been paying for her insurance tho. She meet a a guy in Oct 2015 and has been staying with him off and on until she attacked me in Dec and I kicked her out. I did call the police and they were three hours late, by then I did not want to press charges. I had on one other occasion called the police when she was not allowed to go somewhere and literally threw herself on the ground like a 2 year old, mind u she was in her late teens. She spends her money on video games, Anime and furry outfits. (Furcon)
Like comic con but thy dress up in furry outfits and basically party in big cities at conventions for them. Our relationship lately has been up and down and I finally asked her to moved out. She moved out with boyfriend whose 31. Left all her belongings here for me to pack along with her animals.... just left.... I sold the car that she was driving and turned off her phone when she called her dad an unmentionable name when he didnt agree with her antics. Last I heard she was getting counseling at college and been diagnosed with PTSD .....uh yes from living with me. Next thing I knew she posted she had PTSD all over Facebook and she stated could write a book on it. I asked her to take it down which ensued with a fight and her basically telling me she would make it in this world without me or see her name in the obits.
She has a 18 year old brother who has ADHD and Aspergers. He is very high functioning but was a real challenge when he was younger. Hes graduating from HS this year and has come so far.....
I am sick that it has come to this with her, everyone I talk to is like I need to let it be and let her figure things out, but since she has hurt herself thats hard....We were so close, she was an easy kid, independent.....No sign of anything wrong until she was a senior.

 

[Kalahou]

Hello Ispeakwhale,

Welcome to the forum. I am just acknowledging your post. You have found a safe place to here to share and seek insight and wisdom from the folks who all understand too well the type of understandable confusion and heartache you are experiencing. I am thankful for this group. Your daughter is still so young, so I understand your pain in being fearful and concerned for her.

You did the right thing in asking your daughter to leave your home. You sound like a strong person. One of the first things you might do on this site is read the Detachment Article at the top of this forum. Here’s the link. http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz487YwFtvs

We need to lovingly detach from the emotions, fear and guilt we have all felt at one time or other about our difficult children. And yes, I do believe it gets easier in the sense that as we learn more, and don’t hide the truth, and learn to detach, it is very liberating. It is such a relief just to put it all out on this forum and know the people here understand, and have been through similar things, and even more difficult things than we might have thought bearable, and that you are not alone.

Just remember what your daughter has done / is doing and what you are going through in dealing with her situation and its effect on you, has nothing to do with you, in the sense that you did not cause it, and cannot fix it.

You have your other Aspie son. Many here on PE and other conduct disorder forums have children on the spectrum, and you will find it so helpful and supportive to read the other threads and gain the wisdom and guidance from folks who have been where you are, and have gained some peace and sanity back.

I don’t have specific wisdom at the moment for your unique circumstances, except to encourage some strength and comfort to assure you that you will be alright and you will get through this. I have been reading this forum since last fall, and I have learned so much from the others here and grown in detachment, confidence, and releasing fear. It is still not easy and everyday seems to require some effort to renew the mind and claim peace. But things are definitely better with maintaining the detachment.

Others on this site more in tune with your specific unique situation will be along soon to support you. and offer some wisdom. Most folks in USA are asleep now, but will respond to you in the morning. I am thankful you found us here. I know you are already relieved to have shared your situation. It is such a relief to be here with others who really know from experience what is happening. Stay with us. It helps to keep posting and reading others’ threads. Hugs to you.

~Kalahou

 

[ISPEAKWHALE2]

Thank You, Kalahou I was on another forum that just seemed like I was invisible....possibly wrong forum for me. Anyway, Thank you for responding as my Zoo here in Cali is asleep, I could cry myself to sleep.....but going to go to bed, say my prayers, and leave it in Gods Hands. I do believe this site will be good for me and I hope that I can help someone too. Thanks Again....

 

[Nature]

Hi and welcome from me as well. You are amongst friends and you've come to a safe place where no one is judged but supported and listened to. I also have an Aspergers son as well as a Difficult Child (difficult child) who has delved in criminality, addiction along with mental illness challenges. We are all parents who understand the heartache and challenges of raising our children and through our pain we find our inner strength and regain our sense of self. I know you'll find this out for yourself by visiting here often. We're here for you.

 

[ISPEAKWHALE2]

Thank you Nature, I appreciate it. There are days I definitely need a sounding board. My sons graduating in 3 week from HS, so I have tried to concentrate on him. I have him set up with disability services at the JC here and he is receiving an award/scholarship on Thursday. I am so excited for him, even tho he is a bit confused about the whole award thing. Just want to be happy for him this month and concentrate on his success. I think the Mothers day thing has just gotten to me.....last year glowing card my daughter she wrote herself, to nothing this year....Ill snap back. Thank you for your kind words...it helps alot.

 

[BusynMember]

Does any sort mental illness run in the family? Was she maybe sexually abused by somebody not in the family?
If she gets psychotic then she truly is not all here. There isn't anything you can do. Hopefully she is aware of reality enough.to help herself.

The hard question: could drugs be causing psychosis?

Either way, you are but an innocent mom with love on her heart being mistreated by her child. Her therapist only knows the lies she tells...although if she is psychotic she may believe it really happened.

You can best care for yourself and your child by being good to YOU. There is nothing you can do to change anyone else, including your grown child
The only person you can change is yourself and your reaction to your adult child abuse and illness. Have pride. Stand strong. You didn't do anything wrong, even if adult child lies and says you abuse.you may choose not to listen to abuse. Just because this is your adult child doesn't mean you have to listen to any type of abuse from anybody. If you wouldn't let your spouse treat you that way, then its unhealthy for you and your child when you allow it.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[pasajes4]

Welcome to our little corner of paradise. I know that the things she says hurts to the bone. Try to remember that it is the mental illness talking. Try not to look at her facebook page. She knows you look at it. That's one of the reasons she posts the things she does.

 

[InsaneCdn]

She has a 18 year old brother who has ADHD and Aspergers. He is very high functioning but was a real challenge when he was younger

No sign of anything wrong until she was a senior.

As the parent of two, with one extremely challenging kid and another that was assumed to be not challenging...

I suspect there were signs for years that things were wrong. They are very subtle. I missed them too. Almost lost our easier kid.

You see, the challenging kid absorbs SO much time and attention and energy that the other kid does NOT get what they need. They seem to be doing well, so we assume they don't need more attention. Unfortunately, they actually need way more than we think. And in not getting it, they ARE damaged. We managed to catch mine mid-teens, and turned the situation around. But we underestimate just how hard it is to be the sibling of a high-needs child.

Like most families, even with your daughter's extreme call for help, you all fell between the cracks. Nobody takes the whole picture into consideration. And mental health issues are poorly supported at the best of times.

Wish I had better answers for you.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome ISW2,

I am so sorry for the heartache you are going through with your daughter. From what you are telling us you have tried to get her help and that is all you really can do.
You cannot force someone to participate in therapy. I am glad to hear you say that she is getting some counseling at college. I do worry however with a diagnosis of PTSD. I think sometimes therapists are too quick to slap a label on something.

As for Facebook, I strongly suggest you not read anything she posts. You have to develop some really thick skin to look at what our d_c's can post on social media and until you have that thick skin, and even then, be very cautious about what she posts.
For whatever reason many of our d_c's want to "publicly shame us" The reason they do this is unclear but I think it's because they are hurting so much and we have stopped giving into them, that they are going to make us suffer. However, we only suffer if we give them the power.

One of the hardest things to accept is that we as parents have no control over our adult children. It is a vital step in the process of detaching.

Many here have found that when we stop "helping" (enabling) our kids they will ramp it up and try and guilt us or manipulate us into giving them what they want. Please be very careful to not fall into the "guilt trap".

You sound strong and have already taken a big step in telling her she can no longer live in your home. I don't like the term "kicked out" mainly because our Difficult Child will use it against us. It just has such a negative tone to it. I prefer to say "I have liberated you from the confines of MY home and my rules"

Thank you for reaching out to us, I'm glad you are here with us now. You will find wonderful support here.

((HUGS)) to you..........

 

[ISPEAKWHALE2]

I appreciate all the replies. The funny thing was my daughter posted on FB and them my girlfriend called me. Daughter and I discussed it, she hung up on me and has cut me off from phone, email and text. I am very shocked that this is the first time in our life I have gone this long without talking to her. The last three years has been hard on my family. My mother was the matriarch of the family and she passed the end of Dec 2012. My step siblings and I fought so much about her business (my mom and dad started it), that I finally left the will and just took my mothers house. We owned three nursing homes with 200 employees and 200 residents, unfortunately my brother ruined it to the point of bankruptcy. My mom owned it for 30 years. Money was not a problem with her and she very much spoiled us. Well we cant live like that anymore and I believe My Daughter she does not get it...This is hard to say but if I say it wrong forgive me.....She EXPECTS us to live as we did and when I took the car( she agreed not to drive it because of the high cost of insurance) I realized I needed to sell it or I would feel guilty and let her drive it. That conversation seems to be when she snapped....almost like well you have nothing for me so I don't have to be nice to u anymore.....Not sure what they sounds like but that is how i have felt ever since we had that conversation.
I am working on taking care of myself and getting ready for my sons graduation. I have read many stories on here and many are much more heart wrenching that mine. I'm just hoping she gets the help she needs.....

 

[ISPEAKWHALE2]

I dont believe she has been sexually abused by anyone. My husbands brother is mildly mentally handicapped, I'm not sure if that counts. I had severe depression starting in my teens.
I think she maybe doing Marijuana and drinking because the last time I saw her she had gained a lot of weight. Previous dr had her on Geodon. She has since gone off because it was making her so lethargic.

 

[Kalahou]

She EXPECTS us to live as we did and when I took the car ..... I realized I needed to sell it or I would feel guilty and let her drive it. That conversation seems to be when she snapped....almost like well you have nothing for me so I don't have to be nice to u anymore...

I am very shocked that this is the first time in our life I have gone this long without talking to her.

Sometimes it is good to have that time and space and separateness. I think for many of us here, it has been the experience that difficult children routinely only communicate when they want and expect something. After it goes on so long, we dread to get the call or text, because the question arises “What now?” The fear and anxiety rise to the surface, and when I see the caller ID, I have to decide if I want to answer it or not. Often I do not.

But it often unwittingly happened that because we loved our kids and wanted to give them what they wanted, and tried to “fix” what was needful in their lives, and "save them", that we ended up just continuing to enable their self-destructive behaviors, and increasing our own pain, when we saw no positive results.

Often in a “fog” – the old fear, obligation, guilt we feel until we come to understand the freedom that comes (sometimes slowly, but eventually) with lovingly detaching and switching the focus to take care of us. It is a day by day process for me, keeping emotion out of it, having no expectations, but in a way trying to still believe all is as it should be and will be alright.

You show your strength. Glad you are taking care and reading others' post. We all learn from each other, and find gems of wisdom that strike a chord with us, even when we didn't realize that is what we needed to know. Stay with us. You are not alone.

 

[Tanya M]

Sometimes it is good to have that time and space and separateness. I think for many of us here, it has been the experience that difficult children routinely only communicate when they want and expect something. After it goes on so long, we dread to get the call or text, because the question arises “What now?”

Spot on Kalahou!!

It's a tough reality for our Difficult Child when the gravy train runs out. I think it's even more so with the young generation as many of them already have an "entitled attitude" regardless of whether the family has money or not.

Daughter and I discussed it, she hung up on me and has cut me off from phone, email and text. I am very shocked that this is the first time in our life I have gone this long without talking to her.

Many here have had the same thing happen to them but in time they always reach out, usually wanting something. My son has never contacted me to just say "hi mom how are things", it's always about him. He learned a long time ago to not ask me for money but that doesn't stop him from playing the pity party game.

You sound very strong and have a good grip on what's going on and what needs to be done. None of this is easy but you are here with us and we are here to support each other.