More drama

[carefree]

I’ve posted here in the past and received helpful and practical advice, so I was hoping you could help me again. I’m currently stuck in another situation with my 20 year old moved-out daughter who has Borderline (BPD) tendencies. Two weeks ago we were at a pizza restaurant celebrating her 20th birthday with family. She was sitting in the booth next to my six year old daughter helping her play a game on my sister’s phone, when she apparently scrolled up significantly to be able to read a private text exchange between my sister and I discussing her past and recent difficult behavior. The basic gist of the messages were that her behavior is generally improved, but I definitely referred to her as ‘just difficult’, and stated that it was reported to me by my husband and son that she was ‘being a butt’ (my words, not theirs) on a certain recent excursion that I hadn’t attended. That was the worst of the text exchange. She then proceeded, after singing and cake, to pick a fight with my husband, gather her gifts and leave the restaurant without saying goodbye to anyone. My mom followed her out to the parking lot to give her something and my daughter was crying and opened up to my mom that she had read the text exchange and was sad that we still see her the same way we have seen her in the past. I haven’t had any contact with her since, my sister’s texts to her are going unanswered (and she has had normal interactions with my mom). We are at a standoff of sorts because I feel just awful that she was hurt by my words in the text, but she also found them by ‘snooping’, I believe. I’m not sure what to do from here, because in the past she has been demanding of apologies from me, and verbally pummeled me, which I will no longer allow. I have gained some posture and set a firm boundary that I will hang up if she cannot talk to me calmly or respectfully. It feels terrible to be in this position, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the right thing to do to call her first, is it? Thanks for listening through the details.