More oddities

[Nomad]

I see your point. I too liked what Lil said. Often my husband does this, and guess what? He is a very happy fella! Lol.

He thinks of them a little more like “clueless.” I was thinking today maybe some problematic /weak social skills. What seems rude or impolite Could be lack of knowledge or something along those lines.

I think we get hurt when we feel someone might be purposefully unkind to us. But “assuming,” is almost always bad bad bad. Same with personalizing.

Hubby does not take it so far...so Pollyanna to say it’s nothing at all. He definitely sees it and at time feels it. But, he quickly dismisseS it. He sees them , like I said, as having a problem of some sort. An unknown problem. Too numerous a field to pinpoint. And it is unlikely that things were done purposefully, so best not to “go there.”

I tell ya the guy is happy.

I do like to talk it out a bit. But, it seems we tend to come around to this. If I have to interact with these folks, unless I have concrete evidence if purposeful bad behaviors, I guess I can look at it has healthier to think of them as having “some sort of unknown issue and not knowing any better.”

And of course if it gets tooooo difficult to interact with them, pull back or do things differently.

 

[Copabanana]

What seems rude or impolite Could be lack of knowledge or something along those lines.

Is there a difference in ethnicity or social class? In the case of M's family, there are both. And a cultural difference. M is educated and was a high-achiever. His family, for the most, part, no. I think there is lots of envy and the sense that he does not deserve what he has, but they deserve it.

So I think in our case, there is sibling rivalry. But also class and cultural differences, and different expectations. Like I am horrified when they ask for huge quantities of money. Like houses. Or retainers for attorneys into the multiple thousands. It is not like we don't help these people. One of them has lived rent-free and all utilities paid in a property. And we gifted an old truck. It irks me that now he is selling the truck and believes even though it was ours, that he merits the profits.

But what can I do? This is them. And I am me.

But I still believe that Lil (and your husband) have the right idea. They do not take it in. They do not make it about them. There is no judgement.

I'm glad you have some peace with this Nomad.

 

[Nomad]

As a side note: there is a cultural difference . We are from a large metropolitan city. Always. They grew up in a tiny city. Then moved to anither tiny city and stayed there for decades. Now we are all in a mid-large sized city. They are set in their ways and don’t vary much at all from habits etc. Hubby and I are more open to things....travel, learning etc

 

[Lil]

(Maybe I should bring Lil with me.)

I still believe that Lil (and your husband) have the right idea. They do not take it in. They do not make it about them. There is no judgement.

I feel like I may have given you all the impression I'm impervious to hurt feelings. Not true. I've had little things happen just lately that I really took too personally. (My boss told me to choose which parking pass I wanted (I had two) and when I procrastinated, she took the one I used most often and I was going to choose...I just hadn't yet. That hurt my feelings for days until I realized she had reasons. There was a weird thing in choir last week when I asked for a clarification on what the notes were (I don't read music) and no one would play the damn notes! That's still bugging me. One finger, four keys. Just play the damn thing so I know I'm singing right!)

So when something DOES happen directly to me, I definitely obsess over it. But generally, I'm too oblivious to even notice a slight or an insult. I'm too busy doing or thinking about other things.

And there is judgment, I assure you. Generally, I think people are good and I don't caulk up to malice what can be explained by stupidity.

Then again, some people are just A-holes.