Musing Aloud: Can a truce be called? Can you reach out to your child with-in your difficult child?

[Elsieshaye]

Even if it was legal, I don't like who my son is when he's smoking a lot of it. Just as I don't like who he is when he's drunk. Regardless of what I think about legalization, the fact right now is that it -isn't- and that by bringing it into my house he involves me in illegal activity. I have a security clearance, so not only does he potentially create a situation where I could have legal problems, but he creates one where I could lose my ability to earn an income. It's a respect issue, in my opinion.

 

[Signorina]

Exactly. The legality is irrelevant. My son is abusing pot. It's not working well for him. It may be a chicken and egg thing but the pot use coincides with a slide in personality & performance. Plus he's at high risk of becoming ( or having become) an addict.

And let's face it -if it were legal -it wouldn't have the same legal status as Cheetos. I have to imagine two 19 year olds passing a bog around & reselling for profit would still be illegal. Just in my humble opinion.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I have a security clearance, so not only does he potentially create a situation where I could have legal problems, but he creates one where I could lose my ability to earn an income. It's a respect issue, in my opinion.

Wow - yeah, that is a HUGE deal and I know how you feel. I was outraged when I found a meth laden pipe in my home!

 

[Elsieshaye]

Wow - yeah, that is a HUGE deal and I know how you feel. I was outraged when I found a meth laden pipe in my home!

So, what is one supposed to do in that case? I found some weed and mushrooms while cleaning out my son's things after I asked him to leave, and immediately flushed them. Was I opening myself up to problems because I did that? Should I have called the police? I didn't want him arrested, and I didn't want to risk the police holding me responsible for the drugs. It made me so ANGRY that he put me in a position where I had to worry about -any- of that, while at the same time telling me that his behavior was none of my business and I was overreacting.

 

[DammitJanet]

You did the right thing getting rid of it. I personally dont think you need to get into the position of being the county police force. They arent paying you for that. You are not required to make citizens arrests, just like you are not required to call in the police every time you see someone break a traffic law. You could, but it isnt your responsibility.

 

[rejectedmom]

I agree with Janet. My husband also has a security clearance and it is another reason to not allow difficult child live here... not that that will be an issue for a long while from now. =RM

 

[DammitJanet]

Heck, Cory's brother is a deputy sheriff and could technically bust him or call the local police because Jamie does work in another state. Or, his brother could bust him the second he arrived in the state Jamie lives in but he wouldnt think of it. Cory wouldnt put Jamie at risk and Jamie wouldnt mess with his brother. Cory's girlfriend, Mandy, has 2 people in law enforcement in our local county and they just turn a blind eye to what goes on in their own families. Believe me, Cory and Mandy are the least of their worries!

 

[Elsieshaye]

Thanks, Janet and RejectedMom. That's been preying on my mind.

 

[Nomad]

Apologize for not reading all the posts here, but I did want to reply briefly.
I do think there is a way to accept and love our children as human beings, while rejecting the part of them that is behaving as a difficult child.
When appropriate, we can certainly extend a hand, while not enabling.
This is certainly very possible when a child or young adult is actively engaged in self improvement, clearly doing their part to improve their life and being respectful and responsible while doing it.
Those who are engaging in illegal activity, are being disrespectful or who are making no efforts...should not enjoy this privlege.
I think, although sometimes it is very very hard, it's almost always a very good idea to let our difficult children know that they are loved, but at the same time to set up clear boundaries and detach from their inappropriate behaviors/attitudes and actions. This detachment is largely for OUR benefit. Especially at this forum, this is crucial. They are not children anymore and the ball is in their court (s). Tme for us to care for ourselves and
actually demonstrate to them what healthy self care is all about. This is not rejection, this is just simply healthy and appropriate living.

 

[Signorina]

Thanks for the reply Nomad.

difficult child was home for a brief while over the weekend. He arrived at 8pm on Friday, ate dinner, hung out and watched tv with us (his former HS's fb game was being televised), went to sleep and left for work early the next morning. He was respectful and clean cut which was a relief. We kept the conversations superficial and light.

He came home from work at 6, showered, changed, packed up all his stuff and left for his girlfriend's parents to attend a Halloween party with them by 7:00. When we asked him about his bag, he said it was full because he had his textbooks in there. He told us he would spend the night at his girlfriend's house purportedly because it was going to be a late night (they live only 1/4 mile down the street-and I am sure he stayed there because he can party and sleep with his girlfriend whilst under their roof). He said he was working in the morning, but would stop by around 1:00 or so and spend some time with us before heading back to school. He said they planned to hit the road before 4pm so they wouldn't be driving in the dark most of they way.

He didn't call or show up. I alternated btwn worry, hurt and anger. I even cried on H's shoulder for a bit. I had been feeling a tad more positive after seeing him but by 4pm Sunday, I was feeling horribly. I checked his bedroom and it was spotless, and he had emptied out more of his drawers. I finally texted him a quick "are you on your way back to school?" He replied they were just getting ready to leave.

20 minutes later, he rang the doorbell and came in for a quick goodbye with his girlfriend waiting for him in her car in the driveway. I asked him how his night was. He claimed they made it an early night bc he is getting a cold and skipped the late night Halloween festivities and went back to his girlfriend's house to sleep at around 9pm. We said our goodbyes, and I told him I loved him with tears in my eyes and asked him to take good care of himself. At my request, he texted me when he arrived back at school safely. I literally became a vegetable after he left on Sunday. I think I was so emotionally keyed up that all my entire body wilted after the door closed behind him. I was exhausted

Of course, that begs the question "why didn't you come home to sleep at 9:00 pm" - which I DIDN'T ask. (yay me - big step) I really doubt he came home to attend a Halloween party with her parents...and I doubt they skipped the hot, late night concert party that was expensive and sold out weeks ago. I also don't believe his claim that he worked from 10-2 on Sunday...we know his boss-he has a rule to NEVER work on Sundays and it was raining all day. (landscape) (difficult child has worked for him for 3 seasons and they've never worked on a Sunday) And I wonder if his "cold" symptoms are really just substance use side effects. I think second guessing him (to myself) will be my new reality until I get past caring so much.

The realistic part of me realizes that he was also looking for a chance to pick up more of his things. I wish I had paid closer attention to what was there - so I would know what he decided to take. They are his belongings though and he's free to do with as he pleases. The clothes he left were old work clothes and clothes H or I bought more recently for him and a couple of H's hand-me-downs. Which I will try not to read into too much.

I did ask him if he made the follow up appointment with his ophthalmologist (about his serious eye injury a year ago) and it's scheduled for 11/17. I think I will drive up there and go with him for my own piece of mind. Plus H and I were planning to make a trip up before TGiving to tell him the "standards of living in our home." His appointment will be a good excuse for a "visit". As a bonus, we realized that we will need to refine our "standards" based upon our experience on Sunday. We weren't ready to discuss it this weekend anyway (and I wanted a bit of peace) and we want to do it as close to TGiving as possible. So, we can kill two birds with one stone.

I am glad he looked ok, I think I was a little worried he'd be haggard or tattooed or have piercings. It was nice to be able to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye this time. My H wouldn't hug him, just shook his hand and wished him well. Nearly broke my heart. (again inside - to myself)

I think this is a beginning of a new reality. And we won't be unlike many other families who have distant, guarded, strained relationships with visiting relatives who drink or smoke or annoy too much. I just never thought that relative would be my beloved boy.

 

[BusynMember]

Never EVER believe that it always has to be this way. Not yet anyway. Not while he is so young. Plenty of young people get into trouble and straighten out. If he were twenty-five, I would not have posted this. But he is young, like my daughter was when she quit. It may still happen that he'll get tired of what he is doing and quit.

Just wanted to remind you that none of us can predict the future, no matter how things look today. (((Hugs)))

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh honey...that sounds like such a normal kid home for a weekend from college. They simply arent thinking about spending it with mom and dad! You might want him to sit down and spend the weekend with you but in his mind it was "oh great, home for the weekend, time to catch up with my friends. I can go see girlfriend, sleep at her house, see go to the party, have fun." The fact that he spent some time with you on the night he arrived, then came back by to say good bye is great. Dont worry about what he took.

As he gets older and older, he will just spend less and less time with the 'rents. It doesnt mean he loves you any less it just means he is growing up. It also means you did your job.

 

[Signorina]

Thanks Janet. There is nothing normal about this. I only wish there were. He's using and likely dealing - just because he can be pleasant doesn't make it something that's not problematic. But it's a good start to restoring some sort of a relationship.

Since last year (March?) he has been lying to us - prolifically and repeatedly and ridiculously. About EVERYTHING-big things and dumb things. He even signed a lease on his apartment without telling us and we have no doubt he intended to keep it a secret while we paid the $6500 for his unused dorm room. And why an apartment as a sophomore? So he can use drugs & drink away from the campus police. I don't want to think about how he is paying for it all.

He had a golden opportunity -a goal of PhD to MD (his plan not mine) and the motivation and college fund to accomplish it. Now he has a 2.0 GPA and a drug habit.

I think it's the complete loss of motivation coupled with the lies that scares me the most. Which is why I am hoping to find a balance that will keep our home and our family open to him without us becoming his doormat.

When we thought we were compromising and giving second chances-we actually just lowered the bar.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well wow...now I can see why you are so devastated. I didnt quite realize what he was shooting for. I was just basically assuming the normal 4 year college degree not that long range plan. I guess that is such a foreign concept to me...lol. Please beg my forgiveness. You can imagine someone who just hoped her kids would graduate HS and maybe get a community college degree thinking a 4 year degree being a great thing right?

Okay...now I can see why you feel such agony at all his decisions. Im betting his lifelong dreams revolved around the plans of college, didnt they? Now that dream is in tatters. And this is basically not something he can come back and pick up in a few years when he gets his act together especially if he gets arrested. Lord I feel your pain.

My middle son also had a dream from the time he was a little boy. His was to become a Marine like his grandfather. That dream kept him out of a whole bunch of trouble because he knew he couldnt get in trouble and still become a Marine. He also wanted to be a Marine Policeman so that was another big carrot. We all assumed he would go to college after he left the Marines on the GI Bill to further his plans to become his dream of being a wildlife officer. He didnt sign up for the GI Bill. We were all completely devastated. I couldnt believe he could be that stupid. To serve 4 years in the military and not get the educational benefits was just plain idiotic. But that is my son. Instead he is working as a deputy sheriff in the animal control unit and is fairly happy. Not what I wanted for him and not what he planned.

I realize that isnt to the extent of what you are going through but now I can sort of understand why you are much more upset than before.

 

[Signorina]

Thanks again Janet. Definitely it's the "not what he wanted" (for himself) that is the kicker plus his utter and willfull blindness to see that he is shooting himself in the foot.

We didn't set his educational goals or chose his major or even his field for him. We had no input into his class selection. He chose it and made an agreement of his choosing (he set the terms) to get a 3.0+ GPA and stay out of trouble and be substance free in return for 4 years of tuition, room and board and living expenses. We encouraged a state school so that there would be money left over for grad school-but he could have gone to school wherever he wanted.

He got all C's his first semester. We took a deep breath and said - "try a little harder, adjustment period blah blah blah." He was failing a 4 credit Bio Genetics class BADLY (33%) at the midterm of semester 2, but his other grades seemed OK. (B's) We said "hey no problem. Drop the Bio Gen class, pick up a 1 credit class so you remain at FT status and work hard in your other classes." He dropped Bio Gen, picked up a Lacrosse (ie gym) class and finished the semester with an A in Lacrosse but B-, a C- and a D in his academic classes. Coincidentally, he got an underage drinking ticket mid-semester 2. That's also about the time the lying started and the slovely appearance. My guess is that's the time he started usuing more heavily. By his accounts, we were expecting As and Bs in his last report card. SURPRISE! And still we took a deep breath and said - change your major, take a step back and take some core classes next year, work a little harder - YOU CAN DO THIS - let's give it another shot. And then he was an arsehole all summer long and a big fat liar. And we still were going to give him a third chance. Until the major drug paraphenalia purchase. At which point we asked him to stay home, get his act together and go to school locally. And in return, he decided we were his problem, said horrible things, decided we didn't want what was best for his education and moved out claiming he could do it all on his own since WE were the problem holding him back.

Classic amotivational syndrome due to marijuana (plus ?) abuse. It's crystal clear that the drug use and the lack of motivation go hand in hand. And let's face it - he didn't go back to his university town so that he could hit the books harder. He went back so he could party in his new apartment! I don't care if difficult child had chosen to be a hairdresser or a golf pro or a mechanic. Pick a path and go for it. If it doesn't work for you - pick another and go for that. But don't waste your time and your talent (and money) by being a burnout college kid. He had goals and motivation and now he has given them all away so he can have a good time. His whole personality has changed. Not in the subtle ways of a kid growing up and moving on...

I'm not one of those "my son the dr to be" kinda moms. easy child 1 plans to major in creative writing and wants to write the next great American novel without sullying his craft by lowering himself to do some commercial or industrial writing to pay the bills. I'm perfectly OK with that -though I think being a starving writer may seem a lot more noble than it really is - yet it's his life; his dream. No problem!

 

[toughlovin]

This is my take..... he is acting "normal" in that his girlfriend and his plans are more important than his parents at this point in his life.... I think it is very hard when we have a kid we are so worried about that we think about them all the time and they don't even think about us or our feelings... and yet that part is pretty normal for the age. Its part of the separation and that part hurts.... even for parents of healthy teens off to college.

So to me there is some good news in the visit. He came to see you and spent some time hanging out with you. The fact that he would rather see his girlfriend (and probably have sex) makes a lot of sense to me given his age. He probably knows you don't really approve of him doing that and so he is not going to talk to you about it. The fact that he was planning on coming by on Sunday (even though he didn't) shows that he does care about you.

So thats the good news.

Your worry about his drug use is probably true and I can totally understand your worry. Completely. The fact thought that he can carry on like normal and keep a lid on his temper and behave himself when with you is a good sign. A drug addict who is pretty far into it cannot really do that very successfully. That however doesn't speak to the dealing part... if he is dealing drugs then he could be in for a whole heap of trouble and that would worry me too.

Hugs,

TL

 

[DammitJanet]

You know what....I have a feeling. Can I ask if he was a really good student in HS? Big fish in a little pond type deal? Did he happen to end up in a state university that is known for its party atmosphere? Most state university's are party schools. Well maybe I shouldnt label. Like we have UNC but we also have satellite schools like UNC Pembroke which is in my back yard and it is known much more for its partying. And UNC-P is easier to get into than UNC.

Back to my original question...if he was really good in HS and suddenly found himself in a big college and not doing as well as he expected himself to do because HS was easy peasy for him, he probably freaked. Bad influences may have been the only friends who "friended" him. That is what happened to me in Jr High.

If my suspicions are correct, I might be feeling sorry for both of you because there are two sets of dreams "up in smoke" like Cheech and Chong would say.

 

[Signorina]

He was a good student in HS - and a varsity athlete. Not really attending a party school. He was definitely not a big fish in a small pond in HS- he was not a standout athlete or student. He was surrounded by a lot of bigger fish - and was in a really good place for a couple years in HS. Felt challenged to keep up (lots of kids in our local HS are super succeeders) and kind of challenged himself to do well and then DID do well. His junior year he actually changed his senior year schedule from a cake walk to a super scholastic (3 AP classes, 2 honors classes) schedule and then got A's & B's in them, graduating HS with honors.

He ended up clinging to a local boy "Al" who attends the same college. A boy whom he's known since age 11 - they didn't attend the same middle school but played on the local pewee fb team together. We lived a block apart and carpooled to pewee football for 3 years. Despite that and going to the same HS and playing on the same HS football team, they never became more than acquaintances until college -- and now they are room-mates and boyfriend's. Which I find telling. Al dropped off the football team his junior or senior year because he didn't want to be bound by the athletic code. At least that's what difficult child told me at the time - and he thought AL was an idiot for choosing partying over football.

difficult child was assaulted his second week at school and injured. (concussion and serious eye injury) I think hanging out with someone he knew made him feel safe. Al's always been a partier and an over-indulged, entitled youngest kid of well off parents who have long checked out at this point. And my difficult child has decided to emulate him in every possible way. Only difference is that we won't bankroll him. I know it's not Al's fault that my kid is emulating him. And I am not unsympathetic to the after effects (both emotional and physical) of difficult child's assault, but it's also not a scapegoat or excuse for his behavior either.

Now, difficult child's girlfriend of 3 years is now living and attending school there as well. I think they are pretty much living together- which is fine. My kid's common sense - always a strong suit - is completely gone. Al's a prolific tweeter - and posts constant stupid comments about his weed use, hangovers, sexual desires, etc. and I can't believe my son is willingly cohabiting with such a disgusting loser.

As for my son - this may be his new normal - but there is nothing normal about his self centered behavior and this is not separation anxiety on my behalf. And I won't give him points for not losing his temper.

I mean - I am glad he came for a visit - and I am glad it went well. But he doesn't get to use our house as his doormat in the long term.