nobodywins
New Member
Hello, first time posting here - sorry in advance for the lengthy-ness.
I'm not a parent, but a sister living at home with my mother, husband and my 31-year-old (soon to be 32 this year) brother. My mother has had a difficult 2 marriages, my brother was from a first marriage. She gave up everything to have custody of my brother (not knowing laws in this country). The 2nd, was my father - he emotionally and physically abused my brother for the few years of their marriage, making him kneel (an asian thing) in a corner or in the hot sun for over an hour at times for simple mistakes like spilling milk. Eventually my dad left and my brother was left with a lot of anger issues. My mom tried getting him counseling help but the therapist said after the 1st meeting that my brother refused to be helped and that he could not help him. My brother ended up being expelled from HS (for something that actually wasn't really his fault) at 15 or 16 so he finished out HS in independent study. He then went to community college and stayed home....and has never moved out since.
My brother and mother have had issues ever since my dad left - including but not limiting to: him throwing things at her for pulling the plug on the computer and then getting into a physical fight with her, hitting a hole in the wall because she threw away some of his spam mail (he has pack rat issues), never lifting a finger to help/clean, etc. My mom is a person of faith, and when she prays before her meals, he will purposely talk loudly and make loud noises or openly mock her. Growing up (i'm a bit younger), I never had friends over as I was afraid and embarrassed of what he would do - when I was 13, a friend called in and because my brother happened to be sleeping, he cussed and yelled at her. The entire house is filled with his stuff (boxes he doesn't want to throw away, gun-related items, etc.) - when asked to get rid of things, he just laughs and locks himself in his room. He has extreme thoughts about life/people (this person cut me off on the road, so "they should die") and has a lot of anger issues. This has been the pattern for years. Now, at 31, he has never lived outside the home. Even when I moved out for college, came back home for a year or two and then left again when I got married, he has always been at home. He pays very little rent (although he uses up every space in the house - the 2 car garage only fits 1 car now because of his stuff). My mother, a single-mother for almost 20 years, has always been too tired and afraid to do anything. In the past, when I would try and encourage her to kick him out, her response has always been that he is not "normal", that she needs to show him a Christian-like example and love him regardless. She knows she enables him, but couldn't help still cooking for him (he has never cooked in his life) at times and cleaning up after him - or just leaving everything a mess because she is too exhausted. The car he has was given by her, and yet he made her pay him money when she gave away an old, beat-up monitor he hadn't used in years, "out of principle".
My husband & I decided to move in with my mom to help her financially (she had gotten a new job that was not paying very much) and also, our hope was to give her the courage to ask him to move out. My brother was overjoyed that we would be paying rent, so "he didn't have to pay so much". He has a decent job and yet does not care that my mom is financially struggling. Finally, another incident happened where she asked him to do something and was upset by his lack of respect. She told him to have a better attitude towards her and he said, respect is a two way street, you set the example. And to our surprise and thankfulness, she finally asked him to move out when she just couldn't take it anymore. She gave him 2 months to get out. His response was explosive - he told my mom she was evil, that she did not love him, that she was telling him to get the F*** out and if that made her sleep better at night then so be it. He told her that she was "obviously" insane for reacting to something so small, and that she will never see him again. He texted me and told me that he had no family and that we would rejoice and benefit from his "misfortune". He questioned why we didn't "try and stop her (my mother)" - and I gently tried to explain all his years of abuse and disrespect towards my mother made her feel unsafe and exhausted in her own home. He seemed to calm down a little when my mom had a talk with him, telling him that living together just wasn't good for either of them and that she loves him to the end of the earth.
Since then, it has been over 2 months and I believe my brother was hoping my mother would forget about telling him to move out - evidenced by the fact that he has not been packing anything at all. My mom has tried to talk to him about it - he refuses to rent, saying it is not "financially viable" and only wants to buy a home (in a good-neighborhood). We keep telling him that it's not normal to buy a home right away, and that everyone rents. He kept saying that the home he could buy would not be able to fit all his "stuff" and that a public storage unit was "unsafe". He would even joke about being a "man-child". This week, we had a contractor come and fix something at home (something my brother usually does not care about at all and does not pitch in for) and afterwards, my brother asked how much he could pitch in (probably fearful about trying to keep the peace so he doesn't have to move). My mom texted him telling him he didn't have to pay since he is moving out soon. Explosion #2 - my brother came home that night, slamming doors and grunting heavily. My mother sleeps extremely early for work and was upset at all the ruckus he was making - he told her that she was kicking him out on the streets and that his heart was hurting. He told her it was impossible for him to buy a home that could fit all his things - and she told him it wasn't her problem and that it was his choice not to rent. He then screamed, saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE? YOU WANT ME TO DIE! JUST TELL ME YOU WANT ME TO DIE" and broke down on the ground. She went to bed and he came in our room, and basically cried in a fetal position, whispering how unfair it was, "why him" and had a panic attack of sorts. He was like a small child, asking us if we could get him a "drink of water". He is under the delusion that he has done nothing to deserve this, saying that he has "contributed" all these years and that when I left for college, I was allowed to keep my stuff in my room, free of rent. He kept saying that she was being so "unreasonable". When we tried to tell him we would help him with the moving process, he told us not to mention anything about moving out because it "sets [him] off". We tried telling him that it was do-able for him to rent, that we've rented for years. He responded by saying that it was "our choice" and we "volunteered" to do so, and at "[our] own pace". He kept repeating that it was "impossible" for him to move his stuff (even though my mom is willing to give him another 2 months).
At this point - none of us know what to do. My mom wants him out but she does not want it to get to a point where she has to force him out or evict him (i'm pretty certain she will never do so, especially being asian). He definitely has some mental health issues, and I am afraid of what will happen if he gets pushed even further. He has a lot of firearms - I don't think he will ever hurt us, but you just never know what a person will do at their breaking point. At a loss and feeling like there is no "good" outcome in this situation.
I'm not a parent, but a sister living at home with my mother, husband and my 31-year-old (soon to be 32 this year) brother. My mother has had a difficult 2 marriages, my brother was from a first marriage. She gave up everything to have custody of my brother (not knowing laws in this country). The 2nd, was my father - he emotionally and physically abused my brother for the few years of their marriage, making him kneel (an asian thing) in a corner or in the hot sun for over an hour at times for simple mistakes like spilling milk. Eventually my dad left and my brother was left with a lot of anger issues. My mom tried getting him counseling help but the therapist said after the 1st meeting that my brother refused to be helped and that he could not help him. My brother ended up being expelled from HS (for something that actually wasn't really his fault) at 15 or 16 so he finished out HS in independent study. He then went to community college and stayed home....and has never moved out since.
My brother and mother have had issues ever since my dad left - including but not limiting to: him throwing things at her for pulling the plug on the computer and then getting into a physical fight with her, hitting a hole in the wall because she threw away some of his spam mail (he has pack rat issues), never lifting a finger to help/clean, etc. My mom is a person of faith, and when she prays before her meals, he will purposely talk loudly and make loud noises or openly mock her. Growing up (i'm a bit younger), I never had friends over as I was afraid and embarrassed of what he would do - when I was 13, a friend called in and because my brother happened to be sleeping, he cussed and yelled at her. The entire house is filled with his stuff (boxes he doesn't want to throw away, gun-related items, etc.) - when asked to get rid of things, he just laughs and locks himself in his room. He has extreme thoughts about life/people (this person cut me off on the road, so "they should die") and has a lot of anger issues. This has been the pattern for years. Now, at 31, he has never lived outside the home. Even when I moved out for college, came back home for a year or two and then left again when I got married, he has always been at home. He pays very little rent (although he uses up every space in the house - the 2 car garage only fits 1 car now because of his stuff). My mother, a single-mother for almost 20 years, has always been too tired and afraid to do anything. In the past, when I would try and encourage her to kick him out, her response has always been that he is not "normal", that she needs to show him a Christian-like example and love him regardless. She knows she enables him, but couldn't help still cooking for him (he has never cooked in his life) at times and cleaning up after him - or just leaving everything a mess because she is too exhausted. The car he has was given by her, and yet he made her pay him money when she gave away an old, beat-up monitor he hadn't used in years, "out of principle".
My husband & I decided to move in with my mom to help her financially (she had gotten a new job that was not paying very much) and also, our hope was to give her the courage to ask him to move out. My brother was overjoyed that we would be paying rent, so "he didn't have to pay so much". He has a decent job and yet does not care that my mom is financially struggling. Finally, another incident happened where she asked him to do something and was upset by his lack of respect. She told him to have a better attitude towards her and he said, respect is a two way street, you set the example. And to our surprise and thankfulness, she finally asked him to move out when she just couldn't take it anymore. She gave him 2 months to get out. His response was explosive - he told my mom she was evil, that she did not love him, that she was telling him to get the F*** out and if that made her sleep better at night then so be it. He told her that she was "obviously" insane for reacting to something so small, and that she will never see him again. He texted me and told me that he had no family and that we would rejoice and benefit from his "misfortune". He questioned why we didn't "try and stop her (my mother)" - and I gently tried to explain all his years of abuse and disrespect towards my mother made her feel unsafe and exhausted in her own home. He seemed to calm down a little when my mom had a talk with him, telling him that living together just wasn't good for either of them and that she loves him to the end of the earth.
Since then, it has been over 2 months and I believe my brother was hoping my mother would forget about telling him to move out - evidenced by the fact that he has not been packing anything at all. My mom has tried to talk to him about it - he refuses to rent, saying it is not "financially viable" and only wants to buy a home (in a good-neighborhood). We keep telling him that it's not normal to buy a home right away, and that everyone rents. He kept saying that the home he could buy would not be able to fit all his "stuff" and that a public storage unit was "unsafe". He would even joke about being a "man-child". This week, we had a contractor come and fix something at home (something my brother usually does not care about at all and does not pitch in for) and afterwards, my brother asked how much he could pitch in (probably fearful about trying to keep the peace so he doesn't have to move). My mom texted him telling him he didn't have to pay since he is moving out soon. Explosion #2 - my brother came home that night, slamming doors and grunting heavily. My mother sleeps extremely early for work and was upset at all the ruckus he was making - he told her that she was kicking him out on the streets and that his heart was hurting. He told her it was impossible for him to buy a home that could fit all his things - and she told him it wasn't her problem and that it was his choice not to rent. He then screamed, saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE? YOU WANT ME TO DIE! JUST TELL ME YOU WANT ME TO DIE" and broke down on the ground. She went to bed and he came in our room, and basically cried in a fetal position, whispering how unfair it was, "why him" and had a panic attack of sorts. He was like a small child, asking us if we could get him a "drink of water". He is under the delusion that he has done nothing to deserve this, saying that he has "contributed" all these years and that when I left for college, I was allowed to keep my stuff in my room, free of rent. He kept saying that she was being so "unreasonable". When we tried to tell him we would help him with the moving process, he told us not to mention anything about moving out because it "sets [him] off". We tried telling him that it was do-able for him to rent, that we've rented for years. He responded by saying that it was "our choice" and we "volunteered" to do so, and at "[our] own pace". He kept repeating that it was "impossible" for him to move his stuff (even though my mom is willing to give him another 2 months).
At this point - none of us know what to do. My mom wants him out but she does not want it to get to a point where she has to force him out or evict him (i'm pretty certain she will never do so, especially being asian). He definitely has some mental health issues, and I am afraid of what will happen if he gets pushed even further. He has a lot of firearms - I don't think he will ever hurt us, but you just never know what a person will do at their breaking point. At a loss and feeling like there is no "good" outcome in this situation.
