my adult son is homeless and I am heartbroken

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
We give and give and give to our adult children ~ and they cold-bloodedly take everything we have and imply that it was not enough.

Oh, boy, Barbara you hit the nail on the head. No matter what we do our difficult child's think it is never enough and want more with no thought about how it is impacting our lives.

seo, please don't ever worry about us judging you. I guarantee that whatever you have said or done, some of us have done the exact same thing. I wish I had had somewhere to send my difficult child when she was causing chaos in our home by her words and actions. I would have sent her away in a heartbeat.

It always amazes me how similar our stories are in the PE and SA forums.

Welcome and keep posting. I couldn't have survived without this board.

~Kathy
 

seo

New Member
I want to thank all of you for being on this forum supporting other people, I see many years of myself here as well.....

I am not sure if today was a slip back for me, but I did call my son to see how he was...only to find out that the bike I gave him was left in front of a gas station not too far at all from my house because the handle bars came loose (that could have been fixed with a screwdriver)....yes he just left it, didn't bring it back to me (a bicycle I let him borrow) and had his grandmother (his dads mom) buy him a new one...and all I get are excuses.( he left it two days ago and today I find out, so the bike is long gone,,,if even that was the truth about it). I feel disrespected and frustrated... And I know I should not have expected more, from the things he damaged on my property when he lived with me over a years ago....I guess I can count on nothing changing.......

So frustrating this boy.....for the past two plus years I have tried to be positive to and to praise him, but before I even get a chance he does something else that is wrong or destructive, bad choices.

I know I said I didn't want to speak to him, I do want to know how he is, but when I only get frustrated by what I hear...(?)

what do I do...? I want him to know I care and love him still even in his situation,,, but .........
 
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recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
What you do is you get as much help as you can to change the way you respond to him and to make very, very strong boundaries around his actions, his behaviors and his choices. You may not be able to work it out to know how he is without him using that opening to once again use and abuse you. You need a supportive environment where you can take all your worries, concerns, questions and fears and have them understood, acknowledged and answered.

He successfully manipulated his grandparents into purchasing him a new bike while having absolutely no regard for you or your possessions. My guess is he sold the old one. How dare he treat your property that way and be so indifferent to it. Start to get angry, his actions are despicable, dishonest, manipulative and secretive. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt, truthfully, does he deserve that?

He knows you love him which is why he continually uses you. This has nothing now to do with how much you love him, this has to do with real consequences, real jail time, real big problems he is creating in his life which you cannot save him from. He is NOT the cute little boy anymore, he is a man who knows how to get around you and has broken the law and is about to face those charges. You might call the guy who posted bail and ask him to rescind it. I would stop calling him at all. Believe me if he needs you he will go to any lengths to get you to do what he needs. I think you need help to do this. This is hard. You need tools and boundaries.
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
today is another day and after a full nights sleep (finally) I find myself wondering if my decision to not have contact with my son was a good one...I find myself thinking what if he is really being truthful?

Isn't this only your second day without contact with him? I think you need to give it more time and self-reflection before you try to figure out what is going on in his head.

Oh, man oh man, don't worry about us judging you for how you raised your children. We all beat ourselves up plenty without piling it on each other.

I think it would be good for you to try reading your posts with an objective eye. If this were written by a friend of yours, what would you advise them to do? Also, it caught my eye that you said that you didn't talk to your son all day and you finally got to sleep through the night. That is cause (didn't talk to him) and effect (finally slept through the night). You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Sleeping through the night is how your life should be. I guarantee you he isn't losing any sleep worrying about you.

But, one day without contact does not detachment make. Obviously, after all that he's done, and then add the bike thing on top of it? Not to mention the triangulation he did with your parents to get a new one? It's easy to see that he doesn't want your help. He wants everything you own. Is he mentally ill? Maybe. But, many people are mentally ill and manage to keep it under control and not get into trouble with the law. You've been holding on tight for 19 years, and it is time to really let go, for his sake and for yours.

Don't call him, let him call you. When he does, have a pleasant conversation with him until he asks you for something. At that point it is time to end the call. "Sorry, I'm sure you'll find a way to work that out. I have to run. I love you!" It can be right after hello the first few times. Eventually he'll learn to play the game of life.
 
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Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
You may not be able to work it out to know how he is without him using that opening to once again use and abuse you.

That is exactly where I am with my difficult child right now. If I talk to her or exchange texts with her, it is an immediate opening for her to ask for things, complain about her life, and try to manipulate me into letting her come home.

For now, I have found it easier to just take a relationship break from her. Of course, that is easier for me to do because I know that she is in sober living for the time being and they would let me know if something terrible happened to her.

It is going to take you a long time to get to this point. Detaching from your son's behavior is a long process and I agree with RE that you will need help to set those boundaries. I have been down this road for a long time and I am just now seeing a therapist to help me detach and set boundaries. We also have a family counselor that we have worked with since difficult child went into a residential treatment program and she is also very helpful in helping us hold difficult child accountable and helping us see difficult child's manipulative behaviors.

Many are helped with 12-step family groups like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous. I have tried them and don't feel comfortable in the 12-step setting. husband and I went to a NAMI support group for a while and found it helpful. You just need to do what helps you in a setting where you feel comfortable. Remember that you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

At this point, all you can do is learn how to let go so he doesn't drag you down with him and hope for the best. He is only 19 years old. He may grow out of it and still lead a good life.

~Kathy
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Seo, detaching IS the best parenting move right now. So, do not feel like a bad parent for detaching, it is being the best parent you can be and it IS WHAT HE NEEDS YOU TO DO! Seriously. If you do not detach you are shirking your parental duties, ya know what I mean?

You must do it. Stop. Stop helping him. Tell Gma to stop helping him. For this child, it is the only way to parent him now.
 

seo

New Member
Thank you and I have an appointment with a counselor in a few weeks :)
I wish it were sooner, but I am going to go to either a NAMI or families anonymous this week.
 

Tiredof33

Active Member
There are many books 'out there' about codependency and enabling that helped me. Many years ago when my counselor talked to me about detaching I thought I was, it's not that easy.

I also thought I had my enabling under control. My difficult child was clean and sober for over a year and met the girlie from he*** and now is worse than ever in my opinion.

I felt like I had been slung back to square one. BUT, I do have much more knowledge than I did years ago and I found that I had reverted back to my old 'helping' habits. When you start 'helping' they stop doing for themselves and become so dependent, it's so easy for them.

As I am sure you have read on many posts, these children can not be parented like most children. If you are like most of us you will feel like you are mean and turning your back on someone you love with all of your body and sole. It feels unnatural.

That's the way you will feel and first, as you get more comfortable with the process you will start to feel at peace knowing you are on the right path to helping your child take responsibility for their actions and their lives.

My difficult child knew that I would not let him go hungry so his conn was I need money for food - until I found out he was really partying with the money I was sending. Once he realized that I really meant NO he stopped all communication with me.

There are a lot of programs out there to help them when they are ready. Nothing we say or do will make them want help, it's all up to them. It's a very sad thing.

Wishing you peace today, just take it one day at a time.
(((hugs)))
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
You could go to both and see which one you like more. Or you could go to both each week. The more support you get the easier it will be. I found NAMI to be more focused on mental health issues and Al-anon more focused on the addiction piece. Sometimes I felt that they were at odds with each other . . . NAMI seemed more into helping and understanding while AL-Anon was more focused on detaching and letting the addicts learn to fend for themselves. I heard other people express the same dilemma when their loved one had both a mental illness and had substance abuse issues.

I finally opted to go with the detachment approach on the advice of my counselor and family counselor. Even though my difficult child was sober, she was continuing the addiction behaviors of manipulation and deceit.

You have to find what works best for you and your situation and you may have to use a combination of both.

~Kathy
 

blackgnat

Active Member
Seo I totally feel your pain and I am right where you are in terms of learning to detach.

Today my son called me from Colorado. It's The Day, when he is supposed to leave his dad's house. He had been drinking and said he was scared and should never have moved out there (from Illinois). He said at least he knew people here. (I am back in Illinois)

He said "You know I'm homeless now, right?" and "I wanted to wait before coming out here. It was too soon". Of course, my bowels FROZE and I ran my daily errands on the verge of tears and full of guilt.

I took him out there to stay with his dad for a while so I'm not (yet!) in the position of having him turn up at the front door, as you are. But I can so relate to what you are feeling and am sorry for your pain. Today I don't think I can bear it. I just imagine it'll get worse.

He said "what's the point of coming out here if I'm only going to do the same things as I did in Illinois? As if he had no choice? But in truth, he doesn't have a lot of options. However, in Colorado, he got into the social services system so has a food card and some cash. Maybe you could look into those kind of services for him?

My son is 24-believe me I put up with way too much for way too long and helping him kept him stuck and probably made him regress. Easier said than done, but try your best to stick to your guns and don't help him-they all just seem to go back to what they know and that isn't going to work for you any more...

Strength and courage to you.
 

scent of cedar

New Member
I feel disrespected and frustrated...

what do I do...? I want him to know I care and love him still even in his situation,,, but .........

To the excellent advice already given seo, I would add this: That you acknowledge feeling disrespected and frustrated is an incredible step forward for you. These feelings, and the honesty behind them, are signs of health. I like it that you are allowing the feelings, and that you are allowing them to be what they are without trying to justify difficult child's behaviors and turn the feelings in onto yourself ~ which is what we usually do when our difficult child kids are in trouble.

We blame ourselves and then, justify correcting the situation we convince ourselves we are guilty of having caused, somehow.

It is always good to read postings, here. We sometimes see ourselves more clearly in another parent's writing than we can when we are trying to explain our situations in our own postings.

That is what happened for me, in reading this post.

Suddenly, I can see aspects of my daughter's destructive, callous, or uncaring behavior so clearly I'm feeling a little nauseous.

So, that must mean I am breaking through another little denial barrier. I can feel the two opposing belief systems, battling it out like two kittens in a pillowcase. Can't really see what it is each one represents...but I know that, if I want to see clearly, if I want to be healthy, this is the way to get there.

So disorienting. It's like I can't believe what I know. I do, however, know that facing this stuff is how we make it through this part. So, I am just going to sit with these new understandings for a little while. I know I will feel better, soon.

***

I quoted your last paragraph seo, because it is an indication of health, too. Whenever we can look at the questions squarely, whenever we can see our own situations without flinching or dropping our eyes, we are winning a little piece of ourselves back from the foggy non-reality of denial. I think it will help for you to acknowledge that your boy was raised to know better.

Are you journaling, seo? That helps me.

As Recovering says, praying for our difficult child children, envisioning holding them in God's light can help us.

Barbara
 

seo

New Member
When I talk about my son now, I feel like I am talking about a person I have no connections with, because I do not speak with tones of pitty for my son, but more matter-of-fact....I don't know if I am explaining it well,,,,it is a strange feeling anyway

I have had wondering thoughts lately (I do not dwell on them, because I know better)..but,
.has anyone else thought these things:
"Is my son really that bad (things are very quite with him now), maybe he is just misunderstood"

I think I would just like to believe that...

And he is now living with his dads parents...
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
What makes all of this so incredibly difficult is that we all do exactly what you are describing, doubt ourselves, want to believe everything other then what we can see with our own eyes and know in our own hearts, we want to hold on to the hope that our kids are okay, that we have misread all the signs, been punishing when they are "misunderstood, mentally challenged, just going through a stage, not as bad as we or anyone else thinks...........you name it, we've justified, rationalized, lied to ourselves, bent the truth, hidden the reality................we've done it all, just like you, it's unfortunately part of the detachment process............denial, in all it's many forms. That's why having a professional, a group, someone outside of the framework within which you live, who can see the truth, who is not swayed by love or parental guilt or fantasy or expectations.............can help guide us to the truth and the appropriate, healthy ways in which we can not only take care of ourselves, but insist our adult kids bear their own responsibility for their actions and face the natural consequences of their behavior.

Talk about all of these feelings in your counseling appointments, in the 12 step groups and the NAMI group, that is where you will hear the truth and find tools to cope with the constant self doubt. It's hard Seo, it's very hard, we always want to believe the best, but in bending the reality to fit our misguided attempts to save our kids, we actually do them more harm then good by allowing their bad behavior to continue. Stay strong, stay the course, seek out support and keep posting................hugs........
 

scent of cedar

New Member
Good morning, seo

:O)

When things are quiet with our difficult child children, it is natural for us to question ourselves about what we thought we saw and how we handled things. We love our children, and we want them to be okay. For most of us, those quiet times are where we turn to condemning ourselves for what has happened. We come to believe it was our fault that the difficult child child did whatever it was. That if we'd been better parents, if we'd been stronger people, if we'd handled this or that episode with more wisdom, this would never have happened to our child.
This is especially true if the child has found somewhere else to live, and the problems stop.

We begin to see our children as victims, and ourselves as poor parents. We begin to magnify every little wrongness in our interactions with our children. We seek out new ways of understanding them and begin holding ourselves to a higher standard, sometimes to impossible standards. We convince ourselves that if something like this ever happens again, we will know just how to handle it, because we've learned everything we could about how to be better parents.

This is a time for you to be very good to yourself, seo.

Take advantage of the quiet to recover your strength, and to do things you enjoy. If you are questioning anything that happened, journaling about it might help you put things into perspective. It will help to talk to other parents about what has happened, and about the outcomes for their own children.

It could be that, with less freedom to act out, difficult child will do better living with his grandparents.

And while I hope that for you and for your difficult child, I don't think that is what will happen.

You mentioned finding yourself talking about your son without the usual emotional trappings that come with talking about children we are worried about or grieving for. When that happens to me, that is an indication of denial. It happens when we are so hurt, so overwhelmed, that we go numb. It seems like a fine place to be, given the emotional Hell we have been living in. The problem, at least for me, is that I find I have numbed all feeling.

Maybe, I will begin eating too much sugar. I mean, enormous amounts of things I don't really taste. It's interesting that, when I am eating too much to cover the numbness, the things that satisfy me are things that are very bad for me. I can decide to eat healthy foods in enormous quantities instead? But I will still eat the bad things in quantities just as enormous. As though I were punishing myself.

And that is exactly what I AM doing, of course.

I sort of go around in a fog. Find myself functioning, but realize I wasn't even consciously thinking about the task at hand, at all. For each of us, the way we cope with denial will be different. Some of us will drive more recklessly. Some will drink more. Some, too much exercise.

That is why I say you need to relax and take care of yourself now, seo. You need to recover yourself. You have been through a very hard time. If difficult child does well with his grandparents? Great! But if he doesn't, you are going to need to be as strong and healthy as you can, to get through what might be coming, next.

Please keep posting, seo.

Barbara
 

seo

New Member
I had no idea that what I was doing was denial....makes some sense to me..

I believe with all that said, that I should start preparing myself for the next situation. whether it is a week or a year away.

Funny thing about the food...I have been craving salty and spicy food for weeks now...

This thursday I am going to a families anonymous meeting. Looking forward to it and a lil nervous too.
 
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