my adult son is terrorizing our family

[Copabanana]

he is back again with threats on me and my family if I don't help him with the rent.

I am so sorry.

I want to say one thing: If he is threatening your safety, that he will hurt you or your home, or hurt others, or himself. I believe you must call the police and/or mental health crisis line.

Also, if he is making threats against you, you could file a restraining order with the district attorney at superior court in your county.

The only thing that helps, in my experience, is boundaries. When we don't have adequate, strong, definite boundaries we turn into mush and our lives become a living hell. It's horrible for our troubled child, because if we don't have boundaries they don't either. The beginning of their self-control is when we take control of our lives and space. In that way we regain ourselves and our lives.

You can do this. Keep posting!!

 

[Beta]

It's horrible for our troubled child, because if we don't have boundaries they don't either.

Good quote to remember.

 

[JMom]

Vicluth,
Hi and welcome! Have you tried calling the police in HIS state? In Texas we have a crime called terroristic threat. We have traveled out of state to make arrests. Sometimes the fear of being arrested is enough to chill people out. At times I would just turn off my phone until I needed to make a call. Perhaps you could let your loved ones know that you will be doing it. You could check messages once a day unless you are expecting calls. Another option might be to buy a prepaid phone for important calls such as doctors, your mom, work, etc...and turn the other one off for a week.

I know it is hard not to look at the messages, but you could try it for 2-3 days at first and see how you feel. Let your loved ones know that you do not to hear from him through them. They will get tired of dealing with him and can set their own boundaries

I think the fact that you are here is a very good start, Most of us came here at our lowest point and found strength and guidance. This forum gave me the backbone I needed to take care of me, as I never could have done it alone. My son still struggles with addiction, but does so in his own home with his own money, I have learned to allow him to take care of himself, even if it meant taking a break from his drama.

You are doing great, take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel all the pain and then move away from it. You can detach with love, even though he is being a turd.

Love,
JMOM

 

[Blindsided]

help me, with a way you have gotten your child to stop. I am begging, it's been awful, and we are in no situation to even help him

V, Here is the most difficult truth to deal with -- not me, not you, not one other person can get your child to stop. Only he has that control.

My spousal situation and ages are very similar to yours, but I go to therapy when needed and read everything I can to get a better understanding of such horrific behaviors. I stopped giving my retirement money to my Difficult Child over 2 years ago. Pretty much cold turkey. She has learned that there is not a story in the world that will get me to change. She abused me horribly, bad alcoholic. She is now 41 and pregnant, living with baby daddy and HIS FAMILY! But, she is sober for now and so far she has been on good behavior.

What was helpful to me was to learn the difference between helping and enabling. Helping is support for a forward lifestyle and improved behaviors. Enabling is giving money or shelter so our Difficult Child can continue what they are doing.

I also learned from others here and reading that dealing with reality and truths yield much better results than operating from an out of control, manipulated, and emotional reaction (where our Difficult Child knows they can manipulate). Someone here told me, respond to your Difficult Child as you would a friend's daughter. That helped me put things into perspective.

Lastly, but most importantly, realizing I am only in control of me meant I needed a serious self-intervention. I am learning to put myself and my needs first. I found Radical Acceptance helpful for ME. Other books I have read are in my sig line.

I sure hope this helps.

In healing

 

[vicluth]

Hi, feeling so low, and abused. Just doesn't seem to stop, the story just doesn't change. Today, in his lowest desperation, he cloned my mother's phone number, and left me a long...... sad, suicidal message... I can't get it out of my head. This isn't the first time, he has threaten to kill himself, as it always gets lots of attention. I have blocked his calls, and have tried to not listen to messages, and he keeps it up with terrible threats to my heart and family. HE is the GREATEST CON on the planet. Need prayers and thoughts tonight. Many thanks.

 

[Copabanana]

You are in my prayers. From experience I know how hard this is.

 

[vicluth]

You are in my prayers. From experience I know how hard this is.

Thanks... needing lots.

 

[vicluth]

Good morning,

I was sick most of the day trying to wrap my mind around my son's ability to get into my head... as some of you know, I have been allowed myself to be taken advantage of. Sadly, I am strong, and don't drink the koolaide for a while, and he changes his approach. He wrote me this morning, and after going through all the scenarios about, if indeed he did kill himself, what would I do..... He is alive, and still having the same ole pity party. Thought I should share, as I am preparing to go back to school tomorrow with students, if that isn't enough of a panic, I don't know what else is. Take good care all my friends... I am feeling stronger today, knowing I am just being played a fool, once again.

 

[RN0441]

Prayers for you. This is hard stuff.