My daughter is in jail!!!

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Bran, what a difficult thing to do. BRAVO.
You and you husband are strong, wise people. You made the right decision.
You daughter will HAVE to learn from this. She clearly hasn't learned from "talking."
Sigh.
I like your ideas about new rules at home--curfews, medication compliance, etc.
Best of luck. Major {{hugs}}

 

[Nancy]

It concerns me, and I know it does you to, that the way she is talking does not sound like she is taking responsibility for this. She should be scared silly and very subdued. She is not saying the right things that makes you think she will do everything she can to make sure she never goes back. My difficult child was terrified. She said the guards scared the bejeebers out of her and the food was awful and she was scared to fall asleep at night and the bed was horrible and she was bored to death and she cried when she was alone and she didn't ever ever want to go back. In fact when my husband went to visit her she cried and told him she was sorry.

I'm not sure what it will take for your difficult child to get it. I know you are hoping that she has a breakthrough and I hope that for you too. But I agree with witz, I would have her bags packed and household rules written out. If she doesn't want to abide by them she needs to find another place to live.

Nancy

 

[DazedandConfused]

Bran I am in awe of your strength.

Inspite of all of the awful things difficult child has done to you and the way she has acted, she's still your child. I can't even imagine the agony.

Good for you.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

hugs

beth

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Bran,

I also believe you did the right thing. It is heartbreaking when our difficult children steal from us. difficult child 1 began stealing from us when he was 10 yrs. old. Years ago I stopped leaving money, credit cards, etc... out in the open. I definitely would press charges if difficult child 1 did what your daughter did.

Even more heartbreaking is the fact that our difficult children have no remorse for what they do. It is always about them, how their poor choices affect them, nobody else. Although we haven't lost our jobs (we own our own business), work is so slow that we're struggling to make our monthly bills. We don't have a single penny for extras and are wondering what to do about Christmas. difficult child 1 knows this. He still had the nerve to ask for plane fare and other travel related expenses for a trip he wants to take. I know this doesn't even begin to compare with your difficult child using your debit card, but just like your difficult child, difficult child 1 has absolutely no concern for anyone but himself. I just can't understand his twisted way of thinking......

Back to your difficult child - in my humble opinion, natural consequences are the best teachers. I hope and pray the short amount of time spent in jail has a positive affect on her behavior.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers... Hoping things go well Friday. WFEN

 

[Steely]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Bran.

When is it legal in your state for her to become a legal adult, and you have no responsibility for her? 18?
I think I would be praying at this point that she does pack up her bags and move in with someone, and then if 18 is the magic number, hopefully she will not want to come back home until legally you can say she can't.

Ugh. Too much. I am so sorry. Keep us posted.

 

[TerryJ2]

Is she out yet?
Has she gotten the msg that she actually had something to do with-it?

 

[recovering doormat]

Bran, I just have to send you hugs and pat you on the back for being strong enough to do something that just so goes against what nurturing parents want to do. I am so proud of you and your husband for taking a stand now, while she's only 17, because if you let this slide you'll never have a moment's peace of mind, wondering what she's up to. The fact that she is unrepentant tells me that she needs a real, hard wake-up call.

I am dancing on the edge of a scenario like this with two kids, not one, and it's so hard to fight the urge to comfort your child when they are in distress, but it just prolongs the situation and makes it harder later on to make them understnad you're serious. If they did this to a stranger they'd be up on charges, so why is it okay to do it to you?

I feel your distress but I also admire your ability to stand back and look at your situation, as painful as it is, and to do the thing that is hardest but will hopefully help turn your child's behavior.

Best of luck to you in the coming days. I hope you can get some physical rest while she's away.

 

[Ropefree]

Hats off to you for doing everything you can. Our children are our dearest and when
they are wobbling off the course it is so so hard on parents. It is even harder, I think, youth today to understand money and the value of work. And it is ever amazing how the thinking process some people have is lacks the traits of character that others never do stumble over.
It is a hard choice you made and for your child and for society at large you are doing what is best for your teenager.
I started off with the message " you can learn it the easy way or you can learn it the hard way."
Good job Parents Bless your hearts.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Steely,
I'm in NY like Bran and the legal age here is 21. Bran can kick her difficult child out at 18 but if difficult child seeks services from DSS then DSS will take the parents to court to get child support. It probably would be worth it in this case. DSS would require difficult child to follow their rules in order to get the help and Bran and her husband would only be responsible for paying child support. The other option is to have so many rules in place that difficult child will voluntarily leave rather than live under those conditions. She is free to leave on her own accord.

A lawyer explained to me why we are still responsible for our kids in this state til they are 21. He said, "why should the people of NY have to support your kid"--meaning why should our social service departments be providing services for 18-21 yr olds whose parents don't want to support them. Fine, but then give us some rights over them! We have none--all the responsiblity but none of the rights--crazy!

Off my soapbox now-
Jane

 

[bran155]

Thank you guys for all of the pats on the back and support, I really need it right now. It sounds crazy but just knowing all of you agree with my decision to press charges on my daughter makes me feel a lot better about doing so. I was really questioning whether I did the right thing. I thought I did, but I did have a flicker of doubt for a bit so thanks for making me feel justified.

Steely, jane is absolutely correct. I am legally responsible for her until the age of 21, yet I have no power to enforce my parental rights. That makes no sense to me whatsoever!!! If we as parents have to be held liable for our children until the age of 21 then we as parents should have the right to "parent" them!!!!! The system is so backwards!!!!!

I spoke to her a couple of times today. She just isn't getting it. She is still blaming me and saying things like "when I get home I will be gettin money". I swear she has rocks in her brain. She says she doesn't want to live with me and I told her that I don't want to live with her either. She is free to pack her things and leave the minute she turns 18. She is angry because I won't bring her snacks or any kind of package. Oh well!!!! I put her there, does she really think I am willing to make it easier for her??? NOT!!!

We have court in the morning. Because my husband is the one that pressed the charges there is an automatic order of protection put in place. She is not allowed near him. So, how on earth are they going to implement that when they both live in the same house? With any luck they will place her into a group home or something like a transitional living facility. When I questioned her lawyer about that in court she said we would worry about that on Friday, so we will see what happens tomorrow.

I will let you all know what happens in court. Thanks again my friends.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and saying prayers for you.

 

[trinityroyal]

Sending hugs and support Bran. Hope everything goes well in court.

If there is an order of protection in place, whereby difficult child cannot be near your husband, then perhaps you can persuade the court to go for a group home or some other alternative to having difficult child back in your house.

I think you're all just getting used to the peace of not having her there, and from the sounds of things she hasn't gotten the message at all. Having her return home with the old mindset will likely lead to even worse behaviour on her part.

You DEFINITELY did the right thing. Sending hugs.
Trinity

 

[luvmyottb]

Sending support to you on court day. Hope everything goes well. Keep us posted.

 

[bran155]

Thank you all so much. I put an update on a thread entitled "Bran?"

 

[threebabygirls]

My heart aches for you and your family. Of course you're sick over this! It goes against every maternal instinct you have. But as others have stated, she gave you no choice. Hopefully she comes out of her denial soon and accepts the responsibility for her actions.

 

[TerryJ2]

Sounds like some new legislation is in order. Get cracking on those letters to your reps!
(Hmm. I should check in to VA laws, too... )