My daughter is killing me.......slowly

[zandzsmom]

My daughter is 18yrs old. She just turned 18 2 weeks ago. She has always had low self esteem and social issues. I always encouraged her supported her and sought help for her. In high school the social setting was too much for her and I decided to let her be home schooled. She fell behind so we started a GED program. she stopped going. Everything was fine until about 6months ago. She started smoking weed and being disrespectful. I put her in counseling and therapy. She would laugh and take it as a joke. She has on multiple occasions threatened suicide and I always try to let her know I love her get her help and I beleive she is crying wolf to get her way. I was going through her phone and saw that she was meeting men on tender and performing sexual acts on them to get weed. I was heartbroken. Ive tried to have numerous convos with her about self-worth and self respect. But the attention she gets from this men is all that seems to matter to her. Not the right attention, they only want to use you. The day after her birthday she was smoking weed in my house and I snactched the pipe and told her to get out. She raised her hand to me so I slapped her and physically pushed her out of her room and locked the door. I allowed her to stay on the couch. She snatched my purse and tried to get the key to her room and we had another scuffle. She got mad and kicked a whole in my door so I called the police. They made her leave, I called my sister and made arrangements for her to go over there. She was there about a week and when she came home, she walked in the door and said "Im gonna need you to apologize for slapping me", I said thats not gonna happen and she proceeded to call me a and curse at me. I told her to get out and she sat on the couch SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for 10 minutes "SHE SLAPPED MEEEEEE" with the front door open for all the nieghbors to hear. I thought she was having a mental breakdown. I called the police, they came assessed her and said she was having a tantrum. Told her to leave. She went back to my sisters and my sister told her that she cant come over and be high at her house. She did. She texted for a week, wrote an apology letter and I was supposed to let her back in friday. I came home from work yesterday (wed) and she was laying on the couch High as a kite. I asked her why, is she doing this, tried once again to speak with her. Some one rang the doorbell, when I went to the door for 10 seconds, my son came to see who was at the door and saw her stealing money from my purse. I retrieved the money and put her out. She went to my sisters who told her to leave. She ended up sleeping on my porch. I need advice. This is stressing me out. She is naive and immature. But I can not tolerate disrespect. All I do is sit around worrying about her. What to do, am I wrong? She is not ready for the streets, but I cant help her, If she is not willing to help herself.......help

 

[BusynMember]

Nobody is ready for the streets. There are shelters though, food pantries,all kinds of help. When my immature 19 year old would not stop doing drugs I made her leave. And she wasn't even disrespectful, I just didn't want her dying of an overdose in my house. I didn't want to contribute to her downfall by making it nice and cozy for her to kill herself. I wanted to make it as hard as humanely.possible for her to do meth and cocaine. The hardest day ever was putting her out. And she had found a safe place to stay, as long as she followed the rules. One lit cigarette under his roof and she would be out and homeless. Her very straight arrow brother tolerated nothing in his house and gave no second chances and she knew it.

So she went and didn't want to be homeless and knew no help would come from us. We had to make that clear. She had to obey the rules of where she was...very strict ones. She did. She quit. She quit meth and cocaine.

She is doing great twelve or so sober years later. She has a career, a house, my darling granddaughter.

If your daughter is stealing from you, she may well be doing more than just smoking.pot.

I would get YOURSELF into therapy. You need to learn to cope and deal with her. You also need to learn that you matter and need to put yourself first if somebody is abusing you. Your daughter is committing domestic abuse. Yes, an adult child can do this. Yes, she IS! You need help and direction in this difficult situation. Your sister should not have to deal with her abuse either.

Please be good to yourself. Get therapy. Love and life.

Hugs!


...

 

[zandzsmom]

Thank you, I needed to hear that!!

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree, my councelor repeatedly told me they are more resourceful than we think they are. It is never something we want to do but they leave us no choices. I would change your locks so you don't come home and find her. There is an article on detachment on the parent emitrius page you should read.

 

[Albatross]

Oh Z, I'm so sorry. You've been through the wringer. Sleeping on the porch after all that bridge-burning? That's too much! No, that won't do!

That reminds me so much of my son at that age. He was going to "show us" at any cost to himself or others. Combine that rebellious teen spirit with social awkwardness that magically disappears with some drugs on board, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I remember when he was 15 or 16, he came back after a 10-day absence and blithely told US how things were going to be from now on, if we expected him to stay.

Sigh...

Well, obviously you can't have her living with you with property damage, threats of physical violence and theft. You can't give her a comfy place to get high and arrange Tinder encounters; doing so makes you complicit in her bad choices.

I don't want to read too much into your post, but it sure sounds like she might be into worse drugs than MJ. Is there a trusted and neutral person she respects, who might be able to have a frank discussion with her about that?

In the meantime, I agree 100% with your decision to tell her to leave. You aren't kicking her out; you are giving her the liberty to live the consequences of her decisions. As SWOT and Tired Mama said, our "children" are much more resourceful than we give them credit for.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Z and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a hard reality when our kids grow into adulthood and make bad choices. We can see it, but they seem bound and determined to continue on a downhill slide. Infamous words “I am 18, I am an adult.” Ugh.
You have tried to help your daughter as best can with therapy, but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem. That’s difficult to deal with. My twos issues were mainly drugs and partying, sleeping all day while we went off to work. My eldest had to leave at 18 because she was disrespectful and did what she pleased. She didn’t want to follow house rules.

I would get YOURSELF into therapy. You need to learn to cope and deal with her. You also need to learn that you matter and need to put yourself first if somebody is abusing you.

I agree. It is a hard road to travel when our beloveds go off the rails. They are our main focus in our years raising them, it is hard to let go when they are doing well, harder still, when they are not. A drug using adult child is manipulative and smart. They know how to tug at our heartstrings and will use our love for them to keep in the comfort of our homes.
Getting help to sort out feelings is a good step towards focusing on what you can control, your emotions and reactions to whatever may come with this journey. You didn’t cause this, can’t control it or fix it. Your daughter will do as she pleases. That is not an easy fact to face.

Well, obviously you can't have her living with you with property damage, threats of physical violence and theft. You can't give her a comfy place to get high and arrange Tinder encounters; doing so makes you complicit in her bad choices.

This is the plain, simple, but hard truth of it. When we house our addicted, using adult children, we end up making it easier for them to continue on that path. Why should they change when they don’t have to feel the consequences of their choices? My two went from stealing from our wallets, change from our drawers, to what little heirloom jewelry I had, to breaking into a safe with hubs 25 year collection of jewelry he had found treasure hunting. That is all minor compared to the time spent stressing and worrying, running the gamut of emotions over their choices. Most of all, they stole precious time from us.

In the meantime, I agree 100% with your decision to tell her to leave. You aren't kicking her out; you are giving her the liberty to live the consequences of her decisions.

I don’t like the term “kicking out”. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary, a place to come to where we feel at ease. There are rules to follow, be respectful, trustworthy. Contribute. Help out, clean up after yourself. Pay some bills.
These wayward adult kids of ours stay in our homes, doing what they want, when they want. They take advantage of family, and push limits. Cross lines. They don’t appreciate three squares, a roof over their heads. If they weren’t our kids, there is no way we would put up with the nonsense. We are not rugs to be tread upon, used and abused. They want their cake and eat it too. They try to keep us in a fog- fear, obligation and guilt.
We are afraid to have them leave, feel obligated to “help” them and reel the tapes searching through parenting mistakes to figure out what the heck went wrong.
That’s why it is important for you to build yourself up to deal with all of this. There is help out there, al anon, naranon, many books to read on addiction, websites to browse. The best way to help your daughter right now, is to help yourself.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We have traveled this journey and are at different places on the path and understand the pain and heartache. You are not alone, Z.
There are ways to get through this and find your peace.
It doesn’t seem possible when our beloveds are choosing as they do. What we wish most for them is to make better choices, be healthy, practice self care. We are their first role models and mentors. Be the change you wish to see in your daughter. Don’t allow her to mistreat you and the sanctity of your home. Stand up for yourself, your son and your home.
If you have a belief in a higher power, place your worries there. If not, meditate and work on reducing the stress of this. Your daughter is making unhealthy, destructive choices. Counter balance that by making good choices for yourself. Show her, through example that there is a better life. Switch focus from what she is choosing, which you have no control over, to what you can control, how you choose to live.
Most of all, try not to write the end of the story. Hopefully your daughter will see the difficulty she is causing herself, and want better.
I really believe our kids seeing that, starts with us, refusing to go down the rabbit hole with them.
We love them, but love says no, sets boundaries and limits.Self care and love says “I will not allow my heart to be taken advantage of and trampled on, by anyone.”
Love does not stand for us losing all sense of self, peace and joy. No sacrifice of ourselves, will change the course our wayward adult kids choose.
Stand strong, Z, for yourself, your son, and ultimately, your daughter.
I am sorry for the pain of this. Please know you are not alone. I am glad you found us. We are here for each other.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Beautifully said Leafy.....precious, hard truths.....it's a perilous journey we're on.....and there's much comfort in knowing we're not alone......

 

[Nomad]

If she hasn’t been evaluated yet by a psychiatrist, you might want to do that.
Perhaps bipolar disorder is a possibility.
You also might consider therapy for yourself.
A group for parents called Fanilies Anonymous is very helpful as well.
Don’t allow her to be abusive to you.
You did the right thing by calling the police.
If she is still in your home, boundaries and rules need to be set up and maintained such as no drugs , no stealing, no violence, attendance at therapy, and at least a part time job. (Just ideas)
She needs to be on birth control if not already.
If she can’t abide by your rules, a shelter or some other alternative should be just fine.