My house is just a pit stop

[flutterby]

easy child has spent one night at home in the last 9 days. He only comes home to shower and wash his clothes. If I ask him to do anything to help, i.e., things I'm unable to do right now, he gets really annoyed.

I see him about 10 min a day and he barely speaks to me. If he does, he's usually short with me and he can't wait to get out of the house.

Tonight he came home after work and took a shower. Didn't even say hi to me. Then he said he was going to his friend's. I asked him if he was staying there and he said yes. I asked him if this house is just a pit stop and he said, "pretty much". Then he asked if that's a problem. I told him either he lives here or he doesn't.

Am I wrong for feeling that way? He's not contributing to the family except to run up utility bills and he can barely speak to me.

 

[Hound dog]

I'd be sorely tempted to pack all his stuff up, set it on the porch, call him where ever he is, tell him he has all of about an hour to pick it up before you toss it into the trash. Then inform him where he lives is his problem. But in your home you demand respect. Period.

If he picks it up, get the locks changed.

Harsh, probably. But I have mega issues with teens and disrespect/attitude issues. It may be a normal stage but that doesn't mean you get to get away with it.

Heather, Nichole has yet to spend the night out of the house except to watch her nephews for easy child. If you've got somewhere else to live, what the hades are you doing running up my bills? I get not attitude from either grown child because they both know that I'd be telling them to not let the door hit them in the arse on the way out the other side.

easy child may think 18 is his magical number, but he forgets that it's yours as well. Sure, he can act any ol' way he pleases.....but the flip side of that coin is that you don't have to put up with it.

Trust me, you don't want to know what my Mom did when my brothers pulled this carp. lol I'm nice in comparison. But suffice to say....they didn't get to stay at home and live off her.

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry easy child is being a very gfgish PITA.

 

[witzend]

I'd have kicked his behind out by now. I know that's really hard for you as a mom because we worry about them. But he won't be doing anything different than he is now, he just won't have a pit stop. His friends will get tired of him. My thought is that it's time to cut the free ride.

 

[flutterby]

You know, it's something when your 'problem child' (difficult child) becomes your easy child overnight.

Of course, my mom is saying...no, no, no he needs to be home. Well........he's not here anyway. What's the difference.

 

[Hound dog]

You Mom is saying he needs to be at home because he's not pulling this carp on her. Don'tcha just love it when Mom's do that? (because they've forgotten the teen years and how gloriously wonderful they can be)

It's always easier on the outside looking in. Always.

But like you said..........he's not there most of the time anyway, what's the difference?

 

[witzend]

To me, the difference is what he thinks he's getting away with. If you are not there for all of his comfort needs, then he has to be nice to someone for fear they'll kick him out. And, he'll end up needing you and come back on your terms, not his.

That's just me, though.

 

[Suz]

Heather, I don't know much about your easy child so I'm hesitant about offering an opinion until I do. I think I remember that he's graduating soon- is that right? If yes, what are his plans after graduation? You mention that he "came home from work" so maybe I'm wrong and he's already graduated?

Did he start staying away recently or has this been going on for a long period of time? Could this be a major case of "senioritis?"

Anyway, can you fill in some blanks, please?

Suz

 

[witzend]

Hopefully, Heather won't mind my stepping in to answer, and I know she'll correct me if I got it wrong. Her easy child is in his Senior year, but stopped going to some of his classes and/or participating several months back and won't have the credits to graduate. Heather had been warning him, but he was pulling the "you're just overreacting, let me go back to sleep" act. He looked it up for himself last week and stopped going to school altogether, I think.

 

[flutterby]

easy child knew he had to pass everything this year, plus have one work credit to graduate. At the moment, he's passing 2 classes. He hasn't gone to school and when he has, he doesn't do the work. Senior finals are Tues and Wed.

He actually walked into school one day last week, told the attendance lady that he was dropping off a bookbag, but that he wasn't staying because he has "things to do".

Whenever I tried to talk to him, help him, etc, he told (yelled) me to get out of his [carp] and let him handle it. Then he said I was being a B and not being supportive. The only way I could have been more supportive is if I had done the work for him.

I can't say anything to him without him jumping down my throat. Not even a, "how was your day"? And he's been lying to me. A lot. My brain isn't working and I know there is other stuff, but this is the gist of it.

It's just like walking on eggshells when he's around. The tension in the house when he walks in is palpable. Yet, when he's in a good mood, everything should just be forgotten. I'm not living like that.

 

[trinityroyal]

Heather, I'm sorry that easy child is being such a PITA. I agree with your gut feeling and everyone's comments that easy child should not be able to treat your home as a pit stop, treat you like carp, run up your utilities and not contribute to the family at all.

If all he brings home with him is misery and bad attitude then it's time for him to find another home.

If he discovers that it's hard out there and wants to move back in, then it must be on your terms, with your rules, subject to your approval.

Trinity

 

[susiestar]

Have you had him drug tested? It REALLY sounds like he is using drugs. The sudden change, the surliness, the "home is a pit stop" stuff, etc...

In the archives somewhere there is a list of things to go through to see if your child is using drugs. Maybe someone else will have the link, but you can probably just search the Teens archive.

You are totally right in feeling this is wrong. Regardless of his mood you need to tell him that he is 18 and can do what he wants and YOU are over 18 and can do what YOU want-including NOT providing a home or "pit stop" for him!!

But if he stays around, be SURE you at least go through the list of signs he may be using BEFORE you have him drive any car registered to you or insured by you.

Sending gentle hugs.

 

[flutterby]

He's not on drugs. That I know. This is him in all his untempered glory.

He dug himself into a hole, alienated anyone that tried to help, and is now reaping the consequences...which he obviously doesn't deal with well.

However, he has told me repeatedly and emphatically that he wants to make his own decisions. I'm tired of being told I'm a B, or to get out of his [carp] if I try to help. So, he's on his own. He has to learn the hard way.

I'm also tired of having my head chewed off for any little thing, so I'm not speaking unless spoken to. I was on the couch when he came in tonight. He didn't say a word. He spent about 10 minutes in his room, came out and said he was leaving. I told him I need my garage door opener. He got it, then asked if I was mad. I said, nope, and he left. I'm not mad. I'm just not having it anymore.

 

[Hound dog]

Good for you Heather. Welcome to detachment 101. We've got rather a big club.

((hugs))

 

[Suz]

Okay, thanks for the details.

I would try to talk to him about an "action plan" for his 18th birthday as you are pretty much stuck for now.

When he's 18, if he's working and not going to school he can pay rent to you or he can find someplace else to live and pay rent there. Maybe you can get a rental agreement off the Internet to help you outline your expectations and to give him an idea of what to expect elsewhere if that's the avenue he takes.

I would try to approach this in as positive an attitude as you can muster. Practice the sayings on the link I think I put on ML's thread. It's in the PE archives. You don't want to engage in an argument, you want to help him plan for his future.

If that's not possible, put a countdown to his 18th birthday on your calendar, stock up on black garbage bags and print out a list of homeless shelters. Happy Birthday, Honey.

Suz

 

[flutterby]

He turns 18 in a little over a month.

We'll see how it goes. He's talked about wanting to move out anyway, so it may not be something I have to force. If he keeps up his current attitude, he can't stay here whether he pays rent or not. The stress from all this has thrown me into one heckuva flare.

We did talk a little last night. It seemed encouraging, but today might be different.