My niece...

[Calamity Jane]

PG,

When I read your post this morning, I thought of the program I was watching last night, and I think you may want to see it also. It's an interview with Fr. Jonathan Morris, and he's a priest and scholar (who looks like he's about 14 yrs. old), and he's written some wonderful books. Toward the end of the interview, he's talking about a book he's just written about the Serenity Prayer. The last part of the interview was most moving for me, and I think most pertinent regarding what you and M. and your niece are dealing with.
Fr. Morris talks about the theological virtue of Hope, and how Hope heals the memory and allows us to go forward even though we've had failures in the past, because a lot of times it's the memories of the past that keep us from going forward.
Faith heals the reason and allows us to see beyond what reason can tell us.
The theological virtue of Love heals the will and allows us to be attracted to the good, and to the beautiful and to the true. The love of God allows that will of ours to be healed and thereby not attracted to selfishness, etc. Most of all, though, we get to a point where we say that our memory (of bad things we've done, bad things we've done to others, etc.) is not going to stop us now, if we are in the will of God, old memories of what I was or of what I did in the past are irrelevant...this is what God wants for me NOW, and old poison is not going to stop me from being a courageous disciple.
Here's the link, you can check it out if you like. I hope it's helpful.
Now I see why we shouldn't dredge up the past to our children who are moving forward, and we must encourage them to put the past behind them.
http://www.ewtn.com/tv/live/sundaynightlive.asp

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, I'm sorry for the pain in your family.

I come from an abusive past and have had to look at the issue of forgiveness too. For me, it was all about my own ability to let it go, to not harbor any more ill feelings, resentments, anger, sorrow, all of it. I didn't want it to have any more impact on me.
It took time. It took an intention. I had to walk through to the other side. But, it was for me, for me to move on.

I just saw this and I thought of you.
I believe this sums it up.
Sending prayers for your family.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

To me, forgiveness isn't about letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is about letting go of the desire for revenge. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

Honor thy father and thy mother - to me, isn't about putting them on a pedestal. It's about keeping issues as private as possible. If the courts need to be involved, and problems become public, that is fine. If you have to speak up to keep another person from being abused, that's fine too. But you don't go around bad-mouthing your parents to everyone else. "We have our differences" is a line I have to use a lot.

That very much sums it up in a way I can understand - thank you!!

I blocked my mother on Facebook so that nothing can possibly be public anymore besides the fact that she has his last name and I couldn't bare to look at it plastered every time she "liked" something of mine. I think especially with my parents, I can let it go...doesn't mean she mean she has to be in my life but I can go on letting her live hers without interference from me.

I think I have a ways to go with her husband, though. That desire for revenge is still very, very much there...

 

[InsaneCdn]

I think I have a ways to go with her husband, though. That desire for revenge is still very, very much there...

I find it helps to put these things in this context: Seek justice, not revenge.

 

[BusynMember]

IC, I don't know how you do it, but somehow you almost always say what I wanted to say, but don't quite get right. I call it "moving on" or "letting go" too. I don't wallow in hate and anger. I just move on. Good explanation.

 

[Childofmine]

That is a great question, what actually is forgiveness?

For me, for most of my life I was angry, contemptuous and very critical of my father. And then, every time he acted up, I was able to righteously say, well see, there he goes again, acting like a fool.

I never got over being hurt by his behavior. I could actually feel the separate emotions of anger, hurt and being afraid of his anger.

After we had our separation, so to speak, for a long time I just felt nothing. I was blank.

Then as I worked on myself in Alanon and therapy and reading and journaling etc. My heart started to thaw. My anger went somewhere. I was the only thing that was different and still am.

My parents live 11 hours from me. I see them three or four times a year. My dad doesn't really talk on the phone or even answer the phone much. I have to specifically ask for him. And I do sometimes.

I have come to understand my father in a whole new way. I don't like his immature behavior at all and now when I am there and he acts out, I just get up and leave the room and stay away for a time.

I don't feel a need to change him or ostracize him or do anything but take care of myself when he starts.

I do feel compassion for him and I see him as a person who is doing the best he can today. I do love my father and it is a love tinged with sadness. I wish things could have been more or different.

I guess I can sum it up by saying my heart feels softer when it comes to him. I am not carrying around a wheelbarrow load of negative stuff anymore when it comes to him. I think I have finally accepted the imperfection of it all.

I am very thankful for this because I know the alternative held me back in many ways for a lot of years.

 

[BusynMember]

Point blank question to Christians and others.

I can understand the idea of letting go as in throwing out the garbage and not allowing it in your life anymore.

How would you forgive a mother who refused to speak to you for twenty years and tried to sabatage your relationships with everybody in the family and would not make peace with you even though you have repeatedly tried, in fact gone overboard trying. In the end, she died and it didn't end there. She disinherited me and I was not mentioned as her child in her obituary per her wishes. She would not see me or even tell me what I did that offended her so much.She was deliberately malicious and never was that way to the other two kids, but that is how my family of origin works. She also did successfully turn the family against me, although, of course, they have free will and did not have to side with her, but I don't think anyone else wanted her malice so they sided with her. It was easiaer and more lucrative than being disinherited.

How would you forgive that? Why should you, if you can go on with your life with the attitude that I can't control how she was and it was toxic so live and let live. Mone on. I do not have an unhappy life. In fact, I feel very blessed at this point in time. I have so much love from so many people I care about. She is insignificant now. Since she asked for nothing and wanted nothing from me, except for me to hurt, why would YOU, if this were you, forgive her? Is it because of how Christians believe Jesus forgives you no matter what you've done?

I'd especially like to hear from non-Christians who still have a higher power in their lives. Nobody has ever answered this question in a way that I could understand it. It is one thing if the parent is flawed, even VERY flawed, but felt badly and tried later on. But this was never the case. I find it irrational to forgive my mother, whom I believe I will meet again one day, then maybe we will both have a better understanding of everything. But for now, how would YOU forgive such a parent? What would you say to yourself? Remember, I am not stewing over her, but I don't feel she was a good person.

 

[Kathy813]

Wow, I had no idea so many of you suffered so much growing up. I was one of the lucky ones with wonderful parents. I hope you all feel peace now and can let go of the pain.

~Kathy

 

[stressedmama]

MWM, I am a christian, however not practicing as in I don't attend Church, but I do believe in God and I do pray some. For me forgiveness has, in some instances, escaped me. I have never forgiven my ex for ruining our family. His addiction caused us to lose our home and his viciousness turned my oldest son against me for a long time. I was the bad person because I broke up our family, blah, blah, blah. Didn't matter that his dad was shooting up in front of our youngest, passing out in front of all of us, blood everywhere, physically attacking me and then telling the cops I hit him, etc. He ended up in jail for stealing drugs from the ambulance he worked on and then followed it up with a DUI and threats of suicide. He even tried to attack me in the police station!

Now I am struggling with forgiveness for my step daughter. I am still so angry with her - not so much about the drugs but how it has changed the dynamic in our household with caring full time for our GS-knowing she probably will never be back for him. And for the way she physically attacked me, spouted out so much hatred for me when all I ever did was support (emotionally and financially)and love her.

I don't have any answers. I know I've been told over and over how I should forgive, or let go, for my own sake. I haven't been able to and don't know how to.

Hearing what others have posted about doing it for yourself, as opposed to the person you harbor these feelings for, makes sense in my head. But not in my core. Not in my heart.

I have 2 very loving, supportive parents. I can't imagine how you feel as far as having your mother do what she did to you, especially with no explanation. But I do understand your struggle with forgiveness. Maybe someday we will figure it out...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you all - this thread has really helped. I think I am getting that we do have to do it for ourselves. I want to be....better. I wish to be happier, lighter - I want to spread joy and happiness to others. I don't think one can truly do that if they harbor this resentment in them. Consciously letting it go and moving forward - I'm getting there, I think...

A friend of mine in recovery (is an addiction specialist) posted this the other day and it was so fitting: