My relationship with my daughter is slipping away

[Lost mom]

Ever since my adult daughter (27) got married she doesn’t talk to me anymore. Only tells me things on a need to know basis.

We used to be so close. I’m a single mom. I raised her all alone. Our relationship was not perfect but we would talk all the time.

Now, it’s like pulling teeth to get any information. She ignores my phone calls and texts.

We spend almost no time together despite living in a mother/daughter house.

I’m so upset and distraught over this. I don’t know what to do.

She has been married for a year.

 

[ksm]

She still lives with you since she got married? So her husband moved in with you? Is that what you meant by a "mother/daughter" house?

It's too bad that they don't have their own place at this starting point in their marriage. Are you guys splitting any of the expenses?

I wish I had some advice, I can see how living with someone who won't interact with you can be very difficult.

I hope others have some suggestions for you. Ksm

 

[Lost mom]

They have their own apartment and I have mine. We live separately but in the same house.

Yes we split the mortgage and some bills.

My granddaughter is 5 years old. She is from a previous relationship.

She is the light of my life. She is the reason I’m still living here.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am confused as well but welcome and prayers are with you.

 

[JRC]

Considering that she recently got married, it may be that she feels she needs to set some healthy boundaries from you right now. I don't know your situation, but ask yourself if you are giving them the space they need to settle into married life. You may be perfectly appropriate with her in this regard, but it can't hurt to ask yourself anyway.

 

[Lost mom]

I never go upstairs unless I’m invited.

When I asked her why she we aren’t as close her response was I married him not you.

She just doesn’t tell me things or talk to me. We can go days with no contact.

I know what’s going on in her life from social media.

It’s just really hurtful.

 

[JRC]

Again, I don't know you or your daughter. But maybe she never had the opportunity to developmentally separate from you until now? My middle son is 14 and is going through the normal adolescent separation. He doesn't talk to me much. Maybe even days without contact. I find out about his life on social media. It's hurtful. It's also developmentally healthy. Just something to think about.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome.

I understand and feel the pain of this. I would be very hurt if it was me, and feel angry too. What daughter said to you is hurtful. Not talking to you is immature. That said, feelings will not help you. Actions and thinking will.

We have to help ourselves.

You have defined your reason for staying as your granddaughter. That is important. You are making a choice. Honor it. If it gets too painful you can change your mind.

Who owns the house? Are you paying a fair share? I ask because sometimes if we look, there is a pattern in relationships, that we have accepted, that constitutes mistreatment. It is important to acknowledge this, if it exists. Or maybe there is resentment on your daughter's part.

And there is the reality that she is in a new marriage. And wanting to make it work. It is entirely reasonable to me that her priority is that. Her intention may not be to hurt you, but to devote herself to her new family for now. You have the opportunity to see that, and to give her space. That would be generous. And it could be strategic too.

I would try very hard to not dwell on daughter. Accept her terms. Seek to involve yourself with other people and activities. I am not saying this is fair or just. But she is an adult as you are. She can make the rules for herself.

The only adult we have control over is us.

 

[Triedntrue]

I tend to agree when my sons moved after college even during college i didnt hear from them much at all. Living in the same house is a little different though. Also her comment about i married him not you would confirm this.

 

[Lost mom]

Thanks to all! Your comments are very helpful.

I know I have to make a life for myself. I’m trying to do that and move on.

Because I was a single mom she was the most important thing in my life. I have always supported her decisions in life like having my granddaughter and dropping out of college temporarily to raise her daughter.

I’m going to miss having that close relationship with her.

I own the house and we pay the bills equally.

I also paid for the wedding.

There is no reason that I can think of for resentment.

I gladly babysit whenever I am needed. It gives me joy to spend time with my granddaughter.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi LM and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your heartache and need to be here.

Because I was a single mom she was the most important thing in my life.

I understand your feelings and how hard it is to transition from that role. You were probably like a team together, a dynamic duo. Now, she is married and focusing on that relationship. I’m not condoning her ignoring you and the comment. That is immature and unnecessary. Maybe she doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it.

I’m going to miss having that close relationship with her.

Try not to write the end of the story. Things may change in the future. For now, your daughter is signaling that she needs space. It is good that she is helping with bills and being responsible in that way.
Relationships with our adult children do change. Marriage, kids, jobs, are all things pulling at their time. Find something you enjoy and go do it. In my neck of the woods there are summer classes at park centers. I find walking and creating art help me to broaden my horizons and switch focus from what is going on with my wayward daughters.

I gladly babysit whenever I am needed. It gives me joy to spend time with my granddaughter.

Your daughter and granddaughter are very blessed to have you. You have given a lot of your time and love.
How about treating yourself to a get away, even if it is just for the weekend? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. As your daughter is making her way, give her space and switch your focus over to what you want to do.
There must be something you have always wanted to do for yourself?
Hugs to you LostMom, you are going to be okay.
Leafy

 

[Lost mom]

Thanks for your reply! I know I have to focus on myself. I just recently started on a weight loss journey.

I have a lot of friends to do things with.

I will give my daughter space and maybe things will change in the future.

 

[Lost mom]

I used to do weight watchers years ago. I’m doing that again. I haven’t joined weight watchers yet but I am eating what would be on the plan.

I plan on joining soon. For now I’m just watching what I am eating.

Try joining weight watchers. It’s a very successful program.

Good Luck!!

 

[RN0441]

Hi

I agree with the other posters. I don't think it's healthy for us to make our adult children the center of our universe. I do think it is hard to set boundaries but it is also very necessary.

Our two older boys I would say are almost TOO independent - if there is such a thing. They both have full lives and live with their girlfriends and have good careers. They are very busy but they are doing well. I think that means that we did a good job. It stings at times because I'd like to be more involved in their lives but I guess we can't have it all. I do not think it is reasonable to expect to talk to them daily. Even when they both lived with us after college to save some money we did not see them every day or talk to them every day. Texting weekly and seeing them every six weeks or so is about all that we now expect.

I'm saying just let it be. Don't take it personally. I think if you try to keep yourself busy and do fun things with your friends that you like to do SHE will be curious and maybe want to talk to see what you've been up to!

Agree, don't write the end of the story.

Good luck.