My son has been stealing and lieing for several years now

[Stressed momma]

I have twin 21 year old boys. They have always been a handful but within the last 5 years one of them have been stealing and lieing alot. I always have spoiled my children ( my husband and I have 6 total.) 3 were from his previous marriage and 3 were from mine. The one that I am talking about chose to go live with his biological dad about 5 -6 years ago. I have cut off almost everything financially because he fails to keep a job.

 

[BusynMember]

You may want to post on the Parent Emeritus forum because it's for adult kids over 18 and this is for minor children. You'll get a bigger response there.

Your son is not living at your home. That's probably good for your nerves.

A 21 year old who is not in college shouldn't need financial assistance. If he won't work then it is best in my opinion not to give him anything. I assume he is able bodied.

Financially spoiling a 21 year old. In my opinion, is a mistake. They may become lazy and entitled and refuse to grow up, believing you will fund their lives forever.

Are drugs in the picture? Often drugs, especially pot, cause an extreme lack of motivation. Other drugs are dangerous and our adult kids do lie and steal for money to use them. Working is difficult for them due to drug testing and the lack of interest in anything except the drugs.

Can you share more of his story?

 

[Praecepta]

A couple of ways to deal with a thief...

1. Simply do allow the person back in your home - Period!

2. If it is someone like a son and you do want him to come visit... Then do not allow him to bring any backpacks, bags, bulky coats, etc. into your house. Just like stores will not allow these things because people can conceal things they are stealing. Don't allow him to be there by himself, if you need to go to the store, make him go with you or wait outside until you return. (He made his bed, he can lay in it!)

Also do not allow him to bring any of his "friends" into your house. If they want to visit, they can do this elsewhere or outside.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I too suggest you go over to the Parent Emeritus board. Most of the posters here have younger children and some of us "old timers" still visit!

Does your son still live with his father at 21? So he's not in school nor does he hold a job? No judgement here but often, not always, a parent can have a huge impact on the maturity level of a "child" who is smothered or spoiled or not required to step up, grow up or take responsibility for their own lives.

Did you son have any issues (learning disabilities, social issues) while in lower school? Did you ever have reason to suspect that he was not a typical kid and had something else going on?

So if he still lives with your ex, is your ex paying his way and your son asks you for more money? I agree with your decision to cut almost everyone off.

Go on over on the PE board and "talk" to the wise woman who have been there and done that!

Sharon