My son is no longer a Pot Farmer, now he thinks he's a prophet...........

[Tanya M]

I've had more communication with my son over the past several months than I've had in a few years. It's a double edged sword for sure. When I'm not in contact at all with him I always wonder where he is and how he's doing. Sometimes I think the wondering is better than the knowing.

A while back he was posting on his FB page that he had found his dream job, growing pot. I wasn't thrilled but at least he was doing something.
He's no longer in this line of work. I posted a week or so ago about my son going on a rant, as the days followed he continued to rant. I would reply to his posts telling him that he is loved and to not give up.
In one of his posts he commented that his life has been s**t since he was born. That prompted me to send him a private message.
Here is how it went:

Me:
Son, I'm sorry you feel you life has been s**t since you were born. You are intelligent and talented and your life is what YOU make it. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time but please know that you are loved. You have so much potential and talent. Please don't give up on life.

Difficult Child:
I do my best and I have s**t so I am s**t don't you get it yet? I'm going to die before you... not f*^#@ing fair!!# G*d Damn

ME:
You are not s**t, you are my son and I love you.

Difficult Child:
I love you mom, I'm struggling but I keep going, it's not always easy. I don't have the easy street, I eat what i can when I can, even if out of a trashcan. This is real, it's so real for me

ME:
Son, I'm sorry you are struggling. I thought things were going well for you. What happened to the work you were doing? You are strong and I know you will get through this. I love you!

Difficult Child:
Job got flown by black helicopter three times. I left I have no red card and our farm was illegal as could be


ME:
You were smart to leave when you did. Hang in there Son!

Difficult Child:
Yeah but it's hard traveling through this state, the discrimination has reach a boiling point. I'm thinking very seriously about a lawsuit for the b.s. that I dealt with this morning.

ME:
What happened this morning? What kind of discrimination are you talking about?

Difficult Child:
Harassed by police. Told I have no rights. Told my money is no good and I can't shop here, leave or I'll impound your dog. I did nothing to deserve being treated like that. I am angry, I hate police people, I am glad when they get shot. I know for a fact I have every right to exist, I know that I will one day see the corrupt system fail them and watch them be systematically exterminated. I however am right here right now, and suffer till the day I cross the boarder that's built to keep us in. I'm leaving America

ME:
Wow, I'm sorry you were harassed. I would think the American dollar would be welcome anywhere in the US. Are you planning on going to Canada?

Difficult Child:
I am going south I will cross through AZ. I am headed towards Peru. I am surprised you think the American dollar trumps injustice, I know the reason why my feet are boot rotten, I know why I am not welcome here (America) it is money and I know evil. God showed me. ' The state of grace has been extended and expired. You are in danger, I know that the Lord has forsaken evil. This nation has "blessed" itself in wickedness. The payment received in full. The only thing left is the fall, remember pride comes before!

ME:
Wishing you safe travels. Keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

When he said "I am surprised you think the American dollar trumps injustice" I knew he was trying to bait me into a debate as I never said anything about the American dollar trumping injustice.
I have learned over the years not to engage with him when he gets to that point.
(I found another one of his posts he was talking about using "fiat money")

He did not respond to me after this but he did call my husband. He tried several times to bait my husband into a debate. You see, my son now thinks he's a prophet. He told my husband that many of his friends have told him he's a prophet. He was ranting to my husband about how screwed up we are for living in a box (our house) and how we are slaves to money. My husband is good at not engaging with him and told him it was nice to hear from him then told him good bye.
My husband also shared with me other parts of their conversation. Our son jumps freight trains to get around, yes, even with his dog. I feel sorry for the dog.

He went from being a happy pot farmer to an angry prophet, gee, I wonder what he'll be in a few more weeks.

And so it goes...............................

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry, Tanya. It is very sad. I hope he stays safe.

 

[Tanya M]

Thanks SWOT. This is the reality of it plain and simple. I have accepted that this is how it will be. I don't like it but I'm at peace with it. I too hope he will be safe.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Oh I can relate to the Prophet rantings. Son is doing well, but every now and then he calls me and says he is moving to Phoenix, Arizona to go underground with other Christians because the world is going to end, the Bible tells of end days and there are signs, yaddie, yaddie. Other times he says, Mexico is the place to go. I listen for a bit, say a few things about him moving, then I change the subject and then all is well...until the next time he gets these callings.

I hope your son lands somewhere that is welcoming and safe for him.

 

[Tanya M]

@Ironbutterfly it makes me wonder if some of our difficult adult kids have met each other.

I have no doubt that my son will manage land somewhere safe and will be welcomed as he can be very charismatic but that always wears off and those who have been kind to him will see his true nature and will grow tired of it. This just seams to be the cycle he lives in.

 

[so ready to live]

Oh Tanya. I am so sorry. I know so well that even with our acceptance of "where they are" mentally and physically, the contacts are exhausting. I too am a cancer survivor, many times when I should be grateful just to see another sunrise, I've wasted my time with worry. My worry, as our son seems to be chronically in turmoil and yet doing nothing to change it. Is he worried? Only the day before rent is due, or he doesn't have cigarettes or police want to "talk to him". We don't accept phone calls from him if we can identify number. Texts are less painful. Sometimes he leaves messages-convoluted, drunk,strange... If we respond "yes, sorry your car's broken down, if you buy parts, Dad will help you put them on", we get even stranger texts back--"you don't understand, I don't have $". Yes, we don't understand-the only thing we agree on!
It never ceases to amaze me how many of our children are "cut from the same mold". It is very hard for me to listen to the rantings regarding how their lives have been trash since the day they were born and not have it reflect on me as a parent. I work hard at this each day, to know I've done my best and that this is on him now. We have all done our best.

This just seams to be the cycle he lives in.

No truer words. The tough job is remembering that it's HIS cycle. Prayers.

 

[Lil]

Oh Tanya, I'm so sorry. While I don't have to expect "prophecy" since my son is an atheist, I am on edge waiting for the (inevitable?) fall. He has to check out of the hotel today and I don't know if he has found a place or simply spend the last 3 days stoned and eating pizza and sleeping. Planning a reasonable course doesn't seem to be in any of our kids' makeup. You are so wise to not engage any more than you have to. This stuff is harder than anything I ever expected.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Sometimes I think the wondering is better than the knowing.

This just seams to be the cycle he lives in.

Oh boy Tanya, I'm so sorry. These conversations are tough on us, another reminder of our lack of control and powerlessness........

I think you're right, the wondering is often better than the knowing.

The acceptance of this being the cycle he lives in.......is such a hard nut to crack.......and yet, it really is what it is......I know how that feels......geez, go do something incredibly kind for yourself......balance all of it with the goodness of the rest of your life.......you do a wonderful job of acceptance.......and then once in a while one of these bumps comes along and we get to practice a little more....(me too)......

I'll be thinking of you today and sending you a big hug and lots of warm wishes for peace of mind.........

 

[RN0441]

Tanya

You are a trooper. You really know how to handle your son and that is great! I am sure you have had a lot of practice.

I agree, not knowing is better. My son showed us a FaceTime of his apartment yesterday that we are paying for right now and I felt sad all day.

Hugs.

 

[UKMummy]

The double edged sword of contact. I feel so much better when there is no contact ( I hate it that I can say that) My Difficult Child just texted my youngest son and asked me to call him. My stomach instantly hit the floor. I think I'm doing better, and then I know I'm not.
Much love to you

 

[mof]

Sometimes do we all wake up and think this can t possibly our life.

We do have a saying in our home of, do not engage....

Blessings to all of you...I have been taking many deep cleansing breathes lately..

Hugs

 

[worried sick mother]

Tanya, you interact with your son very well. Hopefully he will break the cycle he lives in soon. My mother just told me today that this couldn't be our life forever that God would move in my sons life that I needed to keep praying and having faith. I've just been trying to accept that this is the way it is. So I'm sharing my moms advice with you.

 

[Tanya M]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support, it warms my heart.

While I don't have to expect "prophecy" since my son is an atheist

Lil, my son was an atheist too. Who knows what he will think he is in a few weeks. Stay tuned..........................

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Tanya...
I don't post very often these days but I read a lot still and when I read your post last night I had to stop my husband from studying and read your post to him too as our son's have so very much in common. Why are so many of our Difficult Child's cut from the same cloth it seems?

Just wanted you to know you and yours are in my thoughts.
Stay strong.
LMS

 

[Tiredof33]

Yes, sometimes I think they all are from some insane egg/sperm donor lol! I feel exactly the same about my highly intelligent, makes me scratch my head, son.

For years mine has told me he is going to start his own religion, meaning he is so much more knowledgeable that the world's religious leaders. He loves to debate the bible.

He was recently very involved with a large organized church. He attended meetings, joined one of their organizations, and was a mentor. The thing is, I know for a fact you have to be a member of the church to join the organization, and he is not. He was involved with writing a religious novel. Today, after the death of his long time partner, I think he has turned his back on religion.

My son had cut off contact for almost five years. He dropped back in, created a FB page, all of my (large) family friended him. Then the drama started! Dark, weird posts, my family calling me AT 2AM to tell me my son needs me, he is crying out for help.

Some family members are talking behind my back about what a horrible, cold mother I am. I sent him a message and told him what was going on, and please tone down the FB posts. It is stressful!

After he realized I am no longer willing to hand out money, he has disappeared again. I did provide him with new glasses, and some badly needed clothes, a nice dinner or two. No money!

Sadly, it is so peaceful when he drifts away. I wanted to scream at people, don't you think I know he needs help? They are so clueless!

(((hugs and blessings)))

 

[Childofmine]

Tanya, just catching up with this thread. I read the conversation you had with your precious son and marveled at it. Marveled at you and at him, and just sat and thought about how many people are living a life like he is...some more noticeable and some less...disenfranchised, angry, trying to find a place for themselves and failing again and again...it's hard to function in our society in this context. And then you...your calmness and your love and your peace. You did so well with that conversation. You heard him, you didn't engage with it, you offered love and support, and then let it be. I know there is a cost to you, even with your tremendous amount of acceptance and detachment and growth from this hard, hard thing.

And then reading the posts of all who followed, it's a simple prescription for peace.

We do have a saying in our home of, do not engage....

So valuable to work toward this. It is a first step of detachment. You didn't engage, but you still talked with him and expressed your love and support. I love this example of detachment.

I feel so much better when there is no contact

It needs to be more about us than about them. When there is little to no contact, we get some peace. It's hard at first not knowing, and wondering, and feeling anxious about their safety, but as we grow into this letting go-thing, we accept and trust and turn the focus back to our own lives. Your son is a grown man, and he can turn and walk in a new direction at any point in time. That is what he is doing. Let him do it, and maybe, just maybe he will find a way forward. He sure won't find it through our best ideas. Our best thinking got us right here, right now. That is a key AA phrase and it works for us too.

This is the reality of it plain and simple. I have accepted that this is how it will be. I don't like it but I'm at peace with it. I too hope he will be safe.

It gets real simple. Safety. That became my hope and prayer for my son during the worst times. I just wanted him to live another day to have another chance. This is very humbling to watch you live this out, Tanya.

God would move in my sons life that I needed to
keep praying and having faith.

Oh, I came to believe this harder than I have never believed anything in my life. I still do. I believe it for all of us. If you don't believe in God, how about a Higher Power? Nature? The Universe, Forces for Good, whatever the name of it is. There is a Higher Power in charge here. He/she has this already. Whatever the outcome, it's not ours to control, fix or manage. We can't. We just can't.

balance all of it with the goodness of the rest of your life.

Turn the light on self, and practice self-kindness in so many ways. This is very healing, and a daily practice. I lived most of my life thinking I had to be there, be strong, do for...other people and I didn't need a single solitary thing. Wrong.

That is a prescription for disaster and for tremendous enabling of other people.

I remember the day it occurred to me that you...could...have...fun...every...single...day. It was in my control to make that happen. I used to think you could only have fun on Fridays and Saturdays, the weekend. Sunday wasn't much fun either. So...most of the time to work and fulfill responsibilities, with a little extra time and fun two days a week. I watched my Type A Dad work, work, work. I watched my overwhelmed Mom work, work, work. Other people today talk about what little sense of humor my family has. !!!! Isn't that sad? It's true, and I'm trying to be funnier these days. Lol. Live a little, folks. Life is short and we matter too.

Tanya, I hope your precious son finds warmer climes in Peru or wherever he lands, and who knows, caring people, a place to be, a way to thrive and find some peace and happiness.

Warm hugs to all of you Warriors here.

 

[Tanya M]

@Childofmine , thank you so much for your kind words. They not only touch me but everyone who reads this post. You are a gem!