My son passed away last week

[lovemysons]

Thank you Copa.
Nandina! Hey hopefully you can get back to us soon! Thinking of you.

 

[Roxanne@74]

My dear friends on CD,

I am so sad to tell you that my son died last week of what we suspect is an accidental drug overdose. It happened the day before my birthday and five days before Christmas. We are devastated. He was actually doing well and had been clean for a couple months.

But the meth that he had been doing on a somewhat regular basis had done great damage to his brain. He was tortured by the voice in his head and feared that others could hear his thoughts. It was a strange existence because other than that he was the most coherent and clear-headed I had seen him in five years. We thought things were going well. We were pleased that he was getting mental health treatment which he chose to do on his own.

He knew that he had to stay away from meth because of what it had done to his mind. He had recently been put on medication for schizoaffective disorder and spent 5 days in a behavioral health center. He was feeling better after he was released. He spent the next few days here and that was just 3 days before he died.

He had been spending weekends with us and was really trying, for once in his life, to follow rules, help around the house, etc. He was doing well. We had an agreement that he had to stay off the streets in order to have this living arrangement. He had been spending weeknights at the shelter as far as I knew. During all this time I was trying desperately to help him find some form of transitional housing.

But last time he left here he apparently didn’t stay at the shelter and was found unconscious on a street in our town three days later. Paramedics administered Narcan and he was revived briefly but was unable to stay conscious and passed. He had no ID or phone on him although he did when he left here. It is a wonder they even found me, considering, but a police officer recognized him and knew he had been at the mental hospital where I was listed as his contact.

I have received such great support here on CD and I don’t know what I would have done without it during these past five years since my son left home two weeks after his 18th birthday. Knowing people here who understand has been so helpful along with counseling, and just recently we had joined an al anon group.

My husband and I and our two other adult children are grief-stricken and we appreciate any prayers you can offer. Thank you.

Love, Nandina

Dear Nandina: I am so heartbroken for you and your family. My biggest fear above all else in this life is to lose my child. My oldest step son was killed in Iraq in 2004 during his service in the Army. Until this day I can't believe he is gone. I know it is not the same, but losing a loved one means feeling the pain and the void nothing compares to. Please accept my deepest condolences and know that you are not alone. Prayers.

 

[Nandina]

Well, I’m back, at least for now—not sure this system likes my email address or something, lol. I thank Deni for being so responsive and getting me back on so quickly. And thank you Copa for passing on the information.

You people are like a lifeline to so many, and your kind expressions about my son’s passing have lifted me up more than I can say. I am eternally grateful.

Roxanne, so nice to meet you but sorry you find yourself here. Thank you for your kind thoughts about my son. My condolences on the loss of your stepson.

My oldest step son was killed in Iraq in 2004 during his service in the Army
I know it is not the same, but losing a loved one means feeling the pain and the void nothing compares to.

I think loss is loss, no matter the circumstance, and when you love someone and lose them, the void is the same. Questions remain, of course, the whys and what ifs, but that too, is probably universal, regardless of circumstances of death.

I am grateful to your stepson for his service. It must be hard living with the possibility of losing a loved one who is a service member. But in my opinion, fighting for your country is the most noble and brave thing anyone can do. I have great respect for those who go into it knowing they might not come home. And for the families they leave behind when they deploy, or sadly, if there is a loss of life. I know you must have been proud of him.

how are you holding up these days? One thing I know for sure is that when reality sets in your left with intense feelings of missing them.
I often say “I love you J” when alone.

Hi LMS, thank you for checking in. I am coping, I think, and will have to start planning a celebration of life service for my son that we’ll have in the spring, so I have to try and stay strong to get through it. I talk to him too—sometimes through tears—but I think he hears me.

I am hoping my other son, a guitar player, and a member of his band who is a gifted pianist, might perform some of the music at the service. We’ll see. That would be a great tribute to his brother.

We have had such wonderful support—you know that saying, “in times like this, you know who your true friends are…” or something like that. We know who they are, believe me. I have lifelong friends who check on me frequently even though most of them live out of state.

A friend made me a quilted coverlet, she said, to bring comfort that is just beautiful. The kind you can wrap around yourself sitting on the couch. Another friend sent a crocheted prayer shawl, made by the ladies in her church, who do this as a ministry, and apparently, pass it around to each lady in the circle and they pray over it to bring comfort. I feel blessed to have these people in my life.

Someone else sent a lovely wooden wind chime with a hanging piece that has a beautiful verse about a son. My husband, not wanting to expose it to the cold outside, hung it next to his favorite recliner and touches it every time he thinks of our son. So, I’m frequently hearing the tinkling of the chimes, and it tells me my husband is thinking of our son and brings him comfort as well because he doesn’t cry as much as me but he is grieving too. Our friends and family have truly lifted us up and carried us through some of the most difficult days.

Thank you for asking, LMS.

I have re-connected with family I haven’t seen since I left home in my early 20s and moved out of state due to a job transfer. They have invited my husband and me to join them during their yearly summer vacation and we plan to rent an RV and take some time off this summer to do that. My other two adult kids will be joining us. Believe it or not, they like to hang out with their old parents. (Not in the RV—it’s too small! Lol) But perfect for the two of us. Eventually, we’d like to buy one when my husband retires and do some traveling because most of my friends and family live out of state and we’re not getting any younger…

But we are all staying close and trying to treat each other with tenderness and extra care, because after a loss such as we’ve had, feelings can be very raw and it’s easy to take things the wrong way.

Love and hugs to all of you,
Nandina

 

[lovemysons]

Nandina…
I am so glad to hear you and your husband have been surrounded by so much comfort and love during these times.
I also have an old friend who came out of the woodwork and also gave us a chime that has a saying on it about a son. I wonder if it’s the same.

We even went up to the mountains in Colorado with them last summer to their cabin. Beautiful and peaceful. Nature seemed to nurture our souls. Plus the fact that our son always loved the mountains in Colorado as we used to go snow skiing up there so often when raising our children. We even lived up in the mountains for a year when they were teenagers. But that’s when drug use set it in I got scared do we gave up our dream home and moved back to Texas. We now live In Oklahoma.

A celebration of life service for your son with his brother playing music from his band sounds so nice. I know it will also be an emotional time for you too though.

I pray with time you’ll be able to look back and see all the happy memories and good times you shared with your son so that your sorrow will ease a bit. I am a little over 2 years on this grief journey and I am better and stronger.

I’m glad you’re back.
Hugs and love to you.
LMS

 

[Nandina]

That’s such a warm, loving response, LMS. Thank you. I’m glad you felt the same love from your friends when you lost your precious son.

I pray anyone here who suffers the same misfortune will be surrounded by loving friends and family as well. Or if you know someone who has lost a loved one, check in with them. Especially after all the cards, gifts and flowers stop coming and people begin to get on with their lives again, which is bound to happen. You might think you don’t know what to say…sometimes you can just listen and be present for them with a loving heart, and that is enough.

I forgot to mention, I have been in counseling since August and continue weekly sessions. It really helps. I lucked out when I googled her and she turned out to be good, lol. Because I didn’t know anyone who could recommend someone, and my previous experience with a very young, kind of defensive young person was a disaster! Nothing against young people, I love them generally, but I think this girl needed counseling more than me!

But seriously, this woman is the most kind and compassionate soul. Just lovely. And gentle, I guess you would call it southern gentleness, but she is a gem. I may have already told this story here, not sure, but forgive me if I repeat, because I’ve mentioned it to people: My son died 2 days before my scheduled appointment with her. After my visit with her, she said, “I’m not going to charge you for today.” I asked her why not, was it because of Christmas, and she said no, and that with my son’s passing, I needed to be seen, so she wouldn’t be charging me. Wasn’t that sweet?

LMS, watch for a message (pm) from me, ok? I have a little more to say. Thank you for reaching out.
Love, Nandina

 

[Nandina]

LMS, it may be awhile before I can write more due general busy-ness, but don’t think I’m locked out again. You’ll hear it if I am, lol! (I’ll let Copa know.) But lately I’ve been getting back on rather quickly! Thank you dear Deni!

 

[lovemysons]

I’m so glad you found a genuinely caring counselor to share what’s going on in your head and heart.

I was going to a counselor for problems between my mother and I but stopped going awhile back as I didn’t feel she was helping the situation.

I look forward to your pm.
Take good care of yourself. Your son would want you to.
Love,
LMS